Am I wrong to be unhappy
My 2nd marriage, his 3rd. We are both introverts but i have an active social life and he does not, the only thing we do together is walk the dog. He has guardianship of his grandson who I have raised for the past 10 years. He is wealthier than me as he often reminds me how financially better off I am married to him. He is past retirement age but the $$ is his god and so we rarely have any social life together as he continues with various construction projects. I live on my nerves, often badly affected as he continually criticizes me. I am a good cook and housekeeper but he never passes comment. He is a good man with much to love but I feel demeaned,unhappy and very alone in this marriage. I also from my savings buy my clothes and personal needs myself and completely furnished our home which he owns. I would welcome feedback as I wonder if I have been a total mug, just used as a nanny/housekeeper
"He is a good man with much to love"
But you don't say much about that.
WHY do you stay? Money? sex? or kids? - or just afraid to take the leap?
How old are you?
Not enough data, YorkieGirl.
Can I just interject to point out that he can't possibly be 'wealthier than you' - and nor can it possibly be 'his house' - because, from what I gather, you and he MARRIED, meaning, wealth and assets made into the one pot (irrespective of original titles and signatures), meaning, 50% of the pot yours, regardless of whom originally put in what, meaning, he can either let you operate accordingly as his 100% marital equal or be forced to do it with Family Court backing - whichever choice being completely up to him if any attempts to re-educate and -negotiate haven't to-date or newly don't do the trick to change his silly (and frankly, non-marital seeming) attitude.
"he often reminds me how financially better off I am married to him"
Oh, does he indeed. Please give a typical example statement. Also, do you think he over-issues this reminder precisely because he's aware and guilty of not doing enough to keep you satisfied and feeling fairly-treated in most other, more orthodox areas of feelings-expressivity, hence needs to keep dangling the bank notes in front of your nose, instead, like a carrot, so as not to lose you, like he knows he could and quite possibly deserves? Or is this repeat statement more a retort to whatever you've tended to say (- which is what, usually)?
"I live on my nerves, often badly affected as he continually criticizes me."
Again, can you give typical examples, including frequency? And do these critiques (presumably not constructive?) tend to be apropos of something negative at the time, e.g. during or on the back of any bickers or his having had 'a bad day at the office', or are they issued seemingly randomly for no good reason you can work out, even when things seem okay between you?
Have you ever had equal means (or just means full-stop) for accessing any of the joint material wealth (joint accounts, joint credit cards/cheque book) or has His Lordship always kept complete control the purse-strings and doled out minimal amounts of cash only when His Eminence concurs with your need to purchase something? IOW, if you said, 'Can I have £120 to buy X, Y and Z, please?' - what would you get back: "Course, darling!" as he hands you £120 in readies or a long interrogation and/or lecture (including put-down(s)) and excuses about how 'stretched' the finances are due to said latest construction project (- is he a property developer)?
You may not have been a complete mug, as opposed to just been a bit 'low maintenance'...until now, when something or other has finally served to wake you up to the fact that you've somehow for too long allowed him to grow too used to believing he can both love and keep you controlled/incarcerated via the promise of his wallet (to protect his heart and/or ego from potentially any injury), thereby neglecting all of your other womanly needs. The trouble is, if you've allowed a habit to become hard-set over too many years, it then becomes too much to expect the person to reverse that habit without it feeling too much to take on their part. You tend to have to start pushing for what you want subtly bit-by-bit. But is he WORTH that sort of concerted campaign?
I reiterate Susie's question: define 'a good man with much to love'. Such as WHAT? Please list all his (in your personal opinion and then by general, universal consensus) admirable qualities and other good points as, feel you, compensate for his already apparent chauvinistic pomposity. There again, who CARES what about him is otherwise lovable? That's not your beef, is it, your feelings or strength of towards him. It's his for you and 'whether'. Correct? So let's list what he does do to express his love and regard. But that's *do*, not say. And I'm talking where any agenda of his own doesn't and can't feature, meaning, the benefit is purely for you and, later/ultimately, the relationship's sake.
Also, have you ever or lately tried to talk to him about how his general attitude and behaviour (me prince, you pauper) makes you feel in terms of slowly but surely kicking the love out of you to the (I suspect) point of having woken you up to what's what (or rather, what's not)? If so, how many times and how often/which marital year? How have you tended to put it and what has been his overriding response/sentiment?
I’m so sorry about your situation. Have you shared your concerns openly with your husband? I’ve come to realize that sitting down and talking about prevailing issues in the marriage can do away with a lot of hurts and misunderstanding between couples. Sending you hugs and prayers -- all the best!
Thank you for your responses much appreciated . I signed a pre-nup but while not wealthy Iam comfortable. We can go through days of silence with just good morning/ night interspersed with his monologues(I used to join in but discovered that was not wanted) He helps neighbours if asked but admits to not really enjoying company and has no close friends. I was flattered at first that he needed me until I slowly realised it was as housekeeper / nanny not as a partner in a marriage. It is very lonely and I feel I have been a fool
Wouldn't you rather put that negative conclusion to the test in order to find out one way or the other for a FACT in order to avoid ending up with any lasting regrets about not having tried to save what actually might, for all you knew, have been a perfectly redeemable marriage?
Forgive me for asking, but I just want to check something: Has another man been making advances at you in whatever way/shape/form recently?
No and I feel I have tried long and hard to save the relationship. Everything dies if neglected and loner workaholics have no room in their driven lives for others.
I can feel the weight of that 'no' from here, LOL.
Fairenoughski, though - was just testing. In actual fact, you had me at 'feel very alone in this marriage', and that you've always had to use your savings for clothes and (presumably?) toiletries, etc., and to furnish the nest. Those statements tell it all, really, let alone the fact he constantly subjects you to Harry Enfield 'Stanley' impressions ("Ah'm con-SID-erablaay richer than YAW!"
. But what I hadn't realised was that you'd already done enough trying to get him on board with improving the so-called marriage or that he'd made you sign a pre-nuptial agreement (*puke*).
That's not a marriage, is it.
So are you planning a trip to a solicitor's?
Feel free to keep coming here for any moral support.
And (forgot to say) - Word of warning: these miserly "what's yours is mine and what's *mine* is mine as well" types, the minute they get wind of the fact you've raised a divorce petition, tend to immediately busy themselves with trying to hide money and their trails, and/or liquidate assets and/or spend the cash (on later, fiscally redeemable items or, simply, wining and dining friends and other frivolous expenditure) so that come the time when all finances have to be disclosed to the court (Form E), there appears to be far less in the overall marital pot than in reality, meaning, instead of 50% of 100%, you get 50% of what actually is a, anything up to halved pot.
Keep your powder dry, therefore, in terms of what you intend until absolutely necessary so as to limit any period of forewarning, and advise your solicitor not to allow more than 6 months to lapse between the time of his receipt of your petition and the date of the first court financial hearing (usually happens within months, but, just in case), since back records are usually limited in the first instance to said period, extended by the judge only in the case of suspicious activity having been spotted therein by your barrister or specially-appointed forensic accountant (although, if you're lucky, some barristers can do both).
This guy's attitude is so mean and non-marital that it's more a question of, Why wouldn't he?, than, Why would he.
Again, we're here if you need us or want any preventative and damage-limiting tips.