Just wondering if anyone has any advise how to deal with this?
Really, there are multiple issues that need addressing. This is the last straw . . .
Couples counseling is in order.
He's gained a lot of weight (why?)
You are working 80 hours a week and he's not doing anything (what a resentment builder)
There's no sex.
You don't talk about no sex.
He goes out with his single friends (Where did he get the $$ for that?)
Gets so drunk that he ends up with #3 girl of girls that were brought back to the house.
He feels remorse about what happen.
You are stuck feeling that he's a cheat instead of seeing him as a guy that has issues, got drunk and lost his judgement.
If you are going to resolve this, then both of you go see a counselor to figure out what you are going to do to get through this. Either that, or it's going to eat you up.
I don't think there is a simple answer to this, but I can share how it has been for me so far. Four years ago, I was in a similar situation where my boyfriend of 3 years (at the time) cheated on me. He was and is my best friend, he is the person I connect with most in this world, and I knew even at the time that he genuinely regretted it and only wanted/loved me. I knew that he took full responsibility. He was very clear that it was all on him, and he let me cry and vent and yell at him whenever I needed to, and he held me and he listened. We went to couples counseling for a while. I chose to give it a chance, because I do think there is a difference between someone who will cheat once, and someone who will cheat again - between someone who cheats because they're lost and someone who cheats because they're selfish. I have seen both personalities. Anyway, it was very painful and a huge strain on the relationship for a very long time. I was SO hurt and I had so much resentment, even though I consider myself a compassionate and forgiving person. It just doesn't matter, you're hurt. It took 3 years (I've read that 2 years or so is typical) for it to not be in my thoughts every day and a source of resentment for every conversation we had.
We are married now. He is a wonderful, faithful husband. He puts me first, he cares so much, he's attentive, he truly does everything he can think of to make sure I'm okay, cared for, feeling loved. But we still have a lot of the same problems in partnership as we've always had - the ones that have nothing to do with cheating. I'm over the cheating, I honestly am now.
But the other issues are still there... for you, these would be the imbalance in working, the weight (likely a sign that he's not dealing with some internal issues), the going out with his single friends, the getting THAT drunk etc. You may eventually get over the cheating (though it WILL take time and he has to be patient with you or he's not worth it), but the things that make a good partner are deeper than just sexual fidelity. You have to decide whether you think he's capable of putting aside his ego and his apparent sense of entitlement, and growing A LOT. If he's not someone who's capable of this type of growth, you don't stand a chance of being happy with him. And if he IS capable and it IS worth it to you BOTH, then you have a difficult, challenging road ahead of you for a while. It can be very rewarding, but you must both be very strong of heart to endure it.
I do feel the issues have all stemmed from him not working. He used to do a lot of exercise at work which has lead to the weight gain. He has literally never been out with his friends when I am off work, I know he doesn't ever want to, he only did it when I was at work and he was bored of sitting in the house all week on his own!
He says he felt disgusting and I didn't want to have sex with him anymore so he didn't try or take the hint when I did! And we never talked about any of these issues!
I think I am realising a lot of this has been down to his low self esteem due to the above issues and he got shown the slightest attention and took it for a minute until he realised what he was doing!
He now has a job lined up and starts next month, he's decided to try to lose weight is going out running and eating healthy. He's also said how selfish he was always going out when I was at work and it was due to boredom. I guess he now just has to prove what he says is all true!
I'm not blaming any of this on you. But I am saying the pair of you didn't deal with his problem well. Maybe now you can look at things as a couple, communicate better, and don't just hint about affection and sex. You both need it.
There are several techniques to insure that the things that get neglected don't. I liked the couple that set a countdown timer (12 hours, 24, 36 or whatever you like. For them that meant the other person had that maximum time to arrange for intimate time together. No hints but time to anticipate and get in the right mood.
I guess just knowing others think the same is reassuring so thank you.
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?