Am I doing right thing???
HINGMANG - Dec 12 2016 at 21:09
It's been 11 years we have been married and we are in long distance relationship due our profession. We have two kids from our marriage who stay with me. Our marriage was good till recently....when my husband started having chat with me and we started having sex on chat I mean virtually. Initially I did because I thought it's different and what's wrong in trying out new things. But eventually I realized I don't like it ,I was doing it just for my husband. Than I told him my dislike for such a thing, but my husband was not ready to give up. He says he is alone and he likes it when I join him for such a virtual sex. Few times just for his sake I continued. But than I used to feel very bad and somehow not at all good but rather annoying.slowly than I started making excuses for not chatting. And many times I told him bluntly that I don't like it so let's not do it. But than my husband started getting emotional and hurt ,telling me that I don't understand him and his needs.
Recently when he again started white we were chatting I refused to participate and logged off from the net. And as usual he said I don't understand him and may be he will remain alone in this life...and he feels very lonely and misses his kids. Though we meet frequently like 5-6 times a year for 7 days to a month break. And we are together the sex life is awesome...but now this thing has made me think that am I doing the right thing??? By saying No....
Women generally are more subject to societial control and have guilt feelings because they are doing something that others, including family, would condem. You didn't say exactly what you and your husband have done virtually that bothers you but you need to decide exactly what the problem is. If you did the same thing when together, would you feel guilty? If you are allowing other people into your sex life by allowing them to inject guilt you should consider the possibility that there are too many people involved. Get everyone else out of your sex life, think about possibly enjoying what you can with your husband, and just let go. Don't think about doing it for him. Do it for yourself and enjoy it. Do it for your marriage with joy in your heart. That is what love is.
I'm also in a long distance relationship and so, I can relate to your husband. I agree that sex is way much better when you are with each other, but at the moment, that is not possible, so you should think about other ways to keep your sex life alive. The worst thing to do is to ignore it all together. Talk to each other about what you think is a good virtual sex and what you think is too much.
Need crux data, HINGMAN.
Not that I'm inferring you SHOULD enjoy it (nope - one woman's meat is another's poison), but I note you failed to mention or even hint anywhere what exactly it is about 'sexting' that you find so unpalatable and such a (clearly emotional) turn-off? Did you, for example, feel that you and he were somehow indirectly welcoming/instigating a DEMOTION of relationship status by going through the motions of what, say - possibly to your mind - nigh-on complete, often (but not always) debauched strangers, i.e. "doity one-night-stand-ers, stayers and tempters" tend to do?
If not, then - what? We're all big girls and boys round here, you can tell us. Plus you're completely and utterly anonymous as well as not the first with this problem by a long shot.
Me, I see his insensitive insistence on flicking what so patently is a newly-identified, raw nerve of yours, and his seemingly blinkered dual standards (ref you not understanding HIS needs when at the same time he's guilty of the exact same thing) - and now even implying direct albeit mild threats - as a (not-so-)subtle cry for help in terms of flagging a problem and wanting to shove your face closer to it so that you'll finally take how he's feeling seriously, rather than his just more honestly spelling it out (or maybe he's not emotionally articulate?). Clearly you're already perfectly aware that he's self-servicing while you and he do this.
All the above is on the one hand good news (he's actively demonstrating his fidelity), but - here's the bad news: it's a 'cowardly' hint on his part that, with his obviously needing such 'assistance' (for putting paid to his only-to-be-expected mental frustration and physical discomfort), yet your meanwhile refusing to be The Partner-Helper, then MAYBEEEEEE... (job-share vacancy?). This explains why the uppage of ante in the form of "maybe remain alone". Note 'ALONE'. Note 'REMAIN'. But also note 'maybe'.
"Maybe the cute puppy will get it!....all depends on YOU, luv!"
He's lonely (are we surprised?) and, *at this point*, merely bluffing....trying to put the frighteners on you (desperate is as desperate does). He wants relationship promotion in line with the (sorry but it's true) over-grandiose, falsely reflective status labels. And he earns more than you - correct?
He can't hack this set-up any more.
...I mean: "Though we meet frequently like 5-6 times a year for 7 days to a month break." UGH, STIFLING, GIVE THEM SOME AIR FOR GOD'S SAKE! ;-)
Seriously, though - can *you*??? Do you not appreciate how downright WEIRD it is at this late point of play and marital products/achievements (incl having had kids) to still be doing long-distance like mere boyfriend and girlfriend? Are you surprised to learn I was sat here as I read of your inappropriate set-up, only one paragraph in, going, "WTF?!"?
However, since your set-up has prevented the level of closeness and openness that one would ordinarily expect between husband and wife after 11 - EEE-LE-VEN!!! - long years and having produced kids together, it's then altogether understandable that either one of you (cough!MAINLYHIM!) would act-out instead of just saying whatever it is needs to be said, straight. Or HAS he already tried spelling it out but you overruled and vetoed him?? (I note the logging out, i.e. the cutting-and-running you did there.) Is he diving straight for emotional coercion tactics or are they a now-desperate, last-ditch resort? RSvP again.
So I agree you should have a proper, lengthy, sit-down discussion about it (in-person or over the phone) until you can find a compromise or whatever alternative (e.g. phonesex?).
Me, I note how you were perfectly okay with the sexting until he ratcheted it up too far. And I also suspect he ratcheted it up deliberately, KNOWING (because he knows you and your history) that you'd find it repugnant (aim, fire, bullseye!). In other words, sexting is NOT the end but just a means to an end. A ruse of a one at that.
Be forewarned, therefore: As said, methinks he's done as much long-distance-ing as he can possibly stomach by now, at this ridiculously protracted point....which is basically what he's too tentatively, timidly, thus manipulatively, trying to signal and contrive into place. I think he wants you to feel you (and the kids) should follow him out there before it's too late....cease playing commitmentphobically at marriage - as if there's such a workable thing as part-time marriage (writing on wall confirms NOT) - and just get stuck into the real thing. Furthermore, whether consciously or not at this point, he might have got it into his head to prepare the ground, future justifications-wise, for sexting with someone(s) else as could lead......
Having pushed and nagged beforehand, AND coloured your refusal as a huge crime (hardly!) by you against him, he could then - if caught - turn around and claim, 'Well, if *you* hadn't refused to be my virtual partner then I wouldn't have HAD to have blah-blah-BLAH...' (- even boring myself now :-p....you know the crap cheaters come out with, I'm (COUGH!) sure. But, going by the amount of time he expended in nagging you over it before issuing that threat, it's definitely YOU he wants and...only if he doesn't finally (FINALLY!) get it/you would he then, simply out of sheer desperation and loneliness and positively screaming needs, think about seeking it elsewhere.
Or not. It might all be pure bluff no matter how frustrated and over-hard-done-by he gets to feeling. Or not. DUNNO! You never know what that sort of unrelenting stress could push an otherwise upstanding individual to doing, do (COUGH!) you.
I'll stop farting around, shall I? Your, I suspect, 'brilliant solution', modom, has gone full-circle to where it now has entered Problem All Of Its Own territory. It's called negative self-fulfilling prophesy. And yours includes a hoop too far, as in, 'Let's see how long *you* can go without committing adultery on me!....bucko!'. ....But then you got used to the perks (e.g. house mainly all to yourself), little knowing what other, bigger and better perks were there for the taking as would have been putting your perks right into the shade.
Evidently, 11 - ELEVEN!!!!! - long years is 'how long'. WOW, WHAT A PRINCE, WHAT AN IRON MAN! Are you going to give the poor s*d a break yet and climb all the way in, finally? Or are you going to wait until your "safer" half-relationship does what halves do and finishes halfw- NOT EVEN halfway through?
*Enough!* already. Whether it was your brilliant avoidance plan, like I suspect, or his and he now doesn't know how to resituate the goalposts to where they always should have been - it's run its course and your marriage is about to lay down on its deathbed.
(Do feel free to correct me if/wherever I'm wrong, won't you.)
Hingmang, I doubt you'll be back now but I'll post anyway. We don't really understand so we are guessing. We don't know why you have objections to your husband's request. He must not know ether based on his responses described by you. Maybe, one or both of you are looking for excuses to let your relationship faulter. Maybe there is misunderstanding. Regardless, if he is as lost as we are, your relationship is in trouble.