Am i his wife or his mother

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Posted by WHATISLIFE on Jan 11 2017 at 18:20
Member since: 11 January 2017
Gender: Female
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category My husband is honestly the person I connect with most in this world - best friend, soul mate, all that crap. He's a wonderful person and I know he wants to be a good husband. But I often feel more like a parent than a spouse. If I don't see the big picture, make the right choices on both our behalf, take responsibility for finances and the future, make more money, help him with school, etc., then I know that we will suffer in the long-term. He wants to do well and he tries, but I just don't know if he is capable.

He is always there for me, he puts me first, he genuinely loves me. I always thought that would be most important and would be enough. But it's not. I feel like a terrible person and I want to be with him, but as people all too often find, love is NOT actually enough. I've tried to support and encourage his independence and his endeavors so that he can gain confidence/knowledge/skills and better help me in the future. But sometimes it seems this may never pay off. He would be a wonderful father, but I can't imagine starting a family... adding to the child I already have. He deserves true unconditional love. These days all I have is a growing resentment.

Reply from HEATHERRK13 on Jan 12 2017 at 03:18
Member since: 12 January 2017
Gender: Female
Typically (in my opinion) once resentment starts to take hold it is near impossible to get away from it. Maybe try giving him small things to do? Then gradually work up to him taking on more things. Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about it? If he does genuinely love you then he will hear you when you say that he is messing up and needs to step up. Communication is key in a relationship, and if it's not 50/50 then resentment will grow and poison the relationship. Regardless of what you try to do.
Reply from ONTHEROAD on Jan 12 2017 at 21:28
Member since: 03 November 2016
Gender: Male
Sit down together and divide responsibilities. You each get some and some you schedule times to handle together. Then, forget about his things.
Reply from SUSIEDQQ on Jan 13 2017 at 02:19
Member since: 27 December 2013
'He deserves true unconditional love."

Really? How do you figure that?

There's no such thing, really, except in a parent/little child situation.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That's what's going on!!

You two have some roles that have been developed and agreed upon. Sounds like this has been going on for a long time.

Counseling is in order. For you to give up the mothering role and for him to get back his dignity.

(and don't start a family unless/until he shows he can be a partner and parent and you insist on a fully participating husband)

Reply from ALTREAL on Jan 14 2017 at 22:36
Member since: 20 August 2015
Gender: Male
Hi Whatislife,

I've been trying to hold off responding to this issue, but I feel like I just have to. The thing is, I was in kind of a similar situation to your husband.

Are you much older than your husband? I don't think younger guy/older woman can really work out long-term to be honest, unless maybe the guy is successful in his own right and has a lot of things going for him.

I hated that my ex always tried taking on the "mother" role, and always tried controlling our relationship. It did not help my self-esteem one bit. I felt like I never got to make any decisions that really mattered in the relationship, and anytime I tried to have some control or stand up for myself, I would pretty swiftly get shut down by someone talking more loudly and more angrily than me.

Over time, I came to realize that part of the reason why my ex did this is because she was afraid to let me have any sort of control in our relationship, and that she never felt secure with me. It was her way of keeping us together, and keeping me from realizing that I wanted to be with someone else. It had its good moments, but we weren't right for each other. That becomes more true as you continue to change and realize what you do and don't want in a relationship at this stage of your life.

I'm not implying that your situation is exactly as mine was, Whatislife, but the fact of the matter is a relationship just doesn't work out when one person tries to control everything. It needs to be an equal thing. It is not for you to decide whether or not he is "capable". You are either happy with his standing in life and his love that he has to offer, or else you need to break up.

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