Will things ever be more?
I have currently been in a complex relationship that switches from friends with benefits to a loving and affectionate relationship. He has told me he loves me and this is the healthiest relationship he has ever been in...but then he talks about him still loving his ex and wonders if we are just rebounds for one another. I try not to say entirely how I feel when he says those things because I want him to stay open and connected with me. He doesn't like it when I talk about my exes and how they treated me and how I am afraid he could do the same...but he tends to say the same things and it hurts me terribly. I told him this and we got into a big argument on what he says isn't comparing but just making simple similarities. Sometimes I love him without question.
Other times I worry he isn't what he seems to be. Just like everyone else I have come across.
He says he loves me and understands why I am so scared.
I want to be in his life.
But I don't think he wants to have that sort of relationship in the end.
He likes how we are now...he doesn't want feelings or actions to change.
You partner isn't over his ex if he talks about her and wonders about rebound relationships. None of us are any good at our next relationship if we aren't totally 100% over the previous one. No wonder you label your relationship complex. In normal circumstances, he would be committed to you rather than arguing with you because he wouldn't have the wounded emotions which involve you in conflict. Instead he would have you on a pedestal and he would be striving to make it work with you. There's no way he can be properly connected with you, nor can you expect it, when part of his heart is elsewhere.
His actions say that he's still trying to get over ex and it's his connection to the past which dictates whether you're a couple or FWB. You end up being hurt terribly, as you state, and you need to ask yourself what you expect out of a loving and affectionate relationship and compare it to what you have now. Regardless, the choice is yours as to whether you stay and just love him without question and possibly end up just as miserable and frustrated as he is or you be with someone whose heart allows them to love, appreciate and respect you for who you are.
In the meantime, you need to get over your own insecurities from your past to be able to move on successfully as well. That way you won't have the need to sometimes live in it.
Why rush anything or seek a definite answer about this relationship at this time?
It seems BOTH of you have issues that need to be worked on - and the time to do it.
In the meantime, make your interactions loving and memory making. That's the best way to make a past love fade away.
Leave the drama out and put it to the side.