Is my gut instinct trying to tell me something?
I walked away from my marriage after nearly 12 years on new years day this year. It was my decision as I felt very rejected by my husband. I have met someone who I knew about 15 years ago and we have started to see each other. He is sweet and caring. He is smitten and in love with me. I am also falling for him in a big way. We when are together everything is fine..... however, his past and the person he was is getting in the way.
He told me straight from the start that he smoked weed. I told him I didn't like it or do it but as long as he didn't do it around me then that was his choice. That changed when he asked to do it in my company with one of his friends and we had an argument about it as I had been clear from the start. I told him I didn't want anything to do with it as I never have and that if he wanted to continue with it then he could but I wouldn't be hanging around. We were only about a month into seeing each other so thought it was fair before anyone got hurt. He told me he could take it or leave it and he wouldn't use it again.
I trust him but not his friends who do smoke it and they don't particularly like me. Then his 16 yr old niece asked him to get him some which he said no too and we had an argument about that. We have spoken about why people ring him looking for other people etc and he said he knows a lot of people and that he was a bit of a del boy and he can't change who he was. I don't want him to change when we are together as he is the most lovely, caring and sensitive person I have met.
He had a call from the dealer last night looking for his friend and when I asked who it was he didn't want to tell me although he did. And tonight he has had a text off someone I've never heard of asking him to call him.... at 10.45pm. He works early shifts and is in at 6am. He has been doing this for over 2 years. He doesn't hide text messages when then come through and either do I as there is no need but once he replies he then deletes the conversation which I find really strange. He keeps all my texts that I sent him.
I don't know if he would hide something from me or lie to me and my gut is telling me that something isn't right. I've asked him about the messages and if I don't think the truth is being told I will ask him and he is adamant he is sharing everything with me. Am I trying to find something that isn't there? I really like him and my family love him.... I don't want to end up hurt again but I can't get the niggle out of the back of my mind that he isn't telling me everything. Please help??
Just from what you've said it sounds like he is a dealer. He may not be, but that's how it looks to me. How big of a deal that is to you is up to you. Weed is on its way to being legalized for personal use all over the country (if you're in the US), and in many states already is. So, in a few years there may not be a legal issue with what he's doing, so it would only be an issue with your preferences.
I don't smoke weed, and have only tried it once and did not like it at all (made me too nervous and jittery), but I don't have a problem with people (including, occasionally, my husband) stepping outside and smoking it. That's my level of tolerance, yours seems to be less.
Anyway, I can't see that what he's doing is bad enough to warrant breaking up if he's a nice guy, but maybe talk with him about being totally honest with each other.
Listen to and trust your gut instinct because it will always guide you in times of doubt. This guy doesn't want to hurt you but his habits and his past might come back to bite him and if you're with him, you could get bitten too. He's been(and still is)part of an environment which has a ripple effect on everyone involved with it and that includes people who are close to them.
Hi. I work for a drug and alcohol charity supporting people.. hence the no tolerance of it. Thank you both
What is it exactly that you are expecting from him ? You were okay with him doing weed with his friends but not to influence you. That then changes into him quitting it for good. But he still has friends who do it and will continue to ask for hookups because he cant just switch off completely. Then comes the doubting bit.
You need to firstly be realistic about your expectations. If you cant tolerate him being with his friends, than that is a huge change that you are asking for. Am not sure how comfortable is he about doing that. Irrespective of that, people will continue to try and contact him,but instead of you supporting him, you seem to continue to doubt him. Which is not fair. There will be instances where he might have to do someone a favor. Am sure you are aware that these things take a lot of effort and determination to change for the good.
It is not a loving act that you keep doubting him. You are most welcomed to keep a check on him and advice him. But every time someone messages him, you can't put on your radars and be a detective. I understand that you are totally against this habit, but do consider his position too. It is very nice and sweet of him that he loves you so much and has agreed to change for the good. And a lot of credit also goes to you.
I would suggest you to have a honest conversation about your doubts in general. And the guidelines you expect out of him. Let this be a loving relationship and not a doubting one.
Ok, so if you work for a drug and alcohol charity, does your charity handle weed? If so, you probably have more info and contacts then we probably do and maybe you can get info or help from resources within your charity? I'm sure of you ask a counsellor/expert they probably have more ability to tell what's going on.
But, if you think he's lying then ask for complete honesty between you two, and see if you feel he gives it to you. You can actually ask him directly, in a cooperative way, your exact questions and bring up your issues with his behavior.