Fiancée unhappy in my country
I'm new here, ever tried opening up for my "problems" in online forums.
Anyway, here goes:
I am a 32 year old girl. My fiancée and I have been together for 2.5 years approximately. Until recently we've had a "long distance" relationship. The reason for my "" is due to the fact that we've basically been seeing each other every month during the past 2 years, and every time we visited each other we stayed at the other persons country for 2/3/4 weeks (this was only possible because we both studied at the time and were flexible).
3.5 months ago we both graduated. We decided for him to move to my country. It was a mutual decision. I have an apartment which is relatively cheap, he's an entrepreneur and just started up his business, which is financially hard, so it made sense for us to move to my country where our costs of living would be smaller.
My fiancé is a well-travelled man; since he was 20 and until he was 27 he's been living in Canada and now holds a Canadian citizenship. Moved there without family (had a few good friends living there already) He created a good life there for 8 years and tons of good friendships. But at the age of 28 he moved back to his own country to study.
He has a huge love to canada, he keeps saying that "that's where I feel home". I just been visiting the place and the people he call home for the very first time. It was wonderful. Everyone was sweet and nice and I totally understand my fiancée.
Now we are back in my country. And I feel that my fiancée is anything but happy living here; he doesn't know the language, he doesn't have any friends (peoples mentality here is very different than what he's used to). He can't get a job yet, he doesn't have a work permission here yet. Things are just extremely much different here than what he's been used to in Canada.
I am getting very effected my his mood. Makes me want to move with him to Canada! Not because I myself want to leave (my family here and I are very close) and it would be an enormous sacrifice for me, but it's unbelievably hard to see him like this. I feel like I have a tons of responsibility on my shoulders; his happiness, the fact that he can't work and his business goes slowly effects our life together. And I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to live in a coyntry where you don't understand a word of what's being said. You feel like an outsider.
I truly don't know what to do.
We're at the point in life where we would also like to start a family soon, but to me the thought of not having my family close to me and experiencing their happiness of having grandchildren close to them breaks my heart.
My fiancée tells me all the time that it's up to me what we should do. He also tells me that he'll be "fine here" and that he "doesn't know how not to be happy in life". But I feel like one thing is what he says (that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he will be fine here) but another thing is how he behaves in my country.
What should I do. Anyone been in the same situation??
I can see how this would be a tough time, and I can only imagine.
I would first like to let you know that you shouldn't feel guilty for your fiancé's emotional state, though it is wonderful that you care (which I would assume anybody should in this situation).
Imagine the situation went vice versa, and you were to move to Canada with him. You may be feeling the same way he does now. In time, though, you would find a way to get through it, since you two have eachother.
In this situation, there is not much for you to do, except not feel accountable. He is a bit homesick, but he WILL get over it. Since he has you, and your home will most likely become familiar, like a home should. His job situation will be fixed, everything will end fine.
There is nothing you can do except wait it out and give him all your love.
I'm sorry if this wasn't your most productive answer but it's truest of true
Hope that you can figure this out together!
Thank you so much Claire, for your wonderful advice. I'll definitely try and leave my guilt feeling aside, and try to become more supportive. My issue is just, that as much as I'm sensitive to his wellbeing and happiness and as much as it effects me that he seems lto be struggling to be here and to be happy, I also tend to become upset and to pick up fights with him. And all of it comes out of frustration over our situation. I'm sad that he's not truly happy to live here, and then instead of being there for him and giving him some extra love and support, I tend to snap at him for complaining about being here..
It's a tough situation to be in, I must say. And I truly don't think he'll ever be happy here. People's mentality here in Scandinavia is just so much different than the mentality of people in Canada.
I agree with Claire. Mr Soulmate left his life in France to be "wiz me" and had terrible teething troubles at first. But it gets better if you're patient, understanding (not taking any of it personally) and have faith. Meanwhile, it's hard for you, too... you won't be used to having a dependent, let alone to that level....someone relying on you for absolutely everything.
So he's not 'not happy' to be there, he's merely not happy with being in the transitional stage of massive change to point of complete life overhaul and transformation. But then - who *does* tend to? It's a bit like a person saying they like how bleak and empty a new house feels while the furniture, etc., is still sat out in the removals lorries.
The overriding good news is, however, that his uprooting of himself shows you just how utterly fruit-loopy over you he must be.
I don't think much of his so-called nationality, anyway (whatever it is). I mean, look at his feet: he basically ran away from home and kept running until he hit Canada. Like you *say* - *you* don't believe you'd be able to hack the thought of not being close to your family. So what does it tell you that he could? If it's not because he has a less than pleasing relationship with his family, I'd bet you any money you like, that if you and he researched his family tree you'd find out his genes are doing a 'homing pigeon' job, meaning, his clan either hailed from Canada originally (way, way back) with those genes having somehow got re-activated in him a lot more than his family contemporaries or where theirs remain dormant, or came from somewhere wholly similar and compatible.
Yeah, he will become happy wherever you are, once he's finished with this initial discomfort and 'un-anchored-ness'. But I wonder if it's you, considering you're *still* refusing to accept his word for it that he will, whilst simultaneously even *considering* moving to Canada, given that according to you in your very next breath, it wouldn't be appreciated by your family. You said it yourself that you're PICKING fights with him, right? And you also indicate that the two of you weren't immediately certain as to whom would do the moving to whose country, right again? And, thirdly, you obviously loved Canada (so what does that say about your own genetic origin and make-up?) Maybe, without you even realising, your feet are trying to engineer a situation where he has to falsely confess to *not* liking Scandinavia enough so that you and he will "have to" go to the only other available option? After all, if you "had to/had no other choice", your parents couldn't resent you or he over having left for Canada, could they...it would be *the situation's* fault, meaning, they'd just have to deal with it (it's called Aeroplanes, LOL).
Food for thought?
Back to him, though: even *if* he agreed to being the one to up-stix, it's still hard, what he's doing, isn't it. So on that major basis, and my own experience and that of others, I'd say, *regardless* of where you and he eventually make your permanent (or second?) home, things won't just be 'fine', they'll be fantastic!. Which means you to 'homing' to Canada would simply provide the icing on the loved-up cake.
Meantime, give him things that are his job and his alone. And try to find out if there's some social club venue near you for ex-pats from Canada or his home country (but which you can attend with him). I'll bet there is. The Embassy of either should hold that sort of info.
So *you're* entering a massive transition as well, aren't you, if, as it appears, you're just beginning the process of mentally moving to Canada before daring to let your feet follow suit.
I have had a long distance relationship before they can be very tough on the heart. I wouldnt want to do it again but some people can handle it i cant.
Oh, gosh, yes! VERY. "I have no control and can't even see what s/he's up to or even whether it's *true* s/he's busy on these/those days..what if s/he's two-timing me behind my back or just doesn't feel as strongly as me or, worse, is mainly just stringing me along, HHHHH!?". You've got to be the sort of person that's exceptionally sure of yourself and trusting *or* that has enough relationship experience to know that even if it all goes belly-up, you'll handle the pain and disappointment because you've handled it too many times before and, bar a few cuts and bruises, came out of those washes perfectly okay and that much wiser, ready and better prepared for the next relationship.
Usually, where someone's opted/agreed in the first instances to do long-distance out of genuine, healthy reasons and intent, it's because the person feels they gave too much too soon in their prior relationships as was what contributed to the resultant splat, and so welcome or accept the distance as a self-made or inadvertent but handy way to self-restrain and be forced to take things slower and more measured and cautiously. Only, then, once they inevitably come to the realisation that it was actually more a case of 'right qualities, wrong recipient' and this time have chosen the *right* recipient (another "over-giver"), the distance becomes a bad thing that has to be removed from the equation via whatever means and methods it'll take.
But I'll bet you *could* do it again and *could* handle it...if the woman was the right woman for you. Diff/all the diff. Simple as that. We don't mind hard slogs if the work itself was moreover enjoyable and the rewards high as made the emotional hard work so completely and utterly worth it, do we.
Never say never or never again. If that were true then you'd expect to see quite a lot of grooms or brides taking their wedding vows still wearing a nappy and sucking on dummies, eh.