The 'Xmas Party' thread!

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Posted by SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 24 2016 at 23:28
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
Other advice forum category advice forum category

Whether on your tod due to a rift or break-up - or deliberately on your tod (in the loo...to get away from the rellies for 5 minutes and let off steam, LOL) - or wanting to earn good Karma in contributing an input - this thread is for you.

Feel free to just chew the fat and/or swap jokes, anecdotes, and funny film footage, but please try to remember (especially if you've had a few) to keep it as clean as poss., including asterisking your expletives in case any wandering kiddies find their way here. Regular poster Scopes is thread host and acting co-thread monitor (avec moi) for ensuring you kidz play nice.

I'll start you all off with some befittingly naff-but-good, one-liners (and no complaining, unless you can do better :-p)...

- When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.

- My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

- I've just been diagnosed as colour-blind. It came right out of the Purple!

- Tried to make myself a Hawaiian pizza last night but burnt the whole thing. Should have put the oven on aloha setting.

- Walked past a butcher shop and they were selling eight legs of venison for £20. I thought that was two deer.

- I used to have a job at a calendar factory. I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

- Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

- If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

- What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1. ( - my favourite)

- What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.

- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

- I told my friend she drew her eyebrows to high. She seemed surprised.

- Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

- What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 24 2016 at 23:41
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Well, I don't know what happened to the rest of the post?!

As I was saying...

- What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything".

- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

- Furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.

- Had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

- Steak puns... They're a rare medium, well done.

- Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

**********

Rotten tomatoes this way ---> .......particularly as I'm over this way <-----

("Thangyouverymushyou'vebinnawonnerfulaudience!" )

Reply from MANALONE on Dec 25 2016 at 00:00
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

Geez, Soulmate can't match those one liners.. but merry Xmas etc etc to all, from good old Austraya...trust you have a few & enjoy the day..cheers

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 25 2016 at 02:59
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Merry Christmas to all!

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 25 2016 at 15:10
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

You too, Scopesie! Hope there's some good telly on for you when you clock off work? (You are a Brit, right?)

Myself and Mr S are about to eat last night's leftovers (we had a small party to celebrate Xmas Day early for the benefit of son who's spending today with his dad) and watch Wizard of Oz. He doesn't believe he's ever seen it (do what?!).

Ah, Mannie - come oooon - you must have some typical Aussie jokes to tell us, surely? Listen, don't worry about them being sexist, we'd expect that or they wouldn't be typical Aussie jokes [ducks].

What's the weather like over there? Wait, don't tell me - "SCORCHIO!"?

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 25 2016 at 22:24
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Soulmate Feliz Navidad! Spanish for Merry Christmas! (I'm a yank)here across the world and at work of course. And some of your one liners got laughs especially the one about the flamingo.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 26 2016 at 15:28
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Well, the good news is, obviously everybody was happily too embroiled with something or someone(s) else yesterday.

Feliz Navidad para ti, tambien, amigo! Y "Grassy a*se" por su ayuda (for your help). Karma Kredits winging their way to you as we speak.

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 26 2016 at 21:20
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

And here you knew Spanish all the while. Hope all had a splendtastic Christmas.

Reply from MANALONE on Dec 27 2016 at 00:05
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

Actually Soulmate, parts of the country experienced the hottest Xmas day for 50 years, temps in the mid 40s, while other parts the coolest, high 20s,..overall the weather is what we expected at this time of the year..bloody hot. cheers

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 00:17
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

I should hope I do!

(And that's a Scooby Clue )

This sounds like a poem

Only, it in't.

I had a fabutastic one - does that count?

Gee, thanks soooo much for the weather report [throws evils].

(Gimmie those pigging glasses, I wanna put them somewhere. Somewhere special. ...Or so say the phoneboxes.)

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 00:19
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Here, what say we keep this thread going until next Christmas?

LOL - shall we???

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 00:21
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

I'm game if you two and any others are? [wiggles eyebrows]

After all, we do need a 'meeting room', us regulars, si?

And, of course, one of the benefits, mentioning no names, is that you can

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 00:21
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

shoot pellets

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 00:22
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

at will!

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 00:23
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 27 2016 at 01:54
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

What did you get for Christmas? (This applies to all)

Reply from MANALONE on Dec 27 2016 at 12:42
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

Scopes..a headache and a day off from the pubs I run..against the law to trade Xmas Day..re opened one at 1 minute past midnight Boxing Day, but it stormed like a bastard and so pretty small crowd..and yeah Soulmate, let's keep it going, no sweat

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 27 2016 at 17:56
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

I couldn't tell you without giving too many games away, gender and identity-wise, Scopester, but, suffice to say - I was spoiled rotten, and not just materialistically.

Why - what did you get?

PS Mannie - ref "b**tard storms", enough to keep your fellow Aussies away from the "BAAA" of all things? OH. Humid, headachey weather is no improvement on Blighty cloud and freezing wind, is it, in which case I'll leave your bottom in peace (or 'pieces', if, again, I were to believe said phonebox graffiti).

(LOL, yullaffter catch me foist.)

So...shall I change the the thread title or keep it as a form of "irony, dwahlings"?

I wonder if, being open to regulars only, it'll provide an incentive to become one, as in, 'If yer name's not down you ain't comin' in!'? I.e. are we that entertaining, stimulating and fascinating, do ya think ("dan-dan-DAAAN...!")?

I'll have to run it past "Ricardo" first, obviously, but I can't imagine he'd have any problem with it? After all, we do need a place to commune with Kate. (Sorry - communicate. I always get those two mixed up. Poor Kate...)

PS: FYI, Mr Soulmate found on the web a really fun party game for we and our guests to play. Basically pass-the-(well-Cellotaped)-parcel but wearing oven gloves/mittens(!!)...throwing a Six on the dice to be the one to start, and whereby the person to your left, the minute you start donning the gloves, starts frantically trying to get a Six to end your turn and cue their own. Our oven mittens were practically in tatters by the end of it. But it was so worth it, we were all rolling around laughing the whole time! So good we played it thrice. I imagine you could make it into a boozy game if the forfeit for not succeeding to remove the wrapping were downing a shot?

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 27 2016 at 21:33
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Well I'm glad that worked out for both of you one form fashion or another. Seems like almost everyones getting hit with some kind of weather regardless of what country they're in. As for me a new car battery for the old white horse and a nail gun. Whadya think abewt that

Reply from MANALONE on Dec 27 2016 at 23:04
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

Saw that game you mentioned Soulmate, on FB the other day..tried it out with some pub patrons..hilarious to say the least..we played it with any double being thrown..some never had the chance to put the mittens on..had a 100 dollar note wrapped in the box..nobody actually won it so we all drank it out.

I dunno, Ive never seen snow or been in it but I reckon I'd prefer heat over the cold any day..least we can chase it with cold drinks..the hell with the shots, they be deadly..sneak up on you and then the floor somehow hits you in the face...

You must be renovating Scopes?....nail gun?

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 28 2016 at 00:50
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

We have similar conditions here drinking and weather wise it gets bloody hot here too. Yep renovation not by choice the patio is falling apart. Sloppy workmanship on previous owners part.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 29 2016 at 21:10
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Hundred dollar bill? Sh*te...we only had some fake moustaches, a light-up "thingy" that you put between your teeth for doing alien grins with....er... can't remember the last prize. Might have been Scopes's old nail gun?

Seriously - never seen snow?????

Do you have a fridge freezer? Sorry - have you never defrosted a fridge freezer (the old-fashioned, brute-force way) and then had fun with the chippings, courtesy of your spouse?

Yeah, we have floors like that in Blighty. They're on timers, from what I can gather. Both of them.

It is UCKING FREEZING here at the mo...down in the minuses. So is it in Frrrrrancaise ("puh-TING!"), ee-hoh-ee-hoh(-brr!) where Mr S is at the mo (custody visit). You've got all the heat to yourselves, you jammy s*ds, give it back!

I must be renovating Scopes? Nope, I thought him mostly fine as he is [groan]. Maybe a bit of caulking here and there? [bigger groan]

Ha-ha, reminds me of that 'funny':

Let's eat Grandma!

Let's eat, Grandma!

(Good grammar saves lives)

(...or was it 'good grandma'?).

Hey - WHERE'S SUSIE?!

And where did Skinnygirl go?

PS: Just wanna point out - there was no thought-association involved between grandma and Susie! Just wanted to be clear before she beats me to a bloodied pulp.

Anyway... This isn't nice, isn't it? ....."Gedding too knooow yoooou, gedding to knoooow aaaall abooo-", KER-THUNK!!!! (- Scopes tests out his new nail gun in timely fashion.)

You can see why my stand-up career was so short, can't you.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 29 2016 at 21:11
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

"the patio is falling apart"

But what about your face?

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 29 2016 at 21:23
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Actually I have very much seen snow being from Milwaukee. Brrrr....however I've lived down in the desert southwest for over 37 years so my bloods thinned out. What about my face......awwwww greaaat!!!

Reply from MANALONE on Dec 29 2016 at 22:43
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

Milwaukee Scopes?...know a few tradies (carpenters, plumbers etc) who use and swear by Milwaukee power tools..expensive but up there with the best...can pay $750 AU plus for a single drill but reckon they outlast anything on the market..

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 29 2016 at 23:21
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Unfortunately I'm on the cheap, I bought Harbor freight cheapo central pneumatic. We'll see how long that lasts

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 30 2016 at 08:31
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Wonder if either of you could jump over to the thread (sexual Dysfunction) hope I didn't mess it up too badly

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 30 2016 at 13:53
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Scopes,

(1. Done! Wasn't needed, you were doing fine...let's discuss in 1000 words or less why you get so far then suddenly experience a loss of confidence. I'll start: Just don't. LOL)

2. Ketchup, Baby Tomato - Mannie was talking about floors rising up to meet the face and you said your patio was cracked.

Tsk - comedy *fail*. Try this one:

There are two types of people in this world:

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

3. Now let's talk about spanners.

Alternatively, you two, try Ann Summers.

["per-CHOO...!" (cartoon dust)]

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 30 2016 at 21:51
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Good news, guys! Dee man frrom Del Monte, HE SAY YES!

It'll become properly structured, though (talks scheduled). Watch this space...

PS: Can't help but notice how you've both suddenly gone all (Ann) Schtum(-ers) on me. Having an eye-opening browse around the power tools, are we??

£1,500 each, please.

Reply from LILY31 on Dec 31 2016 at 12:20
Member since: 08 September 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United Kingdom

Oooo meeting room , can I join pleaaaassseee?

Reply from SCOPES on Jan 1 2017 at 04:03
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

Reply from LILY31 on Jan 1 2017 at 10:25
Member since: 08 September 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United Kingdom

Happy new year! Zzz

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 1 2017 at 19:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Once it's bona fide official, you mean? Hopefully, Lils. Depends whether the initial trial period will be performance- or tenure-based. But it would only be a matter of time, whichever.

*******

Happy New Wall-Calendar!

Reply from SCOPES on Jan 1 2017 at 20:32
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

I'm one year older today

Reply from MANALONE on Jan 1 2017 at 20:36
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

well then I guess it's Happy Bday to you Scopes and a Happy New Year to all..gotta be a better one than last year

Reply from SCOPES on Jan 1 2017 at 20:54
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Thanks MANALONE that's what I'm hoping too

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 3 2017 at 15:06
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Sorry - I missed it!

HAPPY BELATED BUFFDAY, SCOPESIE!

Reply from SCOPES on Jan 3 2017 at 21:20
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States

Thank you Soulmate and really you didn't miss much. Just another day to me got alot done though.

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