Sexual dysfunction

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Posted by IRINA on Dec 29 2016 at 05:28
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
S-e-x advice forum category advice forum category Thankyou for taking the time and reading my story. I need to share this unique situation I find myself in. I am married for the last 8 years. Married in 2009. Husband has sexual problems. He has erectile dis function. Cannot keep it hard. We could not consummate our marriage for good 6 years of our marriage. The little sex we've had is using Viagra but even that doesn't help much. He is a great guy otherwise, someone I love care about and respect . Quite a gem really. He is nice to me. Sometimes I feel he is compensating for this deficiency. I feel very dissatisfied with my sex life which is next to nothing really. But the thought of divorce makes my heart sink. We have built a life together. No children yet , but we can try IVF. I want a normal sex life. I feel like running away sometimes, but my biggest fear is not finding the right partner and the thought of seeing him be alone kills me. I feel like my ability to trust a man is on the low. As well as lack of confidence in myself. Slowly I am trying to get my confidence back. I am 33 going on 34. Still a couple of good years left reproductively. I would leave if there was a chance at normal marriage , but I don't have the confidence of finding the right partner. I have put on weight, went into depression. Slowly coming out of it. And all I can think of is having sex like a normal person. I am educated woman and I can look better if I lose weight. I need to know that I can leave this situation and dint have to stick it out . Cause everyday is so much pain.
Reply from SCOPES on Dec 29 2016 at 05:56
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
Just wondering if you you knew about his condition before you married and if you did why did didn't you take that into account if sex may have been important in your marriage
Reply from SCOPES on Dec 29 2016 at 07:14
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
Other than that maybe talk to a urologist and see if there isn't some surgical procedure that could enable him to be erect (pump)? Or divorce the poor nice guy and take your chances to find the other Mr right.
Reply from IRINA on Dec 29 2016 at 19:50
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
In my culture, we have arranged marriages where it's not common to have pre marital sex. So I didn't have any idea about this condition. He claims he didn't know either. He shuts down when we talk about it. We have seen a urologist who prescribed Viagra . As I said, it helps to get in with some stimulation, but doesn't last long enough for a satisfactory intercourse. I have nothing to compare it with as I have never been with anyone else either. So I don't know Whst I am missing but I feel it. The attraction a man feels towards a woman and wants to get hold of her , comes close to her is missing. So I am missing a man who feels like coming close to me. He is a good guy in every other way. Takes good care of me otherwise as in he is a good provider.
Reply from IRINA on Dec 29 2016 at 19:52
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
I am 34 and wondering if it's too late to find a good partner
Reply from IRINA on Dec 29 2016 at 20:57
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Do guys know that they have problems with erection even if they have never been with a girl?
Reply from SCOPES on Dec 29 2016 at 21:54
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
All I can say being a guy is it's all about stimulation to cause the erection, as in sexual attraction. I'm sure you've heard about guy's getting off on porn if you read some of these threads you'll might see that.

If you're thinking about finding another man be fair to your husband and divorce him first don't cheat

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 29 2016 at 23:26
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
Some may speculate as to maybe he's gay or bi,or maybe he might be turned on in a threesome.
Reply from IRINA on Dec 30 2016 at 03:49
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
There may not be any way in which I will know the real cause. I have speculated for so many years. I blamed myself thinking probably I am not attractive enough. Then I realized it isn't that. It took so many of my good years so understand finally that it wasn't me. There was nothing wrong with me or what I was doing. It's a medical condition he has. Don't know if he is asexual . He will not open up to anyone as to what the real issues are. We have seen a therapist , even the therapist couldn't get him to open up. So it's been a long road hoping things will improve. Some improvements are certainly there as in we are emotionally much closer due to going through all of this together but that's it. Needs are unmet and that's a bottom line . Feel depressed when I feel I have needs and I can do nothing about it.
Reply from SCOPES on Dec 30 2016 at 05:46
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
At least we're getting some more clearer answers here as others may be able to help on this thread.

MANALONE?

ONTHEROAD?

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 30 2016 at 13:38
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
(You were actually doing perfectly fine, Scopes, but... okay...)

Irina, lovely personality or not - if your own husband won't open up to you properly over something so seriously fundamentally crucial to marital health and sustenance - this case, his inability to provide conjugal rights AND A BABY *and* romantic-sexual-attraction-based affection - whether or NOT he's sufficiently touched and showing it over your tenacious interest and endeavours on his behalf, then I fail to appreciate how you can call it a marriage. So do a lot of men whom you might know already have lovely personalities. Those, you call FRIENDS (or uncles, cousins, whatever).

He could be the Angel Gabriel himself, but no amount of otherwise agreeable-ness on his part is going to be able to save you from the inexorable, incremental effects of never getting to have sexual relations like the normal, functional woman you are (or should be). IOW, if it's bothering you this much (and how wouldn't it!) today, at Year 8, then imagine how you're going to feel at Year 10.....15.....20....

- He's a lovely guy, but has one (or more) serious problem that disqualifies him from being husband and father-to-my-child material and he himself hasn't done enough to try to fix it.

- You've tried to help him fix it but (ref frustrated therapist) he's basically refused to let you, *whereas* you'd think he'd be running round, banging on professional doors like a headless chicken to pip the final tipping-over of your building frustration to the post.

- The problem is not foreseeably going to ever be fixed.

- You are married to a man who can't provide THREE, in fact (when you thought it were one), of the main features of a marriage: [1] a sex life (as 'feeds' the marriage), [2] enough trust and intimacy (as feeds the marriage) to cooperate with you over solving something seriously wrong which is busy drip-drip killing said marriage, and [3] said offspring (as feeds the marriage).

What doesn't get fed does WHAT NOW?

Either you yourself pull the plug (on the assurance of remaining his friend for life) or just wait for the day it inevitably gets pulled FOR you. Furthermore, by that latter point, you might be so brimming with resentment at him for his seeming apathy that you no longer will *want* to stay friends.

Saying all of that, however, when I focus on some of the major things you've said, including, the fact you weren't each other's choice because it was an arrangement, the fact that with his penis out of action he obviously hasn't thought to instead try using his hands, etc., and the fact that PROBABLY the reason he hasn't is due to his not even finding you sexually-romantically attractive, then...

...Does he have a lover? Are you 'Princess Di', unaware at this point that there's a 'Camilla' in his closet? I have to ask this because...think about how much sense, suddenly, everything about this situation and how he behaves and reacts would make under this light. It all suddenly fits...perfectly: Can't get it up (makes him feel like he's cheating on his true love?); can't/won't open up to you about the potential reasons behind his 'dysfunction'; seemingly isn't worried about getting you pregnant (to the anticipated tune of £££IVF); neither can/will/dares open up in front of you to a therapist; doesn't fall back automatically-instinctually for a man supposedly in-love and thinking long-term to using his hands, mouth, sex toys; isn't attracted to you thus romantically affectionate to compensate, just nice (then nicer)...basically *isn't* acting scared and panicked about first emotionally then actually losing his so-called for-life partner-lover and, au contraire, is happy to leave things to deteriorate further and further (he's no idiot, he could work that inevitable out, so he obviously doesn't care enough)....

Who gives a sh*t if YOU lack confidence or are on the fat side or if you were SEVENTY years old? [1] I presume you're not planning on being your own boyfriend-lover-husband? (in which case, your opinion of yourself means diddly-squat if he finds you're his idea of all-round gorgeous), and [2] THEN SO WILL THE MAN YOU ATTRACT (that's how it works)! Boo-hoo... You can lose weight and gain confidence (and sexual know-how) TOGETHER, can't you!

Stop using excuses that aren't even real, just to save you from doing something temporarily daunting, painful and disruptive (despite long-term sensible and happier for all) before stepping into "the great unknown". There's nothing 'unknown' about it, anyway - we don't CHOOSE to fall in love or even meet the person we're destined to experience amazing mutual attraction and attachment with, it chooses US...and usually when we're busy looking the other way (*bump!*, 'Well, HELLOOOO, gorgeous!/Well, hello yourself!'). And even when we try to AVOID that event because consciously we think we don't want a relationship, "bleugh!" - it gets us anyway. WHEN, not If + You can run but you can't hide! So it's 'My biggest fear is I don't know WHEN I'll find the right partner (and whether by then I'll need IVF)' (bet you won't, you know).

Big deal - right?

'Pain every day' is NOT A MARRIAGE, let alone a happy or even just contented one. You stay in this for much longer and by the time you and your soulmate bump paths you'll be psychologically and emotionally USELESS to him! There you go - I've just taken away your unrealistic fear as keeps you paralysed and replaced it with a very real one that *should* serve as a firework up yer whittley bum.

'Sorry, Mr Otherwise Lovely, but I signed up for MARRIAGE, not moreover platonic friendship with tiny bells (balls) on...however, I'd love us to remain lifelong friends if that appeals to you?'.

Anyway, you never know... That might prove to finally be the badly-needed firework up *his* so-far inert bum! Issue the statement and watch that space.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 30 2016 at 13:44
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
..And report back (if you please/thank-you kindly) because Scopes and I want to know now as well.
Reply from IRINA on Dec 30 2016 at 15:41
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Thankyou soulmate for a very eye opening post. I wish I had looked out for this advise much earlier.

Just to clarify a few things: he does love me, cares about me. He has a very maternal/ paternal side to him and he will baby me when he feels like showing affection. We both feel affection for each other.

Infact he loves children. Very much. He would've loved to have 3-4 of them if it was easier for us.

He is a thorough gentleman. Very well read , respects women.

I don't think he is having an affair. I think this problem has eaten into his self confidence. As much pain as it has caused me, it has caused him pain to see his wife lighting up with slightest of attention she gets from other men

He has said many times to me - don't leave me. I like you. And I know he does. I have stayed for that reason.

I have told him many times to use his fingers. He has a few times. But it was never a satisfying sexual experience for me. I feel our needs in bedroom are not understood by each other. I expect him to be a man and initiate and be the dominant one in the bedroom. I expect him to want to be on the top. But he prefers to lie back and expects me to some work. Which I am willing to. But a girl needs some taking charge by the man initially. So it seems to me that we both want to be the receptive one in relationship. He is a sensitive guy, so slightest of things hurt his ego. He feels the pain , doesn't show it. Doesn't say it. But I can sense if I say something then it hurts him. But his problem is he won't open up about it. Doesn't express his emotions at all.

Basically we are great partners in every other way possible. So I have one problem really- how to keep his erection hard enough for a decent intercourse pleasurable for both of us. Maybe our male to female energies are not adding up properly. It seems a psychological blockage about sexual expression and medical condition that makes it worse. So even if there is a want of companionship on his part , he is unable to provide sexual satisfaction in the most regular way. Maybe he is just different. I don't think he is gay. He likes women but I think maybe he is not as sexual as most men are. He was diagnosed with low testosterone earlier on. We had tried artificial insemination and it took him really long to provide the sample. Almost an hour. Maybe it was stress.

He has taken certain steps to improve the situation like goes to gym. Eats better, logs his meals etc. But he has a sweet tooth. Family is genetically prone to diabetes.

But I think it will take much more than this to fix his problem of lack of libido. He tries to do the minimum needed , but he won't take the problem head on do everything he needs to do to fix it. Part of problem is thst I have put up with it for do long thst he feels I will accept things as they are. Or maybe he feels that he already has lost this situation so what's the point of trying so hard .

My expectation is to pin point the cause - medical or psychological or both. But I need his 100% cooperation to get to answers but him not wanting to open up I may never get my answers.

Sorry for taking so much of your time soulmate- but I think you have come very close to understanding my problem . Please do weigh in your thoughts

Reply from IRINA on Dec 30 2016 at 15:54
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Also- he wants to have children pretty badly. I feel he also would feel security in our relationship if we had a child. What he wants is- child and wife by his side. Sexual needs put aside.

What I want is - healthy sexual relationship over the marital years and a child.

He couldn't penetrate on our first sexual contact. Infact for a few years. Then I was told to use vaginal dilators to basically get past my opening and make it larger. Then using Viagra he was one fine day able to penetrate. Now he will come closer during my fertile days. We did conceive once but it was a chemical pregnancy. That actually have him a huge boost.

Inspite of him trying I know that somewhere in his personality his confidence has taken a huge beating. I feel it socially as well.

My question is give up or try!

Thanks!!!

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 30 2016 at 21:46
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
You're clearly the type that processes out-loud before reaching conclusions. Keep going. I'll just sit here taking notes and doing maths, 'in case'...

Meanwhile (food for thought now I know you've got kids): Option B: as one of those rare, legitimate cases, you take a s*x-only, firmly compartmentalised lover, WITH HUSBAND'S FULL BLESSING. Someone single but whom wouldn't ever want to take it further.

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 30 2016 at 22:28
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
There was a somewhat similar thread and I can't find it or remember the title. The husband couldn't sexually satisfy his wife because of his medication. So he recommended that she find another man at which point she was angry at him for suggesting that.

She did however find another man and was seeing him alot. Her husband at some point in time was able to take other meds or somehow was able to restore his sexual drive but now his wife wouldn't stop seeing the other man. So basically he opened Pandora's box and now has regrets.

Yes this is something that both have to agree on and set firm ground rules with option B

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 31 2016 at 01:30
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
Yep! It's risky for sure. But it's less risky than basically sitting around, waiting to wither and shrivel up until one - or one's marriage - is emotionally 6 foot under. The lesser of two evils. Plus, on his side, it would be the only fair, kind and *decent* thing to do. A surprising number of couples do do (shooby-doo) this, though, e.g. where one has terminal- or even curable cancer but is undergoing chemo (not remotely sexy or conducive!).

UNLESS!...the 'firework up his bum' gets him taking his problem and how it long-term impacts on their marriage (and kid) as well as both their overall welfares (- after all, if he's not cheating, this can't be fun for him, either, surely?) fully seriously, for once?

She's in a lose-lose-in-waiting situation already at the mo, so *any* action is better than letting this lack of cooperation persist.

PS Irini: did I misunderstand what you meant by 'chemical' pregnancy and what you actually meant was Phantom, meaning, DON'T have a kid together yet?

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Dec 31 2016 at 01:35
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
PPS: And what do you think about the suggestion that he might well have been sexually abused at a very young age as was enough to put him off ever even dabbling with the opposite sex (until you)? In other words, IS he 'hyper'-sensitive? OR STILL RAW (never got to heal)?

Try asking him that one as well, see what the reaction is.

Reply from SCOPES on Dec 31 2016 at 01:56
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
I like the way I've got this set up with people's problems now with my email. I get prompted when anyone responds to a thread that I've been to.

Yes there is a possibility that it might light a fire to his sexual desire if I think that's what you mean.

Reply from SUSIEDQQ on Dec 31 2016 at 14:27
Member since: 27 December 2013
We sometimes see threads on this site about "arranged" marriages and how people are required to marry someone they LIKE but really are not in love with.

Could this be the case?

What do you know about his past relationships?

PS Is he having morning erections? Physical problems need to be ruled out. This sounds like a psychological impotence, but rule other issues out - like diabetes.

Reply from IRINA on Dec 31 2016 at 17:17
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Thankyou Soulmate, scopes and Susie for your responses. I am grateful for your time, compassion and candor.

I asked him about sexual or any other abuse in his past and he denied any such happening. I agree it might be a case of psychological and physical impotence, probably aided by diabetic genes.

But I will never be able to get him to accept it. He doesn't want me to leave him. I don't know if there are any medications that improve libido. Cause Viagra only helps erection enough to penetrate once but he loses erection while inside. Sorry for too much info.

Anyway, my problem is never having experience sex with anyone else I don't know what and how much to expect. A lot of my friends tell me they don't necessarily have spectacular sec lives either. I may have to experience sex to know what I am missing or not. In my culture marriages are so sacred. For a long time I did not confide in my parents about his condition. I was living in denial for do long! Thanks for hearing me out! I understand I will have to take some action, it will change my life upside down but I may have to do it! Thank you all again!

I appreciate if you have or know of any resources or guidance available for couples who have successfully overcome this problem with medicines or surgery etc. Any help is appreciated!

Thanks

Reply from SUSIEDQQ on Dec 31 2016 at 21:30
Member since: 27 December 2013
There are lots and lots of remedies and coping mechanisms for male impotency, including medications, penis rings and pumps - BUT you have an unwilling partner who exhibits low libido.

There is also a plethora of help on line to show how to make love to a woman or man, and how to please each other - with or without intercourse, BUT you have a partner who is discounting your needs.

Unless you insist that he get help AND participate in finding out what the issues are, then the future looks the same.

You are going to have to decide if you want to live like that for years to come. Right now you are a "best friend" to him, not a wife or lover.

(PS You did not answer my questions above)

Reply from IRINA on Jan 2 2017 at 21:22
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Yes Susie you are absolutely correct. Earlier when I suggested any of these alternatives he would clam up and not want to address or talk about it. I have realized over the years that men don't want to take a hard look at their deficiencies and fix them. They don't want to do the hard work to fix themselves. It's a thing that hurts their ego. They will avoid anything that has the potential to hurt their ego. The only thing they want is to women to accept their positives and carry on. That is the comfort zone. My guy loves his comfort zone and is very happy in his life otherwise. Infact what amazed me is thst this problem of his otherwise had no effect on his morale. He is a rare one! And it infact made me like him more that this huge problem did not affect his morale. anyway besides the fact that I am paying the price for it. Now lately that I have been making it clear to him that I won't accept this behavior he has started to try. But sometimes I resent him do much that I feel no attraction and then he loses his steam as well. I the past when I really wanted this to work id used to read up on different ways we could make this work. But these days I don't feel like putting Any effort . I may never get what I want sexually with him. Cause what I want is normal.

Sorry for not answering your questions- yes it is very much an arranged marriage . I did not feel attraction towards him. Although I felt a lot of comfort and emotional connect. He seemed like a really good guy. Mature , stable , well read and responsible and good looking! What more can you ask for!

If I ask him if he feels attraction towards me - he says of course! No question about it !

But end result of all of the above still is no sex!

It's going to be hard for me to leave all that I have-a caring partner to come home to, financial security, someone who cares about each one of my little needs ( except the big one!) and tries to most of the time give me what I want. It is a very convenient relationship for me.

When I ask him about his past relationships he basically says he has never had any. Which I believed because in my culture it's very common for both men and women to go on to marry without ever having a prior relationship experience. But yes, he is not happy when I ask him this question. I can sense he feels irritated when I ask him if he's had a girlfriend before. But that irritation can be due to the timing of my question - it's usually when I am so disappointed with my sex life and looking for answers.

Another hot potato- when I ask him if he has morning erections- he will say yes, but I am asleep so wouldn't know. My guess is he probably doesn't. But forthcoming about this issue he is not! So I will never know for sure!

He will basically pretend everything is normal as long as he can. Even the therapist noticed that she hear very different tunes from both of us. He will behave like everything is fine. I will say that nothing is fine. I couldn't afford the 200$ per session so I quit. Maybe will find someone who accepts insurance.

Anyway I could never get him to be open about this subject. And I suspect any man when probed about his sexual health will never want to talk about it. Any other health problem is fine - no one is sensitive about their heart or even tumors. But penis!!! Oh my god!!! Let's not talk about that please! The reason I am suffering today is because a man cannot confess to me what the real issue is. I suspect it's a huge performance anxiety as well as low testostetone. He thinks that I will probably leave if he did confess. I have spent so much time analyzing this. If it had been anything else- I would've dealt with it with full force of my will power. But this one had me become a psychologist and a medical detective yet no answers. The real problem is the social taboo one has with sexual impotence! Hard for a man to own up to it. I don't blame him for that , infact he had dealt with it much better than anyone out there ever can, for his never ending optimism and dedication to his family I love him. Not a day have a seen him dejected!I look like a defeated person in front of him , many days wondering what's there to live for! But he still looks radiant and happy! And wants to live long happy healthy life with children. He almost amazes me sometimes!

I know all this is irrelevant to the main issue, but I do admire his spirit while simultaneously being sexually frustrated . I don't know what I would've done if I was in his situation.

Reply from IRINA on Jan 2 2017 at 21:29
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Also wanted to clarify that we don't have any children. The chemical pregnancy I talked about earlier- was a very short positive pregnancy that I miscarried within a month.
Reply from SCOPES on Jan 2 2017 at 21:40
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
As a man I would fix my deficiencies for you and I mean that. But I've been single all of my life so what do I know.
Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 3 2017 at 14:10
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
Hear-Hear! Likewise, if I were your husband, Irina, I'd realise the problem were a ticking time bomb (in terms of our ability to stay married for any decent, worthwhile length of time) *as well as* want to do whatever was in my power, anyway, to make my wife's moreover happiness with every important element of our relationship possible. I mean, how could it *not* be in ones own interest to get such a giant handicap sorted and urgently??

He's clearly in denial. I think his problem is psychological. However, like you say, you can't solve a marital nut if one of the team is hiding the nutcracker and won't indicate which nut needs cracking to begin with.

Considering nothing else is working to impress the importance of his own onus onto him, I really do think he needs that ultimatum firework up his a*se before he'll realise and cease farting around.

But I have to be honest and say, I REALLY don't like the fact that such a worryingly big problem seems barely to affect him and his mood, begging the question - How come?! What is he - superhuman? It makes me wonder whether it must be because he's managing the other half of the time to get it up and keep it up quite comfortably thank-you, with someone else, i.e., doesn't actually have "a problem" (hence isn't acting like it in any way, shape or form), save for having had to 'legally' bed someone he and his chemistry didn't get to choose for himself. I know you've questioned him over it, but, if you think about it, he'd be completely unlikely to admit he didn't fancy you enough per se (which is no, I repeat, ZERO reflection on you or your physical appearance - just lack of compatible chemistry. I.e. you have the key (attractive to the right person) but there's no lock for unlocking the door to the 'urge to rip your clothes off nightly' room.

Tell me again why you think his having a secret 'Camilla' (or a 'working girl' that he pays quick visits to) is so out of the realms of all possibility? I really do think you need to reconsider this possibility because - as even you would have to concede - it's still the only thing that would explain everything beautifully, down to the Nth detail.

Reply from IRINA on Jan 4 2017 at 02:27
Member since: 29 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United States
You are very sweet to say that Scopes! Thankyou for your response . Makes me realize my expectation isn't over the top.

Thanks Soulmate, I really don't believe there's a "Camilla" in picture. But then I've been mislead earlier so what do I know. The reason I believe there's no one else in the picture is because how hard he tried since early last year to keep it going , he really wants to have children. Very very keen on that. It's possible that I am the show piece of a wife- namesake. To show the world thst hey Alls well here. A kid would prove that. Another problem I feel is his expectation of sex is probably what they show in porn videos. That's not how most women are. He has sometimes brought a laptop to out bed, to try to get aroused and then penetrate. As sad as that made me feel. There's definitely lack of chemistry in bedroom. He is probably an asexual person. It's a mystery I haven't solved!

Who can solve this mystery? A therapist tried- but couldn't do much because he is living in denial. To him everything is well just the way it is. As you said I may have to drop the bomb at some point.

Reply from SCOPES on Jan 4 2017 at 03:13
Member since: 08 June 2016
Gender: Male
Country: United States
Wows!

This thread is really going farther than I expected. From all things I've read online here in the past three years going to various sites pretty much the same thing is mentioned marriage is a two way street. It's all about caring for each other,pleasing each other and not forgetting about each other. And I know we keep bringing up communication but it is important ( BABY TALK TO ME WHAT'S WRONG?) Sorry I don't mean to shout. There's just got to be a way to resolve his situation

Reply from SUSIEDQQ on Jan 4 2017 at 15:11
Member since: 27 December 2013
Now, I'm going to get confrontational . . .

Unhappy married people often stay together for the kids, sex, or money. Strike out 2 for you.

It sounds like you are not willing to give up that "comfortable life" - all the nice THINGS, home and status. You have decided to stay with this "nice guy" in spite of a bleak outlook.

Which makes me wonder if there is someone else outside of your marriage) turning YOU on,

AND/OR you are seeking justification, permission or encouragement from everyone to have an affair.

Find a certified sex therapist ASAP and tell your husband that you both are going to go. Insist on it.

Have the courage to either draw the line in the sand - or live in the miserable sandbox.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 5 2017 at 02:44
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
Why do you suspect that, Susie? I already tested her out, but, amongst other lack of signs, I noted how she basically ignored my 'permission' like she hadn't really seen it, whilst choosing to continue paying attention to every other aspect, rather than having 'gleefully' swooped and run (off the forum) with it, plus has already openly admitted to liking the convenient other sides of the relationship that bit too much to leave (yet).

Nah, I don't personally think so, but I'll let Irina respond to your challenge, anyway; it's a fair enough question, after all, given the circumstances.

I did notice, however (, Irina) that you said you 'couldn't afford' the counselling session costs? Er....What do you mean, YOU couldn't? Are you saying, [a] you're the provider/main bread-winner/bill-payer, or [b] that the only way to get him to agree to accompany you was if it were on the understanding that you'd foot the whole bill every time?

Also, this thing with the laptop... See it for what it is:

1. He can't get it up with you, BUT HE CAN GET IT UP WITH OTHER WOMEN (this case, mere footage of/audio-visual stimulus)...you have that cast-iron proof in the bag already.

2. Thus 'got up', he then (logically-presumably) puts the laptop down (thereby losing sight of said tittilation) and tries to enter you. Whereupon...EITHER IMMEDIATELY OR AFTER A FEW SECONDS/MINUTES HE *LOSES* SAID ERECTION. Again, this is a FACT.

Actions, Irina, actions! He'd obviously have to be keeping his eyes on the still-playing screen to maintain his hard-on!

3. Yet...let's not miss this lovely nugget: How insensitive to the max in the first place to bring live porn into your marital bed! Could he be any CLEARER with his outright insult of a behavioural statement?! I mean, how is that NOT going to demean and belittle (= majorly turn off) any normal, healthy, human female - SERIOUSLY? What is he - Forrest Gump with the skin of a rhino? Why can't he rev himself up with his laptop in the loo and then quickly run to the bedroom if purely getting hard is his objective; why watch it right in front of your eyes and ears?

This smacks to me of him, subtly and underhandedly wanting to make your pursual of sexual relations attempts NOT WORTH *YOUR* WHILE - because it means a serious wounding to your feelings and sense of desirability every time....so that YOU'LL be bound, eventually (drip-drip-drip), to decide you'd rather give it a miss altogether than have to feel grossly insulted all over again. In other words, HIM SLIDING IN A DETERRENT - *IN* YOUR FACE - UNDER THE GUISE OF 'IT'LL HELP'. It's either dense as uck or highly and cleverly passive-aggressive, but, whichever, it is NOT the action of a man who's just as keen as his wife to maximise every chance for success of every attempt, it is NOT. Because it's just a matter of time before it serves to MINIMISE THEN DESTROY every chance for success!

Seeing it yet? My GOD, your ego must be in SHREDS by now! Isn't it?? Can you even feel it?

Come on, Irini. Of course he has a lover. You said yourself you can't explain how chipper he is, otherwise, (AND WHO COULD!) and ditto how when it comes to sex as a means to purely making a baby, THEN he's suddenly all keen to take the initiative. That's not him intermittently desiring you as a partner according to the normal, natural extension of romantic loving feeling/interactions, is it. It's him simply demonstrating that he'll do it, make proper effort of his own, if there's something to be gained from it, something HE badly wants. Something he DOES definitely want. Putting his coin in the slot of the baby-making machine rather than *loving* the machine and that love posing as a coin. There's the difference that makes all the difference.

Nice.

So that demonstrates how this whole time he *could* have been doing it purely for your benefit as a "gift" to show you that he DOES love you but genuinely can't perform. (Not that you'd find it satisfying to be 'serviced' as opposed to 'worshipped', but, you get my gist, it'd at least alleviate your sexual stress and tension on the physical side).

I agree a sex therapist would get straight to the heart of his problem even faster than a regular counsellor, but...if you couldn't afford it last time then I doubt you could this, either - correct? Or did you mean, lost all motivation to keep paying it because it were proving tantamount to flushing money down the toilet?

Me, I think you're correct, in that you're a cover wife, i.e. no MATTER that he's fond of you and/or that you're so lovable and likeable in terms of constant company, he is not romantically and sexually attracted to you in the slightest. You're just his best friend. And you're fond of him, too (the love's died because it hasn't been fed and recycled). So you 'love' each other as friends, full-stop.

So be friends. Don't get pregnant by him. Trust me, any future baby, in other to grow up as healthy and functional as poss - needs - NEEDS - to witness and form models via an as much as NORMAL romantic-nature relationship between its parents as possible, which includes witnessing little lots of little 'flashes' to show that mum and dad don't just LIKE each other, but are so fruit-loopy over one another that they literally want to connect to point of MERGE, and the product of it - a baby - is as much beside the point as the underlying point its very self!

I also don't think it's strange that you can't get excited over him any more. Even though consciously you're battling against the inevitable conclusion for all you're worth (irrespective of who or whether's in the frame), sometimes you can be so engrossed intellectually in solving the mystery itself of why they're not relating to you as they should - and/or just finding AN answer to an unanswered question you've already invested years chasing after - that you fail to pause for long enough to have it dawn on you that, all the while they've been slowly but surely kicking/freezing the romantic love out of you, meaning, even IF you don't particularly desire them any more, you're still determined to have answer (closure)....not least because it'd make doing the right thing all the more do-able for knowing it indeed was the right thing and the ONLY right (and healthy) thing.

But answer Susie first, if you please, because the fact is, I butted in (soz Susie).

Reply from HONESTRUTH on Jan 7 2017 at 06:14
- unregistered user
hi Irina,

I Asian, marries to a western white man.. i understand cultural side of things and from my personal experiences would like to share some thoughts and suggestions and ask dome questions.

firstly from what you have said, and reaching out and seeking help, it does sound love you both have a very loving and affectionate relationship.

i understand the age issue and wondering what to do and feeling of time running out. I was told that after 35 its gets a bit difficult to try an conceive even with IVF. but that said, there should be no reason why you cant look at IVF.

with regards to sexually satisfying a woman, not all women orgasm with sexual penetration/intercourse (enjoy). most women do through instead by clitoral stimulation or fingering inside/rubbing your gspot

If you can read up about it and perhaps tell him to have a read of ways to arouse you with his fingers and month/tongue/soft cock, with out him having to get hard and put it inside you, that will bring you both much satisfaction and him that he is able to satisfy you. who knows, seeing you excited might get him so aroused, that he wont need the viagra.

its hard in a proposal to feel sexually attracted, in the act, or to not feel so much pressure. no doubt he finds you an attractive woman, and cares for you deeply, but to get an erection is a different kind of mental thing, a place he will get to with romance, seduction and being in a 'adult relationship'. in a relationship you have 3 stages in a scale. in the middle is adult where you are both behaving like that and treating one like that. on the left is child- where you threat one as a child or lovely like that, and the other on the right is parent where one treats the other as one like that. so if he is treating you like a loving parent, and you are happy to receive his affection like a child (which is sweet and caring) this can also do damage to your sexual relationship and actually to starting a real relationship (since it was marriage through proposal) to make him want to lust for you and if is not issue medically but mentally to get hard, then you guys need to focus on no loger being like father and child affection buy as a man and woman affection. youre married for so long,

forget being shy, and seduce him.

go get your hair done, get a full body wax, wax/have/trim down there or have it clean however he will like it. dress up in the house for him. if you are living with in laws, then do so only in the bedroom if its a cultural thing. have a meal every day in the bedroom then if no privacy with him (date like) and make a rule that you are to complement each other and say only good things about each other. move from talking about personal things u like about him to physical looks about him that you like.

you said he was good looking but no sexual attraction. the role of this is to go from knowing you both are good looking to finding each other sexually attractive. by saying things in the comfort of just the two of you like- i think you have nice lips, kissable lips, and then he says i like the shape of your body, to then you saying i like his shoulders, him- your breast etc to then from saying about your features and his features to then you both talking about having those body bards against your body and what you like- etc i like your hands abound my waist, your palm on my face, or running your hands through my back, hair, spine etc... so you end up seducing each other any being naughty and acting them out in bed playfully, like u mean like this or closer? and being able to talk to each other like that.

guide him to hold u in intimate places and feel your body in intimate places and show encouragement and relax and enjoy the feeling. when he knows he is arousing you, it will arouse him, and it wont be a feeling of him feeling forced. when a guys feels under pressure he wont be able to get hard, so the goal is to built a adult level of intimacy, seduction and once he sees u are comfortable and he is able to saisfy you in other ways, it might help him with his issue- especially if its due to a mental black.

one of my lovers, so good at fingering me that as much as he looked forward to intercourse with his penis, i looked forward to his fingers instead. once i tod him that was the case for me, it drove him crazy to please me in that way many times. so dont worry, or think about leaving your husband that treats you so good. you just need to build an intimate relationship with him and see if that helps. i really think he's trying so hard and even to go get his laptop he must be desperate to get to the issue. dont take it as an offence. but only see it as him trying. try the daily or every few days the flirting and seduction as adults. dont talk to each other like parent and child. talk him about it and let him know you want to try this exercise..

talk to each other abut external stimuli- read up on and look a diagrams of all the parts of a womans genital and male genital area and read up on which ares when touched arouse (clitoral and vaginal- g-spot by fingering. for men dependant on foreskin or circumcised his level of sensitivity of the tip can hurt him if you do something too rough or can arouse him, blow job, hand job etc.read up, talk to him exited wanting to try it as oppose to it being a thing to try like a medication to see if it will work (dont put pressure/ try and have fun- watch a porn video of that being done so u both learn what to do) you both need to discover each others bodies and the only way to do that if is you find each other sexually attractive (in proposals thats is not something u get a chance for really- specifically when the man is a decent guy who wants to treat you with respect until there is a sexual attraction and love both ways than when you are forced into a room to do it and a man who cares not much for you but duty with have his way with you, before you are having those feelings. )so it can make a guy mentally unable to get it up when he cares deeply, and is waiting for a sexual attraction (again it doesnt mean he doesnt find you attractive- but to act on u sexually, he may be waiting till those feelings come but you guys need to nurture that side of your relationship. these things dont just happen. it will if the guy just wants to have sex with a woman and u are his wife he will just use u and do it, and then you both will just do it. but in your case it might be that your husband is trying to connect with you in that way before he can do it with you. and becase he has not, actually go to do the deed feel like pressure to get it up and put it in you. and he may have a mental block. and he maynot be thinking this deep to realise this might be the problem.

give seduction and being in an adult relationship behaviour a go. see if that helps. if it doesn't, dont worry, there are still other ways he can sexually please you- orally and with his hands. and when comfortable with a dildo. maybe then afer experiing something inside you, you will know what actually arouses you or pleases you more. you might be surprised. but for now take the pressure out, do some reading i suggested and the seduction exercise.

Keep me posted in a months time if it helped.

Reply from SAFFRON on Jan 7 2017 at 14:28
- unregistered user
Hi there, This is my first visit to this site as i was thinking of asking for advice for myself on a different topic and happened upon this post. If I may i'd just like to share my experience with a similar situation (although not anywhere near as severe in terms of relationship commitment).

I was lets say dating a guy (i'm a swinger/additional partners). This guy was probably one of the nicest guys I had met in a long time, we hit it off instantly our personality's matched perfectly. We were both sexually attracted to each other and enjoyed lots of flirtation. The first few meetings we had sex without any issue.

a few weeks down the line this guy went through a lot of mental stress due to work life/Ex/Money issues. He still initiated sexual relations but it took a lot longer for him to become erect and when he did penetrate he soon lost his erection. He couldn't even successfully 'finish' himself. The problem is with this happening he felt less of a man and worried he would never be able to preform again - this only added to the stress and make the problem so much worse.

We no longer have a relationship of any kind (not for this reason, just natural end) but we have remained strong friends. He has had a lot of good things happen recently and you could physically see he was happier in every day life. low and behold he now doesn't have anywhere near any issues in his sex life.

So a couple of things - One mental health issues show in many a way so its worth looking at this and see if you can look at any reasons for this first obviously you cant make him talk about this and it would only get better if it was admitted/acknowledged and help gained. The second thing that helped this guy with me was us doing other things with no penetration on the agenda once this was removed there was a lot less stress and things went better. I know you mentioned using fingers on yourself but not often and wasnt fully satisfying maybe you could look at this again. maybe he is not confident on what to do to make you satisfied (we all like different things) and worrying about that adds to the problem. You leading him for an example could be an option or making it clear which technique you like (think noises). if he could satisfy you by another means i'm sure this would greatly boost his confidence.

Any way apologies for the rambling post and i know our situations are not the same but maybe it might help a little.

Reply from WESLEY40 on Jan 11 2017 at 02:06
Member since: 11 January 2017
Gender: Male
Country: United States
I think this man is real lucky to have a woman who loves him the way you do. If you both experience deep empathy for each other then that is awesome. I have had sex, and I have had love with sex before. For me, love with sex is far better. I read somewhere that the brain plays a role in arousal in men, as well as women. When I loved someone and was with them sexually, I was enjoying myself, but wanted the woman to enjoy what I was doing for her, not just putting tab a into slot b, but active participation- making love. If you climax together that is the best. I do not have ed, but I am a recovering alcoholic, and when I was real drunk, I was not always as firm as I could be. Also, using a hand works better for me. I am not well endowed and some of the girls I was with did not stimulate me enough. Maybe performance anxiety could be associated with this ( I did not want to disappoint and leave feeling less than a man). I think that both of you together should see a doctor, and councilor who you can function through to get down to the root problem of this. If you can make it work, and you both figure out how to orgasm together then you will feel a real closeness and satisfaction. Trying to hide feelings and skirting around the problem will not make it go away. Keep it between you two and the professionals who are serious about helping. In the end he has a choice to be proactive, or possibly lose you. I think it would hurt both of you. I am not a professional, so if I am wrong here, someone straiten this out. Thanks.
Reply from ONTHEROAD on Jan 13 2017 at 03:11
Member since: 03 November 2016
Gender: Male
It is really funny what turns different people on and what might trigger an orgasm. It's not all physical. There is a lot of mental. "The Erotic Mind" is the best book I've read on these issues. If you can find what does it for him and you can both accept that, you might find a solution. I only replied because you requested information/references.
Reply from WINTERSUN on Jan 16 2017 at 21:03
Member since: 07 May 2015
Hi Irna,

I maybe totally wrong, but I am getting the feeling that you know what you want to do, and that is you want to leave your husband. But for a lot of reasons, loyalty perhaps family shaming plus your love for him (do you feel that your love is more similar to that of brotherly love?) Are you in fact turned on by him?) you choose to stay. On a lot of your posts that's the question you are asking ( I need to know that I can leave this situation and dint have to stick it out ) (I am 34 and wondering if it's too late to find a good partner) (My question is give up or try!)

I think that maybe when you came here you were hoping to find a solution, that maybe everyone would give the advice to leave and some did, but then you felt a little guilty. People who don't know your husband were telling you that the situation you are in, was not a marriage. So you then told how good he is, how nice he is.

And from reading what you say I don't think there is a 'Camilla" I think he has this sexual problem and because you have accepted the situation for so long, he possibly assumes that you will accept it forever. When he tells you not to leave, that he 'likes' you, hard as it is to think about, but he could also be thinking if you leave, with the problems he has, how will he meet anyone else? With you by his side he can continue to appear to the outside, that everything is 'fine' just as he keeps maintaining to the expensive therapist.

Nobody here can tell you what to do, you can read all the advice but at the end of the day it is your decision, your life. If your gut instinct is telling you nothing is going to change then leave and yes maybe you won't meet Mr Right but at least you will know, if you stay thinking things will change and they don't, well then you will always be wondering what or who you missed.

Best of luck whatever you decide

Reply from HARRY888 on Jan 18 2017 at 07:56
Member since: 08 October 2016
Gender: Male
The first thing that strikes out is that he has lied to you on your face Irina. A man would know if he can achieve erection or not. If he says that he doesn't get aroused sufficiently by seeing a women then why did he marry you in the first place ? I am completely aware of how a arranged marriage system works. It is very natural for you to look for a man who will be nice to you, who will take care of all your needs, who love you the most.. but that does not pardon him for his wrong doings. If he knew that he had a problem before he got married to you, why did he not open his mouth at that point of time ?

You talk about "HIM" wanting to have many kids and all. The way i look at this is that for him this situation is just perfect. He has a wife who will tolerate his dysfunction, his lies, will put up a smiling face for him, will take care of his kids. In return he just has to do a few chores and be nice to you. So before you start feeling guilty about being disloyal to your husband, you need to get a rain check.

Am sure he is a good provider of the home and makes sure you get all your materialistic needs. But that is not what all you want out of life. You want a life of happiness that you had always dreamed off. You want a life that is going to count.

As all the others on this thread have explained to you, his medical condition is going to remain the same. Maybe there is some corrective surgery to this, maybe there isn't. But the fact is that "HE" needs to make the effort to figure out how he can improve that situation. He needs to take the initiative to improve his deficiency, not you.

I too am a firm believer of holding on to my partner for what ever ups and down's life shows me. Life can never be perfect. It is not joke to play with someones emotions like this. Just because you are sympathetic by nature doesn't mean that you don't deserve a happy life. If he is not showing any signs of wanting to improve the situation, then why should you stick up for him ? Because he is a loving person, because he makes sure that your materialistic needs are taken care off ? Is that all you want from life ? And lets assume that he is a nice guy. Lets assume that he is utterly genuine. So then why did he not be honest with you from the start of this relationship ? Arranged marriages are no different from any other love marriages. The only difference is that in arranged marriages your parents connect the both of you. Your parents didn't tell you to be naive while making the choice.

I have a slightly fair idea about how it feels like when you have a deficiency in your body. I am 30 years old and i have recently developed a hearing deficiency. I have a loss of sound of about 60%. This has also resulted in having an impact psychologically. This has made me being more silent than before. But now that i know that i have this problem, i have taken corrective steps. I make an extra effort to solve this problem. I shall be getting a corrective surgery for my ears soon. But more importantly, whenever i do meet person that i choose to get married, i will be honest about my deficiency.

I know it is very easy for one to write that you should get a divorce from this guy. But i also understand that there a trillion implications of doing this. So i really wont so easily tell you to get one. But i would firmly ask you to pan out your options here. The two main important points that you need to consider are, firstly he lied to you about his deficiency before getting married to you. Secondly, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being unsatisfied ?

The dilemma of finding another partner, the probability of finding one is a difficult road. And there are no assurances that things will get better in the second partner that you find. But then, by not being with him will give you an opportunity to atleast find for someone who loves you equally the way you love him. Time flies away with a blink of an eye. So maybe you should take your options while they are still available.

Its wrong for me to ask you this and am unsure if you have ever been with another man ever before. But that feeling of having someone wanting you so badly, is excellent. That feeling that you both share with each other makes the struggle of life worth while. I wish there was a dignified way for a person like you to experience this feeling.

There are plenty of things that you need to really sit and consider before you take your next step. He genuinely might be a good guy with a erection deficiency. The fact is that are you willing to live your life happily with this being there ?

Hope this helps

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 23 2017 at 19:16
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
(Let's hope she's still reading, Harry, because that truly was an award-winning post!)
Reply from ALSOSUSAN2 on Feb 13 2017 at 08:27
Member since: 09 February 2017
Why not consider aides as you stated you loved him very much. Not trying to be flip or light..but get a book on gratification. There is more than one way to go about this.

Perhaps it was already said as an alternative, but you both might still find a level of satisfaction.

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