When is enough enough?
I have two children and got divorced a few years ago. During our separation/divorce, my ex came completely unglued. He's always suffered from depression and anxiety throughout our relationship and things had come to a point where it was too much. When I suggested a trial separation, he threatened to harm me.
After his breakdown, he sought therapy and medication to help control his condition. He wanted to try to work things out for the same of the kids and because he still loved me. I cared about him and I wanted the kids to have their dad more involved since his condition seemed to have improved.
We've been back together for about a year now and his condition has gotten much worse. He says that our kids make his anxiety act up and he has become more mean in his dealings with them and with me. He blames me for his condition and thinks that I'm expecting too much for wanting help, both with finances and housework. It's as if I have a third child at times.
I want to be supportive and know that relationships take work but I feel like I'm on my own to handle things so much of the time. I feel frustrated, overwhelmed and alone. But if I ask him to leave, my kids would be devastated. So when is enough enough? How should I change things?
The trick is to realize when to try and repair a relationship and while children are a powerful motivator, all involved in the relationship need to benefit from the repair process. You only need to look at your emotions mentioned in your post to realize that your ongoing efforts are failing. You are putting your all in while your ex, his attitude and his condition is basically making the situation worse if that's possible.
His blaming you of his condition means that he needs further therapy etc but he should be trying to achieve this away from the environment that he's in now. There's little possibility of your kids benefiting from this environment and therefore you should be taking steps to ensure that they are happy and secure.
You are at a crossroads now, and you need to understand that regardless of your determination and consideration to try and get things to work, you need to be able to function, and if your circumstances are that the situation is affecting your ability to function, then you need to save yourself. You're no good to anyone, let alone yourself, if you eventually break down.
Just as your ex needs therapy and assistance, you too, can look for professional counseling and assistance either together or by yourself. Your children are in the mix and they need both of you to be happy and healthy whether you're a couple or not.
"But if I ask him to leave, my kids would be devastated.'
Are you sure about this?
You say the kids "make his anxiety act up." Don't you think the kids sense that - that Dad is bothered by them?
He sounds like an emotionally unavailable parent AND husband.