I know it's probably my hormonal, typically insecure teen self talking...
I am extremely insecure about my body. I don't know if this is the right website to post this kind of thing. But I feel like nobody wants to hear what I have to say and this is my only choice.
My weight and food consumption is consistently on my mind, like a little voice in my head....
Sometimes, most of the time, I wish I could listen to that goddamn voice. But ofcourse, I have no discipline over myself and go right on eating whatever I'm not supposed to be eating.
Naturally, as a thirteen year old girl, I guess I feel... unaccepted. Doesn't every one? I know I'm not alone with my weight insecurities and such but it still effects me. I see all of the people around me talking so casually, about how, "oh, I was feeling and bit pudgy so I thought I'd lose 10 pounds over summer." I feel like I can't even lose one.
I know I'm at a healthy BMI and blah blah blah. But the way my body looks, I feel like it really disrupts the way I think and feel everyday.
I don't wear tank tops, shorts, and anything else that would show my dreaded body fat. Hell, I'm even insecure in my PE clothes.
I get references that I am heavy. And it bothers me. Even if they're subtle and U straightforward.
I have tried to hold onto several ways of eating to cut down flab but I can't. It's frustrating on its own.
Everyone who's 'wise and matured', stereotypes people who feel the way I do into categories of hormonal, naturally insecure teens.
OFCOURSE, I know I'm not special, I know that probably a larger majority of teens feel the same way I do. (But I really do feel like, compared to several others I know, my self esteem is definitely the lowest.) I don't care if EVERYONE had the same exact emotions as me.
It's really a horrible feeling to hate yourself, and I get all this bull crap about, 'learning to love yourself'!
If you do love yourself, that's wonderful. But it's hard for me to see myself beautiful at all in the sense of my body.
I'm not insecure about anything else, when it comes to facial beauty I'm practically choking on my pride, not to sound vain. Even if I am not beautiful to several other people, i am perfectly happy with my face.
But looking at my body in the mirror and I want to break down.
Sorry for the novel.
Thanks for listening if you actually did, that on its own is enough to make me feel less hopeless.
I used to feel the same way at your age and all the way into my mid twenties. Looking back, I regret all the wasted time and energy spent on self loathing. Feeling unacceptable is perpetuated by our society and the media. Everywhere you look, we are bombarded with ads, movies, messages that we are not enough as we are. It is tragic.
People around you, family, friends, absorb this same message and subtly pass it along. It's no wonder we start feeling this way.
Some things that helped me in my journey to self acceptance:
Remembering "Food is not the issue. Your ability to deal with life without a crutch is the issue." - Quote from a book called Fat Fairy Godmother's Guide How to Eat it all and Be Thin Forever by Glinda West
Affirmations said to myself daily and really trying to FEEL that way while I'm saying them. Yes, it seems cheesy and lame, but it does start to work. Your brain is setting up these negative pathways with your self talk and you have to crowd them out with positive ones like:
"I love and approve of myself" or "I love and accept myself exactly as I am." "I am lovable because I exist." - From Louise L. Hay (These are hard at first, but just repeat throughout the day.)
"I am healthy, slim and strong, and I can eat whatever I want!" - From Think Yourself Thin by Debbie Johnson (I change this around to say "I am healthy, radiant and strong and I can eat whatever I want" to avoid placing emphasis on being thin.)
Getting involved in a sport or activity that you enjoy. Hula hooping, yoga, jogging, walking, hiking, lifting weights, anything that gets you active and outside of how your body "looks". This is very important.
Stop watching TV. Just watch movies that don't have commercials. It may sound extreme, but it makes a difference.
And realizing that the processed food around us is filled with stuff designed to make us crave it and eat more. Fill yourself with fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains like brown rice, wheat pasta, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, beans, nuts and seeds. Things that grow. But eat healthy for health reasons, not weight reasons.
I am glad that you overeat sometimes and do not restrict. That is actually showing that you are rejecting the diet mentality and not messing up your metabolism by dieting. (Dieting does not work and it lowers your metabolism.) Think of it as a strength rather than a weakness. Stop feeling guilty about it and just try to take care of yourself health-wise.
The fact that you already pinpoint that you feel unaccepted speaks volumes. You are way ahead of the game already. I think you will be able to get past this. Can you talk to your mom about it? I know my mom didn't understand back then, so she wasn't much help for me. Counseling often helps - can you talk to your school counselor? Books on self esteem for teens are available on amazon too.
Good luck to you!
(Lovely reply, CatLady!
Claire, if you want to end up loving yourself, your 'new' self, then you're going to have to go through all the new relationship phases like Nature demands of *any* relationship, which includes, having 'differences of opinions and aims' or even arguments with yourself (stands to reason, right?), even ones caused by your body doing its own thing against your wishes. Plus, it's downright FREAKY when your whole body's in transition and starts morphing, not even all at once or all bits in tandem, let's face it. So things haven't all got into correct, end proportion yet, unlike your head/face.
Physically, I've seen this too many times in too many peeps your age. (Not all of them - some grow their height and bits 'n bobs in this smooth, gradual pattern.) You suddenly become PacMan, the urge too strong to overcome. It might well mean your body, having done a bit of limbering-up, is now gearing up for the real deal - a massive spurt of growth...as obviously needs a prior 'stocking up'. (If you *weren't* eating a lot, it would *still* be laying down/shifting around fat....but that would mean other areas getting deprived.)
You're quite possibly going to be much taller than you or your family anticipated (maybe you inherited the Tall gene from a great- or great-great-greatgrandparent? - ask around, see if you had any?) and will eventually be hearing your visiting rellies and family friends doing that boring, typical, 'My GOD, you've grown since I last saw you!' thing, but to a far greater degree than average. So you *will* appear heavy in places for a bit, before you actually stretch up overall and out in other as yet un-expanded places. For example, your upper thighs might have turned womanly before the rest of you, making it appear for now that you have fat thighs, but then when you gain that extra X Feet of height *and* your shoulders and hips widen (but not your waistline), suddenly your thighs can end up looking comparatively thin for your height and size. Same for your previously podgy-appearing tum area once the hips and chest area expand.
The key word there is 'looking'. As your BMI shows, you LOOK heavy in places but actually are in the healthy and normal weighted area. Those parts are just 'revving', ready for the off that they'll get taken along for the ride with.
Son was the same. Despite technically ideal weight and slim everywhere else, including facially good-looking, he started collecting a considerable doughnut around his bellybutton and heavy, podgy hips (which looks worse on a boy than a girl, believe you me!) and, almost every single night, would stand in front of me in the living-room, prodding himself and despairing over the fact that 'he was getting fatter and fatter'. All I could do was try to keep reassuring and reminding him and telling him to wait-for-it, waaiit-for-iiit...!
Six months later and - WHOOSH!, it happened - the spurt started. *Very* quick, it was (less than 2 years in all). WAY taller than his parents and cousins now!
Try concentrating on your face and hair as much as possible so that they grab and command most of the attention and, in your mind, resign yourself to having to grit your teeth and 'wait fooor iiiit' that wee bit longer than you'd like, given the choice. If anyone still makes any comments, I suggest you say something along the lines of, 'My body hasn't finished yet, I'm still a work in progress; I'll remember to call you to come look when I'm done [wink]'.
I agree you should keep your muscles busy meanwhile, and try to find *some* healthier foods and snacks to start adding to your repertoire that taste as pleasing as naughty ones (e.g. Twiglets, veggie crisps, whole coconut that you milk and slice strips from yourself (you can even grill them), shell-on sunflower seeds and nuts, shell-on cooked prawns, pomegranates and lychees, carrot sticks dipped into houmous or cheesy dip, that sort of thing... foods that are fun to play with/break into), so that you don't end up tall and ideal weight but a bit flabby-muscled. (Are you a taste merchant or a texture one, predominantly?)
How tall are you at the mo. and what size are your feet?
Anyway - here you go, you might find this helps to reassure: http://www.livestrong.com/article/324155-why-did-my-daughter-gain-so-much-weight-in-puberty/
But I wouldn't diet OR WORRY if I were you or you could seriously interfere, insufficient calorie or upset hormones-wise, with what might well be a stunning end shape otherwise. Might end up more on the Twiggy than Ursula Andress side (- "Who?!", LOL).