Relationship end?

Previous problem
Posted by WOOZY on Jan 3 2017 at 15:18
Member since: 03 January 2017
Long Distance Relationship advice forum category advice forum category

Well, im 28 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been in a relationship for almost 2 years and started to live together after 2 months meeting. Everything was great till 2 weeks ago, when we had a horrible fight. I know i haven't been a perfect guy but we always have had a jelousy problem. She doesn't trust me most likely at all. But for her, i even stoped talking to other females long time ago, cus i love her so much and that's not a problem for me. But every time someone contacted me, there was a problem, so i think i was getting distant cus lack of trust. That was wrong of me. Looking back i was such an horrible person and i did a lot of harm to her emotionaly.

Ever since i took a job abroad(last month) she has been hanging around her new friends a lot. We both don't like the distance but agreed that 2weeks work and 2 weeks off we can make it for some time. Problem started cus i got upset that she chose friends over me right before i came back home. Said that she already had plans with them. I might have over reacted but i thought alright, i'll go to my parents house and chill with my cousin for few days. Since then everything has went downfall. She has been out with friends all the time and basicly doesn't have time for me. She said that i have hurt her and i can't change the past with few days, when she cryed over me. I know i have made lot's of mistakes.

So i made a decision that i'll change myself to person who i was when we got together. Not to imrpess her but to be that good person again.

I know i can't ask her to run back to me cus i said i'll change. But im doing my best and all she says is that she needs time to load herself and then we'll see what happens. But for couple of days shes been totaly distant. Answering me only with few words and within few hours. Like i don't exist anymore. Yesterday when i went to our apartment, she said that feeling totaly sick and even coulnd't speak to anyone, i did everything for her and left cus she wanted to be alone. After i left she was nonstop fb active. After i thought alright i'll make a letter to her. There i discribed how much i like, love and want to be with her, our past and future. It came out 2400 letters. I sent that to her and all she answered was thanks, so nice of you and a "kiss smile". She used to be emotional and liked my "letters" but now thanks? What am i doing wrong? We barely talk now and all those 2 weeks she's angry, cold or crumpy. I'm not sure if im her priority anymore. So yeah, i'm so stressed, can't sleep, or eat. Only she does is push me away(she even agreed to that). Now tomorrow i have to go abroad again and i hate it. Asked if she wanted to meet me, she said we'll see.. but seems like not very intrested.

I'm doing everything to save this realationship but what i am doing wrong and do i even have a chance??

Sorry for my english.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 5 2017 at 14:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

You began living together after having known one another for only 8 weeks? So we're talking completely fruit-loopy then?...so utterly perfect for each other that 'I can't EVER see us two disagreeing and fighting'?

Bet you're feeling a bit silly now, eh.

Listen, two humans squished together long-term in a room ARE GOING TO CLASH. When, not If. if you've managed to go all that time without your first humdinger then that's an achievement, but the pair of you were always going to reach the point where normal, natural clashes and disagreements would finally appear next on the schedule. Because you're NOT *ACTUALLY* him with t*ts/her with a w*lly, just more compatible and fruit-loopy than most (congrats!). Ber-bom.

Furthermore, course you've always had a jealousy (and insecurity) problem, the pair of you. How could anyone be that incredibly into someboxy else and NOT be so protective over and fearful about losing their brilliant thing? Nonchalance, being laid-back about things, just wouldn't gel, would it. Analogy: you've won the lottery - £14m - and have the notes packed into a suitcase which you're obviously going to want to keep hold of or keep close to you at all times. But there are obviously going to be copious occasions where you have to park the thing and wander away from it. How relaxed and secure are you feeling at those points? Answer: HA-HA.

No, she does trust you - in Situation Normal. But then when you clash - Situation Abnormal - it feels so abnormal, so 'end of the world' that either or both of you would rather justify how incredibly bad you feel by painting the other momentarily Black/Secretly Evil than have to (mis)conclude you must be being over-the-top or going bonkers. It's called a wobble and they come in varying degrees depending on the state of other, contributory factors and elements at the time. And you two not having had ENOUGH fights whereby you can get to know (thus trust) each other's Fight Personas will, while being gained, basically be capable of doing your heads in. Simple as that!

So it's - I trust you...wait, no I don't, eek (WHO IS THIS PERSON?!)! And then, following the debrief, you go changing this, that or this, as if how you habitually behave must be the reason. No, it isn't, those are just the tangibles, or pinpointables, that get blamed for what is just a natural, part and parcel event. Although, saying that, your instinct to go back into Honeymoon Wooer-Hunter Mode is SPOT-ON (well done!).

Saying THAT - there are obviously habits that can crank up what is already "too much" situational insecurity, such AS, fraternising with single women (thereby leaving yourself potentially open to advances - and FOR WHAT?). So, yes, those boat-rocking things are better and safest left out of it - on both sides - because some people's tolerance to sea-sickness might be lower than the next person's (especially after a big meal).

You can't expect someone after such a short space of time of knowing you to just automatically have the level of trust needed to counter such normal, natural (- contextually) senses of precariousness, as in, your heart so completely in someone else's hands that your very sanity (you think/feel) could likely follow suit in the event of a break-up/betrayal. Yes, there's a standard portion of trust that we beans freely and readily give, that level being however much greater when it's a relationship of the highest order. But the rest has to be EARNED. Which means, a lot more operating together under more and more outside life influences, interferences and disruptions. Because trust is nothing more mysterious than this: I've seen you operate under so many normal, everyday situations, circumstances and conditions that I now can mentally predict via extrapolation of what data I do already possess, what you would do or say in any imaginable situation. YOU'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER FOR LESS THAN TWO YEARS, what are you expecting - Rome built in a day?

This is heavy-duty romantic relationships for ya, WOOZY. If you want its amazing perks then you're going to have to do/suffer the work that earns them. Until that point, these falling-outs can feel highly - HIGHLY - traumatic. But, emphasis on FEEL. Your hearts are completely exposed thus extra sensitive...any even little prod, knock, or even brush, is going to hurt far more than you'd think were justifiable by whatever was behind the clash. Enter "I feel this terrible because you this/that/this (*not* because I'm mad)."

Yeah, you are both mad. Temporarily/at this stage. 'When love is not madness it is not love' (- Pedro de la Barca) (Espanol...MUY empassionata, si? Welcome to the world of a man who knew what truly passionate love 'did' and could at times feel like. ).

You harmed her but never actually chopped her head off and stuffed her body in a suitcase under the bed, right? So you're human (and, what's worse, a man - LOL, I'm talking her perception) but not an actual snake-in-the-grass, out to get her or uncaring, careless git. Every time you hurt but don't kill and prove afterwards you clearly didn't mean to hurt, trust level goes up.

There you go. Carry on having fights where only your pride gets 'suitcased' (temporarily).

Now to these friends:

She didn't CHOOSE these friends exactly. She's just behaving according to programme. It's that the distance has made it difficult for you to keep that pan of milk (her) still bubbling as wildly as before... a percentage of detachment has taken place. Were you constantly around, you'd naturally, automatically, be re-heating her daily, even just via your physical presence - right? ("Right!") So she's become cooled down a tad - in her heart if not her head - and you simply need to compensate for that now missing physical access/proximity element, i.e. find whatever other ways you can think of to woo her back up to a fast simmer again.

She's probably wondering, how come you could bear to take that job to begin with if you love her and want to be with her so much (and practical reasons be damned)? I imagine that's what started everything, meaning, even though rationally in her head she seemed in complete agreement with the move, her heart had a different take on it altogether. Not something she can control. But *you* can: Interfloras, nightly phonecalls, daily texts, phone sex, genuine compliments, sharing how you feel as you're feeling it (I miss you so much I could chop off my arm if it would get you sat here beside me right now, etc., etc.). Welcome to Long-Distance (in fact, I'm probably going to alter your category heading) and its need for creative thinking for taking up the slack and maintaining the hob heat in your absence. As she's not actually a pan of milk on the hob, we're not talking 10-15 mins. In reality application - a good 2-4 weeks of sincere re-wooing and re-schmoozing. And if I were you, I'd find a plateau and stick to it so that cooling down won't ever again be a problem. It's a full-time job, Jim, just not as we know it. Either do it and stay employed on the same but ever incrementing salary or resign/be fired, simple as that...which is WHY the saying, 'Relationships are hard, hard work'.

You're in the big league now. But you just wait until you get your first, big bonus!!! It'll remind you all over again just how worthwhile that work is.

Once you've finished getting her back to the temperature she was at before is when you'll start to get your gushing reciprocated again. But she did respond so I very much doubt it's too late. In short, all you're "doing wrong" is expecting Rome to be rebuilt in a day. Well, you did NOT, on meeting her, say, 'Hi, sexy!' only to see her immediately fall in your arms, calling you Sexy back, did you now ("nope!")...there you go.

Reply from WOOZY on Jan 6 2017 at 22:08
Member since: 03 January 2017

I really appreciate for respond. Got some good advice. Well the update from the "meeting" before leaving home went perfectly. But after oh well. I saw her guy friend in petrol station and that gave me a wierd feeling. Anywho, drove back home, had to call her cus of our cat and she was totaly other person, not so cheerful but opposite so cold and wierd. "Sadly" i had to go back to same location (appartment, where we live together) to take my cousin home. So i thought what the hell, i'll suprise her again since everything was great. When i arrived i saw that guys car in front of our appartment and him inside talking, both cheerful. Anyway i was in shock cus she said she was in pain(health) and had to go to bath, so had to leave quite quick but seeing them together made me really angry. I didn't go in, just left. After that asked what she's doing, told just eating, nothing about her "friend?". So yeah when i asked, how often you see him, trouble in paradise. Then ofcourse whole day no talking and after that she made a contact with me. Thought that we should take it slow and see what happens. I told that i don't like that dude in our appartment so often but today i found out he was there yesterday again (she told me). Anyway that's a bummer, i try to be like a freaking girl(haha), hey honey, you're the best, bla bla, she's like hey, ok, thx. Uh, it should be mutal, but she said, she's doing everything also, hmm?

All she does is answer. So yeah i do the heavy lifting all the time. Making up conversations but it's really hard if you get back only 1-2 words.

But yeah, i think/hope im overreacting with that dude, yeah maybe he is a friend but, sometimes seems differently, maybe cus of the situation.

Like you said, hard work!

Reply from HONESTRUTH on Jan 7 2017 at 04:25
- unregistered user

hi,

im a girl and i can tell you when a girl gives you one word or two word answers- the same as a guy does- its when they are not interested it in them.

when a girl is hurt by him and loves him- she writes book. and same with a guys (as you no doubt sent a letter)

its only when crushing on that its a few sentences and banter

from what you say, this is a relationship of convenience for her- accomodation- she is most likely cheating on you, but maybe cant move out financially or is testing out the other guy, but manbe he doesnt have must to offer like you do..

i've had guy friends. my best friend was guy, and we hung out, but it always felt a bit awkward to spend so much time with a guy friend when you have a boy friend, that you naturally stop spending so much time- and truth be told i was right in doing so as later only he did tell me he was confused a bit and had feeling for me. I've been the attactive girl that the boys wanted to date buy only kept a handful off close friends cos the buys issues meant i lost good friends i thought only wanted to be friends but they wanted more.... see even if her male friend is just a really good friend. its this alpha male animal kingdom. if the girl is attractive the guy will not want to talk to you much or be your best mate nor will she naturally introduce you and be so affectionate with you in front of him if she is conflicted in her feelings for him,cos she will sense a tension. (hand up we gals do) but if the guy had no interest in her, he will no be overbearing and try to invite you to their gathering to get to know you and make you part of the team.

i would say find out if she had the financial mean to be by herself or move out so u can rule out being with you now just as convenience

and 2, when u are next back see if you can get another phone and have it in the living room hidden with the sleep recorder app.... as soon as it hears noise it starts recording and stops when the sound is gone. so say u are out of the house with your cousin, and she is with this guy, or on the phone, talking to him, once you come home, dicreetly take this other phone that has been recording conversation in your house, and go listen to it. if she was cheating on you wyou would hear. if its just them being friendly or talking that shows he's just a friend and nothing more, then try and make it work.

its not easy to trust someone he hasn't treated you well, and there is always the fear that peple will go back to their old ways after saying they have changed. and if this guy is there for her more than you were, then he can easily show her he's better than you (sorry, but truth her, you have given him all that he needs before he was in the picture just by the way you treated her) so all you can do now is find out it its to late and if its just out of not being able to afford to mobve out that she is there or if she is conflicted with her feelings about you and falling for the othe guy. in which case, you will need to do some serious sweeping her off to make her stay.

if you can be with her soon, do the phone thing, and if its that the guy is trying to sweep in and she hadnt cheated on you, then sweep her offf her feet and be the man you say you want to be, and say you want to meet her friens and tell them how much you want to be with her and ask if you can take her away for a weekend away as you are only here for a shot time. if they are fine with it, then its really up to her to say yes or she will find some excse to not go cos she doesnt want the other guy to get jeolous. in which case if she does do that, i would say u ask him come around, that you want to get to know him and tell him you are taking her away on a beak everyone else if fine with it, but you want to know if she is hesitant becas he wont be happy with it. if he says he wont be- which he will if he is into her, then she will know how he feels about her as well as if she wants to be with him or you or if she has been cheating with him on you, then you can politely say are you with me because you cant move out, in which case, you can ask her to move out with his help, and be civil about it and say you need to part ways and its not helpful to u,her and him.

Reply from WOOZY on Jan 7 2017 at 15:07
Member since: 03 January 2017

Hmm ok, that app thing is kinda good idea.

Anyway she's really confusing. Yesterday somthing happened to internet and tv, so she called and told everything about it and what's gonna happen next. I didn't expect her to call. Well that's a good thing i guess. But as long as i know her and her family, they are totaly against cheating and hate it, hopefuly that applies on her also. Anyway cus she's ill, she can't go out and that makes her crumpy. But 1 thing is correct, right now she's unemployed.

So yesterday evening as much as i got her to talk ended well ? Umm told her i love her etc. she responded with heart smile. At the morning she told me that she had a dream about me cheating on her. Told nothing that will ever happen. Anyway I don't understand, if she wants to be with me, then why respond only with few words. Since her birthday is soon, we are going to her parents house and to spa(desided before fight). For a moment we had a small argue and she told ah great, let's not go and so on. Anyway argue got cleared. And she still wants to go. But is it only to show parents, were ok or what? Hm.

Aaa, and before i left to work abroad she told me she's not talking to that guy as much as i think.

Anyway yeah, communication is the problem or am i missing something? From one point of view, she wants me but other, im like noone.

Reply from SOULMATE (moderator) on Jan 9 2017 at 20:30
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom

Actions!

1. Was still replying, rather than not.

2. Thinks it's still your business to know what's what with the Sky package (CASE CLOSED!) (so, no, the invitation to the parents is *not* just an act).

3. (Case closed but for your benefit I'll continue Uses that 'Sky problem- no, wait, not a problem- no, wait, problem' (LOL) as her highly tenuous little excuse to CONTACT YOU.

4. Basically reveals (still has the faith and confidence in you to reveal) she'd been thinking YOU were cheating!

5. Chooses to reassure you over your own fear on that score.

6. Confirms you're still her boyfriend thus still her escort to her parents house and the spa.

7. Didn't let the small argument get out of hand/didn't have arguing in her, plus cooperated with you to clear it up there and then.

8. Reassured again (you're still coming to the folks' house).

9. And AGAIN over the innocence of her involvement or lack of involvement with that guy.

That's not an app, it's a hand-grenade. All it takes is her spotting it or somehow finding out about it aaaand - you're straight into Humdinger Number 2 (which in the current climate could prove fatal).

Think of all the chick romance flicks you've ever watched, where the woman's falling hard for the guy. Did behaviour that said 'I do not trust you nor believe that you're of good character' feature?

It's PEPE Le Pew, not Poo-Poo Le Poo. At no point does Pepe frisk his 'lady friend'.

Anyway, I can tell from her style and rate of combo of 'coming down' plus starting to thaw (from the inside-out) that the problem still remaining, here, is.... You haven't actually apologised yet (for your part or the fact you didn't play man-in-charge, not letting it get out of control-wise, or just because you're regretful you both fought). Or you haven't made enough of a meal of it. Or you've done that typical, 'I am sorry, BUT' drivel. So you're not 'no-one', you're just 'pig of the month' and all your past, cute 'n darling pigs are having to come forward and testify for you on your behalf (lol)...and (sorry, can't resist) save your bacon.

Tell me I'm wrong, go on.

Reply from WOOZY on Jan 10 2017 at 17:47
Member since: 03 January 2017

You're absolutely right and i appreciate your help!

Just needed a push on my confidence/mood and woila. We're talking again, not much but that's a start.

She agreed to take it slow and some responces from her are already positive

So yeah i "pig of the month" thing is kinda right lol.

Anyway, hope for the best and case closed indeed!

Thanks for your advices and best regards to you!

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