Can a married man be best friends with a single women?
My husband of 10 years has best friend who I've known since she was kid, anyways they grew close and their friendship used to bother me because they would wrestle on the floor and to me it was unacceptable behavior. I told him and he stopped. However their friendship makes me uneasy. She's always texting him for help even when she has boyfriend and sometimes their text message are flirty. I've confronted him and he gets offensive and he swears he's never done anything but has thought about it. How am I suppose to feel about gat and trust them together?!? We have a solid relationship and I believe when he says he hasn't done anything but I can't get it out of my head that "what if" someday.
Your husband needs to make you his best friend for you to regain your trust. Realistically, he shouldn't have a bestie who gets in the way of his marriage. He shouldn't have the need for a female someone else in his life who texts him for help even though they are with someone else at times. There's a further problem when he gets offensive when you confront him because, simply put, you wouldn't need to confront him about his behavior if he was 100% committed to you. There's no way a married man of 10 years can have a female close friend of whom he's thought of going further with, and admits it to his wife, and then expect her to be comfortable about it.
You need to step back and look at your solid relationship because somewhere in there, there's a chink in it's armor. There's a reason why he needs his female best friend in his life.
It is within a Man's nature to go for lust rather than purity. The fact is that your husband will love you as much he can irrespective of her presence. Infidelity or bad thoughts only come into play when you allow them to happen. Let me explain, if they both spend a lot of time sharing each others problems, it is but natural that there is a bond that is created. And one thing leads to another. Now this is the worst case scenario for you. But on the brighter side of it, as i mentioned earlier, your husband will always love you. Only caution that you need to take is that there is transparency of what is happening.
There are plenty of married men and women who remain close friends even after marriage. But it is very important that they define their lines clearly to each other. I understand your insecurity about it. But firstly you need to sit him down and have a frank conversation, rather than doubting him. It will help clear all the misunderstandings.
I have made a mistake when i was younger. Where i dated my high school crush who was married 6 years and i was single. We were very close friends and shared a lot of time talking over the phone, sharing each others problems, she sharing her marital problems, making an extra effort to cheer each other up. We knew each other for more than 15 years i guess. It just took us one bad move to make things go bad. We knew each other for about 15 years. And one month of lust, ruined it all. I am sharing this with you, so that you can prevent the same mistake for your husband to make.
You need to ensure that they don't depend on each other for their emotional needs. You should be present when they meet. You should know clearly about what they are talking. I wont tell you to sit and pry on them. But there has to be no hiding. I also understand that having friends is an important part of every persons life. There are some things you want to share with a friend and not yours partner. So, publicly meeting, talking over the phone for a short period, no hiding texts. These are ground rules for every person that your husband shares a bond with. And ofcourse the same also applies to you.
So sit him down, tell him that you don't mind them being friends. But tell him that there are some ground rules that need to be maintained. It is very easy to slip into making mistakes. So its better to be cautious than regret them later. Am sure that he will have some resistance towards this when you speak it out with him. So becareful that you don't push him away and you don't make him hide things from you. Tell him that you believe in him completely and that you don't doubt him. But there are things that make a wife insecure, and that he has to be in line for those reasons.
Hope things work out for the best between the two of you. Take care
(Nice one, guys!)
Cinnamon Girl, here's an extra angle regarding the 'reason for it' (or reason-ZUH)...
'Don't know what you've got until its gone (or seemingly going or even liable to go)' + 'Treat her mean to keep her keen/keener/re-keen' + 'Hurry up and buy me whilst stocks last!'
This whole arrangement sounds like a tacit 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours' one...A mutual form of faux social prostitution:
- She pays what she believes to be the annual subscription fee needed for securing his continued male/brotherly-style help or input in the face of 'game over' competition (you as bff *and* lover *and-and-and..*) as could well see her abandoned as his "friend" for these days newly being surplus to requirements.
- And he, for the small price of still paying her intermittent help/input over her leaking taps or boyfriendly niggles (and/or maybe just a sense of not being alone in the world whenever between bfs), gains help when it comes to making you keener than (he thinks) you are or ought to be by now....hence why he strangely, somewhat potentially suicidally (as if we're supposed to believe he's Forrest Gump) elected to TELL you that he's 'thought about it'.
Is it a case (for him) of 'Ketchup, Baby Tomato!?', needing to feel you're as super-keen towards him as he already is you, to level the otherwise, naturally scary playing-field? Or is he innately a not very secure bloke whenever in the risky situation of someone else holding his heart and sanity in her hands, therefore feeling he needs to keep you in the game, never liable to go off (his opinion) secretly-unworthy him, by provoking extra interest and attentiveness via your natural sense of female-to-female competitiveness as leads to your own fear of loss? Or is he a chicken who needs to feel he has unfair power over a lover so as not to feel unsafe all the time?
Or *have* you been dropping the attentiveness ball lately?
In more cases than not, the one who needlessly creates problems in the romance for either or both of you (same thing in this context, just differing results ETAs) is the one who feels the least safe and secure. So that's him, then, isn't it.
I mean, look at the evidence: were she interested in him that way then how come she's never ever in all that time taken advantage of supposedly so many-MANY opportunities to get it on? And same for him?
...Actions (this case, lack of) speak. And they say, 'Nope, not interested like that'. But actions *also* say, lack of respect OR fear obliterating respect.
The truth is, you pose as a threat to HER...she could permanently lose her so-far lifelong friend simply because, unlike you, she's not best friend *and* romantic-sexual supplier all rolled into one, nor wants to be, and knows that he doesn't *really* need a bff any more, let alone another source of sexual-romantic supply.
It's still inappropriate and unacceptable, in fact in this context of being in-love it's downright cruel, albeit that he might not have ever stopped to see it that way and realise its hurtful impact or extent of. So, yep, you definitely need to draw up all the rules of protocol and etiquette.
Saying that, however, if this woman's so damned desperate to have, or in this case keep hold of, a best friend, that she'd basically lower herself to dangling or suggesting normally off-limits carrots to someone whom time has PROVEN is mutually only platonic, then I doubt she cares all that much what gender they are, MEANING, if you wanted to be canny about it and possibly end up with a wholly surprisingly tight, best friendship yourself (considering Like attracts Like) then you could always try a takeover bid [evil cackle]. I'm sure she'd much prefer a genuine friendship with someone whom themselves genuinely appreciates friendship for its own sake and nothing else, no artificial sweeteners or lures required. I mean, CONSIDERING her feet have for too long and too many times basically said, 'Er, no thanks, mister', despite her slight con-jobbing, it might well prove a blessed relief to know there's someone there for her whenever she needs them *without* her basically having to say 'If you help me again, I'll show you me knickers...*maybe*'. Don't you?
I've seen this bonus off-shoot of 'trying to de-fuse the threat' happen *many* a time. It would especially work if you knew her before he did (as could indicate a motive on her part of trying to get *your* attention). In fact, if that's the case (because you don't say), it would be nigh-on guaranteed...although you'd obviously want to avoid bringing her home, always suggesting outside meeting places until you'd got the full measure of her and the situation. If that sounds like too much hassle, though, then, again, I agree you need to make all the boundary lines of their association crystal-clear.