I'm not even sure if I know how to express this in a matter that would make anyone understand but if you try and answer I'll be very happy. I need any input, if just a couple of words, to try moving forwards. And English aren't my mothers tongue so questions about what the heck I'm trying to say are welcome. This might also become a story without any questions. If that's the case I hope I realize something while writing it.
I was living rather happily in a relationship. We had a house, car and two careers that wasn't all to shabby. I was 33 and my ex 29. It was far from a perfect relationship but I was sure that we would live together for a long while. I wasn't that happy at my work though and we, together as a couple, took the decision for me to look for a new job over x-mas/new years while living on her salary. We had studied while together so the money "problem" wasn't anything new or even a problem at all. But the day before my first unemployed Monday she said that she wasn't sure of what she wanted anymore regarding to me and her. No warning signs that it was this bad; just "I don't know how I feel.". We had a wonderful summer together where we traveled in Europe. I thought we were in love.
So, Monday. No job. That was planned and all I got to do now is to find another job that I really like. Oh, and also a new f*****g life. I didn't sleep at all that night and when she went to work, and I was left alone in our house, but the day had to move forward. I wasn't even THAT dissatisfied of my work but I had, a month earlier, quit because of me and my now ex plan for me to get a job I really like. The situation was like this:
* No income
* No home
* No gf
* No apparent future
A week went where we discussed things but didn't fight as much as I thought we should. I think we both knew that it was already over. Next Sunday, a week after the initial horrible night, we broke up. She initiated and I wasn't interested in living in a relationship if she wasn't 100 % sure of me and her. I handled it by becoming very pragmatic, logical and vigorous. I actually think I saw the whole thing as a challenge that I could master. Might have been a coping method/reaction. Might have been all at once.
As if the break up wasn't bad enough the holidays made everything worse. But we managed to get through. I slept in a down stare bedroom and made that my room. She wasn't allowed in. I needed my private space and was also given that. I bought a new bed and a couple of other things just to make it "my" environment. We didn't talk at all at this phase. Maybe a "good night" if I heard her outside my door but most often silence. It just didn't feel like anything we would have said would have helped.
First thing that (in my eyes at least) wasn't a failure of setback was that I through family friends could went a small apartment in the center of the city. My ex handed back my part of the down payment on the house but it wasn't enough just to buy something. I could have borrowed money, the option was there, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel anchored in that situation and a rental was the only viable option in my mind. I moved out and I also found a job that I thought would be ok that I started the week after I moved out. The job was in sales and I've worked with similar questions in many years so I at least was able to start working without any learning curves. The move from the house was quick and painless.
Feb - May 2016
A kind of blissful period. It didn't feel as bad as before, I cried less and started to spend more time with friends. It felt like life was returning to me even though I wasn't happy with my situation. I still lived in a small, cramped, apartment that wasn't mine, worked at a job that was ok for now and it still hurt a lot from the break up.
Felt better and now, when I'm thinking back on it, I really don't know where it went. I must have had fun though because I spent the most time with friends. I didn't travel anywhere but I had a good summer nonetheless.
This is where I start feeling sad again. I had an ok spring (mostly good) and a rather great summer where I had fun and made new memories. Now the reality was starting to catch up. That was how I felt. The job I had wasn't a great job and that was clear from the day I accepted it. I didn't really want to work in sales at any level, I studied logistics and purchasing to change career, and I was getting tired of it. My boss was also noticing that something was up which didn't make anything better. This was also where I thought more and more about "what could have been". BUT one BIG thing that saved me BIG TIME was that I managed to get myself my own rental apartment. I bigger one with a balcony, great rent and location with every room newly painted. Talk about a great feeling to be able to lock MY OWN DOOR with MY OWN NAME on it! Now if I only wasn't feeling as crap about the job.
I looked for new jobs and was enthusiastic. Jobs had never been a problem before so why would it now. Right? Well, I don't know why but I went on three interviews but didn't get any position. I applied for more jobs than that but wasn't called to any interviews. I realize this might only be a bad period, not the least considering the holidays, but it really sent me down the spiral. The more time that goes by the more preussare I feel from my current job that know's I'm looking for another. I also found out that my ex is now living with a new guy in our old house. This guy she met before we broke up. I'm actually rather sure of her being unfaithful once or twice even though that wasn't the big reason we split. But it hurt. I feel like an even bigger failure now when she moved on and I clearly haven't.
My situation right now isn't what I hoped or thought a year ago. I hadn't any clear plans in that chaos but I really thought that I had more of a love life and a better future job wise. And this is totally destroying me. I'm extremely sad for my situation. I just cannot help it. I spend much time fighting the thoughts of the lost relationship when old great memories several times an hour. A thought hits me from nowhere of association and I have to think "That was nice then. Now it's a new life. Time to let go" at least as many times. It's getting really old and it has to affect how I feel.
Love life: None. I've been on a couple of dates, and actually had a lot of fun, but I didn't want to call them up again. I didn't "feel" anything special and wasn't interested in finding out if I could learn how. But this has left me without any nearness what so ever. I can't say I long for it. I'm thinking back on the security a relationship brings but I'm not missing the hugs with her. Just to be able to love someone in that way. To feel that I felt and thought I felt up until the end.
Job: I'm stuck at a job I'm not happy with. I've got a great boss who knows I'm looking for other jobs and he's handling it well but I feel like an asshole. I NEED to find another job but the more I don't get the less optimistic I get. I feel useless. But I need to have an income. But working with something that you HATE every minute of isn't that good either. I can't wait to get home every day and every morning is hard just to go towards the bus.
Spare time: Sad. I meet friends at least once a week, my mother as often and play some social computer games. I also need, I feel, alone time. But I'm not sure that it helps like it did in the past. What I should do: Exercise more. I also feel like I'm not making enough money. I didn't lower my salary a bit when taking this job but my life as single just costs a lot more. But it's tough not to be able to to what you want.
Future: I just want to cry. I can't see anything forward that brightens my mood. I've got an apartment I'm really happy with, and that's great, but as a whole I just want to cry for a week. I don't and I feel even worse by that. I would LIKE to start working with something I truly love and am above average in doing; photography. But that just isn't in my cards right now because of several things. First it's hard as h**l to make any money of it and I also don't know what niche to specialize in.
I feel afraid, alone and with no idea of what to do.
My stomach hurts more than not in some way and I think about a memory including my ex several times a day.
This eats me up from inside. I really could need a pointer, a word or something. I'm really trying to be better every day but I'm scared when things doesn't seem to improve.