Is it all my fault?
A while back (August) my now ex partner and I got in a nasty fight that turned physical whilst on a snow trip with my family (being paid for by my parents).. She was complaining of a sore ankle after a day on the slopes and worked herself into such a state about it that she refused to come from our room to dinner with the rest of my family. instead had to serve her dinner in bed. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't unsympathetic about her injury and myself and the rest of my family had happily tended to her all evening. Before dinner shed said she'd like to have a nap while the rest of us had a drink. She subsequently slept through the time dinner was being served so I rushed down to our room to get her. She was clearly in some pain so I got her painkillers and waited with her trying to comfort he her anyway i could could until then aim eased. I then tried to help her get dreSsed and get upsatirs for dinner. I began to get frustrated because despite my efforts I felt she gave little back and she wasn't very adult in dealings woththe situation but rather her behaviour resembled something more like a tantrum and she was so hysterical I had to give up and put her back to bed. I knew she struggled with anxiety generally and I tried to be accomodating of that, but I felt shed allowed some silly anxietys manifest to the point that she was just being rude And I could tell my family were starting to take offence. annoyed at her behaviour I tried to leave and go and join the rest of the group to finish my own dinner but was met with insults and made to feel guilty for leaving so I stayed with her. However, the fight just got worse and turned nasty as we both devolved to insults and as tempers flared I got in her face to challenge her to repeat one of her more nasty insults. Somewhere in this exchange she punched me in the face and I reacted by grabbing her sore ankle. She was reduced to some form of panic attack so I got her some ice and water and sat at the other end of the room. From there things cooled down and eventually we went to bed together talked things out and all seemed forgiven .
Nothing more was ever said about the fight and our relationship continued as normal after that.
Around 6 weeks later, right before my birthday, during an innocuous petty argument over the phone she suddenly said she no longer wanted to continue the relationship. We spent the next few days together talking things out and essentially her reasoning boiled down to that one nasty fight as the sole reason she wanted to end things. She claimed to be struggling to deal with it as it weighed on her mind during other arguments etc and she claimed it had affected her significantly, resulting in nightmares and flashbacks. She even went as far as to say that she wouldn't change anything about us other than that one fight and the whole ordeal was very back and forth as to whether she wanted to stay or leave. She seemed genuinely confused and distraught about the prospect of us ending.
We left things on the premise of us taking some time a part to work things out. However I felt her became colder and distant over the next few weeks and communication came to an almost complete stop.
It was after this that I discovered that she was back with her ex, she had gotten back with him almost immediately and was in the process of moving in with him (less than a month after our "break up")and as it turns out, had been talking to him and seeing him behind my back for a short time after our fight. Her attitude towards me was suddenly one of anger and hatred with claims that I was an abuser and she was afraid of me and false accusations being levelled against me. She had told other people that I pinned her by the throat, but admits to me she knows it's not true. Despite that, she refuses to admit to others that it's not true. She also seems to completely discount her hitting me as a relevant factor and has taken little responsibility for it.
Despite all of this, she maintains that she contacted her ex desperately seeking help after the fight and he was there to support her and somewhere in the proc
ess she fell back in love with him as a by product, but that she had no desire or reason to contact him other than that fight and she never would have contacted him or thought of leaving me if I hadn't been aggressive toward during the fight. She claims our break up had nothing to do with him but was purely over our fight.
And this is where Im stuck. I feel extremely guilty for my actions that night and now I am having a very hard time letting go and moving forward because I feel responsible for everything that has happened and am stuck in a cycle of blaming myself for the breakup. I feel as though my actions during the fight led to or even caused her subsequent actions and it may not have happened had I just kept my cool. I even wonder whether my actions were so bad that what she's done is an equal and just response and possibly what I deserve. I'm stuck wondering if she really never would have reached out to her ex and her and I would still be together if I hadn't reacted the way I did during that fight.
Those close to me seem to thinkthat she's the bad guy and that what she's done was inevitable regardless of anything I did but I can't seem to see it.
What do you guys think? Am I to blame for bringing this on myself? Is she just using this incident as an excuse? Or would she really not have contacted her ex if it hadn't happened?
As a side note, I've never been physical or aggressive during any other fight. She however has lashed out at me physically a few times. She apologised at the time and didn't want me to leave her because of it but now she uses those instances as evidence of why she was right to leave me, claiming i made her act that way because I brought it out of her.
Also, the ex now bf again is not a guy from the past with whom she was friendly. They ended on extremely bad terms and she was with me within a week or two of breaking up with him because she claimed to have realised she didn't love him but had been harbouring deeper feelings for me from a previous encounter. A lot of our time was spent with her talking about how much she hated him and was glad to be rid of him and how much more she loved me. Now im the guy she hates and is glad to be rid of and apparently she's always just loved him more, go figure.
Quite a tale I know, but....help?
Be thankful she's out of your life and move on from her. You're not responsible for her actions or her excuses for being immature, controlling and selfish. She has only herself to blame whereas you need to clear your conscience about it all. Take notice of those close to you who regard her as the bad guy, because going by your post, they are correct in every way.
Regardless of the reasons why your relationship has ended, you need to ask yourself why you need a woman in your life who becomes violent towards you to get her point across and then blatantly lies about it to others. Take two steps away from the drama and realize that you need to share your life with a partner who shares your values and who respects you as a person first and foremost, for you to have any success with them in a relationship.
To be honest I've never really thought I "need" a woman in my life generally. Im not someone who needs a relationship or love to validate me.
I suppose I only saw her acts of aggression as isolated incidents and never put together a patter. Plus before she hit me, the acts were more indirect, more silly and reckless rather than outright violent. She wasn't necessarily targeting me, but she also didn't really consider the idea that I was in harms way or might be hurt eg. Slamming a door in anger without noticing my hand was there. But i knew she had some issues that believed we were working on so I was always willing to forgive and overlook aspects of her behaviour.
What type of woman denies her partner having dinner with his family, who bankrolled the event in the first place, when he and his family has comforted her after she injured herself during the day? This very action is a 'heads up' as to who she really is and coupled with her assault on you tells us that she expected you to take that punch in the face all because you were with her. She expected you to accept it because you insulted her. There's no way that your actions (rather the situation did because she lost control after trying to control it) caused her to be violent towards you. She was violent because that's who she is and it's her issue and hers alone to sort. It's not about her issues that you both were working on when you were together... it's about HER sorting HER issues.
Her further actions of going behind your back with her ex is another 'heads up' as to who she is. It doesn't matter that she suffers from anxiety and anger issues, what does matter is that she has no respect for you and basically never did if a lot of your time spent together was her talking to you about her and her hatred for her 'ex'. It tells you, again, that is who she really is and if you don't need the grief of being with a woman like that, then you know what to do to protect yourself both physically and emotionally. Why blame yourself when your second post states that you don't need a woman in your life to validate yourself?
Basically all that you have achieved is to be a listening post for her to use and for her to assault when you dare react to her immature and selfish actions and now she has returned to her 'hated' ex for support and left you labelled as guilt ridden abuser and wondering where you went wrong. Step back and have a good look at the whole situation because when you do, you'll realize that she could not have ever loved or respected you.
Again, listen to those closest to you, they'll give you the best advice you could ever get is this situation because they have you at heart. Your biggest challenge is to listen to them.
The thing about guilt is to understand for your self about the things that are not in your control. It is very natural for a women to seek help the moment she faces violence. They are very sensitive about it. In your case, unfortunately she chose to talk to her ex-bf. In a normal circumstance she would have confided into a dear friend and sorted out things with you. But the old love took over !
There are things that you should learn out of this. Handling anger, anxiety etc. Besides that i would suggest you to really beat yourself over it. It is very natural for couple to have their own set of miss-understandings. And make note, these fights are never ending. Yes, it was extremely wrong for you to raise your hand on her.
I would suggest you to take some time off. Think about all things that you need to work up on. Maybe a month later drop her a text. Ask her out for a cup of coffee as friends. Tell her that you would love to meet her up as a friend and talk things out. There are no set rules or methods when it comes to relationships. Women do tend to have a variable mind and hence tend to take such rash decisions. In your case, you will need to put in an extra effort to mend things between you'll. There is a possibility to get back with each other, if only you put in an extra effort in changing your methods or dealing with people.
If this query of yours is to talk about your guilt. Well, then just be honest about your mistakes and start a fresh life.
Harry888 I toyally accepted my wrong doing in the situation immediately. I am never violent, I always walk away from bad fights and avoid conflict. I acted badly that night but like I said it was a reaction to her punching me. I have never ever been violent towards her at any other time....but she had been violent towards me a few times ( I never reacted).... and she's not at all sorry for it.
I have no intention of begging for her back or trying to be friends...I did wrong that night bit so did she...she said she forgave me...but since then she has lied and she has cheated and she has treated me horribly despite the fact that I did try my best to make up for my silly actions.
She has many many problems and while Im extremekey upset with myself for putting my hands on her in anger that one time, I also don't deserve to be hit and ultimately her behaviour is I think very abusive and very pathological and sick.
Often as men I feel like we should always try to be the bigger person and look after our women... But I don't think it means we should accept being assaulted by them and treated badly.
Yes. What you say makes total sense. There is no question about you begging her to come back. She is the one who has cheated on you and not vice versa. I agree to your decision to move on in life. She has lied and cheated to you on your face and that is unforgivable.
Hey Tek, well first I'd like to say thanks for your response to my thread. It made some valid points. I wanted to return the good feedback here on your thread.
...And, this is quite the issue you've had to deal with. Right off the bat, my first reaction is to say, "RUN! It's DRAMA!!!"
If we are taking everything you wrote down as unbiased fact, then I really feel like you went above and beyond attempting to be cool-headed and restrained while dealing with this woman's behavior.
You grabbed her sore ankle - big whoop. It was only in response to being punched by her, and even after that you went back to being calm and even got her some ice and water and were there for her. Her response was to throw a fit, cheat on you and go out on you with an ex, and make up horrendous lies about your treatment of her which, as I said, seems to be pretty dang good.
This story hits home a little more for me because of the common thread in both of our problems: A girlfriend with anxiety issues and panic attacks.
I have to also wonder whether your girlfriend said she suffered from bi-polar disorder. If that were the case, I might have to start worrying if we're dealing with the same chick, and I should run for the hills lol. But anyway, the thing is that I worry if I could run into similar problems with my current girlfriend. I don't think she has had any major instances of acting-out around me yet, but then again she has shown me holes that she has punched in walls. Maybe I should take your story into consideration with your advice, and take it as a forewarning of the type of person I could be dealing with that I might be unable to have anything completely rational with?
One final thing I should add is that you say, as men we should try to be the bigger person and look after our women. Well, this person you're talking about isn't "your woman", not anymore. Therefore, I don't think you should have to look after this girl anymore. She moved on, you moved on, you don't have to stand up for her when she was in the wrong.
I wonder why you doubt yourself instead of being very much relieved that you dodged a bullet.
All the "bad behavior" seems to be on her part - or that's what you have written. Yet, SHE dropped YOU. H-m-m-m.
In any case, it's over and you can now go on, wiser now in your choice of women.
Susiedqq I see the point you are making. I guess I'd respond by saying that I think my emotional investment in the situation probably has limited my ability to view the events with complete objectivity. To be honest at first both her and I really only focused on me grabbing her as the bad thing that happened, I really didn't even take into account the fact that she hit me. I think she believes that women hating me isn't as big a deal as men being aggressive to women and that it doesn't count as abusive if a woman does it. I think I also suffered under the same misapprehension and I really only focused on my actions and how bad it was I'd touched her and really didn't even think about anything else. It wasn't until more recently that I began to consider that her hitting me was equally as and if not worse and was just as violent and abusive . I guess I didn't feel like I was dodging a bullet because I didn't want the breakup. I forgave her for her behaviour and assumed she'd done the same and like I said it was nearly 2 months after it even happened that she brought it up. By that time I'd well and truly moved on from the incident and wasn't even really thinking about any of it anymore. I had no idea it was still an issue. To be honest the time frame between when it happened and when she brought it up as being a problem has been pretty confusing to me.