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Should I blame myself for ruining everything by worrying?

Posted by
SATURDAYTHE12TH
on Dec 13 2016 at 15:33
Member since: 11 November 2016
Long Distance Relationship advice I had a thread last month about thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/9461/I-Think-My-Online-Boyfriend-Is-Cheating-On-Me

About two weeks after I posted that, he left me. His reasons were that we didn't know how we would feel about each other without meeting in person, and that unless we met, we couldn't move forward. He said he didn't think the long distance relationship would work. Whilst I understand that, this was the first time he had mentioned anything like that, and we had been together for over eight months. He left me without giving me a chance to discuss it. I told him that I wanted to meet him so much that it made me cry (which was and is still true), but he completely ignored all of my messages for two days, then sent "Please leave me alone I don't love you anymore. Have a good life".

He blocked me on one of the apps we used to use (Google Hangouts, which he told me he didn't want to use anymore because "Google is tracking us" and he wanted to protect me from being tracked by Google). I noticed two weeks after we moved to a different app that he had still been using it, and after he left me, I saw that he had two new girls on there. One looked like a model.

He was ignoring me completely, like I no longer existed. I didn't know what had happened or why he had stopped talking to me - everything had seemed okay until then. My only way to contact him was by joining a forum he had a link to in his signature on the forum we met on. I sent him a message, which he didn't reply to for a while. When he replied, it was "I want all communications between you and me to be STOPPED and I'm no longer interested". Confused, I replied to his post about dating sites being pointless (he had been trolling people on there for a while). I let him know how I felt and that I felt disappointed that he was doing everything he told me he would never do. He deleted my post and posted a rant about me, saying I kept accusing him of cheating even when he told me he wasn't. That he felt creeped out by me, like I didn't want him to enjoy his own space. That I was stalking him on the texting apps and forums and I took away his oxygen and kept making excuses about meeting him (he never really talked about how it would happen, either - he knew I really wanted it). He even said he could tell I was using him somehow, and that the relationship was very pointless, so he completely cut all communication with me.

I read all of his posts, and I found one from April (we had been together for a bit over a month at the time). Someone asked him if he had talked to the woman who flirted with him by sucking a carrot, and he said "No, unfortunately. It probably would have ended well if I did ;)". This made me think he would have let her do something to him if she had offered, and he wouldn't have even thought about me.

I always apologised a lot when I asked if there was someone else he was talking to, even telling him I was crying because I felt so bad about asking (I really was). He told me it was "fine" and that he understood and was glad I was honest with him. I never had any idea at all that I made him feel like he said I did. When I read his post, I kept blaming myself because I feel like I should have known without him having to tell me. I wished I had known so I could have stopped making him feel like that. I feel like I have done the wrong thing by him by worrying too much, but he kept lying to me and telling me things like "the app is lying, just ignore it. You're the only one I'm talking to on here".

I sent him another message to tell him how I felt, asking for forgiveness for my misunderstanding and I told him that if he gave me another chance, I would treat him much better. He didn't reply. I posted a similar thing, which he deleted.

He never showed me any proof that he wasn't cheating or stopped the behaviour that made me suspect in the first place. The last app we had been using said "just now" for if he was active on there less than one minute ago. Almost every single time I went on there to message him, it said he was active "just now", even if I had been sleeping. He would be online just now when I went on there to send him a message, and he would tell me he had been touching himself and that it was very good. That made me think he was touching himself to another woman's photos (he wasn't asking me for photos very often anymore, and when I sent them, he only said that they were "nice", rarely telling me he was touching himself to them). I felt like I had been replaced. (This is what happened the day he left me. He said he wasn't talking to anyone, and then he suddenly had a headache and had to go to sleep. When he woke up, he sent the break up text).

Whilst I feel much more relaxed without having to worry about him, and also feel like I have some of my positivity back, I miss him and I wish I could make everything okay between us again. I'm very sad that after everything, it ended the way it did, and to know it was my fault makes it even worse.

I find it very hard to see myself with anyone else because I don't see why anyone would accept me or love me. I feel like he was the only one who would want me, and I have lost him by being stupid and now I will never have anyone else.

Was I right to suspect that he was cheating on me, or was I being stupid? Sorry for such a long post.

Should I blame myself for ruining everything by worrying?

Reply from
MANALONE
on Dec 14 2016 at 00:45
Member since: 29 December 2013
Whatever his excuses you need to move on from him. You are not responsible for his actions or his reasoning. No, you haven't lost him by being stupid, rather he has ended your relationship his way, which has left you hanging and wondering. It's extremely difficult to maintain any sort of normalcy with a LDR and if you never met him face to face, then you really didn't 'know' this guy. You don't know what he was doing elsewhere and if you tried to develop trust over an 8 month period, then his actions tell you what he thought of your efforts. Your gut instinct was telling you something was wrong when you suspected that he was cheating and your instinct will always guide you in times of doubt.

This sentence from your post "Whilst I feel much more relaxed without having to worry about him, and also feel like I have some of my positivity back" is what you should be concentrating on to help you get over him. Sure, you may miss him, but your sentence should tell you that it's a good thing to be done with him. Move on and let the past be.

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