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Marriage problems

Posted by
ADRIAN
on Nov 4 2005 at 21:00
Member since: 08 January 2005
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Hello to anyone who will listen. I'm a 29 year old female with lots of problems in my marriage. My husband and I met in high school and have been married for almost 10 years. We've been having problems for 6 of those years. His family is really invasive and for a while I blamed them for a lot of our problems. Well, sort of. Actually I used to blame myself. I had horrible problems with my step-dad while I was growing up, and I don't see my family now. So most of the time I thought I must be the screwed up one in our marriage.

Anyway, we've been seeing a therapist for a while, and while he did say that I have depression, he mostly focusses on my husbands contribution to all of our problems. After my husband's mother started to show that she didn't like me much, my husband began to be angry with me a lot. He constantly wanted to make me change my personality or just hide who I was. I had begun to stay at home becuase we were planning to try to have a baby. My husband loved the things I did for him at home (cooking and decorating more at the holidays than usual, etc.), but he was ashamed of me around other people. He seemed to want me to create the nice feeling at home that he never had as a kid and be a successful business woman like his mom all at once. This was kind of impossible and not really what I wanted anyway. Then he decided he didn't want kids, and when his family accussed me of not wanting to have a baby, he just let me take the blame. This type of thing has gone on for a very long time. Whenever someone isn't crazy about something in my personality or he just thinks they're not crazy about it , he goes nuts. He wants me to be funnier, louder, quieter, sexier, wilder, just whatever he thinks will make everyone else happy. This used to only happen around family and some of his friends. Now it happens all of the time. It's worse than ever, and then he acts as though I'm never happy enough with him.

Our therapist says that he is putting himself into his mother's role and me into his childhood role. I can definately see that, but nothing ever seems to change. I'm so depressed and alone. Before we started seeing a therapist I overdosed on tylenol pm a few times. I start to feel so hopeless. The truth is, my mother kind of treated me this way. She blamed me that her life wasn't perfect when my step-dad didn't like me. I feel like I will never have anyone in my life who truly loves me. I don't usually feel suicidal anymore, or feel like everything is my fault. But now I can see when my husband is trying to manipulate me, and it hurts so much to know that he would do this to me intentionally. The thing is, the few moments when all of this disfunctional crap isn't going on are incredible. Blissful even. My husband and I deep down are very much the same. We have the same types of insecurities and the same types of pain. But it seems so few and far between now that I can actually get to the person in his soul. And what's worse is that now I'm pregnant. I've wanted children for so long, and I'm very happy about the baby, but I'm terrified. I'm afraid I'll have to raise this baby alone and I don't know if I can do it. I never finished college and I haven't had a job in several years. And worse, I'm afraid my husband's behavior will go on after we're divorced. I have no one to turn to for help. Does anyone have any advice or even just a few words of encouragement? Someone please help!

Reply from
MISS S
on Jan 11 2006 at 21:49
Member since: 04 January 2006
Hi Ruth

You posted this a while a go and I have just read it. I'm not sure I have a solution for you. But I hope that if you have now confirmed that you are pregnant that everything is going okay and that your husband has changed and is now being suportive.

Hopefully he has realised that he should love you for who you are and not as someone he can shape into the person he wants you to be.

Good luck.

Reply from
MIMI
on Aug 27 2006 at 03:25
Member since: 27 August 2006
Hey Ruth, I know you posted this awhile ago, and I hope you are still reading these posts.:) I am in a very simular situation I almost thought I was going crazy until I read your post. I feel better now because I know now that I am not the only one in this situation. I cant tell anyone about this issue because my mother has problems of her own and if she had her way she would want me to leave him and go spent my time with her. I have been with my husband for ten years as well, We are getting ready to have our second child. He is a wonderful father and friend for the most part, but like you I feel that I can only get to the "friend" part sometimes. My problem is that I love him with all of my heart however so does everybody else because he has one of those happy go lucky personalities. I tries to make everyone happy and in the mist of doing this I am the one that gets left behind as if I am not good enough or needy enough. His mother is a demon and no matter what i do to try to make her and him happy she calls me evil and he sometimes agrees with her because I dont kiss her ass the way she wants me to. anyway I feel alone and depressed and I know hes not that good for me but like you said the time we spend alone is amazing and i wish those moments would last forever. But they dont. We usually end up arguing and he ends up over his friends house to come down. He has never messed around or hit me or anything like that but I just want more than what I am getting. I have had thoughts of suicide I am just to scared to actually do it plus when you have kids you kind of live through them and they are the angels that can keep you going through the ruff spots. I think about leaving him but he is like a poison in my veins and in my mind I cant seem to shake him I think about him all of the time and sometimes I feel like I am in love with him way more than he is in love with me. He always says that I am moody and not happy enough for him I cant be what he wants me to be and I dont know what to do. (Sound familiar:) ) Anyway I hope you have worked through your problems and if you did let me know how you did it. IF not all I can say is dont change yourself to the point where you dont know who you are anymore. its not worth it. Do try to compromise which I am sure that you do just dont bend his way too much. As for me I will try to do the same and maybe one day I will eventually figure it out.

If you believe in prayer :) I will keep you and your family in mine good luck:)

Reply from
SHELL80
on Aug 31 2006 at 00:00
Member since: 31 August 2006
Hi Ruth

I'm sure you've had this baby by now and I hope all has worked out.

A similar thing happened to me I was in a situation where I never felt I was the person my ex wanted me to be and I realised that this was never going to change.

I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks after we split up, I am a single mum and it's really not that bad I know that it's better than us being together for the baby. The father my ex has stood by me all the way and has really taken on the role as a father he is doing a fantastic job and we are doing it together as very good friends. When the baby was born and my ex changed I was so upset that he could never be so happy and content with me as he is with our son but I am getting through it slowly. I have no regrets leaving him or having the baby as a single mother. I have a fantastic friend and an amazing baby boy. He didn't contact me much through my pregnancy so I was ready to be on my own but now the baby is here I know that even if my ex wasn't around I would never ever have been alone.

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