I'm losing it
Life sucks, yeah I know everyone says it and it could be worse, but plainly and simply life sucks. I'm probably going to lose my girlfriend of a year and five months because she feels like I'm more her best friend than a lover. Prior to dating her I never found anyone I actually cared about, not my friends, not my family, and definately not myself. Heck to be really honest I didn't even find a single reason to live prior to her and almost took my life on a couple occasions. To be honest I hate my family apart from my step brother. My dad treats me like shit, my mom ran out on me, my sister died of cancer (the only person other than my step brother in my family that I was close to), my little brother is just like my dad, and my step mom makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. I've spent most of my life alone and now it seems like that's exactly where I'm headed once again.
Problem with being alone is my past. I used to be an alcoholic, nicotine addict, and I was addicted to pain killers for probably four or five years. I told myself I would never go back to that but now I'm not so sure. I'm honestly terrified of myself. I've never forgiven myself for everything I've done and to make matters worse I have sever anger issues. I've went to counseling a couple times for severe depression and anxiety and it's never helped a damn bit. Sometimes I feel like I should just check myself into a psych ward because at least then I could get constant help. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.
You sound as tho you are in a really dark place. To have overcome the addictions you've had it would be such a terrible shame and waste to let them take hold of you again. I know how hard it is to fear losing someone you love and not having a family network to be there for you when it all goes tits up. I know it's going to be so hard and easy for me to stay but to have a healthy and happy stable relationship you have deal with your issues so that you are offering the very best of yourself to someone. The fact that being with someone you love has changed your views and behaviour shows that you are a good person and deserve happiness. I know you must feel as though your world is falling apart, maybe it's a good time to be the start of something really amazing, throwing out all your bad rubbish and having a relationship with yourself, learning to love yourself and your health and not letting anyone bring you down, I'm sure you will feel much more positive and any relationships you have will be healthier.