I realized today that I'm depressed and this is why. I am aware of how long the story is. There is no way to tell it shorter without expressing myself clearly.
I'm 21 years old, in college and a girl. I'm sensitive by nature, but I think my self esteem is or used to be in a pretty good place.
It started about two years ago. I started college. I was lonely and homesick. Within four months, I was in a serious relationship with a handsome guy my age who I wouldn't say is a bad guy, but was very particular and made some mistakes.
It was clear that he loved me dearly and I loved him too, but neither of us in a healthy way. He was extremely possessive and I was jealous. A few months after we started dating he initiated a fling with one of my close friends from high school by stealing her number from my phone. When it happened I guess it was just my intuition, but I knew, despite having no proof yet.
Long story short, my trust diminished over the course of the next two years as I knew that he was in a relationship with her behind my back. I had no confidence to confront him because my evidence was not solid enough and I did not want to come across as crazy. I didn't confide in anyone about it. I guess it just silently took a toll on me as I had to pretend to him that I knew nothing and kept a smile.
I found out after two years, during the Christmas holidays, through a good friend, that I was indeed correct. I was heartbroken, but not surprised. Subconsciously I made the decision to detach myself from him emotionally and be rational about the situation, which I did successfully.
He had no idea that I had found out. He still doesn't. When class started again I continued to date him with slightly weaker feelings for him, searching for alternative reasons to break up with him.
Within two weeks, the reason came. During the makeup period of a heavy argument, he confessed a secret. It wasn't a huge one. Essentially, he told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was a virgin like me. We made the decision to lose our virginities to each other because we were both religious and felt we were in love. But as it turned out, he was not a virgin to begin with, and had used the claim to sleep with me.
I broke up with him that weekend, a week before my birthday, using his "betrayal of my morals" as an excuse to escape a suffocating relationship.
This is where the story really begins, and for a long time, I believed it was a happy one.
Naturally, there was heartbreak and confusion. I had a strong support system of very close housemates and friends. I immediately began to hang out with them more because I no longer had a possessive boyfriend to stop me.
This is where affinity for alcohol began, as they were avid party goers and binge drinkers, as students are. Despite being solid sober emotional support, they encouraged me to drink and dance to forget. It worked wonders, except for the mornings where I woke up in my bed, feeling alone.
Feeling alone led to desperation. I developed a crush on an attractive boy in my class. He and I had a very sexual fling for a few weeks and in my desperate mind, he was an ideal boyfriend. I wasn't clingy, but he made his disinterest clear within a few weeks and I was crushed.
Within a week, I set up a date with a very important guy called Tom (not his real name). Tom is the "hero" of the story. He and I had been close friends since my first year and since that year I had had a massive crush on him. We texted often throughout my relationship with my ex until now but just as friends as I was entirely convinced he was not interested in me.
Tom is a much less confident guy than my ex. He has never been in a serious relationship and is most certainly shy. I always told myself he would be the first guy I would go for when I was single again. Now was the time.
Our date that week was a non-sex booty call. At 3 in the morning he picked me up to watch movies and drink wine in his hostel room and we spoke for hours. We continued doing this twice a week for four months. I loved getting drunk with him and he loved getting drunk with me.
It gets more interesting. Throughout this entire time, December through July, I was still in contact with my cheating ex. And, you guessed it, I was still having sex with him three times a week.
I was too weak to get over him by ceasing contact. He and I were both too smitten to do so, so we instead agreed to remain friends. This soon lead to having sex. We were both using sex in the same way: being rough and impersonal, to detach lust from love, so that the lust was the only thing remaining. It worked for me.
Being stronger, he soon realized that it was against his faith to have sex without being in love and so he wanted to stop. I wasn't quite ready to let go of him yet, so I lied to him, claiming that I still loved him and thus the sex was not immoral. I guess he must have still loved me, because he agreed to continue. Meanwhile, my unoccupied heart was beginning to drift towards Tom.
My ex was intensely hurt by my seeing my other fling and Tom, even though Tom was nothing sexual. My ex decided to end all contact with me, and I did not care.
Long story short, by November, Tom and I had been exclusively dating for two months. Our wine and movie nights had progressed into sex in August when Tom and I got far too drunk one night and he no longer felt shy. I was elated to finally be dating my crush. And better yet, I was the one to take his virginity.
My pride was in the air and I was in love. He liked me a lot too, and we were having sex every day, up to fifteen times a day.
Having had sex in this manner since August, I fell pregnant. I knew within a week of conceiving because my intuition is sharp. It was confirmed by the test. I cried for five minutes and promptly sat up, stopped crying and called my best friend from my hostel in my first year.
Telling Tom was not an option and will never be one. He is from a conservative family and although he will certainly own up to it and support me, I'm not sure that he would be happy with my decision to have an abortion.
My best friend, being the only person I will ever tell, went to town with me where I arranged to meet with a dodgy nurse to give me a legal (yes, I'm sure), but expensive packet filled with abortion pills.
Following four weeks of bleeding, pain and complications, the tests showed that I was no longer pregnant. The easiest method was not to think about what I was doing so that I couldn't have any doubts or second thoughts.
It's the new year, and Tom and I are still exclusively dating. I am completely paranoid about still being pregnant despite the test results. I could swear my stomach is growing. I can't stop thinking about it. I am going to take another pregnancy test tomorrow and I am scared.
I have been hoping that the tens of morning after pills I have been taking every month as well as alcohol would be solving the issue. I can't start using the pill until I'm sure I'm no longer pregnant because I've heard it masks pregnancy symptoms.
Tom never found out about the abortion. It's very difficult not to tell him, particularly when I have other health problems and he asks to take me to the doctor. I don't want the doctors to examine me and tell me I'm pregnant in his presence. I have been putting off going to the doctor about my intense cervical pains since November.
I also need to find a way to tell my parents and friends that I essentially failed my third year of my degree due to having my focus elsewhere this past year.
I'm writing this, because Tom has just finalized his plans to go on an overseas holiday with two of his guy friends in a few months. I've just spent the past five hours using the internet to convince me that he won't cheat on me and have a one night stand with a foreigner when he goes. I can't find it in myself to trust him and it's crushing me.
I want to be to cool girlfriend that's ok with him doing anything he wants. I wouldn't dream of letting him know that I don't want him to. I don't understand why it's so hard for me.
I know I'm crazy