I think something is wrong with me and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it
I think I'm going through an existential crisis.
I wish I could be everything that I'm not, but at the same time I don't
Such as gender. I really want to be nothing, but I know that some people think that its an attention thing or whatever. I really don't care what I am, but sometimes I do. I don't even like people of any anything, and so that makes me believe that there is something wrong with me.
I don't want to give off the impression that I am some sort of special snowflake, that is not my goal. I just want to know if there's anybody out there that feels the same way.
I've spent my entire life living as something I never wanted to be because that's what my family believe that I am, and so I just went with it. And I still do, they don't know how I feel and I don't plan on telling them.
I really don't know why I feel this way, part of me doesn't care but the other part really wants to know and express these feelings.
I'm not good with emotions, so I really don't know what's going on here and I hope someone somewhere knows something.
Firstly, it's a bit tricky. You didn't clearly state what the real issue is. If its a topic on transgender or so.
But if it's a topic on feeling the need to be away from family social status and have a quiet and simple life, one can easily relate with you.
If the latter is the case, it's not a bad feel.
Suggest you take some time off from family or your comfort zone and go on some sort of retreat or natural vacation in a lonely and quiet place to see and be in touch with nature and live a simple life for a while, and then return back to the normal world of noise and daily hustle and bustle.
I for one take a yearly vacation to a monastery, where they have no cellular network or TV or any of the usual modern day life tools.
I just go there and see what it feels like to live a life of naturality like the historical early men or Adam and Eve in the Holy book.
Wish you all the best in which ever path you thread on.
Yes, can you clarify/go into specifics and detail more, please, AN?
Be as lengthy as you want and need.
Dear AN, I hear what you’re saying, I must say you sound confused and unsettled. I can identify with your confusion, it's very frustrating when you want something and then again you don't. I must admit though that there some things I don't quite understand. You say you wish you could be everything you are not, but then again you don't. Let me ask this, what is "everything you're not"? You also said that when it comes to gender you wish you were neither. I would suggest you talk with a family counselor (someone who won’t judge you), one such organization is Focus on the Family; you can call them at 1-800-232-6459 M-F: 6 a.m. – 8 p.m. MST. You're seeking guidance and they would be a good bet. Two other sources are https://livehope.org
and another is http://www.livingout.org/
And finally your best resource is Prayer; talking with your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ can bring you clarity. I don’t know if you have any experience with prayer, but when I’m confused, I find it to be very helpful. I believe that God is always ready to listen to whatever we have to say, so I just start sharing with him what is on my heart. I ask Him my questions, share my fears and doubts, and even things that I’m really happy about. Something I do this out loud, sometimes in my head, and sometimes I write out prayers in a journal. It is so helpful to just talk with someone I know is always there. Have you ever prayed before? If you have questions, I would be happy to answer them. I'll be praying for you and wish you the best. Feel free to respond to me if you have any questions.
Yes, there are a lot of people out there who feels the same way. It doesn't seem like it, because they don't talk about it, much like how you don't want to talk about it with your family or whomever. It's so easy to be misunderstood, right? or judged. Ant its not pretty cool to talk about these things, about existence, or meaning...when most people are not thinking about it...or refuse to think about it.
I can totally relate with you because i spent most of my younger years feeling the way that you do. I was always searching for meaning, and started quite very young, when kids my age were just absorbed in games and parties and whatever was trending. Year after year i begin to believe more and more that there must be something wrong with me, why im not like the rest, although...yes, i felt more like i was special...but wouldnt want also to give anyone that kind of impression as you said.
It's a lonely life, when you're a person like that... and I was always torn between wanting to be like everyone else and wanting to remain the special person i know i am. not liking people, yet wanting to find "my people." i had so much lessons to learn... if you're more like myself, you're very much welcome if you'd want to talk more.