Relationship end?

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Posted by WOOZY on Jan 3 2017 at 15:18
Member since: 03 January 2017
Long Distance Relationship advice forum category advice forum category

Well, im 28 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been in a relationship for almost 2 years and started to live together after 2 months meeting. Everything was great till 2 weeks ago, when we had a horrible fight. I know i haven't been a perfect guy but we always have had a jelousy problem. She doesn't trust me most likely at all. But for her, i even stoped talking to other females long time ago, cus i love her so much and that's not a problem for me. But every time someone contacted me, there was a problem, so i think i was getting distant cus lack of trust. That was wrong of me. Looking back i was such an horrible person and i did a lot of harm to her emotionaly.

Ever since i took a job abroad(last month) she has been hanging around her new friends a lot. We both don't like the distance but agreed that 2weeks work and 2 weeks off we can make it for some time. Problem started cus i got upset that she chose friends over me right before i came back home. Said that she already had plans with them. I might have over reacted but i thought alright, i'll go to my parents house and chill with my cousin for few days. Since then everything has went downfall. She has been out with friends all the time and basicly doesn't have time for me. She said that i have hurt her and i can't change the past with few days, when she cryed over me. I know i have made lot's of mistakes.

So i made a decision that i'll change myself to person who i was when we got together. Not to imrpess her but to be that good person again.

I know i can't ask her to run back to me cus i said i'll change. But im doing my best and all she says is that she needs time to load herself and then we'll see what happens. But for couple of days shes been totaly distant. Answering me only with few words and within few hours. Like i don't exist anymore. Yesterday when i went to our apartment, she said that feeling totaly sick and even coulnd't speak to anyone, i did everything for her and left cus she wanted to be alone. After i left she was nonstop fb active. After i thought alright i'll make a letter to her. There i discribed how much i like, love and want to be with her, our past and future. It came out 2400 letters. I sent that to her and all she answered was thanks, so nice of you and a "kiss smile". She used to be emotional and liked my "letters" but now thanks? What am i doing wrong? We barely talk now and all those 2 weeks she's angry, cold or crumpy. I'm not sure if im her priority anymore. So yeah, i'm so stressed, can't sleep, or eat. Only she does is push me away(she even agreed to that). Now tomorrow i have to go abroad again and i hate it. Asked if she wanted to meet me, she said we'll see.. but seems like not very intrested.

I'm doing everything to save this realationship but what i am doing wrong and do i even have a chance??

Sorry for my english.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 5 2017 at 14:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

You began living together after having known one another for only 8 weeks? So we're talking completely fruit-loopy then?...so utterly perfect for each other that 'I can't EVER see us two disagreeing and fighting'?

Bet you're feeling a bit silly now, eh.

Listen, two humans squished together long-term in a room ARE GOING TO CLASH. When, not If. if you've managed to go all that time without your first humdinger then that's an achievement, but the pair of you were always going to reach the point where normal, natural clashes and disagreements would finally appear next on the schedule. Because you're NOT *ACTUALLY* him with t*ts/her with a w*lly, just more compatible and fruit-loopy than most (congrats!). Ber-bom.

Furthermore, course you've always had a jealousy (and insecurity) problem, the pair of you. How could anyone be that incredibly into someboxy else and NOT be so protective over and fearful about losing their brilliant thing? Nonchalance, being laid-back about things, just wouldn't gel, would it. Analogy: you've won the lottery - £14m - and have the notes packed into a suitcase which you're obviously going to want to keep hold of or keep close to you at all times. But there are obviously going to be copious occasions where you have to park the thing and wander away from it. How relaxed and secure are you feeling at those points? Answer: HA-HA.

No, she does trust you - in Situation Normal. But then when you clash - Situation Abnormal - it feels so abnormal, so 'end of the world' that either or both of you would rather justify how incredibly bad you feel by painting the other momentarily Black/Secretly Evil than have to (mis)conclude you must be being over-the-top or going bonkers. It's called a wobble and they come in varying degrees depending on the state of other, contributory factors and elements at the time. And you two not having had ENOUGH fights whereby you can get to know (thus trust) each other's Fight Personas will, while being gained, basically be capable of doing your heads in. Simple as that!

So it's - I trust you...wait, no I don't, eek (WHO IS THIS PERSON?!)! And then, following the debrief, you go changing this, that or this, as if how you habitually behave must be the reason. No, it isn't, those are just the tangibles, or pinpointables, that get blamed for what is just a natural, part and parcel event. Although, saying that, your instinct to go back into Honeymoon Wooer-Hunter Mode is SPOT-ON (well done!).

Saying THAT - there are obviously habits that can crank up what is already "too much" situational insecurity, such AS, fraternising with single women (thereby leaving yourself potentially open to advances - and FOR WHAT?). So, yes, those boat-rocking things are better and safest left out of it - on both sides - because some people's tolerance to sea-sickness might be lower than the next person's (especially after a big meal).

You can't expect someone after such a short space of time of knowing you to just automatically have the level of trust needed to counter such normal, natural (- contextually) senses of precariousness, as in, your heart so completely in someone else's hands that your very sanity (you think/feel) could likely follow suit in the event of a break-up/betrayal. Yes, there's a standard portion of trust that we beans freely and readily give, that level being however much greater when it's a relationship of the highest order. But the rest has to be EARNED. Which means, a lot more operating together under more and more outside life influences, interferences and disruptions. Because trust is nothing more mysterious than this: I've seen you operate under so many normal, everyday situations, circumstances and conditions that I now can mentally predict via extrapolation of what data I do already possess, what you would do or say in any imaginable situation. YOU'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER FOR LESS THAN TWO YEARS, what are you expecting - Rome built in a day?

This is heavy-duty romantic relationships for ya, WOOZY. If you want its amazing perks then you're going to have to do/suffer the work that earns them. Until that point, these falling-outs can feel highly - HIGHLY - traumatic. But, emphasis on FEEL. Your hearts are completely exposed thus extra sensitive...any even little prod, knock, or even brush, is going to hurt far more than you'd think were justifiable by whatever was behind the clash. Enter "I feel this terrible because you this/that/this (*not* because I'm mad)."

Yeah, you are both mad. Temporarily/at this stage. 'When love is not madness it is not love' (- Pedro de la Barca) (Espanol...MUY empassionata, si? Welcome to the world of a man who knew what truly passionate love 'did' and could at times feel like. ).

You harmed her but never actually chopped her head off and stuffed her body in a suitcase under the bed, right? So you're human (and, what's worse, a man - LOL, I'm talking her perception) but not an actual snake-in-the-grass, out to get her or uncaring, careless git. Every time you hurt but don't kill and prove afterwards you clearly didn't mean to hurt, trust level goes up.

There you go. Carry on having fights where only your pride gets 'suitcased' (temporarily).

Now to these friends:

She didn't CHOOSE these friends exactly. She's just behaving according to programme. It's that the distance has made it difficult for you to keep that pan of milk (her) still bubbling as wildly as before... a percentage of detachment has taken place. Were you constantly around, you'd naturally, automatically, be re-heating her daily, even just via your physical presence - right? ("Right!") So she's become cooled down a tad - in her heart if not her head - and you simply need to compensate for that now missing physical access/proximity element, i.e. find whatever other ways you can think of to woo her back up to a fast simmer again.

She's probably wondering, how come you could bear to take that job to begin with if you love her and want to be with her so much (and practical reasons be damned)? I imagine that's what started everything, meaning, even though rationally in her head she seemed in complete agreement with the move, her heart had a different take on it altogether. Not something she can control. But *you* can: Interfloras, nightly phonecalls, daily texts, phone sex, genuine compliments, sharing how you feel as you're feeling it (I miss you so much I could chop off my arm if it would get you sat here beside me right now, etc., etc.). Welcome to Long-Distance (in fact, I'm probably going to alter your category heading) and its need for creative thinking for taking up the slack and maintaining the hob heat in your absence. As she's not actually a pan of milk on the hob, we're not talking 10-15 mins. In reality application - a good 2-4 weeks of sincere re-wooing and re-schmoozing. And if I were you, I'd find a plateau and stick to it so that cooling down won't ever again be a problem. It's a full-time job, Jim, just not as we know it. Either do it and stay employed on the same but ever incrementing salary or resign/be fired, simple as that...which is WHY the saying, 'Relationships are hard, hard work'.

You're in the big league now. But you just wait until you get your first, big bonus!!! It'll remind you all over again just how worthwhile that work is.

Once you've finished getting her back to the temperature she was at before is when you'll start to get your gushing reciprocated again. But she did respond so I very much doubt it's too late. In short, all you're "doing wrong" is expecting Rome to be rebuilt in a day. Well, you did NOT, on meeting her, say, 'Hi, sexy!' only to see her immediately fall in your arms, calling you Sexy back, did you now ("nope!")...there you go.

Reply from WOOZY on Jan 6 2017 at 22:08
Member since: 03 January 2017

I really appreciate for respond. Got some good advice. Well the update from the "meeting" before leaving home went perfectly. But after oh well. I saw her guy friend in petrol station and that gave me a wierd feeling. Anywho, drove back home, had to call her cus of our cat and she was totaly other person, not so cheerful but opposite so cold and wierd. "Sadly" i had to go back to same location (appartment, where we live together) to take my cousin home. So i thought what the hell, i'll suprise her again since everything was great. When i arrived i saw that guys car in front of our appartment and him inside talking, both cheerful. Anyway i was in shock cus she said she was in pain(health) and had to go to bath, so had to leave quite quick but seeing them together made me really angry. I didn't go in, just left. After that asked what she's doing, told just eating, nothing about her "friend?". So yeah when i asked, how often you see him, trouble in paradise. Then ofcourse whole day no talking and after that she made a contact with me. Thought that we should take it slow and see what happens. I told that i don't like that dude in our appartment so often but today i found out he was there yesterday again (she told me). Anyway that's a bummer, i try to be like a freaking girl(haha), hey honey, you're the best, bla bla, she's like hey, ok, thx. Uh, it should be mutal, but she said, she's doing everything also, hmm?

All she does is answer. So yeah i do the heavy lifting all the time. Making up conversations but it's really hard if you get back only 1-2 words.

But yeah, i think/hope im overreacting with that dude, yeah maybe he is a friend but, sometimes seems differently, maybe cus of the situation.

Like you said, hard work!

Reply from HONESTRUTH on Jan 7 2017 at 04:25
- unregistered user

hi,

im a girl and i can tell you when a girl gives you one word or two word answers- the same as a guy does- its when they are not interested it in them.

when a girl is hurt by him and loves him- she writes book. and same with a guys (as you no doubt sent a letter)

its only when crushing on that its a few sentences and banter

from what you say, this is a relationship of convenience for her- accomodation- she is most likely cheating on you, but maybe cant move out financially or is testing out the other guy, but manbe he doesnt have must to offer like you do..

i've had guy friends. my best friend was guy, and we hung out, but it always felt a bit awkward to spend so much time with a guy friend when you have a boy friend, that you naturally stop spending so much time- and truth be told i was right in doing so as later only he did tell me he was confused a bit and had feeling for me. I've been the attactive girl that the boys wanted to date buy only kept a handful off close friends cos the buys issues meant i lost good friends i thought only wanted to be friends but they wanted more.... see even if her male friend is just a really good friend. its this alpha male animal kingdom. if the girl is attractive the guy will not want to talk to you much or be your best mate nor will she naturally introduce you and be so affectionate with you in front of him if she is conflicted in her feelings for him,cos she will sense a tension. (hand up we gals do) but if the guy had no interest in her, he will no be overbearing and try to invite you to their gathering to get to know you and make you part of the team.

i would say find out if she had the financial mean to be by herself or move out so u can rule out being with you now just as convenience

and 2, when u are next back see if you can get another phone and have it in the living room hidden with the sleep recorder app.... as soon as it hears noise it starts recording and stops when the sound is gone. so say u are out of the house with your cousin, and she is with this guy, or on the phone, talking to him, once you come home, dicreetly take this other phone that has been recording conversation in your house, and go listen to it. if she was cheating on you wyou would hear. if its just them being friendly or talking that shows he's just a friend and nothing more, then try and make it work.

its not easy to trust someone he hasn't treated you well, and there is always the fear that peple will go back to their old ways after saying they have changed. and if this guy is there for her more than you were, then he can easily show her he's better than you (sorry, but truth her, you have given him all that he needs before he was in the picture just by the way you treated her) so all you can do now is find out it its to late and if its just out of not being able to afford to mobve out that she is there or if she is conflicted with her feelings about you and falling for the othe guy. in which case, you will need to do some serious sweeping her off to make her stay.

if you can be with her soon, do the phone thing, and if its that the guy is trying to sweep in and she hadnt cheated on you, then sweep her offf her feet and be the man you say you want to be, and say you want to meet her friens and tell them how much you want to be with her and ask if you can take her away for a weekend away as you are only here for a shot time. if they are fine with it, then its really up to her to say yes or she will find some excse to not go cos she doesnt want the other guy to get jeolous. in which case if she does do that, i would say u ask him come around, that you want to get to know him and tell him you are taking her away on a beak everyone else if fine with it, but you want to know if she is hesitant becas he wont be happy with it. if he says he wont be- which he will if he is into her, then she will know how he feels about her as well as if she wants to be with him or you or if she has been cheating with him on you, then you can politely say are you with me because you cant move out, in which case, you can ask her to move out with his help, and be civil about it and say you need to part ways and its not helpful to u,her and him.

Reply from WOOZY on Jan 7 2017 at 15:07
Member since: 03 January 2017

Hmm ok, that app thing is kinda good idea.

Anyway she's really confusing. Yesterday somthing happened to internet and tv, so she called and told everything about it and what's gonna happen next. I didn't expect her to call. Well that's a good thing i guess. But as long as i know her and her family, they are totaly against cheating and hate it, hopefuly that applies on her also. Anyway cus she's ill, she can't go out and that makes her crumpy. But 1 thing is correct, right now she's unemployed.

So yesterday evening as much as i got her to talk ended well ? Umm told her i love her etc. she responded with heart smile. At the morning she told me that she had a dream about me cheating on her. Told nothing that will ever happen. Anyway I don't understand, if she wants to be with me, then why respond only with few words. Since her birthday is soon, we are going to her parents house and to spa(desided before fight). For a moment we had a small argue and she told ah great, let's not go and so on. Anyway argue got cleared. And she still wants to go. But is it only to show parents, were ok or what? Hm.

Aaa, and before i left to work abroad she told me she's not talking to that guy as much as i think.

Anyway yeah, communication is the problem or am i missing something? From one point of view, she wants me but other, im like noone.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 9 2017 at 20:30
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Actions!

1. Was still replying, rather than not.

2. Thinks it's still your business to know what's what with the Sky package (CASE CLOSED!) (so, no, the invitation to the parents is *not* just an act).

3. (Case closed but for your benefit I'll continue Uses that 'Sky problem- no, wait, not a problem- no, wait, problem' (LOL) as her highly tenuous little excuse to CONTACT YOU.

4. Basically reveals (still has the faith and confidence in you to reveal) she'd been thinking YOU were cheating!

5. Chooses to reassure you over your own fear on that score.

6. Confirms you're still her boyfriend thus still her escort to her parents house and the spa.

7. Didn't let the small argument get out of hand/didn't have arguing in her, plus cooperated with you to clear it up there and then.

8. Reassured again (you're still coming to the folks' house).

9. And AGAIN over the innocence of her involvement or lack of involvement with that guy.

That's not an app, it's a hand-grenade. All it takes is her spotting it or somehow finding out about it aaaand - you're straight into Humdinger Number 2 (which in the current climate could prove fatal).

Think of all the chick romance flicks you've ever watched, where the woman's falling hard for the guy. Did behaviour that said 'I do not trust you nor believe that you're of good character' feature?

It's PEPE Le Pew, not Poo-Poo Le Poo. At no point does Pepe frisk his 'lady friend'.

Anyway, I can tell from her style and rate of combo of 'coming down' plus starting to thaw (from the inside-out) that the problem still remaining, here, is.... You haven't actually apologised yet (for your part or the fact you didn't play man-in-charge, not letting it get out of control-wise, or just because you're regretful you both fought). Or you haven't made enough of a meal of it. Or you've done that typical, 'I am sorry, BUT' drivel. So you're not 'no-one', you're just 'pig of the month' and all your past, cute 'n darling pigs are having to come forward and testify for you on your behalf (lol)...and (sorry, can't resist) save your bacon.

Tell me I'm wrong, go on.

Reply from WOOZY on Jan 10 2017 at 17:47
Member since: 03 January 2017

You're absolutely right and i appreciate your help!

Just needed a push on my confidence/mood and woila. We're talking again, not much but that's a start.

She agreed to take it slow and some responces from her are already positive

So yeah i "pig of the month" thing is kinda right lol.

Anyway, hope for the best and case closed indeed!

Thanks for your advices and best regards to you!

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 25 2017 at 18:21
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Gosh, SORRY, Woozy - I must have missed this at the time! You must have thought me very rude.

You're most welcome and call in again some time (although we hope you won't have to...if you know what I mean?).

Reply from WOOZY on Feb 6 2017 at 06:35
Member since: 03 January 2017

Well, could get some more advice =)

Anyway latest news was that, week ago we officialy broke up and she said that doesn't want to see my face ever again. So i started to move forward BUT couldn't return her clothes and other staff cus she was ill at the moment and i had to come abroad, so agreed to change after i'm back.

I started to ignore her, deleted from instagram and all our pictures etc and told that im gonna move to a city(she got angry about it, cus we moved away from city, where she liked to live to an island).

So here what happened. First there was a silence. And few days ago she contacted me. Asked when did i take down our pictures and have you deleted them all from phone/laptop etc. Next day: a dream she "had?" that i slept with a girl who commented my pic, right before i went abroad. Was bit confused, cus i thought we are separated and that shouldn't matter anyway. So yeah during past days she started more and more talking to me. Wanted me to help her to pick a laptop she wanted to buy, anyway small talk. Day after - She said that still has feelings for me, misses a lot, but suffers in big pain, cries every day and don't know what to do. Oh well, told that we'll see what time brings cus yeah, i still love her even after a break up. Anyway it gets more confusing for me. For example today she started to send pictures of herself, links about men's jeans that i "might" want, songs, worried about my health/sleeping and asked when i get back from abroad. So told her next week or so and she offered that if it's fine with me, we should drive around and chill. The question is, even if she shows intrest in me and MAYBE wants to be together again, should i give a change to a person who already ended relationship. I mean there are chances to do it again. And my trust is gone. Or what are her motives?! Her mind is like a freaking endless maze of mystery

Reply from SLOWJOE83 on Feb 6 2017 at 14:35
Member since: 04 February 2017
Country: United Kingdom

She wanted you, then she didn't.

You went abroad. You came back.

She wanted her friends but wanted you to still want her.

You broke up, she thought you'd cry about it, you didn't, now she wants you back.

This is how teenagers behave.

Ask her directly, does she want a relationship. If yes, tell her you want full-time, not just when she feels like it. If not, tell her you can be friends but she can't keep pretending she has a hold over you.

If I were you, I'd forget her as a girlfriends, maybe stay friends if she promised to stop going on about cheating and sending pic of herself, and concentrate on my career.

Reply from ALSOSUSAN2 on Feb 10 2017 at 09:50
Member since: 09 February 2017

Huh. Sounds way too complicated. I'd focus on work, period. Idk, just no to her.

Reply from WOOZY on Feb 10 2017 at 22:39
Member since: 03 January 2017

Oh well, seems like an perfect solution indeed. Just exhausting to hear about her problems like money and she lost everything etc. And what the hell means we are "kinda" separated (cus we don't live together)lol. There's no such thing..so yes, kinda teenager behavior. Anyway yeah, gonna stay focused on work/friends.

Thx for your responses!

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Feb 12 2017 at 15:53
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Haaaaang on a cotton pickin' minute, Woozy. Not saying you two *aren't* indeed incompatible or she's the immature type that "breaks up to make up", but let's just check, shall we, considering we lack a huge chunk of evidence?

What, that you've conveniently left out of that chain of events, occurred between after you got back together on Jan 10th and your return to here on Feb 6th to report of having "broken up for-good"?

Reply from WOOZY on Feb 12 2017 at 19:50
Member since: 03 January 2017

Ok, what happened, let's see. After i got back from abroad, on 18th and had to go spa on 20th, well that was canceled. Cus of i asked about a guy, who she spends time together, heard it from a friend who asked are we brokwn up (even when we "kinda" broke up, there he was waiting in car). Anyway back to spa and parents thing. Yea we had a fight but thought alright i'll get over it cus just a "friend?" So day before parents we got together, laughed, had a nice evening and seemed like we can make it. Told her that ok we don't have to go together to parents and "act" like everything is ok. Simply suggested to drive her there and that's it. Well next day had a suprise when i asked when shall we go and answer i got back that she arrived there just few min ago. Guess who drove.. ofc that friend who worked 24h shift and then went to see his cousins there, logic right? Anyway that pissed me off very much. So yeah after she got back next day wanted to meet and get our cat back. That was a day of broke up. And now she says "kinda" broken up so wtf it's getting annoying and wierd.. today also she thought that im ignoring her cus i was sleeping lol. And asked so we're not gonna meet when im back and "seems" like i don't care anymore or i found someone new, cus im kinda silent to talk to her. Im on night shift at work. Oh well, that's the missing part.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Feb 16 2017 at 13:12
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

I suspect the problem stems from the fact that you two moved in together FAR too early on, which is putting the cart before the horse, by which I mean, you end up very close but without the fully-enough formed safetynet called TRUST, the thing that catches you both, once you start to experience natural clashes (roughly 18mth-2yr point), and prevents 'serious injury' or 'death' on the rocks below, whilst allowing a fairly easy climb back up towards the summit of the Love Mountain (as I call it)). And she sounds *far* more (not going to say insecure, but) *non- or under-secure* than you. It's 'feel the fear (of rejection and heartache) but do it anyway'. She's not 'doing it anyway' at the moment, she's trying to force a chunk of detachment to take place, to where she'll feel more secure and protected again. In short, she's a bit of a love chicken.

But she clearly *doesn't* want the relationship to actually end because, look - the minute you act like a newly ex, she panics and doesn't like it (curiouser and curiouser, said Alice).

The only antidote to this fear of hers is to communicate properly and ply her with, not just attention but understanding and generosity, without expecting much of anything in return for a while (she, after all, is the one with the greater trust deficit or needfulness, AS her behaviour demonstrates; and you're obviously expecting her to start 'simmering' that bit too impatiently).

Back off but woo her from afar. This other guy is just a symptom, one that cannot possibly compete with you because of your 2-year attachment head-start on him. She's wanting the recouping of said easier distance yet going so far that she frightens herself even more so has to do things like 'pull in the other man' (he's being leant on and used, trust me on that...probably in the same boat as her) to get your attention back to a level that's more comfortable for her during this climate when she needs to pause, reflect, take stock, take a deep breath and get back into the saucepan. You've scared her silly, IOW, so now she's hiding under the sofa with a moral supporter as well as loss-prevention aid (him) and twiddling the 'attention dial' (think volume knob) for all she's worth, yet finding it difficult to establish a setting that pleases and reassures you both (hence why she daren't match your ardour and commitment level in her response to your letters despite she answers every time).

If this were happening to you at the 3 or 9 month mark, I'd be telling you, it shouldn't be THIS hard - "next!...". But two years in makes it feel nigh-on impossible to make a permanent break and, when you have more chemical pull and attachment than trust, this is what happens, is perfectly common and to be expected. So make it a safe, comfy mini one, instead, yet where you still *consistently* send the love letters, flowers, etc.

If that doesn't work (because I don't think you've done it properly enough), THEN you suggest a break-up. But even then, it mightn't necessarily end in permanent tears because - look - you keep *trying* to end it but (actions - deletions and plans to move to the city) she gets distressed/angry and won't let you. So this OM has lost already and, unless he's deliberately just trying to help her make you jealous to keep you in the game (agitating your male territorialism and possessiveness), hence, sits VISIBLY in the car. If she were trying to cheat on you and slide seamlessly from your relationship to a new one with him, she'd meanwhile keep him completely hidden (think about it). I also suspect he's her 'revenge' (or evening of the playing field) for the fact you 'let' that girl on FB make a veiled advance...or the fact you HAVE such a person as a Friend to begin with (er - did we forget the rule I explained?).

I suspect maybe there's too much chemistry and not enough trust, for you and she to be able to handle it at your ages. But that's the point of doing the above experiment with consistency (BE CONSISTENT, with only a soupcon of allowing her little frights, and you'll eventually become trustworthy again).

Do you comprehend everything I've just explained, and does it fit with what you know and sense but can't properly articulate? In summary, you/the relationship has (via whatever event/catalyst) frightened her majorly, she doesn't feel SAFE any more (hence you do the consistency), so is pushing you away, whereupon you move away *too* much and she has to pull you back again, whereupon you come back again *too* much....push you-pull you-push you, etc...

LET HER DICTATE THE PACE, LET HER HAVE BACK SOME CONTROL, BE *CONSISTENT* (ignoring her, for the time being, back-and-forth wobbling)...until she's ready to hand the steering wheel back to you.

Comprendes?

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Feb 16 2017 at 13:24
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

PS: Here's a 'bunch of flowers' you can include to give her right now. It says it all, you must admit, Mr Inexperienced? : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOM2ODXCuW4

That oughta do it, at least get her back onto track where she's capable of feeling and thinking positively towards you/the relationship again and understanding that you're just unavoidably kack-handed where something this big and heavy's concerned, haven't *meant* to hurt or frighten her and feel huge regret, accordingly, but can she give you a break until you get a better handle on everything, please. I don't know much, BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU...AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, the shuffling around on the over-small Love Seat to find a spot and position where we both feel equally comfy and brave.

Ain't rocket science....unless this is your first foray into 'rocket science'.

I'll have some time over the weekend to help you speed this all up, if you want and need.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Feb 16 2017 at 14:01
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Sorry, should have read, ...ALL THAT MATTERS, *not* the (bog-standard) shuffling around.

Reply from WOOZY on Feb 17 2017 at 14:04
Member since: 03 January 2017

Thx for your respond!

I have thought about it- moving in to fast and yeah that's true. And you might be right about that guy, but ofc i have some doubts. That's my insecurity indeed. Well the "good" news was that when i arrived to airport, after that she asked a lot where am i and what am i doing. Well the point was, she wanted to suprise me :o everything would've been nice except she she saw me with one of my friend (female) whom i ran in together at mall. Saw me laughing etc, so she didn't make a contact with me there, cus thought i have moved on and got a new girl. So yeah, she was devastated and had a panic reaction and went immediately back to island. ( well of that guy was driving her again) can't tell if she's just using him. Anyway, the whole night i had to explain that nothing is between me and that girl, just a bad coincidence. Eventually she said that she's sad that it went like that trying to believe me and really misses me/us. (Topic for everyday, wishes to get everything better, us to move back to city, drive around country but also doubts, what if we get back together and same problems come back like half year from now etc.) She's in a lot of pain. Well like i told her, let's take time and see where it all goes. Each day at the time. I have to work on my confidence a lot especially with that dude. Anyway now she wanted to meet me and driving to island, to just talk etc. She's very confused about my feelings to her, maybe cus i have ignored her kinda much but not like "I don't care". And seeing me with that girl, she told that helped her to see about her own feelings, cares and nothing is lost, only huge pain in heart. Anyway like you said, im not gonna "give up" on those lovely things, just doing it much more less. And giving a little control to her. Seems like females start to "think" when you don't put yourself out as much as she used to.

Reply from HARRY888 on Feb 17 2017 at 14:15
Member since: 08 October 2016
Gender: Male

They say a broken wing can not be mended back to perfection again. This is the same case with any relationship. Am sorry i am jumping on your past a tad bit late but firstly the point to understand here is that she is way to young to comprehend what is going on in her life. She is still in that phase where she wants to explore things, make new friends, feel special about her self, show off her boyfriend to her friends etc. I understand that it is difficult for you to figure out where you fit in all of this, and whether you actually fit in it too.

Distances are one of the biggest reasons that hamper a relationship, especially when you have no strings attached or in other words, commitment of any kind. When you are traveling for work and you'll have an argument, it will certainly manifest into a far far bigger thing than you can imagine. So very IMPORTANTLY you need to first stop cursing yourself for reacting to a situation. You are a human and you feel bad about things. You have every right to voice that out too. Just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you need to be silent about it. Relationships are meant to make each other strong, not weak. Am sure there are things that you may have done or said wrong but that doesn't mean that you are a bad person in any way.

There is also a point of things that are in your control. You can't possibly control everything that she is doing or make her happy in every possible way. Especially when you have to travel for 2 weeks per month for work. And you are right, work should always be your first priority in life. There has to always be a purpose and meaning to life, everything else comes secondary. It is very important that you find a person who understands and values what you are doing for them. It is also very important that you both be physically present for each other. Phone calls, text messages, skype calls are the biggest reasons of misunderstandings. So don't worry if you are not able to convince her what you really are. Because the fact is, none of those mediums will be able to express what you really feel or how important it is when you say you love her.

If at some point she has said that she doesn't want to continue this, you should let her have that freedom of choosing so. You need to be in a relationship with someone where all your efforts are worth while. It is not possible for you to make her decisions for herself. I know this solution doesn't seem to be what you would ideally want but i can assure you that it a better option that just being in this state of mind games for years together. I have been in a long distance relationship and i very much know how difficult it is to make someone feel special, and am talking about being with someone for over 3 years now. The person who is next to her and the person who is physically present will always win. Ofcourse there are also things like when the person has mentally chosen to be the devil that they are, you can't do much about that. You are not here to convince people to be with you. You ofcourse would work hard to improve on your short comings, but don't take that as your weakness.

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Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Feb 22 2017 at 20:26
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Are you waiting for me, Woozy? Because I'm waiting for you to respond to Harry? (Hello, [kkkkkkk...] operator?)

Reply from WOOZY on Feb 22 2017 at 20:27
Member since: 03 January 2017

True that, you can't mend a broken wing to perfection. But there's always a chance and make it "perfect" - or is that me on denial and to much hope lol. I agree she's young and wants to feel special, meet new people but in other point of view she rejects some friends over time and like she told me she don't have "real" friends here. My point is that due to our long relationship i know her kinda well. Distance makes her miss more and to clear head for all what's going on, it's good i guess cus she wants time anyway.

Talking about control - ofc i can't control everything. I can only suggest what or if to do. But for example after i got back from abroad and that suprice thing came along which didn't go as planed to her, made her open eyes more(at least i think so). She has more intrest in me, during a day asks many times what im up to etc (before nothing like that). Ofc communication is kinda short but i guess better then nothing. (like she told, her phone is usually on a floor and only watching it when moving somewhere) - maybe a way of dealing pain?

When i came to island we met and talked over 4h: problems, what have happened etc. I think the evening went well considering the presure on both of us. On the next morning i got a text from her asking if i even liked or haved some fun with her. Since her so called friends wanted to visit her she made a suggestion to spend next whole day together. So yeah yesterday we drove out of the island, visited city and came back at night. During that 12h there was good times, she brought up memories and also some wierd silence and serious talk about relationship. Told exactly the same like you, that she has that freedom of choosing. Only thing is she's afraid to get back together cus maybe we'll get lazy and still end breaking up.

But there's no way to know that without trying, cus at least i know what i did wrong before.

Anyway after i drove her home she hugged me, but not like before, this time long and strongly - that might mean something i guess.

Today has been kinda silent cus her friend are over our appartment again but asked to meet tomorrow to talk about weekend.

I told her yesterday that im planing on going to city and whole evening she thought about it and wants to come along and for few days.

Well, seems like "good" signs but don't know if it's a right choice - That would mean a hotel or a spa where she wants to be together anyway, but we agreed to take it really slow.

Cus she doesn't want to stay at her fathers alone (he might ask where i am) it's a confusing situation. Cus i know, when i go without her, she will be dissapointed and back to square one.

Reply from HARRY888 on Feb 23 2017 at 07:21
Member since: 08 October 2016
Gender: Male

Am so glad to hear that things have progressed so well. These definitely are good signs. Atleast much better than we would have expected. The break helped in creating a stronger bond than before. It would certainly take time for things to get back to normal. You both would be more cautious of not repeating the same mistakes again. Keep re-assuring her, showing her the right way to do things.

As you correctly said, there is no way of knowing if this is correct unless you try. Keep this going. This path will also make you realize what you really want from your life partner. But don't rush into anything. There is still a lot of time for you to make that decision.

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