Marriage for convenience
My husband and I are nearing our 30s, with two young kids, married 6 years. I can barely stand to be around him anymore. I cringe at his jokes, can't even have a conversation with him, bedromm life is dead. I'm having trouble remembering why we ever got along.
He is former military and exactly the "soldier type": strong but silent. Years of begging for more intellectual and emotional conversations led to no success so I feel like I'm numb to any emotion with him now. He recently had too much to drink and became the person I fantasized him being when I was younger; he talked deeply to me for the first time in years, but I only felt numb through it and wished he would go to sleep.
Life is incredibly convenient with him, as he stays with the kids while I work during the day. We have been to counseling before, 6 sessions to help me cope with the lack of communication. But that was a few years ago. Most things he does drive me crazy. He's on his phone 24/7. I admittedly am on mine often but make a conscious effort to put it away around the kids.
I'm not a jealous person and I realize he has needs and "takes care of them" himself as our bedroom life is non-existent. The issue is that I'll see him looking at naked women on his phone while laying next to me in bed. I'll tell him that makes me upset, he throws his phone and goes to sleep, never to discuss it again.
Being around family for the holidays has been great, but it seems like every single time he says anything it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. Everything he does bothers me and I am having trouble ignoring it now, so it's constant bickering when we are alone.
We do tons of activities together with the kids, but it's always about the kids. We go somewhere almost every weekend but we mostly engage with the kids instead of each other. The thought of taking a trip with just him sounds joyless but I'm wondering if maybe we need to do something for a few days alone to find our grove again. We are married out of convenience right now it seems, but I don't want it to be like that.
what exactly do you want to happen? to be brutally honest, this is a dead fucking relationship. seriously this must fucking suck for you. all i can say is try and initiate some spark between the hub and yourself. talk to each other. figure shit out.
Wow! Your story is extremely similar to my mine. My husband has barely communicated with me for the past two years. The ONLY way I can get something out of hIm is by asking him yes or no questions like "Do you want to see a movie" Rather than "What movie do you want to see?" If I ask a question like that I'm either met with silence or an "I don't know". My husband is also a military guy who is a stay at home dad right now with our soon to be (yes I'm 38weeks pregnant) 3 children. He is a great father but as far as our marriage goes it seems like he could care less! He is constantly on his phone, he doesn't have sex with me (he jerks himself off which I hate because I love sex!) when I try to express my feelings he stares at his phone/tv.....I'm just as lost as you are and am staying married for the convenience as well. I just don't know how to not cry all the time nor feel so upset and hurt. What do you do to feel better? I try playing with the kids but then he will come over and steal the spotlight from me with them...then I get hurt and start to cry. I mean for his birthday which is the day after Christmas I bought him an engraved pocket knife that says "With all my love, and my name". Looked at it yesterday to find the saying has been scratched off and when I asked him about it he said "yeah, didn't like what it said. It was a 70 dollar personalized knife.
WHY are both of you on the phone all the time? No wonder you have lost that lovin' feeling.
"yeah, didn't like what it said"
If you are in the military, then avail yourself to the chaplain. He/she has heard all this before.
Your husband sounds like he has PSTD and that loving message on such a violent weapon piece is a contradiction to his mindset.
Get HIM and YOU into counseling ASAP!!