I'm not happy, but I hate to leave because I'm afraid of hurting my husband
My husband and I have been together 5 1/2 years and married 3 1/2 years. We have two children (2 years old and 9 month old). I am in my 20s and he is in his 50s. (He is not rich nor has lots of money, so no I'm not a gold digger, just to get that out of the way). We met through a common hobby that we both love. It was great the first couple of years, then came marriage. We had ups and downs, then along came our first daughter. I thought things would get better, but it seems they only got worse.
It's like my husband grew more immature as I grew more mature. He had always wanted me to be a stay at home mom, so I just worked odds and in things. I was contemplating leaving when I found out I was pregnant again. I cried a lot (not because of the baby, but because I knew I couldn't possibly leave while pregnant and support myself). So, hoping for the best and that things would turn around I stayed.
Here I am now, 2 kids, a lazy husband and working a full time job. My husband recently lost yet another job because he can't seem to get up and going and show up. He stays at home all day and sleeps, doesn't clean house or do anything really. I'm still responsible for getting kids ready for daycare, cleaning bottles, making bottles, literally everything. Only thing he does is take them to daycare in the mornings, promises to pick them up, but is always conveniently busy when that time comes.
Every time I look at him, truthfully, I'm disgusted. When we are all home together he is stuck to his phone, constantly yelling at our kids or sleeping. Also, as I said I'm the only one working, and I make decent money but not great. He's always been used to being able to do whatever he wants and we simply can't now, so I get put down for not making enough.
I'm pretty positive everyone is going to say I should probably leave, -and I know this, but my problem is that I am so sensitive to other people's feelings, I always put them before my own, so I am worried about how he will feel and what he will do. He's already had two failed marriages (I am not positive of why the first one truly ended, the second was because he had money at the time and the lady married him strictly to take it, which she did and that's how he's left with nothing now). What can I do? How do I get over feeling so sorry for him that I'm willing to be miserable?
I should also add that anytime I've talked of separating he's said he will take the kids away from me, and he's also hinted at killing himself. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just so lost right now, and of course my friends/family just say leave, but they don't understand what I'm feeling. Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated.
This is just a stranger's 2 cents, but, to start in the middle, under these conditions I don't think he'd have any chance of getting the children; and not working, avoiding care and threatening with suicide is just... weak. BUT: if you care for his feelings so much, maybe you could find out what made him so weak? Did he make the money that was lost in his second marriage, or just inherit it? Had he ever worked hard at some point in his life? Was he earlier a dreamer, idealist or more down-to-earth? To seduce a much younger woman, he had to have some charisma, strength earlier, or was it just your "pink fog"? Is mid-life crisis behind his depression- unfulfilled dreams, longing for excitement, or maybe introversion, alcohol, sexual problems? If you really do care for him, but are unable to talk about at least some of the basic questions, then maybe an expert can help you connect - if not, well, he asked for it
Petrie, thanks for answering. There is so much I left out because I didn't want to go on and on. But his dad had helped him out with opening a car lot. From what I'm understanding about his first marriage is, he got too cocky with all the money and she finally just left. He spent more than he made and after his first marriage ended and the second began he just flushed it all down the toilet, then she took everything. When we first started dating he was a totally different person, and even now, when we are around other people he is 100% different. I've tried doing marriage counseling and there is always some reason he can't go. One of the things I think bothers me most, is when I got with an older man I didn't expect kids. I had never really pictured myself having kids. He talked me into it, said I needed to experience it. He has two kids already that are grown, and I wouldn't change my kids for the world now, but he does absolutely nothing to help with them. His excuse? He's a lot older than me.
I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that we're over but I'm just so overcome with guilt about leaving him and him potentially being alone forever. Also with him threatening suicide, could I live with myself if he does it? Just not sure how to overcome all of it.
I'm sorry. It autocorrected from Petril to Petrie.
oh dear what a shame. it sounds as though you have spent quite a lot of time trying to please other people and have not really given to yourself some of the kindness and thought you seem to have shown others; but despite all of this and the anxiety it is bringing your, it still isn't really making you any happier is it?.
ok, so you've been together some time before marriage, you then had a child and hoped it would bring you together, I'm sure you are not alone in that hope; I bet there are many other people out there who have done the same thing so don't feel bad about wondering if a child could have changed things and made you happier, sometimes children do make things better for some people; but sadly you found it made things worse, so this was not the best time to find your husband's immaturity is all you have when your baby needed so many other more important things for its home life and development.
it's interesting that he wanted you to be a stay at home mom, but hasn't really successfully shown you that he himself can hold a fixed job. I'm sorry to say this but your husband sounds a complete waste of space! "SORRY" :^) but even when his job prospects were more secure he got cocky and the first wife left! so even with money he acted like a jerk a bit and was not giving the partner then what they needed. this has happened twice before you...doesn't that tell you something? maybe it should.
it sounds like you do actually want to leave but are frightened of what others will say about you. I don't think you really should feel too bad about what others say because you know you have tried everything to make this work by what you are saying. sometimes you have to put your needs first, this man (children or not) is dragging you down and seems happy knowing that you are doing more than your share of the care and are work in and out of the home whilst he has no great input.
do you want him to have the children if you separate? would that bother you? not everyone wants children if they are stressed and struggling with everything whilst another partner does nothing, or would it be easier for you for a while whilst you sort things out that your 2 children can stay temporarily stay in his or a relatives care; whilst you sort out the boundaries of a potential separation (if that the path you take).who knows, maybe you want custody of your children if things go that way?
would separation be an option or a trial separation or are you just wanting to break away now as you have had enough.
please get professional advice if you can about your rights, then talk to your husband once you know if you can do this. I think once you have more plans for the future, (thinking about any joint finances or costs, who lives where, when children are seen, time scales etc then you will feel stronger to talk with him and maybe more firm and settled in your arguments/decisions. he is getting the better of you every time and milking your fears and worries because you are still wavering and thinking like a doo good moral person (which is fine, but if you are so so unhappy and actually wanting to leave, then not being sure of what you want and are capable of is giving him the tools to manipulate you left right and centre!!!! if you say this he gets upset, if he doesn't want to pick up the children there's an excuse, if you get too strong and he panics he hits back and threatens suicide to keep you unbalanced, worrying and in your place (a controlled partner)!!! he sounds rather clever in terms of manipulation, but that not a good prospect for a life partner is it?
why don't you see what he says the next time he says he'll take the children off you! (say ok then you can have them!!!! my guess is he'll try to dig himself out of it pretty quickly because he knows deep down he is too immature and ill-equipped to even to know where to start with childcare. he's all talk. he sounds like one of those men that wants his view of a relationship in public, another version in private and then brags to friends about how he treats you and for all we know what you do in the bedroom when he is in his showing off in an immature all blokes together phase.(I've no doubt there are women out there too who behave in this cheap way too, but what else can you expect from immature people); they don't see things from other peoples perspectives that often and are usually indulged by others who pander to their every whims, ....could it even be that maybe by staying for all this time (if you don't love him) you might also be unconsciously indulging in this negative behaviour.
not all men are of course like this, many are great parents and want to share things and are proud to work with their partners and children. you have had 5.5 years with this man!!!!! and what have you got??? you are already disgusted at him when you look at him....are you prepared to wait another 2 years to still be disgusted when you look at him, you are living with this mess of a situation, NOT YOUR FAMILY, NOT YOUR FRIENDS, you are the one taking the burden of everything and feeling scared or concerned for what friends etc say is not really an option. if they are disappointed in you so what??? they will get over it, the fact that they are already telling you to leave suggests that they are probably a bit frustrated that you are not taking steps you need to get this situation moving on so you can find happiness again. it's not going to be easy as you sound sensitive and very thoughtful of others, but do you know anyone who is separated that sat at home all day wringing their hands worrying what YOU or your HUSBAND felt when they were very unhappy and stayed for another 2 years because they felt some kind of inner shame or worry. if you can get solo counselling or talk to a professional support that is anonymous then do so, it might help you get over this sense of fear, guilt and shame. but from what you have said so far
, there is only one person that ought to be feeling shame and embarrassed....and you have said in different ways that he DOESNT!!!!!!!
staying with someone you don't love anymore is just that is making you unhappier each day. don't worry too much about what others think and say if you can help it. others don't know the full situation and will not have to pick up the pieces, but don't forget also that if they are telling you to leave already, then at least hopefully you may be able to turn to them for support when or if you do decide to go.
I think your husband is making a complete fool of your marriage and taking you for granted because he knows you are likely to be feeling guilt and concern for him so he applies the guilt trip just at the point you start to stand up to his immaturity!!!!
if he keeps threatening suicide, what kind of awareness or genuine relationship love can he have for his own children?
you are young enough (without sounding demeaning to you) to get advice and move on from this draining and manipulative person and bounce back so you can meet someone who is more in line with what you want out of life, someone who shares your hopes, someone ambitious and mature and maybe start a family together if you wanted that in the future.
I don't think you are ever going to change this man, he sounds very set in his ways and still being so immature in his 50's oh dear!!!!!! it sounds as though he has shaped his life around what he wants.
the other 2 women he failed with over time got out of their relationships for valid reasons and they didn't wait to consider how they had let others down, they were out of it!!!!!
he sounds a bit controlling in different ways.
my advice is speak to Samaritans or counsellor , get legal advice to find out where you will stand if you do leave for finances or children etc...find out about your relatives support (but even if they disagree...I'd get out anyway, they are suggesting you leave anyway.) and think about all those things you dreamt of before you married and thought about what marriage would bring, and find that happiness in time with another man. he's not the only man in the world. and that just as well I think!
you will feel better when you start to do the things that you already know I think need to be faced. this man is not worth your time or energy any longer the way things are sadly.
if you love him then stay, but I think you will be bashing you head against the wall for the next 5 years. I really don't think he will change, he doesn't need to, he has you where he wants you and is not bothered with your relationship. he's very happy in his situation and he has passive control it sounds like.
if you really want to find happiness, then the least I would say is have a trial separation for long enough to think and give some tlc into your life, if your marriage is as strong and as happy as you or him question then it will be strong enough to stand a trial separation of a few months. if he's a real man he won't mind you asking for a trial, he will be able to take the fact that you are trying one last time to sort this. he is worried and threatened by the separation because he knows that you are getting to the point where you don't want this anymore and his bravado is showing him up!
Christmas is coming and be careful as I feel that will be another emotional chance for manipulation from him if you are not careful.
take a break from this toxic situation. only you and you alone can really say if you actually love this man anymore or enough to hang around any longer.
I think that the no job thing and his laziness are not real deal breakers for this situation, there are many great dads out there who have no job, who love their kids and partners but occasionally are guilty of getting a bit lazy... some of the reasons here I think are hiding much much deeper issues for you! but good luck.
time away is my advice to you. :-) you need to think and follow it through one way or another.