Don't know what to do, please help
So this morning I just had an argument with my mother. I know, it was my fault starting it and I was being a ignorant person again and pissed her off. I had made my mom angry so constantly and frequently that she obviously had ENOUGH. I can tell. And she got really mad and out of control and said some really nasty and disgusting stuff. It's more nasty than you can imagine. I am a 17 year old guy, almost 18. that is a little bit shy and what you call flamboyant but it's only my personality and she made fun of me and called me a word which basically is a serious insult about someone that looks like a tranny. That disgusted me to the guts. And that was not all. I thought I am done with her. My mom loved me so much and everyone knew that but it was not the mom I know. It was not. She was trying to say stuff to hurt me as bad as she can and that's not my mom. I don't know who this is. I know it was my fault, also being a 17 year old I should be mature and not make my mother angry but what she did was... I don't even know what to say. And the funny thing is she's probably still mad at me. Since my apartment is a pretty high end apartment and they've got this computer room that you can use so I stayed here for the entire day from 10
:30 AM til now, all I ate was 2 cookies. I don't feel like sleeping because there is no way I'm going back to the same room with her. Guys, what should I do? how would you feel in this situation? This is the most horrible day of my life and I cannot think right now. I am so overwhelmed and sad.
Having flashbacks of how my mom was so sweet to me, and what happened today... I can't process it. I'd rather sleep in this computer room than going back home and be with her. So you can imagine how I feel. I just don't know what to think and I feel so horrible.
How can any mother say something like that to her OWN child? how? I'm so tired of sitting here and be like this but I have no choice.
I know she wouldn't care if I didn't even come home for an entire day because she always knew I would apologize first. Not this time. It's just when you think about it it's sad.
I don't know if I plan on ever forgiving her.
I had some brutal fights with my mother that left me sleepless at night, so I can relate.
Mothers are just people with emotions and all that entails and you've just witnessed that. She still loves you.
By not forgiving her (which is your right), you are going to carry that extra load in your heart.
Let me just say, that being called a transsexual or a transvestite (You did not say what the exact word was) should not make anyone feel offended. Transsexuals are as worthy of respect as anyone else.
You are 17. You are going to be 'leaving' the nest soon. This is nature:
Parent has child. Parent goes through HELL raising child. Sleepless nights. Worry like a 17 yr old without a child couldn't possible comprehend. Years and years of trying to rationalize and help a tiny person that has no comprehension at first that mom/dad has already been there done that. So parenting is a blessing, but it is hard and for 18+ years after a human beings birth- that parent's life is second. Period. (at least that is how a good parent's is I think)
Then child hits puberty. Child naturally tries to take on more responsibility and mature into an adult. Parent - having spent years and years stressing and buffering and protecting child- finds themselves having to step back. This is good. But can be stressful. Because now this 'tiny' human is making more grown up decisions that leaves the parent still in their home with an adult-ish person and the parent is losing control. Stress.
And the teenager is doing things to make the parent crazy. Like you said- "I know I ..." But you do this without thinking, "I'm going to make mom's life hell." No you don't do that. Because you love your mom. But you have to mature. And you are stuck between two worlds- childhood and adult. And you are trying new behaviors, trying new thoughts. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. It's nature.
Parents and children clash. Like in nature, an eagle carries her baby up above the clouds and then drops it toward the earth. The baby eagle will have to fly or the momma will catch it and do it again. This is what is happening between you two. An unconscious push and pull where you are losing the relationship that was and redefining the relationship that will be. And any human being pushed too far, carrying too much can say and do things they regret later. Hopefully this is the case and not a case of abuse. I think, once you calm down, you need to show your mom that you are becoming a young adult. Sit and talk with her. Be open about your feelings. Hold her accountable for her words so she knows that is not okay. But hold yourself and your behavior accountable, too. Be calm. This is not going to be easy. Growing up never is.