Am i being overly controlling or am i justifiably trying to heal

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Posted by LOST IN DECEIT on Jan 2 2017 at 21:24
Member since: 02 January 2017
Gender: Female
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category

My BF and I have been together for two years. Two very hard years without giving too much background. We moved in together in July of last year.

Recently, before Christmas, I became very convinced he was cheating. I tricked him into giving me his iCloud password. I know deceiving on myself.

I downloaded an app that allows you to see all texts and everything except other apps that are not traditionally on your phone like Snapchat and Facebook. I began reading texts messages and found that he was in fact cheating with the very woman I had questioned him about weeks and months prior. Although he says there was never anything physical and there are no texts to indicate physical he had built a full relationship with her. He was discussing leaving me after the new year and telling her he loved her amongaslew of other discussions. He made me out to be a horrible person. He lied to me about being at work and was actually helping her get her kids from her ex. The list goes on.

Now I'm not perfect but I do things to make sure he knows he's appreciated like notes in his lunch daily, I clean cook iron his clothes everything to make his life easy because he works and I don't. I deal with the kids (combined we have 7 in the home) and the dogs and the house and bills and everything really except his work for him.

Now in looking I also found that this wasn't the only relationship he has had behind my back. I found at least 11 in the last year some being physical.

I immediately confronted him. Now I'm not helping him make excuses but it has been a year for us that most people wouldn't even begin to understand. However his reasoning was that he wanted to feel wanted.

Ultimately I told him if we were going to even begin to think about repairing this I want access to everything. iCloud, phone, everything.

He immediately agreed but has since been reluctant to follow through. To this day I still do not have his iCloud password. The Snapchat has not been deleted. And I have no idea what else is on his phone.

I have held my ground and that's caused some big fights the last couple weeks. He "doesn't want to feel grilled or monitored all the time" but I feel unless he's willing to give up the passwords then there's something more to hide. I don't necessarily need to look all the time but the fact that I have the password tells me he knows I could look at any time and therefore he has nothing to hide.

Thoughts ideas ? I really am lost and these kids all deserve better both mine and his.

Oh and he works with her. I demanded proof it was over and short of talking to her that's really impossible and I backed off of that already and am regretting that I did.

If I left anything out please ask its a lot

Reply from MANALONE on Jan 2 2017 at 23:42
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male

It's obvious, going by your post, that your BF isn't committed to you and your relationship together. While you cook and iron his clothes etc, he's out developing other relationships both physical and emotional which tells you that he wants the best of both worlds. It's all OK to demand his passwords but basically, what will that solve if he really doesn't have the will to be with you. His actions tell you where you stand with him and while you have the need to try and repair your relationship, you need to ask yourself if you think it's worth it because your BF isn't really in it.

His passwords and his unwillingness to give them up are just the tip of the iceberg but what's the use of putting the effort into a relationship when nothing is coming back from it. Rather than worrying about being over controlling, you need to consider your options and for you and your kids future happiness.

Reply from LOST IN DECEIT on Jan 3 2017 at 00:35
Member since: 02 January 2017
Gender: Female

Ugh sadly I know you are right. I do believe he loves me and I definitely love him but he isn't committed.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 5 2017 at 01:28
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

You do believe he loves you?

And that's how he (cowardly, behind-scenes) thinks a man is supposed to treat someone he loves, even once the ugliest, smelliest cat in the world has been let out of the bag straight into your face, is it?

Well, I'd hate to see how he behaves when he doesn't even *like* his romantic partner - wouldn't you?

You're a Mira candidate, for sure (hope it helps but I know it will, just like I know you'll devour it in one sitting): https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay-Whether-Relationship/0718141776

PS: It may have been a year that 'most people wouldn't understand' but, if that's any excuse, then - WHY HAVEN'T *YOU* BEEN MADLY TRYING TO TAKE AN ILLICIT LOVER?

(That's called a Gotcha. Mira's book is full to the brim with them....you'll see.)

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 5 2017 at 01:29
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

PS: You have my condolences, though.

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