Who is in the wrong?
I am 53, when I was 16 my parents taught me how to drive and they also got me driving lessons. But, I do not want to do the same thing for my son and daughter. They are 17 and 18, I have wanted them both to leave for 15 years, I've had them in online schooling for 11 years, they can't walk places, as we live on a highway cars every where no side walks or areas to walk on. I never drive them places, but I want them to leave but I don't want to help them. I don't want to get them driving lessons and I don't want to teach them, and I don't want to get them an I.D so that they can work. I just don't believe in helping them even though I'm their bio father. Who is in the wrong? Am I doing the right thing?
It is really hard to let go, but our job as parents is to teach our children how to survive in the world. They are old enough. If you don't want to teach them how to drive yourself, you need to pay for the driving lessons. You also need to help get them their ID's and allow them to work.
You are not going to be around forever, and it's better for them to start out in their first jobs at a normal, young age. It will be a major handicap later on if they haven't had work experience.
Are they going to go to college? Do they have social interaction?
It is normal to want to protect our kids, but we have to look at our motivation when we are not letting them do things that other kids their age can do. If you are keeping them isolated and out of the world, that is not helping them.
Well, the funny thint is, I'm not trying to protect them. I just do not want to help them, teach them, or do anything for them. They are not going to college, as they don't have the funds for it and as I am not paying for it for them either. They have had no social interaction with outside people for 11 yrs and still don't.
Is their mom involved with them at all or other family that could maybe help them? I think they need help with the first steps such as a driver's license and paying for lessons.
Only you can really look inside yourself and figure out why you don't want to help. Sometimes it's not obvious even to ourselves and a therapist / counselor can help. Mine really helps me. Maybe even going to a family session once or twice would help.
You may not want to help or do anything, parenting is hard, but as their father, I feel like it's your obligation.
She is, but I have told her I do not agree with her trying to help them and she hasn't yet. They aren't able to pay as I refuse to let them get a job, because I refuse to drive them. I don't think personally, I have to bring them anywhere. I just don't see why I wojld be obligated to help them, just because I am related to them.
So let me get this straight... You are a father, but you don't want to do father things...like, you know, teaching your kids, or (from what it sounds like) spending any real time with them. You want them to leave, but you do not want to do anything that would help them to be able to leave. You just expect them to learn how to do it all on their own, for no good reason whatsoever, just because you are lazy I guess? And your parents taught you how to drive, but you don't want to teach your kids. So.... Basically you just kind of suck as a father I guess?
I am convinced this is a joke thread. That, or else this is the kids making the thread to show to their actual lazy piece-of-shit father for proof of just how terribly worthless and unsupportive he really is.
I am the father, this is a very real situation. Yes I believe it is very lazy to be taught things, and them not learning on their own.
Well I am, the advice-giver, and I am trying to take this situation seriously...I'm tryin' real hard...but here is the best that I can do:
I believe it is very lazy to act how you, as a father, are acting. I think someone such as yourself is undeserving of an answer, and should just "figure it out on your own".
What would you do if your wife did help them with driving lessons or get an ID to work? Someone needs to help them. But that would mean you would loose control? you say you want them to leave, but wont help them, that doesn't make any sense. how do you expect them to be able to leave home one day, if they haven't been shown or have a job to have the money or encouragement in the right way?!
I'm the same age as your oldest and I can only guess they must be both really depressed and have low self esteem, or are too scared to do anything to help them selves. if they hardly have any contact with the outside world, no friends and are online home schooled and not allowed to do anything, it's going to be a bit of a learning curve for them anyways.
Open your eyes, if you won't help them, then let others, otherwise they will start to really resent you.
Dude...cut your kids loose. It sounds like they are better without you. Let them "walk" outside the house to get a job. it sounds like YOU are the only thing holding them back. You wont let them walk anywhere because youre on a busy road? you wont let them get jobs?? really...what do you ACTUALLY expect them to do? Honestly?
Is it laziness or paralysis?
53 minus 18 = 35. Wanted them to leave when you were 38, the first-born only 3. That's quite late to have your first kid, isn't it.
What experience of children had you had before you and your wife conceived? And, aside from a family, what did you manage to achieve with your life by the time you were 38? What is it you want more of or a better chance at attaining that you feel you could if only you hadn't had kids or if they'd long flown the nest already? And PS, how's your love-life been since the arrival of eldest son and how is it now/lately?
Truth is, you evidently HALF want them to leave and half want them to stay with you.
1. Why does Half A want them to leave?
2. Why is Half B fighting Half A (or vice-versa)?
3. Which half is p*ssed-off most at having the other stand in its way - is it (let's call them) Tweedledum or Tweedledee?
4. What sorts of comments and pleas do either or both of your sons come out with?
5. How does your wife feel about these two directly-oppositional and equally-conflicting (= paralysis) parenting attitudes of yours? Or is she the same/similar? Has she finally blown her top at you, is that what made you come on here?