Feel free to just chew the fat and/or swap jokes, anecdotes, and funny film footage, but please try to remember (especially if you've had a few) to keep it as clean as poss., including asterisking your expletives in case any wandering kiddies find their way here. Regular poster Scopes is thread host and acting co-thread monitor (avec moi) for ensuring you kidz play nice.
I'll start you all off with some befittingly naff-but-good, one-liners (and no complaining, unless you can do better :-p)...
- When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.
- My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.
- I've just been diagnosed as colour-blind. It came right out of the Purple!
- Tried to make myself a Hawaiian pizza last night but burnt the whole thing. Should have put the oven on aloha setting.
- Walked past a butcher shop and they were selling eight legs of venison for £20. I thought that was two deer.
- I used to have a job at a calendar factory. I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
- Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
- If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
- What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1. ( - my favourite)
- What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
- I told my friend she drew her eyebrows to high. She seemed surprised.
- Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
- What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
As I was saying...
- What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything".
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
- Furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.
- Had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.
- Steak puns... They're a rare medium, well done.
- Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
Rotten tomatoes this way ---> .......particularly as I'm over this way <-----
Myself and Mr S are about to eat last night's leftovers (we had a small party to celebrate Xmas Day early for the benefit of son who's spending today with his dad) and watch Wizard of Oz. He doesn't believe he's ever seen it (do what?!).
Ah, Mannie - come oooon - you must have some typical Aussie jokes to tell us, surely? Listen, don't worry about them being sexist, we'd expect that or they wouldn't be typical Aussie jokes [ducks].
What's the weather like over there? Wait, don't tell me - "SCORCHIO!"?
Feliz Navidad para ti, tambien, amigo! Y "Grassy a*se" por su ayuda (for your help). Karma Kredits winging their way to you as we speak.
(And that's a Scooby Clue )
This sounds like a poem
Only, it in't.
I had a fabutastic one - does that count?
Gee, thanks soooo much for the weather report [throws evils].
(Gimmie those pigging glasses, I wanna put them somewhere. Somewhere special. ...Or so say the phoneboxes.)
LOL - shall we???
After all, we do need a 'meeting room', us regulars, si?
And, of course, one of the benefits, mentioning no names, is that you can
Why - what did you get?
PS Mannie - ref "b**tard storms", enough to keep your fellow Aussies away from the "BAAA" of all things? OH. Humid, headachey weather is no improvement on Blighty cloud and freezing wind, is it, in which case I'll leave your bottom in peace (or 'pieces', if, again, I were to believe said phonebox graffiti).
(LOL, yullaffter catch me foist.)
So...shall I change the the thread title or keep it as a form of "irony, dwahlings"?
I wonder if, being open to regulars only, it'll provide an incentive to become one, as in, 'If yer name's not down you ain't comin' in!'? I.e. are we that entertaining, stimulating and fascinating, do ya think ("dan-dan-DAAAN...!")?
I'll have to run it past "Ricardo" first, obviously, but I can't imagine he'd have any problem with it? After all, we do need a place to commune with Kate. (Sorry - communicate. I always get those two mixed up. Poor Kate...)
PS: FYI, Mr Soulmate found on the web a really fun party game for we and our guests to play. Basically pass-the-(well-Cellotaped)-parcel but wearing oven gloves/mittens(!!)...throwing a Six on the dice to be the one to start, and whereby the person to your left, the minute you start donning the gloves, starts frantically trying to get a Six to end your turn and cue their own. Our oven mittens were practically in tatters by the end of it. But it was so worth it, we were all rolling around laughing the whole time! So good we played it thrice. I imagine you could make it into a boozy game if the forfeit for not succeeding to remove the wrapping were downing a shot?
I dunno, Ive never seen snow or been in it but I reckon I'd prefer heat over the cold any day..least we can chase it with cold drinks..the hell with the shots, they be deadly..sneak up on you and then the floor somehow hits you in the face...
You must be renovating Scopes?....nail gun?
Seriously - never seen snow?????
Do you have a fridge freezer? Sorry - have you never defrosted a fridge freezer (the old-fashioned, brute-force way) and then had fun with the chippings, courtesy of your spouse?
Yeah, we have floors like that in Blighty. They're on timers, from what I can gather. Both of them.
It is UCKING FREEZING here at the mo...down in the minuses. So is it in Frrrrrancaise ("puh-TING!"), ee-hoh-ee-hoh(-brr!) where Mr S is at the mo (custody visit). You've got all the heat to yourselves, you jammy s*ds, give it back!
I must be renovating Scopes? Nope, I thought him mostly fine as he is [groan]. Maybe a bit of caulking here and there? [bigger groan]
Ha-ha, reminds me of that 'funny':
Let's eat Grandma!
Let's eat, Grandma!
(Good grammar saves lives)
(...or was it 'good grandma'?).
Hey - WHERE'S SUSIE?!
And where did Skinnygirl go?
PS: Just wanna point out - there was no thought-association involved between grandma and Susie! Just wanted to be clear before she beats me to a bloodied pulp.
Anyway... This isn't nice, isn't it? ....."Gedding too knooow yoooou, gedding to knoooow aaaall abooo-", KER-THUNK!!!! (- Scopes tests out his new nail gun in timely fashion.)
You can see why my stand-up career was so short, can't you.
But what about your face?
(1. Done! Wasn't needed, you were doing fine...let's discuss in 1000 words or less why you get so far then suddenly experience a loss of confidence. I'll start: Just don't. LOL)
2. Ketchup, Baby Tomato - Mannie was talking about floors rising up to meet the face and you said your patio was cracked.
Tsk - comedy *fail*. Try this one:
There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
3. Now let's talk about spanners.
Alternatively, you two, try Ann Summers.
["per-CHOO...!" (cartoon dust)]
It'll become properly structured, though (talks scheduled). Watch this space...
PS: Can't help but notice how you've both suddenly gone all (Ann) Schtum(-ers) on me. Having an eye-opening browse around the power tools, are we??
£1,500 each, please.
Happy New Wall-Calendar!
HAPPY BELATED BUFFDAY, SCOPESIE!