I need some insight on my situation please. I'm at a loss here.
I met a woman a year ago and our relationship snowballed very quickly. I made the mistake of believing I wanted a family with her and now she is pregnant and fully invested in me. She moved in with me a month ago and the lack of freedom is already getting to me hard and it's starting to impact her too.
I am grateful for her and the baby but I have come to realization that either I am not capable of a) truly loving another more then myself, or b) I do not love her or c) I am simply not a person fit for relationships and family or d) I cannot love her the way she actually needs without changing who I am.
I find myself time and time again just selfishly doing things out of my own free will and getting patronized when getting home because I did not include her, this leads to unnecessary resentment. It's happened in previous relationships too. Simple things like just making her part of my life when I plan things, or telling her who I am going to hang with. It's nothing against her, I'm just not the guy to do that and frankly I really enjoy my own company and keeping things to myself. My life is my life and I don't feel like I should share every aspect of it. She gets upset because to me there is no difference between spending quality time with someone and doing chores/errands with somewhere. I have no problem committing to a weekly date night, and I do, and I love hanging out with her but it doesn't really address the problem - value me-time more.
I do like her and value the relationship. I'm not totally interested in breaking up with her, but at the same time I think I am kidding myself by believing it's fair to her. I know she deserves more. She feels lonely quite often. I don't see why, I don't understand loneliness, it's not something I feel, I feel like she should do something positive with her free time instead. I haven't cheated on her, but frankly I probably would and wouldn't feel bad. It's just not me to attach so much to a person in that my freedom is limited. Another dynamic to add, I'm quite the poly-amorous type of person and she is definitely monogamous. Sometimes she gets jealous of me hanging with other people and it turns me off a lot.
She has such a big heart and I know she loves me, she's definitely open to communicating but it just seems like my inability or apprehension to understand my own feelings and communicate them is a barrier of itself. Because the truth is it would not bother me at all if she left with the baby, my only regret would be footing the child support without actual involvement, but I am equally invested in personal growth because heck, this baby might be exactly what I need to grow as a human being.
Any insight would be appreciated. I don't know what to do. Thank you.
I hope i can be of some help.
I know what it is like to fall for someone so much that you feel inseparable and want to have a future. it is the same with my and my husband. we met in uni and from our first date we wanted to be steady and not want to see others. this meant being with each other every time, and even if he left my place or I his, then he would want to see me again and we would return or go to the others. HOWEVER, living or moving in with someone is THE MOST STRESSFUL ADJUSTMENT and personal space and adoptation issues was a completely new issue, that felt like either of us could not handle. so I TOTALLY GET YOU!. BUT BARE WITH ME. this is NORMAL. and its understanable she will feel lonely, having moved in with you and you going and doing your own thing. imagine if it was you. you leave everything you know to share your life and have a child with this person on they just treat you like a housemate or colleague. it can be a lonely feeling. you may not be married, but in the traditional case, living together and and starting a life and as they say the first 2 years are the hardest. think of this this way- apart from a marriage/wedding ceromony what is the difference? you are in a relationship and starting a family of your own. you need to share your friends, your family, and life, she is the mother of your baby, and she needs to be brought into your world. once you do that and she is settled in, she will be comfortable enough to let you go do your own things like meeting up with the boys to watch the game, or letting you bring them around, while she goes over to her girls place or do her personal space- shopping, hair, etc. but like introducing a friend to your circle, you need to make an effort. she is your girlfrind and mother of your child and you will be seeing her for the rest of your life because of your child. so why not welcome her into you life and share your life with her, you thoughts, hope and dreams, and support one another, be a team, and you will be so surprised the level of support and encouragement you get. you wanted to be with her, you are attracted to her, wanted to have a family with her- well let her in, and do the same for her. give it a try.
we all like our freedome. she wont take that away from you. you are guarded and not opening up. see her as family, a a very close one at that. imagine a few ywera from now- wont you want to be in a relationship you care share your deep thoughts, stress, worry and she can comfort you, and you get to see your son/daughter in the same house, loving an affectionate, and being a happy family. the perfect picture. friends come and go, but she will be with you or part of your life becase of your child. and trust me though most guys are afraid of being a father or a child and money and the costs, so would be your girlfriend. she has more to loose than you. try looking after a child and working, or rather dating again and trying to work part time to make ends meet, while u will be single to do what ever you need, work full time, earn more, pay for your child, save and meet another and have a good life. for her- you have given her part time work till the child is off to uni, see if she can save and buy a house, find a man who will marry her and be a good step father, she will either work full time if not and have the child in day care and u two sharing, the child will not have the best and this all happens cos- you dont want to open up to her? well change your habbit. growing up at some point you will realise, you will only marry or find a real relationshp only if you can open yourself up and talk about your dreams, fears and aspirations with a girl. who you make the your best friend and and an emotional connection. without it this freedome and selfishness, you talk of, will mean you find your self one day a lone, an in situations, with no one really knowing you, to be able to help you. and on that day, your other friends will have their happy lives and u will be the one not married, or in relationships that go no ware, you will be the one that listens to some guy, who says shit happens and have a drink and find another girl and you will find your self feeling you lost that wonderful family, time you can be excited about bringing to this world a baby you, and being a happy father and possibly husband. you will be filled with regret.
as a child you confid in you sibling, parent or that best friend. as an adult, you make friend in uni, work etc, but they are all superficial as you dont stick with them for the rest of your life or more than 5 years. the person that would be there would be the girl that you are currently attraccyed to, wanted her to move in with you and have your baby. now you can choose to make her part of your world and share it, and also be ther for her and enjoy- and i mean really celebrate and enjoy this frighful yet exciting time and get through it together as a team/couple- which will make you both stronger and connected and a beautiful story for you baby to tell one day, or you can let her go and say you want to be selfish and in which case, you are dooming your happyness.
for the moment be thoughful. she's made a huge sacrifise, becas she loved you enough to have your baby, which you wanted. and now she has more on her plate after having moved in with you that would make her question if you are fit to be her partner/ her lover/ her baby's father or if she was an utter fool to be with you.
I want you tofind some comfort in knowing that moving in with someone or having one move in with you, is stressful for both.
for her- it would be things like-
i'm having his child- this is serious stuff... (panic)
what will my future be like?
it all depend on how he treats me now- and what my marriage or being a parent will be like
does he leave a mess and have me clean up, and would i have to be like his cleaner, and ook after the baby while he goes out with his friends or start seeing anoter woman while i'm home bound with a kid
does he seem father material?
does he help me out with things- does this mean when the baby comes, we can work as a team and be loving and affectionationate and admire him for being supportive or will he expect me to be a 'live with him but single parent and cleaner/mum/nagging wife/nagging baby mama to help- cos no i dont want to be that kind of woman- he wanted a baby...and now he's making me this person i dont want to be- a nagging woman- why cos he doesnt want to share his life with me? but that what a couple must do especially if they are staring a life together with a child- there is no turning back
will he make me part of his life and we do things together?
have friends and family over- go out, be affectionate and doting parents and a happy couple, with a loving & sexual relationship, where he makes me feel like a sexy wanted woman,and me encouraging him and supportibve and really proud of him or wil he make me this busy mum with a baby, looking crap, cos i have no time to look good,having to be like a single mum, but living with him, doing everything while he doesnt help, talk to me, and goes out alone and wont take me out or take a break with me...
etc...do you get me? she will have and as any woman does, when they make a serious commitment consider if the man she is with and is making a huge sacrifice or life changing thing, be wroth all of it.
and you know what? here you are, having told her you wanted something serious, AND SHE HAVING DONE THAT, AND MADE THAT COMMITMENT TO YOU, saying you want to go out, and do things by yourself, and not involve her at all.
my advice? stop seing her as your unwanted guest. for a guy to want a family with a woman, it must mean you felt so deeply for her. any guy i know will run a mile away. even my husband did when i said to him on our second date i only want a serious relationship and that mean, only if he thought at that present time i can possibly be person he may consider marrying- but just that at the present time he didn't see anything to say not gonna happen, or doubts. as i was from another country, with the possibility that wont be in uk. he left saying i dont know.... etc.. my point being, you would ahve been head over heels for this girl and it is very rare to find a girl any guy would be head over heels to want to move in with and want to have children with.
so i dont doubt you love her. its possible you very much do, but the current feeling of being suffocated with no freedom, is making you doubt things.
so lets just list things out that might help and start seeing things in a different perspective that could actually really help you develop and grow up and take responsibility and have a healthy relationship.
Can I say- if you can really be more supportive and do the below which i am going to say- gosh you would be so much more lucky than my husband and i and we would both be envious of you and wish we had, so DONT RUIN IT. YOU HAVE SOMETHING REALLY GOOD AND MOST GUYS WOULD WANT TO FIND THAT GIRL THEY FEEL THEY WANT TO START A FAMILY WITH- COS TO FEEL THAT SHE MUST FEEL LIKE THE ONE.
so start by
1) tell her yo will try to change and include her in your life and to from this day forth share you life with her.
2) make her feel like family- because she will be your family- your girlfriend/ or baby moma. your family will know her for the rest of their lives. and so would all your future and present friends. so introduce her to all and be proud of her. she loves you enough to want to be making this life changing decision. treat her with respect, and honor her. talk about her always lovingly.
3) spend time wit her this means- get to know what she wants to accomplish in life, dreams, hopes, and share yours. so you both know what you want and then encourage each other that post birth of the baby, you will support each other to achieve it. and to be role models to you child that having a baby does not mean the end of achieving things in life. it might take longer, but you can both work on a plan and feel positive and discuss each others fears- which no doubt you both will have with a baby on the way.
4) start doing things in the house like a team- be initiate. dont have to having to tell you do this do that and waiting on her to tell you. instead think and say well if she is going to have sleepless nights, i need to offfer or maybe do the dishes while she bathes the baby, or many i will go to bet at 2am if she goes to bed after bathing the baby at 7pm, and i will sty up 7-2am and tend to his needs while she gets some sleep and that way, 2am till i get back at 6, speand time with her and the baby, and ket her catch up on sleep as her day would be longer, and i will help out doing the stuff in the house left to do and look after the baby till 2. etc.. work on a plan now so that when the baby comes, u have an idea and not to affraid. where as if you dont talk about it, she can be panicking about everything thinkng she will be a single mum cos the way u are now, you are as though, she would be. when the babhy comes, trust me, you wont want it to sleep all the time, sometimes u will want it up so you can spend more time. if you will hate not being there. Any new father will tell you its the best thing except for the early months of lack of sleep. but if you work as a team both u and your girl can get through things in life together.
5) be spontaneous, fine u may have your date night every friday- but that can bore or make her feel a bit lonely too. come home and pick out a dress for her, and tell her you want to go out if she's up for it, and talk about anything- be it the future, a holiday, ask question about something you both dont know and say we should find out.. make plans to wanna know things you both dont know, so she will have something or u will have something to talk about once u know the answer. being at home, living together, can get monotonous with nothing new. so discovering new things together is team building but also engages you and keeps you both fresh in the relationship.
6) encourage her to invite friends over or do things out, with out you on the house or with her, to give her space, and like wise she will do the same for you. but do this once you both have met and gotten to know each others friends and you both have shown your friends the nature of a loving and supportive relationship- so there is trust and encouragement and support to help you guys through this huge phase.
7) no one wants to be in each others face all the time, so dont worry,and over dramatise things in your head that you would need to be with her seated next to her all the time. she will either want to chat to her friends on the phone if she cant go out, or surf the net for baby stuff and learn more about pregnancy, r once the baby comes, she will be busy all the time. if it not feedig the baby or hanging it, it would be what ca she do before it wakes up. like getting the laundry done, changing the sheets, washing its bottles, getting the hospital or midwife appointment in check etc... its never ending, so dont think you are going to loose your freedom.just be there to help share the responsibility, and u will both be able to squeeze in some time for you friends or doing your own thing. but life is not worth living if you dont have anyone to confide in, and it can be very lonely.
partly why you are here is because you havent built a confidant and you haven opened up to see things in her prespective or this situation as out of the box just how amazing and lucky you are. dont crew it up. i've given you adivice to say part of growing up is relaising you need to have or make a lifelong commitment to someone you can trust to be your confidant. there is no better person to start with than the person who is willing to do everything for you. she fits the bill and gosh howmany guys out there would like to meet that girl, where everythig hapens quickly and she loved you and you feel you want a family with her. wow! guys date so many and dont click in that way. you did. even in the animal word of men- guys will have sex but hen it comes to a woman saying i want your baby- they will run a mile. here u are saying you wanted that with her. to find that and feel that way about someone is what makes a guy and girl want to marry. be happy, and feel blessed, and be willing to open youself up. dont shut the door and keep her in the dark, left having you baby and feeling lonely. thats what she is saying when she says she's lonely.
with regards to cheating on her and not feeling bad- you feel that way as you are trying to distance yourself from this situation than comprehend what is happening. it like running away. and u question if you really love her and stay stuff like she deserves better. truth is she derserves to be treated better than you are treating her now as a girlfriend as well as as THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. you child will have no connection to you when it grows up if u haven't learn to open up, and his mom cant talk highly of you and how you wanted to achive things in life and the support you both gave each other as a role model. no woman would marry a guys or be in a relationship for long if there is no emotional connection and she fells lonely/separated and not as a couple outside of the room of just the two of you. why thow it all away and miss out on possibly the bst thing and supportive relationship with a child in the picture than a life with dating woman, and your child growing up with another man who will step up as his step father.
Eveywoman will question a single guy who has a child but didnt want to work things out with the baby mom. yours is just selfishness and and if you dont change or cant be open even to them, they wont consider you as longterm material. so like i said- prt of growing up is about building realtionshops that are longterm-like confidants. and you owe it to your baby mama as you wanted the baby, and to try and give it a shot.
I really appreciate your in-depth reply.
That being said I still don't feel heard and understood. Lots of what you said definitely resonates, but I certainly need to elaborate more about myself.
I don't know why, but I strongly believe I am entitled to anything I desire, even if at the expense of others. This is what I am trying to figure out and change, I know it is not good for my own karma and that is truly the only reason I am seeking help. I do not know why I am so selfish and self-centered. It's gotten me in trouble in other places then just relationships, like at work. I feel like I am a genuine narcissistic sociopath. I keep doing things like taking advantage of others, stealing and lying and I only seem to care when I am caught or being patronized. I constantly take things for granted. I realize my behaviors after the fact, sometimes with regret, most often without. I've already been divorced, I can see the pattern now.
It takes me a long time to process emotions, sometimes even months (I am an INTP if that helps), making the communication even more difficult.
This is why I said this baby might be exactly what I need to grow. I do not have empathy for others and I sincerely love being alone, all the time, FAR MORE then with anybody, EVER. Please just wrap your head around that before answering. I would never take a bullet for anybody and I expect the same treatment.
I do not give a flying f about her, relationships, women, the child or any other human - I do not care whether they live, or if they die a brutal death. Some have said well you must not love her. I have thought about this a great deal, only to come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not capable of love because a part of me does not love myself... but I do not understand, because to me to love yourself is to put yourself first and I seem to be a master at that.
So how do I develop emotional capabilities such as empathy and compassion?
I don't think you should be in a serious relationship with anyone (since you seem borderline sociopath), and I seriously don't think you should have any other kids.
I am not going to sit here and try to explain how to "feel" and throw a pity party for you. That's stupid. And I'm not going to look up what type of "personality" INTP is - only stupid tools believe those mean shit, anyway. You don't care about the woman you got pregnant, you don't care about your unborn child, you don't care about anyone really. You're just being an asshole is all. An asshole of an asshole.
Well, you can't really do that anymore, you've at least got to give the woman her regular child support payments which she is soon to be owed. Maybe you can do one better and actually be there for the kid.
Since you seem to be far off from having your shit together, with a child on the way, I doubt you are going to change your ways in time for this to be good for anyone. You shouldn't put it on this kid to magically be the catalyst to change you, when you know damn well only you can change you.
And you should at least take your bullshit off of the other people in your life who don't deserve it. Stop wasting the mother's time if you don't want her, and stop wasting the kid's time if you're gonna be a lousy dad to it. If that's the case, let them have their own lives now and keep yours our of theirs'.
You really sound like you want to change. That's good.
Seek professional help to find out why you are so emotionally unavailable to others and where this huge sense of entitlement comes from.
In any case, there is an obligation to the child. You must get outside of yourself to take care of that, at least.
Regret is a toxic feeling and will eat away at you as you get older. Whatever you decide to do, get help to guide you.
Fact is I do care, otherwise I wouldn't be seeking answers. I've met real sociopaths, maybe I exaggerated by saying I am one, but I know I can be an extremely cruel an insensitive person sometimes, with very sadist tendencies. I seem to have very selected feelings and I do not understand why. It's like I can have the best time of my life beside a dying man and yet I can cry to a Disney movie. Too many video games or broken hearts as a child? Maybe.
I appreciate the advice SUSIEDQQ, professional help would be a good idea. I'm not sure where to start though. It seems like every time I go for an appt I don't know what to say.
I'm going to be an amazing dad and yes I'll be there for her and all that - don't worry, I understand responsibilities despite my philosophical view points. Point is I am completely divided inside, and completely faithful only to myself.