Control of sex in my marriage?
HOPELESS1 - Dec 1 2016 at 03:52
Hey everyone this is my first time doing something like this. I just don't know where else I can let off some frustration. It's a long story and I need some help. I was married a year ago. My husband and I had always had a great sex life up until we got married. It then slowly started to fade out. A few months into our marriage I found out he had been watching a lot of porn. So naturally I addressed this with him. We fought a lot as a matter of fact I was ready to end the marriage because he had also been on some chat sites.
I didn't end it. As a matter of fact at about that time I found out I was pregnant. Like I said we fought a lot. He promised me he would stop watching porn. Well I don't really believe be did because my sex life went from bad to worse.
During my pregnancy I can count 3 times we had sex. We went 4 months with nothing. I tried everything in my power to get home in the mood. He couldn't even keep it up to perform. That of course evoked a lot of different thoughts for me. He is 40. He agreed to go to the doctor to discuss because he swears it's not me. The doctor put him on an antidepressant thinking this was the cause. My husband has told me the reason he doesn't want to have sex is because we fight all the time. I am not really buying it because we maybe have an argument twice a month and usually it is over lack of intimacy.
In general he shows me no affection at all. The baby has been here for a month now. I have no issues where that is concerned. He avoids talking to me about why he really does not show me any affection at all. I asked him if he would prefer I found someone else to show me the affection I need. He said of course no and that would upset him. My reply was then you need to show me I mean something to you. Basically that was end of our conversation. He hates talking about it.
Because he has all control of when he will be intimate with me or show me affection I am torn on what to do. I am not happy. I am a very sexual person and intimacy makes me feel closer to someone and makes me happier. If he is still watching porn which he insists he isn't he has gotten good at hiding it.
I am just so lost about the whole thing. Not to mention we not only fight over intimacy but he also has no job at the time and seems to lack ambition to do anything other than playing softball.
We spend no quality time together anymore.
Watching pornography is a very natural thing for men, irrespective of they being married or not. So firstly don't judge him or stop him to do that. It has very little value in their lives. Men of his age have been there and done that. So it takes more than just the normal naked body to get turned on. Hence they look for other fantasies. I do not dismiss your argument that he should be doing all those fantasies with you rather than wanking it off solo.
As you clearly mentioned that it is more of the friction amongst you both and that there is lack of intimacy. A man of his age aims more peace than excitement (mostly). So you need to understand that his capabilities of satisfying are going to be limited. Now i totally understand you disagreeing with me here. But i suggest you to give it a thought before dismissing it. Secondly, anti depressants, counseling do work a great charm but at the same time you both need to aim to gel better rather than just focusing on one aspect of the marriage.
Having a baby does change a lot amongst the partners relationship. It is a tough phase. A woman's body also changes after that and it will take a little time for him to get used to it. I honestly feel that you should firstly stop embarrassing him by checking if watches pornography or not. If he wants to do it, let him to do it. Secondly, work towards spending time with each other more often. Doing chores together, going for a surprise vacation, meeting with common friends together, going for movie nights etc. The idea is to make this work and not blame each other for their faults. I thoroughly understand your sentiments and your agony of not having some crave for you or care for you.
You should try and give more thought to the fact that he feels that you both fight a lot. Am not saying that you intentionally fight with him or argue with him. But i only insist that you chose a different approach where you can deflect an argument and spend more time talking to each other about the things you'll like.
Waking up each day and telling your self about all the good things that are around you, makes a lot of difference. I don't intend to sound like a preacher to you, but i have experienced a change in myself by using these small techniques. There are plenty of books or small articles available that teach you how to have a positive outlook in life. You both should make a small attempt to read it. The reason that i suggest you to read them is because it is very important that you along with him have a change of outlook towards life and also towards each other.
The more you nag at him or make him conscious about his behavior, the more he will hide things from you. You too need to respect his privacy. Don't give him ultimatums or solutions that are going to end your marriage. As i said before, he is at an age where he is going to want more of peace in his life. That is the main reason he is making these small efforts that you forcefully making him do. So, yes ! You are dealing with a tricky situation here. But i do suggest that you too spend some time making your self happy. And then am sure things will work out for the best.
I am not quiet sure if you both have visited a marriage counselor but maybe that might help you understand the reasons why he is behaving the way he is. My focus would be more on making him your friend again and not blaming him for his faults. And this all is to eventually make you happy and live a stable life too. Now that you have a child, things change. It is not easy to just let go someone you loved so deeply. So spend some good amount of time pampering yourself too. You mentioned about him not working and not being ambitious, well yes thats where the devils mind starts working. He has more time to think about all the wrongs that he is doing and thats what de-motivates him to improve himself.
Make him attend the "Art of Life" session. Maybe that might help him.
Hope things work out for the best for the both of you :)
I appreciate you responding to me. So let me clarify a little. Ok men watch porn. Yes you are correct and I am not always checking. I actually don't that often. I would say twice in the last year. And the reason I did was because he completely cut me off from sex. And mind you I have always done any fantasy he had. And in all honesty I am the more sexual and kinky partner. And yes I did have a baby, however it is my third child so not much has changed.
You know the thing that bothers me most is the pure lack of intimacy. No affection there at all. And it all seems to have ended right after we married.
I had been married before, he had not. I did see a counselor after that marriage to work on myself.
My current husband went to a counselor a few times and always comes back saying they say the same things you do.
I am a nurse and have some psych background and do try to be the helpful and listening wife and give unbiased help.
And I do totally agree with you he has way to much time to think about his lack of not doing anything. And yes I am sure it doesn't make him feel good knowing I am the bread winner of thr family. But then I would expect him to get out there and try to get a job. Instead he doesn't then gets mad when I complain about him not trying.
I don't know the whole thing is a mess. I feel lost. I feel like I have lost my husband and don't have a man who wants me in any way. Like I said he has all control over when sex or any intimacy happens. That's not a good position for the other person to be in.
There is a possibility that he feels intimidated by you. As you said, you are the bread winner for the family. Secondly, because you have some background in psych, it puts you in a better position than he is. This helps you solve your problems in a better way than he could do. Why is this relevant ? Thats because he feels that he is being judged by every move that he makes, every mistake that he makes. I don't wish to sound cynical in anyway but, the fact also remains that you can see a problem in the making miles away than what he could even imagine. This is ofcourse a good thing, but this also means that he is unable to be himself. The lack of intimacy is surely surely a very sad thing to go through. But the only reason that he is being away from you is because he is scared to be himself in front of you. He is scared to make mistakes, he is conscious about all of it. And i am aware that we are talking about a 40 year old man and not a young kind here. But the situation still remains the same.
It is a privilege for someone to have a wife like you. Someone who really really wants to be close to their partner. Someone who really cares for him and genuinely wishes to help him during his bad times. He seems to have lost confidence in himself. And you are right to keep pointing out his mistakes. I know you are doing it for his good and i wouldn't suggest you to stop that either. Getting him back on track should be your priority at this point of time. Securing him a good job is extremely essential for your relationship to work smoothly. This might take time and patience. But once he is back on track and is occupied, things will drastically change.
So i would strongly suggest that you work on pushing him to get a good job. Leading by example is the best way a person learns. He is a good person, only thing that he needs right now is for you to push him a little bit to get back on track. And yes i surely believe you when you say that you are doing everything possible to make him more intimate with you.
Ask him to include you in his porn watching and make that an intimate time. Talk about what you see and what you can try yourselves.
(Harry, please use asterisks in future or euphemisms like 'self-servicing', in case any little kiddies or people who are easily offended might be reading. Cheers.)
"That's not a good position for the other person to be in."
Sorry, but so is picking your nose and eating it a 'natural' thing for any apes, hairy or modern-and-naked, to do. One trip to the local zoo's chimp or gorilla enclosure (or spying on someone from behind their living-room sofa for a full week) would show you that. Especially when single and living alone...where you might also fart loudly and smellily! But that doesn't somehow make it any more age-appropriate and acceptable when in the company of other people whose feelings and sensitivities you care about, does it, if they, like so many others (or even if not), find it abhorrent and antisocial or even anathema. Assuming they did, and didn't see why they should have to lower themselves to your level by joining in with the abhorrent habit, but you yourself possessed (thus demonstrated) zero intention of ceasing - accordingly, you probably would be better off not marrying them in the first place, out of a recognised, mutual incompatibility to the extent of Dealbreaker. Or, failing that, annulling it in the face of over-copious writing on the wall that says, it turns out you couldn't cut the marital mustard like you'd (presumably) hoped.
Privacy? If you want that much privacy, it's simple: don't get married (or kid yourself and the other person that you were doing it for real) in the first place. Get yourself sorted and ELIGIBLE, FIRST.
Oh, look: "And it all seems to have ended right after we married". Gosh, what uncanny timing, never heard that one before [rolls eyes].
Put it this way, Hopeless1, if you'd known at the alter that he'd not only watch porn but, because of it, fail to give you proper conjugals or cuddles, compliments, etc., etc. - would you still have said 'I do'? Because let's examine the actual CONTEXT, here, given said OTHER major, anti-marital behaviour, namely, chatting up other women online despite married ("forsaking all others") and providing practically zero affection, verbal or physical ("to love and cherish/have and to hold"). Thin end of wedge or not, it's still considered to be a form of adultery and (as usually leads to - as we see) marital neglect. And not just adulterating but actually openly FLAUNTING it!
Try to understand the poor wee bubbie? You DO understand it, and perfectly well - that's the whole trouble here!
No, men who are getting it from elsewhere *don't*, generally, tend to still be up for more of the same with their spouse. Indeed, unless *very* highly sexed, why would they? Where's the urge if the urge is getting spent/discharged elsewhere? Would you likewise expect someone to merrily sit down at your table to eat a three-course meal after only an hour or so of having had one in a restaurant?
Romantic Relationship is a verb before it's a noun. Fixing requires discussing *as a team*, to get the bottom of it all and know what TO fix and how, *as a team*. He refuses to discuss, he refuses to fix, he refuses to facilitate fixing for his spouse *and* doctor. Not a teammate. Doesn't want anything fixed, to point of doesn't even try (bar the odd fob-off and pacifier here and there). Seemingly, from what I gather from you, *does* want to be a father with all the other appearances of being normal and healthy (i.e. functional). He clearly is okay with how things stand.
Well, good for him. BUT YOU'RE NOT, you're FAR from okay! And neither should you be teaching a grown adult, basically how to tie his own shoelaces...particularly when he keeps batting your hands away! If as a grown man you need and expect that then you're woefully non-qualified to be anyone's husband, END OF. Because - where's HIM 'listening'? Where's HIM 'worrying' about what to do and yearning for that lost harmony and closeness again? Where's HIM trying to understand and consider YOUR most fundamental needs and willing, even, to do you what struck as a FAVOUR? Where's him even trying to do his no. 1 requisite of BEING MAIN PROVIDER (or even joint)? How's feeling constantly rejected AT CORE for 'feeling like you're being judged' (as in, Nope, not fanciable!)? And where is his improvement thanks to said anti-depressants for so-called depression? What are we supposed to conclude - that he's five years old?!
Let's also not forget that there was a point, once, where there the so-called nagging *wasn't* so rife and copious. What - even THAT little amount was too overwhelmingly disabling and handicapping for the poor, wee baby? You wouldn't even have any NEED to fight if he were doing at least some of his husbandly duties or at least showing genuine endeavour - right?
Soul destroying...right on target for such a deep sense of helplessness and incarceration that the next stop would be Depressionville. For you!
Yes - counselling. On pain of divorce while kidlet's still young enough not to know anything different (and too young to get 'programmed' by such an unhealthy husband-wife dynamic being constantly, day-after-day sponged up). Because it's too telling, that 'uncanny' timing (as per).