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Why am I torturing myself this this man child?

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So I have a sort of odd history with this guy... We grew up in the same town but he's nine years older than I am. I've been infatuated with him since I was in first or second grade. We spent a night together when I was 18 but we didn't sleep together.
Now, I'm 24 and he's 33, we spent the spring as a couple, essentially inseparable, until one day he just stopped showing up... He was being mean to me, ignoring my calls and making me feel like a dumb little girl... I went over to his house one morning to bring him iced tea and see if he would go swimming with me like we had when we still "loved" each other.. He was in bed with another girl. They said they didn't have sex.... We stopped spending time together. Finally we talked it out and seemed to come to a conclusion. I've always been very forgiving, and I admit I want him to love me more than anything... She left, we are inseparable again. We've basically been living together for the last two months, we spend every night together but we don't have sex anymore... There have been two times where I've given him fellatio, and it's never reciprocated - not even a kiss after... Today was the second time. He had a family reunion last night and I assumed he was with his sisters at the house he was renting, but I woke up at 2am and just couldn't sleep, I thought because I was alone, very much like the night before I caught him with that other girl... Well he showed up at 6am, I had gotten an hour of sleep, and we cuddled. I gave him head. We cuddled more. He got up and put his pants on and I swear it looks like he had had sex the night before with his pants on. There was white reside crusted all over he crotch of his pants, around the zipper. Folks, am I just paranoid or is it obvious that e was off havin sex? I feel like such an idiot. I almost think he smelled like sex but I dot know If it was from our I image money,... Not to mention I couldn't get him to "get off" and I wondered of that was a sign that he had had sex within the last few hours.. Can someone tell me if these two things are a sure fire sign? He also showed up shoeless and clearly inebriated... I think he slept with another girl and then came back to me... Do you? I tried asking him about his night and it sounded quite vague... Even when I asked about where he stayed, where the house was... It's hard for me to believe that he walked all that way with no shoes and his socks were so clean... We don't call ourselves a couple I guess... I wish we were still. I want him to love me... I think he just likes having someone around who will dote on him... I'm a sucker.
Please tell me, is it this obvious??? Do you think he did it?

Why am I torturing myself this this man child?

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Ugh. Sounds like you are right in your suspicions. Get out of this relationship and free yourself up for someone that treats you with some decency. I don't like to be judgmental, but sometimes I am, and I am judging him to be an ass.

What do your friends and family think of him?

I recommend seeking counseling. It can help you gain a more objective view and work on underlying issues that are keeping you stuck in this kind of situation.

Why am I torturing myself this this man child?

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There are plenty of men out there who cant "get it up" even without having sex a few hours before. Lack of intimacy, stress, etc could be the reasons for it. The point you need to focus here is that how good is your relationship with him. Doubt only crops up when you have actually been feeling it for a long time. There is no definitive answer if he really has slept with someone prior to meeting you. I understand that you want him to love you a lot. But does he want the same ? Or is he just waiting for someone better to come in his life and then just walk over you ?

My personal experience about this is that, physical intimacy only ignites if there is a strong emotional connect. You never plan or count the number of times you have had sex. You feel it and you have it. There is no science to it. It maybe that you'll both are leading busy lives and haven't had the time to have sex. But you can't link all of this to his going for his family reunion and not being able to cum.

He could have been cheating on you all this time and you wouldn't have come to know about it. The possibilities are endless if you are wanting to find faults in the relationship. A good way to measure a relationship is to measure how well do you enjoy each others company. How well do you look forward to seeing each other. How much time do you spend laughing and crying with each other. If those things add up, you will get a definitive answer to your doubt.

No one enjoys cheating on a loved one. Unless they don't really love you. Unless you are just a back up and he knows that you are sold on him way more than he is on you. So lesson to learn for you, keep a balance of your emotions. Both of you should be doing enough for each other. You need to extra cautious when he has already cheated on you before. You can't just accept an apology and get back to his arms, like nothing ever happened. Sex and intimacy is an vital part of a relation, if he isn't doing that, then find out why.

It is wrong for you to doubt someone irrationally. You should be continuously gauging your relationship status. One sudden instance can not count as a breaking point. Just because he couldn't cum, doesn't mean that he is cheating on you.

So, its best that you sit and tell him how you feel about all of this. This lack of intimacy and coldness is hurting you badly. And you need to know the reasons behind it.

Take care :)

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