Help! Am I the only one?
I’ve only been married 2 years now. When I met my husband (call him Brad), I was going out regularly with my girlfriends to shoot pool. That’s what we did… shot pool. I love the game and I’m good at it. My then boyfriend/now husband does NOT like bars. (Coincidentally, he did when he was single!) He didn’t want me in bars around other men, especially men that I would have been involved with prior to us dating. So… I gave up the game. I quit going out with friends and settled down at home with him to make him comfortable. I loved him and wanted to be settled down.. I was 36 then. So I did.
Then… shortly after our wedding, I then met his cousin (call him Joe), who the family does not trust and has told me several times, Joe is bad news. (Joe was in jail when I met my husband) They said Joe always caused my husband to lose jobs when they were younger, etc. I then found out that my husband and Joe had a threesome with the cousin’s girlfriend years ago… This made me completely distrust the cousin and my husband together. Low and behold… soon after Joe started hanging around, I caught the cousin sharing his porn with my husband, getting my husband to cut out of work early once and lie to me, and also sending pics of other women, etc. I confronted my husband, then the cousin. My husband protects Joe. Joe is still always coming around.
What I don’t understand is…. I’m not even allowed to be “friends” with anyone I previously dated, even on Facebook, or anyone I had a sexual encounter with because my husband say’s its unnecessary to remain friends with them, and can’t go out to a “bar” to shoot pool……. but “Joe” can be around all the time???? I hate this and don’t trust him/them together. It feels unfair. Didn’t Brad and Joe have a sexual experience with together sharing Joe’s girlfriend that one night?!?!
To go back again… back when we started dating, I discovered my husband (Brad) had a porn addiction. I found porn on my computer, his phone, messages to other women on random websites… like Craigslist, sending explicit messages to females via our XBox, asking for pics from these people, other videos from other sites of women taking showers, and of course there’s Facebook… lots of women there he had been “viewing”. I found multiple websites/dating site accounts he had as well. Made sense when I met “Joe” the cousin who was the same way.
This hurt so much though… so I confronted Brad. I explained how hurt I was, how knowing he gets enjoyment from all this that I felt completely “useless” as a girlfriend, yada yada. He explained that he, like all young boys, had been doing this since his teens, and he just really enjoys porn. He also said it was completely harmless, had nothing to do with me, and didn’t see why I disapproved. I again explained how it made me feel and he promised he would stop. He changed his email address, changed his Facebook account, gave me passwords to both, and I did the same. We both agreed that if we were going to be serious, there were no more secrets. He even agreed that if he wanted to watch porn, he would do it only with me. But all this had caused me to completely distrust him. But I still married him months later. 6/2015.
I watched closely… found myself checking every account he owned. After several months of finding nothing, I became more comfortable and started trusting him again. By 12/2015… I found the porn again on his phone. This caused a big fight. Again, he promised it wouldn’t happen again and he would stop. I still felt just as useless as I did then, now being his wife. Again, I started watching him closely.
An entire year has gone by… and I haven’t found anything!! Yesterday I could honestly say “I trust my husband” Until today… something told me check his facebook. So I did… and I found a video he had watched this morning, very close to porn. After 1 hour, I refreshed his viewing activity… and it was gone! He deleted it. Now I feel like he’s back to his ways again.
What confuses me is, he’s a great lover, very affectionate, our sex life is good/very active (Some reasons why I married him). But today I sit at work, feeling like an object again and I’m hurt. I don’t know if I’m just being jealous or if it’s ok to feel the way I do? I’m now thinking that I’m the one with the problem here… and would be better off just getting a divorce and staying single, because I know so many men are this way and like their porn and I don’t like it replacing me when I’m away.
Am I the only one who feels this way? What can I do to make myself feel better. And the cousin….??
Here's what I think. First, it's controlling and emotionally abusive for him to limit or cut off your contact with your friends, or decide where you go, and it's especially wrong because you respected and accommodated his feelings for that but he refuses to respect your feelings towards the cousin and the situation as a whole.
Second, watching porn here and there is one thing, I don't mind when my boyfriends have watched porn in the past (until it became a problem with one) because I think it's pretty normal, but I understand lots of other women don't like it. HOWEVER, talking to women online, browsing and requesting pictures- then it becomes a personal thing, you know? He couldnt ever talk to a porn star and form some sort of "thing" with them but going on facebook and xbox and talking to these women directly is NOT okay and is most certainly cheating.
My suggestions are to
1. Make it clear that you deserve to have healthy friendships and a social life and that you will not be controlled or emotionally abused any longer.
2. Get a good sex toy, and maybe even watch a little porn of your own. I know, this may seem weird and foreign, or uncomfortable, but it'll give you a good release when you need it (wink wink) and I found that getting myself off really helped my self esteem, and to know myself better, which is something you need.
3. Think about whether or not you really want to spend your time being unhappy, disrespected, controlled and abused in a relationship with zero trust.