|Posted by CHEZ49 on Jan 9 2017 at 19:19|
My boyfriend is not the type to cheat at all and hates the idea of it. We have been together 3 years and own a house together. He lost his job and put on a lot of weight whereas I was working 80 hours a week. Me rarely had sex anymore and never talked about it. He went on a night out with his single friends and ended up back at his friends house with his friend and 3 girls. 2 of his friends ended up in the other bedrooms with 2 of the girls and my boyfriend stayed to talk to this girl as she was on her own apparently in the living room. They were very drunk and I remember he was when he got home. Basically was he was talking the girl started to undo his belt and he then helped take off his clothes and she jumped on after about 30 secs he realised what he was doing and stopped it and left. The girl has also backed this up after being tricked into it and initially telling lies about Stis. I have decided to give him another chance. I know he loves me and strangely I do trust him because of how guilty and terrible he feels he's so ashamed he's a cheat! My main issue is I can't get over the fact he did it in the first place. I just keep thinking hothis will always be hanging over us. How can I spend my life with a cheat. Will all arguments come back to that? It's only been 2 weeks since I found out but I am struggling to deal with it. I think it's because I never in a. Million years thought he'd cheat.
Just wondering if anyone has any advise how to deal with this?
|Reply from SUSIEDQQ on Jan 9 2017 at 21:55|
All the things you listed in your post about him, and you ask, "How can I spend my life with a cheat?"?
Really, there are multiple issues that need addressing. This is the last straw . . .
Couples counseling is in order.
|Reply from CHEZ49 on Jan 10 2017 at 20:11|
What do you mean?
|Reply from SUSIEDQQ on Jan 10 2017 at 22:22|
He's out of work (what's he doing about that?)
He's gained a lot of weight (why?)
You are working 80 hours a week and he's not doing anything (what a resentment builder)
There's no sex.
You don't talk about no sex.
He goes out with his single friends (Where did he get the $$ for that?)
Gets so drunk that he ends up with #3 girl of girls that were brought back to the house.
He feels remorse about what happen.
You are stuck feeling that he's a cheat instead of seeing him as a guy that has issues, got drunk and lost his judgement.
If you are going to resolve this, then both of you go see a counselor to figure out what you are going to do to get through this. Either that, or it's going to eat you up.
|Reply from WHATISLIFE on Jan 11 2017 at 22:45|
Generally, I agree with Susie in that multiple issues need to be addressed. Couples counseling can help with some of this if the relationship is worth working on to you.
I don't think there is a simple answer to this, but I can share how it has been for me so far. Four years ago, I was in a similar situation where my boyfriend of 3 years (at the time) cheated on me. He was and is my best friend, he is the person I connect with most in this world, and I knew even at the time that he genuinely regretted it and only wanted/loved me. I knew that he took full responsibility. He was very clear that it was all on him, and he let me cry and vent and yell at him whenever I needed to, and he held me and he listened. We went to couples counseling for a while. I chose to give it a chance, because I do think there is a difference between someone who will cheat once, and someone who will cheat again - between someone who cheats because they're lost and someone who cheats because they're selfish. I have seen both personalities. Anyway, it was very painful and a huge strain on the relationship for a very long time. I was SO hurt and I had so much resentment, even though I consider myself a compassionate and forgiving person. It just doesn't matter, you're hurt. It took 3 years (I've read that 2 years or so is typical) for it to not be in my thoughts every day and a source of resentment for every conversation we had.
We are married now. He is a wonderful, faithful husband. He puts me first, he cares so much, he's attentive, he truly does everything he can think of to make sure I'm okay, cared for, feeling loved. But we still have a lot of the same problems in partnership as we've always had - the ones that have nothing to do with cheating. I'm over the cheating, I honestly am now.
But the other issues are still there... for you, these would be the imbalance in working, the weight (likely a sign that he's not dealing with some internal issues), the going out with his single friends, the getting THAT drunk etc. You may eventually get over the cheating (though it WILL take time and he has to be patient with you or he's not worth it), but the things that make a good partner are deeper than just sexual fidelity. You have to decide whether you think he's capable of putting aside his ego and his apparent sense of entitlement, and growing A LOT. If he's not someone who's capable of this type of growth, you don't stand a chance of being happy with him. And if he IS capable and it IS worth it to you BOTH, then you have a difficult, challenging road ahead of you for a while. It can be very rewarding, but you must both be very strong of heart to endure it.
|Reply from CHEZ49 on Jan 12 2017 at 08:52|
Thank you for that.
I do feel the issues have all stemmed from him not working. He used to do a lot of exercise at work which has lead to the weight gain. He has literally never been out with his friends when I am off work, I know he doesn't ever want to, he only did it when I was at work and he was bored of sitting in the house all week on his own!
He says he felt disgusting and I didn't want to have sex with him anymore so he didn't try or take the hint when I did! And we never talked about any of these issues!
I think I am realising a lot of this has been down to his low self esteem due to the above issues and he got shown the slightest attention and took it for a minute until he realised what he was doing!
He now has a job lined up and starts next month, he's decided to try to lose weight is going out running and eating healthy. He's also said how selfish he was always going out when I was at work and it was due to boredom. I guess he now just has to prove what he says is all true!
|Reply from ONTHEROAD on Jan 12 2017 at 21:25|
In a relationship you are going to have down times together and you work yourselves out of them together. You will also have down times individually and you work through those together. But one of you is doing well and that one has to be prepared to shoulder more of the load. When a man loses his job it's a blast to his very existence. He needs a lot of emotional support and needs to know you value him and need him.
I'm not blaming any of this on you. But I am saying the pair of you didn't deal with his problem well. Maybe now you can look at things as a couple, communicate better, and don't just hint about affection and sex. You both need it.
There are several techniques to insure that the things that get neglected don't. I liked the couple that set a countdown timer (12 hours, 24, 36 or whatever you like. For them that meant the other person had that maximum time to arrange for intimate time together. No hints but time to anticipate and get in the right mood.
|Reply from CHEZ49 on Jan 13 2017 at 08:22|
Thanks for all the advice. I think I already knew most of it anyway, I knew we weren't right and he was feeling worthless at the time , I tried to help but since I was always at work it was almost impossible!
I guess just knowing others think the same is reassuring so thank you.
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