How do I get over this horrible feeling of rejection
So it's a long story, but I'm so depressed and honestly can't see the point in anything anymore. I know I'm not ugly, but I have no confidence at all and I'm 21 now and have never had the confidence to have a relationship. I've not put myself out there enough but I've also never been told by anybody that they like me. Anyway, I have done a programme working in America for the last three summers, working with children. In my second summer I met a girl named Beth. Beth was also from the uk and we hit it off completely. Nothing questioned my mind until a few weeks in I discovered she was gay. I have never told anybody, but it had always crossed my mind if I was gay or not but it was always an issue I didn't want to face so pushed it to the back of my head. I told her that I had questioned my sexuality. Anyway she also told me that for a few nights she had been seeing another girl that worked at the same place, and a few things had happened. It didn't really bother me at this point, I didn't know her that well. So anyway we worked together 24/7, we were always together. We finished each other's sentences, when Beth would be having problems with the other girl I would be there for her. We slept next to one another every night, sat next to each other every meal, spent every break together. It was very much a mutual thing- we both loved each other's company, and all we did was laugh. I don't remember ever meeting anyone I wanted to spend so much of my time with. It was easy for me to forget her developing relationship with the other girl as she still spent the majority of her time with me. People made comments towards us like 'you two are soulmates' and 'stop flirting'. When we were apart, I would get a message from her continuing that conversation and contact. So this went on for the whole summer. We both knew that we were each other's best friends and people knew that. On the last night of work, the girl Beth was kind of seeing came to me crying about her saying she couldn't cope with her anymore. Beth came out and they argued, and Beth came and slept in my bed with me that night. After working all summer, me, Beth and 6 others went travelling for a week. At this point I felt very strongly for Beth. Beth had to say goodbye to the other girl and was really upset. When we left however she said all sorts of things like how she knows she wasn't right for her etc. We sat next to each other on the plane and automatically shared a room and a bed. Everything was great. All 8 of us travelling got drunk one night and after we went back to bed. We were lying there, very close to each other talking. She asked me if I fancied someone else from the group. Omg no I answered. Conversation went on and I told her I hd questioned our friendship. And from that point the rest of the trip she would barely talk to me. She felt as though I had said negative things about the other girl she was seeing for my own benefit which just wasn't true. She wouldn't speak to me, she did come to my room one night and try and talk but was quiet mean- I'd never seen this side to her she was horrible. I felt sick everyday when I was travelling. I hated seeing her all pally and close with everyone else. So we didn't talk. Travelling came to an end. As soon as I left I received a long message from her, apologising for how she had treated me and that she hadn't met anyone that she had got on with as well for a long time and she wouldn't of wanted to spend her summer with anyone else. From that point it seemed our friendship was on track. She had absolutely promised me she hadn't told anyone about the whole saga. We texted at home everyday, all day for ages. About everything. It was constant and if I didn't reply in a while she would ask me why. We never really spoke about my feelings again. Until I went for lunch with another girl we had been travelling with. She told me Beth had told her everything. I was so hurt. Whilst I was having lunch with her Beth was texting me, I could tell she was texting me to see if this other girl had told me anything. So we fell out a bit over that- it's not that she shouldn't tell anyone it's that she lied to me. She was very passionate in her efforts to get me back on side, saying she wasn't prepared to lose me etc. Even though we were just talking as friends, I still felt something but not as strong. She would tell me everything about new relationships of hers etc and it wouldn't bother me. Strange. So we kept up the contact, and decided to go back to America and work in the same place the following summer, along with some other friends from the year before. Beth had a girlfriend of a few months at home. As soon as we got back it was perfect, like nothing bad had happened and we picked up where we left off, together all the time. But she was much much more flirty with me. I don't know if it's just her or because she knew me better now. Asking me to massage her or joking about kissing me, but she didn't think I still liked her, it was never discussed. As the weeks went on she starting getting close to someone else. It tore me apart, I knew this other girl was gay, and I just knew what was going to happen even before it did. She started seeing her and it was much more intense than ever before. I got drunk one nights and got upset and told Beth how I feel. She reassured me it didn't effect our friendship and made comments such as 'we both feel things sometimes but you know I've got a girlfriend'. It didn't stop her cheating with someone else. So for 3 months I had to watch her with this new girl, kissing, everything, when she knew how I feel. I couldn't get away from it. The pain was unbearable knowing that she would rather spend all her time with her than me. And Beth was horrible to me on occasions. She just didn't care how it effected me. She would come to me sometimes when she fell out with the new girl and ask if she was a bad person or not. She would spend every second of her day with this new girl and it killed me. I clearly wasn't as important to her as she was to me. I felt like she had forgotten our whole friendship. It was awful, she would tell other people things but not me, she would make digs about how so much was going on but she wasn't going to tell me. About how I needed to speak to this other girl cus she felt like I didn't like her and it wasn't her fault cus she didn't know about the situation. I felt sick all the time and really alone. I wanted to go home so badly. But one day shed be nice and make some effort with me the next act like I didn't exist or was something on the bottom of her shoe. One night me and her shared a tent together and she invited this new girl to come and join us. I had to lay there next to them cuddling up to each other. It was torture. Before we went back to America me and her had planned and booked lots of travelling with one other person. Beth came to me one day and asked if her new girl could come travelling with us. Both me and the other girl we were travelling with said no. Beth seemed to understand until I went back to my phone one night and had received a pile of nasty texts from her. How selfish I was and how I was a complete bitch etc. I didn't retaliate and next thing she's asking to come and meet me. We spoke for an hour about how she was treating me and everything. When I left her I had a text apologising and saying how she too cared a lot about our friendship. I didn't reply. She came and sat next to me at breakfast but of course her new girl followed her so we couldn't talk. She simply said are you still angry at me? I said I'm so done with the whole situation. She told me I would only hate myself if I carried on. That night we went out and I was driving but she got drunk. She came up to me earlier in the night and was like nuzzling into my neck and cuddling me, and later on I was in my room and she came in and apologized again and kissed me on the lips. She would never have done that in front of others and I knew if I said anything she would brush it off as oh it was just a friendly peck. So it continued, one day being fine with me the next hating me, the next asking what was wrong and telling me I should tell her cus she was my best friend so we would talk about how I felt, she would comfort me and then back square one. It killed me watching her with this new girl everyday. She cared about her more than she hd ever cared about me. I didn't matter to her anymore, she had a more attractive option. So it came time for travelling. Sometimes she would make bitter comments about how it's my fault that this girl wasn't there with us. She blamed me for so much. We travelled for 3.5 weeks with one other girl who knew the situation. Beth then decided to tell me that the girl she had been seeing knew about my feelings all along. Beth had told her week 1. She had completely broken my trust. Both of them bitches knew how I felt and still behaved like that in front of me?! I was devastated and angry. Travelling should of been amazing but Beth made me feel so uncomfortable. I never knew what mood she would be in with me. I felt left out as she would discuss things in a two with the other girl. It was awful. Hated every second and I was so emotional. She didn't give a shit. She was horrid. Kept saying we had only fallen out cus she didn't like me like that. I'm very tall, and during dinner one night she repeatedly said 'urgh I could never go with anyone who was taller than me'. So hurtful. So we went home and had no contact me 2 weeks. Well we had a group mail with the three of us who went travelling and they spoke and I felt like this was her way of trying to get some contact with me but I didn't respond. After two weeks I text her a long long message about how I felt and how she had treated me. I had to get it off my chest. She rang me and we spoke for a hour and a half. She told me that she wasn't going to tell me but she had questioned it too in the first year and I think that's the worst thing she could say to me. It wasn't me going crazy imagining things. Although it is clear that she finds it easy to get close to people and it's less of a big deal to her. She apologised but there was still so much left unsaid. After that, When I tried to talk to her about how she had treated me it she didn't want to hear it. She said she knew she had been a bitch etc. We didn't speak and I felt angry that she had made no effort with me. She text me a simple hey how are you one evening and said that she was here for me and hoped I was ok. We arranged to meet and I went to her house. She made us food and was lovely. Although I felt she was bragging about certain frienships with other people, reminding me of what we used to have. She showed me pictures of a new girl she is seeing since she got home, commenting on her body etc. We didn't speak much about the whole thing that night, I told her how I feel, she said she didn't have the answers I was looking for. And how after tonight she wanted the whole thing to be over and not speak about it anymore. But then she took me back to where I was staying cus oh she had to go and pick her new girl up. I'm devastated. I feel sick all the time. I love her so much and she doesn't care about me. It's like a different person to who I fell in love with a year ago. I can't speak to many people about it cus she's a girl, and I don't want to go down the road of telling people I may be gay. I'm so unhappy. I removed her from everything on social media but already regret it. I just want her in my life even after how she's made me feel. I hate her but I love her. She's quiet a toxic person and I know I deserve better but I can't help how I feel. She's told me to take time to get over her then we can be friends. I want that but I'm scared il never get over her. And I feel like she had broken the trust of any friendship. I feel sick constantly and can't stop replaying things in my head. I want her to fight for me like she had before and care as much as I do. And have a heartfelt apology. I don't know what to do with myself
I don't have a whole lot of advice that will help, but I am so sorry for what you're going through. I'm almost 40, but remember how intense those feelings are when you're in your late teens/early twenties.
You are totally right on when you say that she is toxic. She sounds like she suffers from a personality disorder - like borderline personality disorder or narcissism. You have done the right thing cutting her off on social media etc. It's so hard to get through at the beginning, but it will get better.
I was involved in a toxic relationship 8 or 9 years ago. I still think about him and miss him, but it was the right thing to do. It gets easier.
Also, I am guessing that you are probably attractive, but hard on yourself. You also mentioned that you are very tall. Do you think men are perhaps intimidated by you? I think her comment about your height had to do with her own vanity and insecurity. I definitely wouldn't take the fact that no one has expressed interest in you as proof of unworthiness or something. I was rejected by my first boyfriend at 21 and went on to have other relationships.
The main thing I can recommend is to allow your grief to process, but try not to dwell and wallow in the past hurts and wrongs. Mindfulness is a great practice to cultivate. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. If you can find a therapist that is LGBT friendly, that might help. I think the fact that you don't have anyone else to really talk to about your feelings makes it all that much harder to deal with.
A self help book that helped me in the past was You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Books on mindfulness and Buddhism are good, too.
It never ceases to amaze of just how much disrespect we allow ourselves to take because someone else has a hold over us which makes us feel obligated to them...and leaves us vulnerable and miserable. Your relationship with Beth has been a merry go round of confusion and disrespect. Beth's not going to fight for you while she has other people on her radar and that being the case, any apology from her is likely to be a more than hollow. Her actions tell you this...forget about her words.
Your challenge is to remove her and her negative influence from your life totally because she's never going to be any kind of a friend to you, let alone a true friend. While you allow her to manipulate and mistreat you, you will be unhappy. You need to sort your head about your sexuality and you need to get on with your life without Beth. Easy to say and very hard to do, but once you take the first steps (and you have by posting about it here and your deletion of social media) you will find that the many steps that you have to take will get easier.
Most respectfully, you need a partner and people around you who share your values and who will respect you as you deserve. You need to be true to yourself and kind to yourself and stop torturing yourself over a person who has not only come into your life, but has reached the point some time ago where you needed to get her out of your life. Despite how you feel now, the sooner you do this, the more confident and happier you will be.