Is vacationing with her ex OK??
OK, I am hoping it is not as bad as it sounds...but here goes. I have been dating a woman for about 9 months and in the beginning she told me that she is still married but has been separated for over 9 years. At first it didn't matter but now my feelings for her have grown and hers have grown for me. Her "ex" comes to all family gatherings and I can understand that. Birthdays,weddings, that sort of thing. They get along and I think that is nice but she has just told me that their whole family is spending Christmas in a cabin up in the mountains near by. It is just her, her husband, their 3 children and 3 grandchildren. No one else!! Am I wrong in thinking that is a bit much?? I know there will be no funny business going on and I do trust her but it just doesn't seem right to me. When I first objected she said they did it last year and she has already booked the cabin and will not cancel. And now if she did, I would be the bad guy for ruining everyone's Christmas plans. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle this. Am I over thinking it?? I have never met him but I am invited to a Christmas party for the whole family and I am sure he will be there. I am just at a loss of how to deal with this. I guess I am hoping people will tell me it is OK, and not to worry about it, but the very few people I have had the nerve to tell think it is all wrong!! Any advice?? Any thoughts?? HELP!!!
Just my thoughts,
If you are serious about her, and she is serious about you, she really should have invited you to the cabin too so that you could begin to be part of the family. In my opinion, it IS a bit much! At least you will be able to attend the party, though. What an uncomfortable situation. I sympathize with you! Good luck, and happy holidays
Thank you very much for the reply. Even one of her daughters asked her why she didn't invite me, but she thought it wouldn't be right. Also my son will be in from out of town so not sure I would even go. It would have been nice to have been asked though. In fact the way I was informed about this seemed kind of weird. We were in the process of planning a cruise trip and she told me she had to put a deposit on the cabin for Christmas for the family. That is when she told me it would just be them...I was a bit hurt, but maybe I am more invested in this than she is.
It will be a very interesting Christmas to say the least.
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it and hope I can hear what others think of this!!
Firstly, whether it's the done thing or not, there's plenty of people who used to be married who still maintain contact with their ex spouses and share family occasions together for whatever reasons. There's also people out there who can't understand this and don't want to even attempt to try and understand it. Your challenge is to either accept how your GF maintains the relationship with her family and go along with it or don't...it's that simple. If you need to be with her, then you need to accept all of her, including how she interacts with her 'ex' husband.
Secondly, when she finally gets around to divorcing him, things might be different. You need to look at the reasons why she's still married 'on paper' after 9 years of separation, because divorce, whether amicable or angry, closes a door, emotionally and psychically. It lets people move on and open another door.
Your GF and her ex husband could possibly still share a tiny something between them and neither of them will be able to get over each other properly while this little flame burns. In other words, neither of them will ever be able to commit to another relationship 100% if this is the case. Sure, they may be with someone else (and still interact like your post details) but they need 'done and dusted' closure to be successful with that someone else.
"she is still married but has been separated for over 9 years.'
What?? Is it a financial thing? Does she use this as a screen so she won't get involved with anyone else?
WHY would they not divorce?
Nine months? Not too late to get out of this. You are dating a married woman.
She is married to him so that is her primary relationship. I'm sorry, but you have no say in what they do. You need to face the fact that you are in a poly relationship, even if her primary is seldom active. If you can't accept that, walk. If you don't understand that, google "polyamory". If you accept that kind of relationship, start talking to her in those terms and exercise your right to add another partner if you like.