Why an I so critical of my wife?
Hi everyone, first time here for me. I've been married 8 years and have 2 children, but unfortunately our marriage has become very difficult now. My wife accuses me of not loving her, and to be honest I just don't any more. Before we got married, she seemed to be kind and helpful; she kept slim, wore some make up and had nice hair. After children, she has become unpleasantly bossy, doesn't bother with her appearance and looks embarrassingly shabby to me. We don't have sex any more as she is not attractive to me either physically or emotionally and every time she tries to make an effort, it just gets worse. So we tend to do our own thing and it is a very empty marriage. I have suggested to go to a counsellor, but she thinks it is all my problem so won't go. Everything she does now seems to irritate me, and I feel so critical inside, but generally don't say anything to keep the peace.
Needless to say I am very unhappy, and just feel I want to have a close relationship with someone I actually like, but just don't seem to be able to get to that place with my wife. She doesn't work, and I earn quite a lot, so will lose everything I have ever worked for if the relationship ends in a bad way, so I would prefer it not to end, but I don't want to spend my life feeling really unhappy and frankly quite depressed it. When I see happy couples, or romantic movies etc, I feel really upset and angry inside. I do regret getting married I think. There isn't a huge amount to look forward to in later life (I am in my late 40's now) but it could be worse I suppose.
If I could get some more positive feelings, I might be able to get more happy with it, but I just feel so negative about her, and I think she can sense this too. Anyone been in a similar situation? Should I just put up with it, try to desensitize, and just live a parallel life? Anyone been through anything similar?
Hey. Just been on to post a semi-similar situation. Given the amount of information you've given above it's quite hard to provide any thoughts on your current situation, but I would try and do everything you can to get her into a relationship counselling session with you. See what happens.
As a woman herself who is with a mam that felt about the same as you did about me once, here is what I can tell you. It is plain and simple really. Talking to her about all this really is important and if you really feel as if you need professional help then by all means do it. But if she is not willing to put in the effort into this relationship then why is she worth all this trouble? Sorry to be so blunt. My husband confronted me about a similar situation years ago and yes I was upset but I knew in my heart I LOVED him therefore I was not about to let this relationship die. Calmly confront her. Talk to her. Tell her how you fell. Tell her you r stronlgy believe professional help is what you guys need. And if she still refuses then your answer on what to do next is simple, free yourself from a toxic black hole.
Thank you for your thoughts. The relationship is not nasty or abusive, just very empty, so I can survive it - but I don't think it will every be fulfilling or happy for me. I can't work out whether I would be happier starting again and losing just about everything, or learning to live with it a bit better. I'm hoping I can learn to emotionally let go, and just learn to live with it. I'm really fearful about having to start over at my age as not sure I have enough internal reserves left to rebuild my life properly. Feel a bit drained TBH. So I think I need to make it my priority to get some proper counselling help and see how it goes.
Does you wife know about how unhappy you are? You MUST tell her and INSIST that she go to couples counseling!!
This situation is not uncommon. Wife - or husband - seems to have stopped caring about herself/appearance, etc. Kids take a lot of attention. Financial problems or stress. Relative problems. Boredom. Lack of interests in other things besides job and spouse. etc. etc.
So, you don't sound like you want to throw in the towel. You just want to fall in love with her again. In reality, you need to find out how to make yourself happy.
Go to counseling and find out more about yourself. The issue may not be HER but could be that you need to feel fulfilled again. And, yes, it means a good marriage, but that's not the whole enchilada!
I had a situation close to yours in my late 40s. I finally tried to have the talk, which just made her angry and agressive.
"You need to appreciate what you have."
"Nobody has everything they want."
"Don't be so sensitive."
"So, you think you're perfect, huh."
"I don't see you going out of you way for me."
It went no where and she continued as before. I looked at things from the point of view of "Would I be better off alone?" I decided I would and later I wished I had done it years earlier. I'm not recommending an action for you. But that is my story.
I'm sorry about your situation. I really don't like it when the partner does not want to go to counseling when he/she asks. It shows me that either they do not care about the partner or they do not care about the relationship. Anyway, if your wife does not want to go to the counseling, you can start going by yourself to see if there's anything you can work on to make the relationship better. If you guys are in a relationship where you can talk comfortably, you can share your experience with counseling with your wife. If she cares about you and the relationship, she will listen to you and hopefully, eventually, she would join you. If not, you will have to decide what to do with the relationship. Late 40s is not too late to have another relationship. Life is too precious to give up and live unhappy. Hope you can find some answer. Good luck. :)