I'm extremely frustrated with my life, cannot find a creative solution, and am losing hope.
For background- my last two years of high school I was going to a trade school for graphic design. But, halfway through my junior year at age 16 I became a victim of sex trafficking to a violent drug kingpin. Went through the trial, testified, all of that. Was put in a psychiatric care facility one month into my senior year for a couple months. I had pretty bad PTSD for a long time but I think I'm mostly over that by now.
Anyway, because of staying there, I missed too much of my design program, had to go back to my old HS where I had no friends and was ostracized, and never got any certs from my design program of course.
I have always been an anxious person, esp. social anxiety. After all the trauma, I was never able to keep a job for more than a month or two. Add in the fact that I have pretty severe ADHD so that doesn't help.
I got back with my high school boyfriend when I was 18 and moved in. Went through a pretty bad depression. Our relationship was awful and I could not keep a job. Shortly after turning 19 I became a stripper. I actually really liked it, I was able to come and go when I needed, be myself, and take breaks when I needed to. But, my then-fiance quit his job so I was spending all of my money on bills, groceries, gas, the works. I was never able to save for a car/license, buy myself things I needed like clothes for a professional setting, or save for school, etc.
I left him and got with a friend I've known for 6 years. He's a wonderful man, truly. Can't say that enough. One month ago we moved into an apartment together in a new city (not a big city, just small ohio suburb) and he urged me to quit stripping because an incident that happened at the club in November was giving me major emotional stress. He said I could take a few months to get myself back together mentally before finding a job. Cool.
But I cannot just sit, trapped in an apartment by myself, with no car, no friends, and nothing to do while he works his full time job all day, and then sit all evening because he is too tired to do anything and I have no friends.
I tried to get a job. An hourly job at Subway making sandwiches. I had an anxiety melt down and left after 2 hours my first day.
I'm an artist, a bit of a weirdo. These types of simple hourly jobs, for whatever reason I just can't handle them. At all. I would love to find the perfect job, I want to work, but I have no car, and now I don't trust myself to not freak out and have an anxiety attack as soon as I start.
Seeing a therapist for the anxiety would probably help, but I do not have a car to get to appointments or money to spare. I got put back on Vyvanse for my ADHD by my physician, so thats helpful, but does not change my situation overall.
So now, I'm stuck. I can't buy a car to get a job or even get out the apartment, I don't have money to go to school for anything, I can't work normal jobs, and I can't see a psychiatrist. I don't even have money to get clothes that fit me or I could wear to an interview. I am so lost, I feel guilty every single day that he's paying all the bills, and I'm going crazy being isolated and having no options, going nowhere in life.
I have never met anybody that could relate to all of this, and whenever I cry or get freaked out over it my boyfriend just says "it'll be fine, you'll figure it out!" But I don't know what there is to do at this point. I'm seriously losing hope. What is a person like me supposed to do?
Honestly, I've not been or experienced what you went through and going through, but believe me, you've seen nothing yet and your case isn't as half as bad as cases I've seen and heard of people close to me.
Firstly, its not just okay for your boyfriend to pay bills and buy things needful for the house. All those are secondary. If he really loves you the way you think and he profess, he should see and know what you going through and help you out in anyway he can. Best to talk about it as often as you both can and not just leave you home like some household appliances.
Best way you can heal yourself is by you believing in your self and been determined to get out of the box you trying to put yourself in.
Would recommend you join a charity club and assist in some community hours. Could recommend you paying a visit to the motherless babies home or old people's home. Just assisting people in your own little way and you Would see your life not even close as messed up as you think it is.
Try loosing yourself in the service of others, and who knows, you may just find the perfect means to a new and loving start.
Wish you all the very best Nova.
Never loose hope or believe in yourself. Theres too much you can offer and lots of people depend on you.
Dont dissappoint us.
AGREE COMPLETELY, well said RoyalBlood (flippin good post)! ...*Especially* considering he was most influential in bringing you to your decision to give up working and thereby putting you into a position of being wholly dependent on him (for absolutely everything)! Otherwise, all he's doing - knowingly or not - is merrily isolating you or cashing in on your self-made isolation out of feeling happiest and safest knowing where you are and who you're *not* with (or being lusted over by) all the time. And how "nice" is that, leaving aside the surface kindness and doting-ness? Not very.
I'd rather have a man that were cruel to be kind than kind to be cruel. So put him to the acid test before you go crowing about how wonderful this man is that he can enjoy a situation he can surely SEE is drip-drip reducing your confidence and happiness and, ultimately, self-esteem, day-by-day?
Sorry for being blunt. I'm not saying he's *not* wonderful as opposed to, maybe just a bit emotional-intelligence clueless and/or too focused on himself and his own biz to see what's what, and merely needing a proper heads-up to realise. I'm saying, spell it out to him in order to leave no room for doubt on that score: "*Please* help me out with "this and that" because I'm growing steadily more and more unhappy and helpless, which ultimately, as my lover (happiness entwined and all that) is going to drag *you* down too, meaning, one would have thought it's in your direct interests as much as my own?".
The 'baby steps' suggestion about doing part-time (at first) work for local charities (who don't give a shite what you wear, just while you're waiting for your teammate to step up and at least buy you a 'capsule wardrobe') in order to work that confidence muscle back to more decent size, is also the perfect suggestion (seriously - stick around RB!). Another, possibly as a pre-cursor, is to try to find part-time phoning-from-home work (sales or market research), whereby they pay your itemised bill or provide you with a separate line and phone console....or anything else that affords working from home.
Or what about, lady taxi driver for nervous/cautious female clientele?? It'd get you out and about, daily, and experiencing social interaction, yet people wouldn't really see what you were wearing for your being sat down all the time. Are there any such firms in or near to your locale?
Being a source of help for other people, quite possibly those in one of your own, past boats, is absolutely without question THE fastest way to pump your self-esteem to Arnie-esque proportions. Me, I didn't even need that when I first started, meaning, at this farther-flung stage (decades) I'm *completely* up my own a*se (LOL, but true, actually...in a good way, obvs).
Give it a go now, if you like? We can always do with more, regular advisers. Just as long as whatever area you're giving advice over is something you *don't* have difficulty with, yourself, or have managed to completely conquer a decent length of time ago?
Cut the story short, it turned out that all she needed was somebody who would support her and accept her for all that she is, despite of knowing everything about her. Love heals. But it takes two (atleast, when talking about a support group.) If your man is as wonderful as you say, and I think he is if he's done as he had so far, talking to him about your condition and asking for support is a must for you. If a man loves you but don't know what to do, you got to help him help you. Let him know what you need... It is a very common for people who have or had PTSD or any similar condition not to want to ask help because of not wanting to be a burden. But realize, that if this man is to be your life partner, it will be a great help for the both of you in the long run if you will address these issues now together. If you're an artist, it will do you a lot of good to pursue the things you're passionate about. Even in little steps, such as going back to school if you're man can help you in any way to do that... or do part time jobs where you can apply your skills...it's very therapeutic. Got to invest in yourself first, and when you're better, you can do much more!
Wishing you the best.
Have you considered enrolling in an online course? There are lots of sites that offer free online courses. I'm not sure if I can give links or the names of the sites here, but google free online courses and they will pop up. Again that will look good on your resume and keep you distracted while learning something new. (there are some great free photography sites too, if you like taking photos and there are some good prizes if lucky enough to win)
Does your bf know about the sex trafficking? did you know him back then? or does he just know about your stripping job. As SM said you have to spell it out to him in full if he's not seeing how you are really feeling.
And as you're unemployed (not sure of the health system there) would you be entitled to free therapy? or maybe some local help group that you could join?
So don't lose hope there are always options, hope things get better for you soon.