Note: I've been diagnosed with A.D.D. and asperger. They only told me about my asperger diagnosis about a year ago. I'm not sure if this is relevant to my story but I figured I should point it out anyway.
So my life has never been too great and I was first diagnosed with clinical depression at age 13. (I'm 21 now) My parents, whom are against psychiatrists and the lot, decided not to do anything about it. I suffered badly and had periods in which it went better, and periods in which I was worse. Now for he past two years, my depression returned due to various social issues and school situations. During all this time I had 1 friend whom was my support, my one friend, and whom felt like a big brother to me. I met him when I was 11 years old. I'm insaney grateful to him and he is the one person I couldn't go without. Either way, since my depression came back over the past 2 years my parents somehow came to the idea that I do should see psychiatrists and psychologists, but so far all of these things made me more miserable if anything atall. I'm currently following hippotherapy which is very relaxing to me, but apart from that didn't fix anything just yet. In fact, the only two stress-reducing factors I have in my life are my one childhood friend, and animals.
Now this is where it got worse; After 5 years of being the best of friends, we eventually started a relationship. And after 5 lovely years, he decided to dump me last september. I have been an emotional wreck ever since and got involved in a lot of drama in every possible way. A week after dumping me, another girl wiggled her way into his life and they have been dating ever since.
I'm currently in this situation where, I really want my boyfriend back, but above all else, I want my "best friend" back. We waited so long to start dating because we were afraid it'd ruin our friendship, so when we did, we made the promise that, even if we ever broke up, we'd go on being the close friends that we had always been. So I kind of feel like" fine, if he doesn't love me, I can't force him to be with me, but I at least want my friend back." Yet of course, especially now he's dating, things are very different. He doesn't want to hang out anymore, he's not atall thrilled to see me anymore and a ton of stupid, daily things are painful to me. It's killing me, really.
Apart from hanging out with him, I had 1 other social activity which I partook in together with him; a student's club. The thing is, the girl he's dating now is part of that club, as is he, and I learned the rest of my club is so "thrilled" for them to be together and in the end, doesn't care about how I feel atall, meaning I lost my club due to this as well, and thus my last social activity.
It's like, the one person who was like a medicine for me to handle my depression, now became the most major cause of my depression. The one person whom I could talk to when I felt bad, is now the one person who gets mad at me the least that I somewhat show how bad I feel. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've been desperately trying to find something, someone to hold onto, but that resulted in a love triangle between me and two guys, one of which is also mentally very unstable and is now in a very bad position due to me, causing me to feel even worse with myself.
This overall situation is ruining my life since I find no more effort to attend my classes, study, or put in any effort for anything atall. Even when I try so hard, the panic just takes over and leaves me unable to do anything.
So here I am, telling all of this to you guys, hoping for a little thing to hold onto, hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice on what to do. So far antidepressants didn't help me, seeing psychologists or psychiatrists only made me more miserable, trying to find someone else to hold onto got me involved only in drama, I don't have any other person to talk to and I have no clue how to fix my depression. I'm this kind of person who normally only finds peace in solutions, so all these ways people try to give me to calm down that do not involve fixing any of my problems, just stress me out more.
I also don't really know how to go about my friend/ex. People tell me to just drop him since he's my "ex boyfriend" so to just move on, that I'm making it worse on myself trying so hard to hang out with him, yet as I see it this guy is the one true friend I had and every piece of me wants to fight for that friendship, every bit of me wants to try and get my friend back. But yes, my struggle so far has only proven very painful and useless. Yet if I drop him, then I lose him entirely. I try so hard every day just to casually talk to him, but I usually end up misunderstood and him being frustrated with me. But I know that if I'm not making an effort, he doesn't "need" me as he is now, so he's not going to make one either.
I know this is already a lot of story to take in while yet this only describes the very tip of the iceberg, so if something needs to be clarified, don't hesitate to ask. I really, genuinely hope that any of you can give me some valid advice, no matter how small. Thanks in advance.
I know that my depression must've weighed on him, but I always tried to have a very openminded relationship with as much dialogue as possible. It also hurts me so much because there was only 1 true issue between us. Everyone tells me now to just give up on him, "more fish in the sea." But we matched for 99%, give or take a few silly fights over who had to do the dishes or something, but that 1% killed it. Basically it was this thing where I felt like "When I get invited to do something, first thing I'll do is ask my spouse if he wants to come, and if it's possible for him to come along, I'll bring him." Whereas he feels like "If I get invited to do something by friends, it's inappropriate for me to invite along my girlfriend." Now I can really get that no one wants to hang out with a couple and play third wheel, but whenever they went with a group he left me out of it, and it's caused us a lot of fighting. At times he did ask me along, but only AFTER I threw a hissyfit over it.
The issue is, neither one is wrong. If I tell this to 100 people, 50 tell me he's right, and 50 tell me I'm right. Yet to give up on something that was just about perfect for that one reason? I feel like, no matter how I search, what are the odds of ever finding someone again with whom I have such a near-perfect chemistry? What's the point of even trying to find someone else. So I really just don't know how to go about this right now. It's like I lost the last light that held my hand through the darkness.
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