Confused about relationship and beat down in life
I am really feeling low today. I have to make this fast with a follow up later. I just want people to read since I have not really told anyone my whole story. I was almost a graduate with my IT degree from WGU B.S. For me this was a real self esteem boost, but I felt overstressed and alone. I had neglected what friends I had and hadn't had a gf for about 6 years. my confidence is a bit shaky there. I attract women, but I don't really think very well of myself. I met a Filipino woman on a Christian dating site, and went over there for a month, came back got kicked out of school my friend hung himself, she made fun of my d in front of her friends on skype, then I lost my second job and lost my apartment. Was living in my car, working one job (no one offered me a place to stay). Then I quite drinking a case of beer a day. Quit cold turkey. and am living with my parents. My gf broke up with me. too much thinking for the relationship. we need to fix ourselves etc. and I cannot find full time work here. I filed for bankruptcy, have 73,000 dollars in debt, but found a good church. Is there hope for me. I feel like I am going crazy. I never thought I was worthless, but here I am.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh but you probably WILL be in relationships where you feel confused and hurt UNTIL you feel better with yourself and in life. You're absolutely not worthless, you're just hurt and you've clearly been through it all. You have to do things to build yourself up first... if church is something that helps you, that's good, but you'll need more. I know this is sometimes harder for guys, but you have to figure out where your pain comes from. It's deeper than the obvious, it's something you haven't grieved or have avoided dealing with in your mind. So you've coped in negative ways. You're not crazy, it's actually very normal to cope in unhealthy ways, which can lead to kind of a spiral effect in life, until you figure out what you need and how to form different habits that better serve you.
You can only focus on one thing at a time... first focus on yourself (have compassion for yourself, figure out what has led you here without judging yourself for it), and possibly the job search, or even finishing your degree if it will bring you some confidence and help in the job search.
If at all possible, find a therapist you feel comfortable with.
Most of all... focus on your own healing, forming better habits in terms of coping, and feeling good on your own. All of us attract people who are similar to us at the time... get yourself to a better place so that you can attract people that you would genuinely want to be in your life, people who will be there for you, and a girlfriend with whom you can have a loving and respectful relationship both ways.