Why can't he love me?
LONELYHEART864 - Jan 1 2017 at 10:45
I was recently married in July 2016, to a man who would do anything for me. But, he never does anything romantic, even on our honey moon. He never tells me I'm beautiful. All he says is if I weren't attracted to you then I wouldn't be with you.
He buys me things constantly even though I tell him not to. Recently I've been very unhappy. He won't touch me like he used to. I found out he's been watching porn when I go to bed before him.all of this makes me feel worthless and not good enough.and when I say that I don't feel good enough he gets angry and tells me to stop and I need to changr because there's no reason to feel that way.I don't understand why I'm not enough and why he just can't love me.
I don't think that means he doesn't love you, he just doesn't use words! But I think I can understand that you want reassurance from him or for him to tell you. Have you tried telling him how unhappy you really are?
Constantly buying you things is his way of showing you so don't tell him not to, that probably frustrates him because he clearly finds it hard to say it in words.
He's the one with the disabilities, including a problem with expressing his feelings in a more woman-friendly manner and confirming out-loud his heart's in your hands (as it should be), not you.
You wanted a marriage, not an overactive Amazon Delivery Man, eh.
Okay, he's demonstrative in practical ways that don't really light your candle for how (to you) he's getting THINGS to say what a husband himself should be capable of saying to his own love-of-life or, better yet, using both measures as a dual aspect job to provide unwavering believe-ability. I mean, does he suppose husbands bring bouquets home and just hand them over to their wives without any verbal accompaniment whatsoever?
It's the porn bit, though (despite the two things are linked). You don't expect to take singleton habits into a marital relationship unless she's as much into that sort of thing as you are (and how exceptionally lucky for you if she is!). Only, you're not. You've made it very clear you hate it and it upsets you majorly.
Is his attitude, why should he cease or commence doing X Y or Z when you do nothing but complain at him all the time? Or is it that he's always had this habit and, the fact he won't give it up for his wife's and ultimately his own sake, is because unbeknownst to you he was all along addicted to it, making it a case of would be watching it even if you were tripping over yourself in gratitude over these 'love-tokens'?
You might be really into going to 'cruising grounds' like nightclubs with your single girlfriends for a good ol' bop, thereby leaving yourself open to being 'stolen' from him. But would you still keep that up after tying the knot, even if your husband said it were completely unacceptable and overly inappropriate to him? Would you say, 'Ach, it's you - you've got a problem, you need to change instead of trying to stop me who is doing nothing wrong' and continue as you were? Does he want this 'change' to be another husband entirely, is that what he's saying? Or doesn't he believe it could ever come to that?
If your wife's going as far as saying she believes her very husband doesn't love (her) properly or is incapable - even a mere 5 months into the marriage(!!!) - then, as a man in the Husband Material domain, YOU'VE FAILED already.
So how come you went ahead with marrying him in the first place? For how long did you inspect and test-drive him for before handing your precious cash over to the car showroom?
I don't understand why so many people have problems wiyh porn. When one draws the line and the other isn't going to stop, secrets become a part of the relationship and communication suffers. Porn doesn't mean there is any problem with you, period.
Tell him you want to watch with him. Maybe you get hot together. At least you can talk about what you see. It's a way to know him better and maybe prevent or solve a problem. Don't let anything prevent communication.
Hi! Some advice to you maybe you need to spice things up in the bedroom. Try different things like get toys involved, role play, and maybe watch porn with him. Trust me it's fun for the both of you if you both commit .
Told my BF early in the relationship that porn was a "total deal breaker". He made me an elaborate promise to stop. When I discovered the lie I was heartbroken and he swears to be he isn't doing it, but it's so easy to find. The porn is secondary....it's the lie. If a relationship should be based on trust, how do you every regain the trust after repeated lies. I now found out again that he's into it and I have to make a very difficult decision. Tell him I know and end it. Seems so drastic but I'm just never going to accept it. So I'm about to lose my best friend. Or, I can say nothing and live with it knowing he's a liar and a porn addict.
Sounds like you both have different ways of communicating love and as things tend to happen when married or in long term relationships, the infactuation phase ends, he gives up 'the chase' and is settled. Two very helpful books to read 'Getting the Love you Want' by Harville Hendrix and 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman.
My husband and I have been married for two years. He quit talking to me about a year and a half ago....we are like roommates now :( However, before the roommate thing started he quit having sex with me and started jerking himself off even though I never denied him sex. Ever! In fact, I like sex far too much....anyways. I know how you feel about him watching porn rather than having sex with you. It's degrading and hurtful. If your husband allows you to, talk to him about and it how it makes you feel. Never be assumptive nor disrespectful. Just say when you watch porn without involving me it makes me feel x,y,z. I wish my husband would have taken the time to hear me out but whenever I try to talk to him he stares at his phone or the tv and never says a word back. I hope your husband doesn't start doing that to you......it's lonely and painful. Guess that's why I'm on this site lol
Men have a difficult time with communication, so I'm told over and over. Well, that's rough. We have a difficult time putting up with the silent treatment and trying to live a reasonable life. I'm leaving my porn-lover. It's the lying and deceit that makes it so bad. How many time do you forgive? How many broken hearts is enough? I read that nearly 300,000 divorces in 2014 cited porn as a causative factor in the divorce. It's creepy too. These women are barely out of their teens and these old guys want women half their age. So let him have it, I'm moving on. This has been a gut wrenching decision, but it's the only one I can live with. If it helps, I understand your pain and frustration.
OTR, try this analogy on for size, maybe it'll help?...
Imagine you're offered a dream job by a successful, celebrity-grade entrepreneur as his all-round, male personal assistant, i.e. Right Hand Man. There's a lot of kudos attached to the position (so your family and friends are very proud), as well as an enviable, formal, exclusive privilege (use of his private limo upon request) that no other PA you know of gets. Being such a celeb, it's not uncommon for the paparazzi to appear here and there, trying to get inside information.
He tells you he doesn't need anyone other than yourself working for him and, anyway, he's aware you're the best in the industry, hence, never will....You're the only right-hand man for him, Amen!...gush-gush, lick-lick...
So you take the job...a job which, incidentally, relies on it being just you and he as an exclusive twosome team, no outside interference or influence.
So 'once-in-a-lifetime' is this position that you sign a *lifelong* contract, breakage of which on your part - including resignation or "constructive dismissal" - would cost you all of your life-savings to-date, your house, and obviously your pride. Effectively, you'd be homeless and career-less.
However many months or a year later, with you firmly established and invested, career-wise, as well as in the middle of a giant, super-important project that you feel is on its way to being in the bag, you walk into his office to catch him watching recorded footage of other, personal assistants (closely similar to your ilk and duties if not exact height of grade) busy at their duties, clearly getting off on it...huge grin on his face, enthusiastic comments and air-punches, like, 'Wow, that's what you *call* a personal assistant!' and 'Yeah, nice one, GED IN THERE, MY SON, whoo!'. Somehow it simultaneously comes to light that he's *paying* these other assistants to keep sending him all this footage, including their doing bits and bobs of *what should be your extra, commission/bonus-earning workload* behind the scenes (which could seriously jeopardise the project), and, yep, letting them have use of the limo (as explains why you couldn't book it 'that time and that time' when you'd wanted and needed).
All of that is bad enough, but - he'd assured you originally, most apologetically and beseechingly, that he wouldn't ever be able to afford to match the salary and perks your skillsets technically demanded in today's market, but of course would if he humanly-possibly could.
So you have it out with him and remind him that it was supposed to always just be you and he. But he won't play ball, won't promise to cease this activity and start paying you your nett worth deficit and/or the shortfall of what he should have been paying you all along. To your horror, he even starts dispensing with the headphones, meaning, every day at your desk you can now *hear* him "admiring" these other PAs. You're now constantly aware but powerless to do a thing about it unless you wish to put your life seriously back.
How do you feel? Knowingly duped? De-valued? Disrespected? Cheated? Treated like a captive slave? What does this do to your morale, both in the immediate and long term?
OK people, you have a choice in a relationship. You can look at it like you have the right to tell your SO that certain things, even things that don't directly involve you, are off limits. They can't do those things or the relationship is over. I woud include critism of their ideas, character, interest, friends, or family in that. You are creating non-communication zones. You are inviting them to withdraw and establish parts of their life away from you.
On the other hand, you could say that anything that my loved one finds interesting must have some value and you can ask to share what they think and feel. You create something shared by you. You invite them to live in your world and bring their world.
When someone says, "My wife/husband quit communicating", I think they were encouraged. People don't do that for no reason.
personally, i think you should not be in this marriage but annul it. you can go together for relationship counselling to talk about how this is disrespecting you and making you feel less of a woman.
A husband or lover makes you feel wanted, loved, honored and cherish. does he make u feel this? a man can buy you things if he has the money. so can he pay for a maid tolook pretty and be around the house if what he need is company. some guys want a girl to feel better about themself. not that they want them in their life because they cant imagine not being around them and sharing their life with them.
trust me, if you meed another guy, when not with your husband, and he makes u feel beautiful, and desired, you will easily fall for him and cheat on our husband and you will do it, and even if it is that the guy u are cheating on is doing it just for sex, you will be that person- his sex slave and wanting to be so because he is giving you the attention your huband is not. that is how sexual affairs start.
guy watch porn, so do women, some say it openly, some dont and hide it. you can be married and not have sex frequently. and guys will jack off in the bathroom. and they do so not always thinking about their wife but another.
how many woman out are there who are married but wishing they were with another man, and not doing it becase they are married or becase they have thought if they have a family things will change.. you are young and new to this. dont waste your time.
tell you husband, the way he is now, you can easily fall for another man who gives you the attention you so deeply seek from him
try and understand, this is a life long commitment you have made. if you guys were dating would be be with him if you didnt make you feel like a goddest and the sexiest woman? what hope do you have that he will be faithful to you if you are a newly weds and he is like this? you guys should be in your honeymoon period.
i married a man who was my best friend, sex was okay, he said i was pretty and what not. but i though what you neede in marriage is a best friend. but to this day he hasnt made me feel attactive like- a guy who cant keep his hands off me, haat said wow when he saw me naked and blushed and said thinks like i bring him to his knees in love. lust and desire... these word were all said to me by another man. and to this day though i love my husband, not a day goes by i dont wish to have tat sexual intimacy with the other as he made me feel so good and empowering. ive been with my husband for 10 years. and during that whole time and to this day the other guy has had girlfriends but none that showed he was serious or into them and always has been dropping me a line to see how i was and to let me know that i still cross his mind. and if i' being honest- if not for he many years of history that i have with my husband (havent had a good sexual one, just other stuff history) not a day goes by that i dont think of the other guy and some times i wish to just meet up with him and have that which my husband doesnt. its not the actual sexual act that i desire but that look at me, those words that shows or tells me that i'm wanted, desired, attractive. hence i've not acted on it. but have waited and aked and tried so much to have him open up to say such things, to me, but like your husband he too is the same. if not for the fact i dont associate much or try to stay away from men as my husband is a jelous type, i dont think if mine was the trype that didnt care, that i would have been fathful.
speak to your husband, or prnt out a sheet on why people cheat, and let him knnow the dangers, see if that wakes him up. and if he can tell you the thinkgs wyou so scretrly wish to hear. if he doent feel that way about you end it.
My marriage appart from him being my best friend, is lonely, and resentful. and childless. and once u have been together for so long, its hard to leave and to start a new. you will only feel you can do it if its that you had another waiting to immediately move in with (which means an affair)but then any decent guy and including you wont act on it, with a decent guy, ecase it wll make you feel like a horrible person, and bring about mistrust in a relationship and broken values. speak to yoour husband, tell him your fears and take it from there.
i'm currently thinking about divorce, but aftr so long, its really frightening about starting all over again and dating and being independant. u on the other hand havent been dependant on him for so long. so bring these concerns to surface- go for therapy - if in the UK, Relate or if you have comany medical bupa or what ever, to get councelling and see.
nut becareful. if you are no to porn watching together and acting it out- f its doesnt get u off ar it feel like u are an instrument and u dont want it- dont do it.
my frinnd felt like an opject, a fantacy her husband was acting on her, he didnt see her but the reenactment of the port and she was just doing it to please him- she didnt get anything out of it. so she's miserable and feels like just his sex object and their relationship is one where u can see it in her eyes they are both not content like a healthy loving, supportive, couple. dont let this happen to you. we live and share our life wit the man we marry. if he doesnt bring out the best in you, and make you feel like a woman, then dont. even an escort, gets taken and wines and dines and bought stuff, and told they are beautiful and desired. dont let just buying you stuff be thought of a going to make your marriage work. it wont. you will cheat on him and it wont be nice, you ight as well address it or not be in it if things dot change.
Hi I didn't want it to come to this but I don't know what Else to do so maybe somebody on here can help me am 28 with to kids to a man I have been with 11 years he was like my best friend aswell as my boyfriend I feel like my relationship is ready to go as it's already died. I just don't feel like am th one he wants anymore it's kills me inside but it's getting to th point were I can't take it anymore for my kids sake alls we do is argue he starts it every time over petty little things then he starts calling me for alsorts to put me down like call me fat says that he's only with me coz of th kids coz I can't look after them but he goes to work 5 days aweek so I don't understand y I can't look after them am not a bad mum. I have been on depression for 2 years don't have much of a family really that bother with me. An like he never takes me out only plans nights out with his mates I mind th kids. He says he don't take me out coz I make a show of him but I don't go out to make a show of him I can't win am here in this site to see if it's just me with a bad life please some on help me I just feel like a bad loser / joke/ freek
We most certainly will try however it might be a good idea for you to start your own thread. If you have any problems starting one we'll help.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Here is my thought on this, being recently divorced and being the non-communicating husband in this scenario.
1. Know thy self - What do you truly find meaningful in a relationship? How do you show love? 5 languages of love test wil help you if you aren't 100%
2. Know your partner - Seek to understand how he thinks, what interests him, what annoys him. Don't judge.
3. Don't attack him in arguments - You can complain until your blue in the face to him and it will only come off as nagging and he will withdraw. When discussing problems always focus on how his actions make you feel. "I love you very much and when you (insert issue) , it makes me feel (insert emotion) because (insert reason)." Ask him to share if there is anything you do that makes him feel a certain way. Also make sure to reinforce the things that you both do that makes you happy.
We all have certain behaviors that make up who we are and the more you tried to understand each other in depth, the more healthy your relationship will be.
Quick summary of my experience.
I was the distant husband. My behavior gets lost in thoughts, ideas and possibilities. This would end up in causing me to neglect my relationships. When I say, I love you, I mean it and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, if I knew what it was the other wanted. I don't like my love or loyalty being questioned, however I know now that some people need constant reassurance. My wife cheated on me and I "forgave" her. I now know that my loyalty and love for her could never be the same and I never truly forgave her. Although I seem as cold and distant as the ocean, my emotions are just as deep. I too showered my family with gifts, it's how I showed love, providing for my family. I suspect if you communicate clearly to him about how his actions make you feel, he will feel bad about how his actions because the last thing he wants is to hurt you. Before, my wife cheated on me , she would constantly nag me and attack me, even in counseling sessions. I would do the things that she asked and she would still complain that I didn't. After I rattled off all the things that I did that she wanted, she would get upset and find something else to complain about. This made no logical sense to me. As far as touching, we would have sex at least 5 times a week, porn was never an issue. Sometimes people just aren't happy with where they are in life and they project. I own my actions and their contribution to our divorce.
Your feelings are valid and so are his. Hope this helps, good luck.
It's not complicated, peeps...
If you have a habit or addiction that, you're aware (because you're not Forrest Gump), most see as distinctly anti-marital/relationship aka a deal-breaker then you should reveal that fact in full during the dating stage, *before* the point where you can tell the other person is falling for you, let alone already hooked. If you fail to and leave them to discover it by themselves, you've basically anywhere between misled and conned the other into getting embroiled emotionally, practically and fiscally in a relationship with you. So don't act all surprised once they wake up to what's what and you get a reaction that seems slightly over-the-top, because, as Sad Tulip pointed out, it's [also] the lies and deceit.
Different if you *did* more than just mention it in passing at the time yet for whatever reasons (e.g. desperation, impulsivity of nature or over-estimating their thick-skinned-ness and resilience) the woman neither objects nor rejects. Then, for her to later down that line, i.e. when you're hooked, start protesting and letting it negatively affect relations becomes her unfairness towards *you*.
Back to the first scenario... So you were misled/conned. That doesn't give you the right to start committing adultery. Never MIND how cruel and devastating it is for your partner when (not if) they find out, it's what it does - permanently - to you. Self-harming without the blade, as unavoidably places you a good few leagues lower (thereby attracting a lower counterpart).
Fear of the unknown (despite it isn't even that - you were once single or independent prior to meeting them, were you not) should be no barrier because...well, TODAY is that very unknown future you feared however many years ago and... now that you're here, it's hardly bad enough to stop you making a break today, is it. Same for fear of finding yourself alone forever. Ha-ha! You don't HAVE that 'choice' or control and power. You AND the countless other potential candidates out there with chemistry that works with yours are programmed like heat-seeking missiles, meaning, it's just a numbers and being outdoors (or online) enough game until you and s/he cross paths (with the compatible chemistry doing the rest, even the talking or not minding the other's awkwardness or 'quirky looks' or extra weight, etc., for you) So again - not if, WHEN...love will get you whether you want it to or not!
The only *fairly* valid fear is of Change - a package of such in one fell swoop as opposed to how we normally do one lifestyle item alteration at a time. But we're programmed to cope and manage and so cope and manage we do... usually surprising ourselves in the process, which itself is down to the fact we failed to consider or imagine: how much LIGHTER, MORE ENERGETIC, MORE CONFIDENT AND CLEVER AND ATTRACTIVE-FEELING we would pretty instantly become once that 'monkey was off our back', whereupon you realise you had a one *on* it (ergo, no wonder you were constantly too knackered and unable to get on with making progress in your own life!). So, ironically enough, breaking-up itself is what quickly makes the breaking-up and moving on surprisingly entirely do-able...which is "The" gauntlet run to greater happiness with a much better match.
Yes, it'll hurt - for a while. But, no pain, no gain. (So did childbirth, eh, as a case in point.)
Cheating is futile and downright STUPID, a slippery slope to Far Worse Off-ville. Even just in your head (an emotional affair that has too much in common with a bloke getting off on actual footage, *NOTE*).
If you're unhappy in your marriage, be the brave grown-up that makes the extent of it crystal clear to your partner so as to give them every chance to cooperate with you in fixing it, and, if they won't/can't (same thing) - part and thereby make it possible for each of you to find your much better match thus a far happier and inspiring - AND PASSION-FILLED - present and future....with, ultimately, happier kids as a result (assuming you also do your duty in helping them to get through and come to terms with it).
Not even worrying about your kids is a valid fear: If you fix it thus get to stay, it's better for your kids. If fixing isn't an option thus you divorce, it's better for your kids. What's BAD for your kids is doing nothing, leaving them to continue day-in-day-out sponging up, both overtly and subliminally, a mental template fashioned by a mum and dad with a cold, so-so or drama-filled relationship. Because nine times out of 10, that's the model they'll involuntarily seek out for themselves (what goes around, comes around).
Any more mere fears I can blow out the water for anyone?