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At a real low in life and struggling to pick myself up

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Hiya,

I think I'm just after a few kind words and support as it feels as though problems have been never ending recently, and I'm struggling to keep myself positive about life.


In the space of 4 months I have become unemployed, had to move out of my place back into my parents, sit up with the partner whom I have a young child with (due to the volatile nature of the relationship and the fact he allowed his family to interfere). This break up has shown me that although I thought I had lots of friends around me, I infact have very few worthwhile ones who are avtually there for me at all.

I called one friend out on not being there for me and she said she didnt see why she needed to be when it was mutual and I'm overreacting. I said to another to let me know of plans that were happening at the weekend and she said nobody was out, nothing to mention, for them both to be out together with others.. and no invite for me.

I'm greatful for my Son, and feel guilty of all the change hes also gone through, but also struggling with now spending all of my time with him, after struggling to find a new job.

Its just getting to a point where I feel like I've got so much to sort out in my life that I know feel overwhelmed, I'm sinking into a depression, losing motivation to make things better when it seems everytime I do something positive, another negative thing happens.

At a real low in life and struggling to pick myself up

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Whatever degree of traumatic life change always does prove a catalyst for getting to discern the wheat from the chaff. Additionally, if the relationship was volatile and you tended to reach out to these people practically every time, non-genuine friends tend to grow bored and/or helpless feeling about having to listen and be there (when they don't have a clue how or what to advise) and/or simply don't have what it takes to be anyone's rock (you were probably theirs, with them not used to thus not liking having to switch roles).

The one who said she didn't see why she needed to be, obviously has the imagination of a box of hammers if she thinks that a major-relationship break-up, especially with one's only child's co-parent - doesn't hurt just because it was by mutual agreement (to finally accept defeat). I don't believe she's that dense, I think it was just a pathetic attempt to justify her failure to be your rock per se or for as long as needed as well as hers and the other woman's failure to have invited you along for the evening jolly in case you cramped their style by 'being a downer' (selfish tw*ts). This is why there's such an increasingly huge demand for forums, PTEC, think about it.

But here's how relationship beginnings work: picture an invisible/subconsciously-only detectable light on your head that shows either Green for Position Vacant/Now Interviewing or Red for No Vacancies. Practically your whole 'office' has been cleared and replaced with new and different stuff, only, the whole clearing-to-refurbishing & replacing process hasn't finished yet, meaning, you're in transition, neither really Here nor There (in Limbo). You can't attract job candidates while the final 'office' still has the decorators in. They wouldn't have a chair to sit in nor a desk to 'work' at. So your light is somewhere between Red and Green, still (muddy Brown), saying 'Not yet!', not the correct colour to signify a need for advances.

So you're going to have to wait a bit until your NEW routine takes to the point of starts running smoothly like clockwork, whereupon - "Ding!" - pure, bright Green. The new routine, meanwhile, will undoubtedly teach you new mental skills or improvements to skills deficits (as would have contributed to the lack of the relationship's success), like patience, learning to like your own company (enabling the choosing of friends based purely on WANT and moral fibre rather than unrelated needs), leaning to look into and get involved in things more deeply (e.g. your ever-changing son) whereat you'll suddenly note all the previously missed, actually surprisingly fascinating DETAIL. (Ever thought about reading a few books on child developmental psychology so that you can better translate and understand everything he does and says at this juncture?) Maybe this event has been 'sent' to force you to bond that much more heavily with son, considering how, if you'd had a high-maintenance relationship you'd have been moreover too distracted and energy-low to get properly embroiled in being his mum and, at the mo, sole playmate? Certainly, if son's been helplessly exposed to a lot of 2nd-hand stress (the rows and soaking up your upset vibes) then that would be the medicinal ticket for him vis-a-vis getting him through and over it in record time?

The thing to do is to write a To Do list in order of priority, one item per A4 sheet of paper, with each main demand for action-taking broken right down into minute baby steps. That way it won't all feel overwhelming, plus you'll be able to chart your progress and realise what headway you *are* in fact making as you tick each mini-item off. After all, if one has a mountain to climb, one doesn't tend to expect to cover the distance in one, giant bound, like Superman, do they. With that misconception the case, climbers would likewise feel too daunted and forget the whole thing and there'd be no flags atop any summits.

If after doing that, you feel you still need an artificial but temporary, mild yet effective springboard, then a trip to your GP is in order. Citalopram, for example (for restoring normal seratonin balance...these events capable of *literally* 'taking it out of you'), can be taken in low 10mg daily doses, just enough to give you that extra little "va-va-voom" without risk of your becoming dependent on it mentally or physiologically. Alternatively, I'm a huge advocate of the award-winning, depression-(et al)-treating Omega 3 EPA/DPA Fish Oil capsules (any brand that lack trace metals) - 1000mg/day - which a lot of GPs are starting to cotton on and give the huge thumbs-up to, but which are freely available from websites like Healthspan (assuming you're UK-based?) or health food stores.

How old's your son?

What exactly ARE these 'negative counterparts' to anything positive you do? Could they be hints that you're refusing to 'read', as in, 'Stop trying to go there, take a different turning'?

At a real low in life and struggling to pick myself up

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I was in this place exactly 1 yr ago. I live in the Bay Area and housing is so expensive here I was convinced i could never realy "catch up" and have a permanent house here i wanted. It didn't help that I had been contracting for 4-5 years with companies seemingly not wanting to hire FTE anymore with benefits - just contract up the ying-yang. So I decided to sell my "investment house" as well to limit my obligations and become as fleixble and mobile as possible to i could search fro a job ANYWHERE and move.

But in essence, i had no idea of where i'd live, no reliable housing, no job or idea of where a long-term job would be (and of course no relationship or too close of a relatoinship besides friends b/c - well, what's the point if i might be moving away?) It WAS very stressful. That covered 3 out of the "most stressful 5 things" any person coudl experience all at once (the other being a birth or death).

SO.. I feel like i'm a good person to lend some supporting and helpful thoughts :)

It really is a half-full/half-empty test wihin yourself as to what you do at this point. While many see that as, "omg.. what are you going to do? so many open ends and unknowns.. HOW STRESSFUL!" And you can worry and be concerned and let it overwhelm you. The OTHER side of it which you can choose to see is: you are COMPLETELY FREE! You have a clean slate and can now make it WHATEVER YOU WANT it to be. This is the tact I took. It's strange.. but even when my contract job ended earlier than thought, and I had every reason to be concerned and get stressed- i just leased a new apt after selling my house- that wasn't an apt i really wanted but is what i could afford.. and now i had zero income coming in with no job after signing the lease.... WHAT CAN BE MORE STRESSFUL THAN THAT?

But a strange thing happened. LUckily it was the Holidays. I realized what good friends I had with some people (others not so much). And I had family. It was the best Holiday I had in memory - and it put me in a very GOOD and HAPPY place! I dont' knwo why. I don't know how. But i was just ... HAPPY. not worried. Appreciating all the blessings in my life. I saw the glass HALF FULL! I started researching all the different places that sounded like FUN to live in and researched each to see if it would or would not work. I had a GREAT TIME job searchign to see what was possible and out at each location! I even apt/house searched via classifieds to see what i could or couldn't get if i happen to find a job somewhere else... And with each I focused on all the positive things that would make me happy about each situation (Vegas.. for obvious reasons.. especially as an entertainment production professional, Orlando/Tampa FL, LA (to be near my niece and nephews), or VT to hep Bernie and his campaign that was just kicking off - which is only 1 hr away from Montreal which i've always wanted to see!)

Now I can't promise what happens from that - but it's amazing how quickly everything fell into place SO QUICKLY immediately after that. Within 2 months i got a terrific job at a place i absolutely love. 6 mos after that I got hired FTE and have way more benefits then i've ever had - especially for additional bonuses and life/health/work balance programs that have ntohign to do with work.. - and that allowed me to end up putting a deposit on a brand new home to be built for next summer that i never thought i'd be able to get here. (all-solar, brand new 3br with big garage, easy commute on the train...which i get paid to take instaed of driving in). Hell.. I even met a gal I adore like crazy who is beautiful and it's gone so well..

so the takeaway here is: you have the power to choose how you handle/appraoch this. Half-Empty vs Half-Full. Trust that things work out (but put the work in and keep a positive mindset that they will work out if you just keep looking for it and keep an open mind as to what it may be so you recognize it when it crosses your path). Dont' get frustrated if it doesn't come right away - just keep plugging along. It WILL come and you never know when. For me it took 2 months. But even if it took 4 - I'd still be unbelievabely happy b/c I was even before it came. (but i'm convinced it came b/c i found my happiness and approached the situation from a positive/happy mindset).

Good luck!

At a real low in life and struggling to pick myself up

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(Nice post! :-))

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