My husband and I are working on some issues. I recently found out that he hired an escort 3 times -- something that he has never done before and is totally out of character. He had been faithful throughout our 20-year relationship (we have been married for 10 years), which included intermittent long-distance relationships of as long as 3 years. Through our conversations, I realized that he did not have penetrative sex with the escort as he felt guilty (only oral sex), and that he hired an escort to get back at me for treating him badly over the years.
To give you some background, I have been emotionally abusive to my husband for years, putting him down and I have been having an affair for the past 10 yrs with my husband's knowledge (he knows I am not a one-man woman and rationalizes what I do with the great sex we have after my trysts). Cheating on my husband is my way of dealing with my deep-seated trauma and pain as a result of my dad's affair, which I found out when I was a teen. Since then, I have nursed a hatred of men and see them as lustful, and the only way to protect myself is to cheat first, so that if my spouse cheats on me one day, I already have "a leg up". It's warped I know, but that's how I protect myself from the deep-seated fear of infidelity and how I deal with the pain all these years. I guess I never learned to forgive my dad and move on.
As a result, I have difficulty showing affection for my husband, and the past few years, things came to a head. Having kids also meant that I hardly had sex with my husband, which pushed him over the edge. I guess I never realized how angry and resentful he had become of me until I found out about the escort, which was an act of vengeance on his part and seeking solace outside the marriage.
We are already seeing a psychologist, but I still have difficulty letting go of my husband`s betrayal. That said, his refrain from engaging in penetrative sex with the escort because of guilt shows that he still cares about my feelings amidst the resentment, and that I have transgressed more than he did with my 10-year-old affair. I would like to hear third-party views on our situation. Should I forgive what my husband did? In what ways have I contributed to my husband`s actions? (I still question if his action is driven primarily by lust). How should we both heal and move on? How can I let go and let happiness re-enter our life?
hello jaey, is your husband passive aggressive? i am and i am in a similar rut. i also went to see escorts because i felt my wife was emotionally abusive and i would see an escort because i would feel like shit. but then i am also too sensitive, and suffer from social anxiety. i ended up telling my wife, but i said i only received oral sex. i am receiving therapy and antidepressants and things are starting to change for me. i am no longer resentful. before i would allow things to pile up. my wife also suffered because of this my behavior.
It is surprising that you talk about infidelity from your husbands side, when you are allowed to do all that you wish. You expect him to be your slave ? Well, lets just start from the scratch here. Firstly it is very conveniently put by you that "Incase if he cheats on me, i still want to win" Marriages are much much purer than you think. Am not sure if you have met good people in your life. But the world out there is much more saner than you think so. People out there lead a very meaningful life. They do not require pre-nups or insurance policies to stick them together.
Everything is fair in war. So when you chose to take a path that was sinful, you lost the ability to expect sanity from this marriage. Just because you are open that you are having an affair doesn't change anything at all. I can't imagine the trauma your husband has gone through. And for what ? What is he really gaining out of this rut that he is going through ? You are abusive to him. You openly humiliate him by having another affair and then you expect him to be sitting like a lame duck ? That sounds absurd to me.
Ofcourse not, he is not going to come and ask for your permission to go and see an escort. Unless you expect him to humiliate himself more, then yes that makes absolute sense. And what transparency are you expecting out of him ? You are being abusive towards him, humiliating him by having an affair and then you expect him to be sitting like a lame duck in the corner of the house ? LOL.. you really must be on another level of lameness.
I don't intend this conversation to insult you or offend you. I appreciate that you've chosen to see a psychologist. But your mistakes can not be forgiven. Just because your father sinned, doesn't mean that you need to choose a life of insecurities. There are times in life that you need to do good things to make up for all the bad that you have done in the past. Now is the time for you to change that. I bow down to your husband to actually be so kind to even be with you after all of these things. He must really love you.
Life is full of choices. If you really are wanting to re-gain his love, you need to be willing to ask for his forgiveness first. He needs to feel secured of being with you. You can not expect him to come and make love to you after you've made him go through hell. And if you are still in an affair with someone else, thats a no brainer. Am sure you can put 2 + 2 together on that one.
Leading a happy life is very much possible my dear. You need to choose the right path for that. Be around good people. You don't need to have an extra marital affair just for having an insurance policy if things fail. You should be focusing on building up a strong bond with him where he doesn't need to go out and stray. And even if he strays, this doesn't mean that it is the end of the world. Marriage & relationships aren't the only thing in life my dear. There are other goals too. If you sit with insecurities in your mind for every possible thing, then how will you ever achieve anything in life ?
The first step to achieving a harmonious life is for you to leave all your sins. To not have contact with anyone who is making you into a bad person. You have kids. What kind of an example are you setting for them ? Do you want them to grow up and also have insecurities like you ? Am sure not. You would want them to live a very happy and normal life too. Fall in love and have happy marriages.
I don't wish to sound like an voodoo master but you should consider on bringing more positive thoughts in your mind. Life out there is beautiful. You need to choose the right path towards it. Am glad that you have taken these steps towards making mends. IT will take time for it to change. Have patience. I hope you make the changes well in time, before it is too late and the damage is unexpected. You will regret it later on incase you choose to be the same person you are.
I would like to apologize to you incase i have said something that has offended you in anyway. I understand that you have chosen to make changes in your life and hence have chosen to talk about it publicly. My advice to you was with good intentions. It is upto you if you wish to take the good out of it.
"I still question if his action is driven primarily by lust"
Yeah, so do I. And a lot more besides (including, ditto re. you and from your end).
But if you don't mind my asking, if you're already seeing someone (actual psychotherapist or just common-or-garden counsellor?) (singly or as a couple?) then why the need to come to this forum for answers? And is it the only forum you're consulting?
Did your counsellor agree with that over-simplistic 'revenge' and 'solace' explanation of his, as well as your own 're-enactment' one? Is that why you're dissatisfied, because to your mind it just doesn't quite seem to do it?