Something is wrong
The story below was wrote by me few weeks ago. There was one major thing happend on my Christmas holidays last week, but I feel like you should read this first. Oh, this life. Where is the point of it? What am I doing here? I left home 18 in a different country. Long way from home. Friends. Familiy in a first place. At first it was okay. It was still me. Party boy. Love living every moment of life, making new friends. Found a job. (My goal is to became a chef as I finished cooking school). As time passed I wasnt really going anywhere. I was smoking weed, everyday. Alone. I stopped making friends, not that I didnt want to. You cant just ask someone to hangout just because you are in need. Time passed I was getting crazy in my head. I was paranoid, alot. My flatemates speaking in a different language, ofc I dont understand it, but I am conviced they are talking about me. But what? Bad things. It keept going like this for 2 mounts. It fck me up real good. Then it was time to go home, vaycay. Sister was getting married. I came home, my family knew I was coming. And few friends. It was much different for me. I used to be popular in my group of people, school, party. Girls. I had alot of girls. I pretty good looking guy. More than that. I know it. And Im totally humble. Im very polite person. I have standards. My parents raised me good. Gave me everything I ever needed. I believe in God. My mother raised me in that way. I go to confession at least once a year. Back home I was going to church every sunday. But I'm a sinner as well. I did drugs. At age of 16 I was dealing weed. I didnt really had a reason for it. I guess I liked the role. And I also like smoking it. But when my parents found out I was felling bad. Not because I got caught, but the look in their eyes. My son, dealing drug. How could you do it son. My mother was crying, my father was disapointed. And if anything ever hurt me. It was seeing my parents sad. Nothing else can hurt me. But that. ..... Back to the story, vaycay.. Came home, I was happy to see my family, more than that. Havent seen the in a mounts. Meet my two mates, we went drinking, smoking weed. But there is nothing more there, we were just smoking and drinking, there is no emotional connection. But better any than non, right? My sisters wedding day came, the weather was nice, all my family at one place. My family is quite big, I have one brother he have two sons, I have 3 sisters of which two of them have a daughters. And this other sister F. was getting married. And there we are. Wedding, right. Everyone's happy but me. Why? I dont know, thats the thing. Whats wrong with me.... Wedding ceremony is finished, now it's party time, 200 people drinking and eating at one place. Dance. I was at the table with my family. Enjoy talking with them. But the talk is just a talk. How is job, how is place you live, have you met any girls. Again, I dont have any emotional talk. Who do I talk to about my problem. My sister F was always the one for that, but still I cant just tell her what I feel. Why she has to know that, why would she bother? She is my sis, but you cant just say something that is eating you out. And there we are on a wedding everyone is having a great time, I could tell. But why not me? I was sitting at the same place all night, just went for a few smokes. I drank only two beer. And that is way more different then it was. Im watching people dancing, there was some good looking girls there, very nice. Few of them were checking me out as I was them. But I didnt go for it. I was just sitting. Then it was time to go home, because my brothers sons and my sisters daughters are young and its sleeping time. It was around 1am. And party lasts untill dawn on every wedding. Tradition. So everyone want to go home. And theres me. Just wanted to be there with them and my sisters wedding, seeing her happy. She was happy indeed. I went to her table and said we are about to go. And she wanted me to stay. I said that I do want to but, everyone of mine is leaving so my table is empty. She said she will send me to the other one, there were some people of my age. But you cant just go there now. I knew, that if I go there I will keep on sitting and being wierd. So I said to here sorry Im also very tierd, lets call it a night, I said I was happy about her. She said if you go I'll be mad on you. She noticed my change, I'm looking at her eyes and she in mine. And she see. So I just left with others, feeling like shit on a way to motel. Came into my room, look myself in a mirror, deep. Dont know what to think. Was very sad for leaving my sisters wed. So I had a good cry. Guy crying, who would even imagine that I every cried. Noone would believe that. So tomorrow I see my sister on a lunch at hers housbands parents house. And again there I am just sitting, pretending to be happy. I go out for a smoke. My sister F comes to me and ask. Whats wrong brother? You know you can always talk to me. And I couldnt. I said, sorry not now as I was almost crying. If I start talking I'll drop a tear. And she sees me cant talk, wet eyes. I said, please, well talk about it. So we did, over text msgs. I said to her. I dont know what I want, I dont know what do I live for. To go to work everyday. I told her I have noone in Ireland anymore. As she left. I had one friend, good one and noone else. She said you can came back home, you know you always can. But its not that simple. My vaycay ended had a cry with my mother telling her we wont see for a while. Said goodbye to everyone, took my flight and came back to Ireland. Landed. I met my only friend A. We had a few beers and around 4-5 joints in two hours time. (It's not much) But what happend. We were thinking about taking a place together. And on that day he was pushing to talk about it, how much money and stuff. He have better paid job than me so he is in a better position to pay for a thing. Not me, ofc if I want to save money. So I said I cant really think about it. But he keep on pushing. I asked myself "Is it possible that my sister said something to him as I told her he is my only friend and we are thinking about renting a new place. So he says he is gonna take 2k euro credit so we get the place. I said I dont agree, I cant affort to pay 850 euros for a rent every mount. There is also food, work transport and stuff. I would not have any money at the end. So he was pissed. He felt like I stabbed him in a back. Came to my flat, no roommates. What I think, that they left it just for me, because Im sad little kid without anyone, they all decided to give me a flat on my own for a mount. There I was, in a flat, sitting on a floor, all fcked up. Had a small cry agina while thinking how I had to levave my sweet home. At the same time thinking how there is a hidden cameras in a flat, and everyone is watching. After a few minutes I got to myself, was clear again. On that day I decided to stop smoking weed, cigarettes. I didnt drink because I had noone to go out with. It was 5.10.2016. the day I relized I'm kinda fcked in a head. I knew all is false because I actully asked my sister if she said something to A. I said if you are my sister you are going to tell me if you did? So I stopped with weed, I kinda stopped hanging out with A because, all the time we were together we smoked weed. Only sometimes we would go for a lunch, coffee ect. And he is also pissed on me about the flat. So it was two weeks how I stopped smoking and A was very respective about it. He acted well on me. And I was clear in my head. When I smoke weed its very intense, I've noticed, the feeling, crazy, like a bad dream. But when I am clear Im not so paranoic, only somethimes. In case I do something bad. For example. Read this shit. I came from holiday everyone on a work are looking at me. Why? As I was leaving before vaycay I said to me work kol how Im planing to leave Ireland because rents are bad and I dont like it(still my plan, going to ger, swiss or austria in my because one year of work on paper is okay. Started in May, came in April) and as she was a bit of bit.h on a work, she have big history. So. I m on work, all the sudden mng. changes my roster into washing shift. So, it started parania. Why would he do that. And I started thinking shit. In a mount before I connected to a workplace wifi used to go on yt to listen or even dl music, to make thing worse, it was not tipical music, I would search on classic music like, choppin, mozart, mahler... And all of them would be tragic ones. Why? Just because I like how it sounds, because I really do. They internet history was big so it would only made be even wierder. I mean, which 18-yrs old kid does that. So one time I wrote what to do If employee is cutting your hours or not counting hrs like he should. So I tought this was it, this is why he did it. So it started even more. I started hearing shit. I heard my mng said "Oh no this is not because of youtube. So I was all fcked in a head. Telling myself I was gonna lose job. Ofc I will. I see, november is ending of my 6 mnts contract. So I said I wanna take some holidays on ending of OCT. Filled in my form and my mngr. chuckles in my face. What should I think? So October was passing, and I dont know what to expect, because noone is saying anything about my Hdays. Can I get them or not. And I remember asking my mngr once a week about it. And he would always say Yeaaah, I have to check with your Chef on it. So at the same time Im thinking about that search history. One day, finally. Chef and mngr talkin in a kitchen. Im there doin my job. Chef says we have to talk about holiday. I said okay, as soon as I finish my task. There were few tasks before I asked him hey G what you were sayin. -What? -About holiday, I said. He says youll get it. I said, so why all this waiting. He said, oh G(no.2) was just taking a piss. So that day I connected again. Just went on google and wrote in search. How to notice if your chef is gay. How to know if your chef is an alcoholic. (He is gay, he also likes to drink something on work). There was two days before starting my 5 day Hday(took it cause my friend M came to visit we also went to concert, and its she not he). Im in a kitchen there is chef and mngr(no.2) they are getting a new guy on work. Why? Its odd. We have enuff staff. His position is same as mine. So mngr says, two more days and we fck him out. And there is two day before my Hday. G(chef) says, - Is all the paperwork done? He says yes. -Grand. What do I think. Crazy right. At same day Im on my break praying for keeping my job more then for my niece V( sisters daughter 2 yrs old, she was diagnosed Leukemia in October. But I do pray for her. ... Again on same that day Im by the door G asks V(mngr(no.3)) if she is going for a smoke, she says yes. And they are passing by me. She says - you know, i never prayed for my job. And thats what I heard. So Im thinking that they have double mirror in a changing room. (Its a nursing home so you never know)(its also very high tech kitchen and full of cameras). Mirror is also attached with screw on a wall. So yoi cant move it. When I goy Hdays I also wrote "got them" in google on their wifi. And day tomorrow im about to do the roster and I said I dont need that big holiday so I took less and said to G if you need me I can take less. So I did. So it was stupid. I wanted my Hdays, when i got them I write that and then I take less. So it felt like everyone know about it on work, some more some less. So I go to google write "they see me trollin, they hatein". Crazy I am. So time passed, nothing was happening. Job was good as always, my roster was all morning time shifts which means i get to do food prep. which is good for my exp. and also its not washing dishes. So yeah, its great at the moment. Im 7 everyday. So? Was it real? Or not? How can I know? There was some few more issues some bigger some smallet I had few breakdowns. Smoking cigarettes again. Weed only sometimes, but when I do, its intense parania in my head. I would like to write more but Im kinda tierd, there is things. I think Im a psyho.
"I think Im a psyho."
Then why not get some professional help?
(you really do exhibit some signs of depression and a reaction to using pot that is not good)
Your sisters and friends are not therapists. Don't expect them to be able to solve your problems.
Bring in some help for yourself.