Should I stay or should I go? Lies and ex-girlfriend
AMYBLACK - Nov 18 2016 at 09:50
first of all, thank you for taking the time to read this!
My boyfriend recently lied to me, and unfortunately I found out. I now don't trust him, have lost any physical attraction to him, but still think he's an amazing person and partner. He's very caring and affectionate.
The lie is a complicated one to explain, so please bear with me. We've been together for almost a year. Recently we had a few disagreements about his relationship with his ex. He claims they're just friends but she relies on him a lot for attention and they go to concerts, dinners, exhibitions alone together once in while. He says that she is his best friend and that there is absolutely no sexual attraction between them.
For his birthday, she got concert tickets (for the two of them) for one of his favourite bands. They went together and he didn't tell me anything about it. We spoke on the phone that night (after the concert) and I was under the impression that he had spent the evening at his house, with his housemates.
That was on a Sunday. On the Wednesday he tells me that he's going to a concert with his ex. I was fine with it. (Remember I knew nothing about Sunday). On Wednesday I decided to listen to some of the band's music, to get familiar with his tastes, and Spotify tells me that that band is playing in Glasgow on that exact day. We don't live anywhere near Glasgow. There is no way he could have gone to that concert. He lied.
I confronted him, and he said that he made up the concert on Wednesday because he felt guilty about no telling me about the one on Sunday.
What should I do? Did he feel guilty? Or was he just scared of me finding out from our mutual friends?
Should I trust him? What about his relationship with his ex?
Strange...how long have you guys been together? The lie is concerning, and reason to make you uneasy, but if you otherwise have a strong relationship, don't give up just yet. Maybe he said that because he felt guilty, or maybe he did it for nefarious reason. For whatever reason he lied, you should be able to have an open conversation about that, his relationship with his EX, maybe including you in their outings, and the long term effect of his ex and lying on the relationship. If you can't have open and honest conversation, then it will never work. For me (and this is just personal), once i'm in a committed relationship, I don't have significant relationships with Exs.If we happen to be at the same party, i'm friendly, but I don't go out of my way to reach out. Again, that's just me. Good luck
First of all, my heart goes out to you! I know the heat that rises in your chest and the panic that invades your body. Lying is the absolute worst and something I cannot tolerate. With that said, sometimes we place unknown pressures on those we love without knowing. Anyhow, first you need to ask yourself if this is who you want to be with. If you were hurt or in trouble or had amazing news, would he be the one you would call first? Want to rely on share with? If your answer is no, then this is a good reason to exit and just end things. If not and your answer is yes, then you need to open up and talk. Ask him why he felt like he couldn't tell you.. then listen, REALLY listen! Don't argue or say anything until he is done talking. Then take 10 second to think of everything he said. REALLY think about it! You will know if it sounds like bullshit or honesty. If honest, then explain your issues. Yes, your issues. I have them too and they are my issues to own. Tell him why you feel uncomfortable and why it makes it hard for you when shit like this happens. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you had a male ex and lied to him about it.
Then explain that if you two are to grow together, get closer, that you need to be able to trust one another and be open. Also you need to be able to have boundries set with others that makes the other one comfortable. If he loves you and wants the same from you, he will understand that. If he doesn't, then your probably better off. You don't need to feel this way! But make sure its a real issue and not related to your own issues.
I hope this makes sense...