Feeling extremely hurt and need advice. His physical wants while I'm ill!
BANANAS - Jan 11 2017 at 06:00
I'm feeling really hurt and disrespected right now. My partner of nearly 4 yrs and I are in a huge disagreement.
Currently I have been sick. Multiple illnesses, and now I need oral surgery. My face is swollen and infected. Hurts to eat, move my jaw, talk, everything. And this is during and after other illness. The antibiotics I have taken have also given me a personal woman problem. That requires that awesome expensive medicine no woman likes to go buy. Cause purchasing a box of monistat isnt exactly discreet. I'm in horrible pain until this surgery with the lovely itchy side effects of antibiotics. So I'm feeling like a gross hot mess.
I am the only one for the past year with a job. Support us and multiple children. He brings in whatever he hustles up each week, but no paycheck. Being sick so long is going to be pretty financially detrimental right now. We are barely scraping by, and I'm choosing diapers over a box of this much needed medicine. Waiting to have my jaw cut open soon, missing work that our family relies on.
And he's asking for his sexual wants to be met. I say wants, cause he just got some Friday. Yes, that was a 4 days ago, but I've been sick. No, can I get you anything? Can I make you feel better? I know we need money, let me do whatever it takes to come up with money for some medicine and other household needs. Nope. I get him saying, and I quote, you still have a hand. Does it hurt to even try, or use hot breathe. You're neglecting what I need.
These are his statements tonight. I told him he was so selfish that I didn't want him home. I am hurt. Things have been hard lately between us. But in my opinion, sometimes everything needs a pause, especially when it comes to medical needs. I am already resentful and pissed off he isn't working, and can't step up as the financial provider as is, but especially when something like this comes up. But now I'm feeling used. Feeling like the pain I'm in and needing some dang expensive cream is less important than him wanting sex!!!! Am I wrong here? Any advice is welcome for both of us. Thanks.
I truly understand your situation. The worst thing a human can experience is not being healthy or well. When one is sick, he/she needs extra attention, that's natural. If someone is demanding any favors at this instance that means there is something terribly wrong with that person. I understand you are going through a difficult period, people around you should be helpful rather than demanding.
You both are in a situation where you will need an involvement of a third party, such as counselling. I personally feel that if you get professional help at this stage it would be beneficial for both of you. Delaying this will aggravate the situation and will go beyond what you would even imagine. Also when you are getting ready for a surgery you should have a piece of mind, not carry millions of problems in your head.
I wish you both good luck and I hope this problem will be over soon. I think you two have plenty of good life ahead. Don't just waste it.
You are NOT wrong. There is too much on your shoulders right now, and he is not being a very good partner. He really should be working harder to share some of the responsibility, but if he can't (at the very least) find some compassion and empathy for you, what are you really getting out of the relationship?? In a loving, long term relationship, there have to be periods of "pause" (I like this word how you used it)... and it has to be okay. My husband and I have had pauses, and it feels a little weird (like is something wrong with our relationship?)... but actually to me it feels like a huge sign of respect from him to me. It's an acknowledgement that mending our relationship and looking out for me are more important than constant sex.
Your partner is being quite manipulative by telling you that you are neglecting his needs. You don't deserve that. He needs to come around and see things from your perspective... or your resentment will only continue to grow. Of course, you have to be respectful and kind in this process so that he stands a chance, but if he can't figure out how to do it, you won't be at peace with him.
I'm usually one for being forgiving and working together. But in this case I'd kick his butt out.
Poor sweet heart......if it were me I'd wait on you hand and foot til you were well again..
(...and then give it another, bigger kick for good measure!)
Sorry, but (ref 'terrible person') - damn right! He in fact sounds like a Grade A, typical, over-entitled, master-slave, Narcissist! But don't feel foolish,  it's only been 4 years, under constant distractions and demands at that, and  the more strong, capable and kind/decent a person you are, the more you'll be a perfect target for this type. After all, a giant taker needs a - yep, that's right - giant giver. So you give, give, give, and he basically does just enough to give the impression he's trying to contribute while in reality his contribution and your resultant sense of safety/security regarding such is nigh-on negligible, meanwhile making selfish-to-point-of-UNREASONABLE demands even under highly inappropriate, unkind circumstances.
"Me-me-me-and-only-me and sod you, even when you need a husband-supporter by *anyone's* standards!".
Again - agree - poor you!
It's serious talk and ultimatum time.