How much is too many times to forgive?
I have been dating a guy for three years and last week he asked me to marry him. I have not said yes or no as I told him I want to think about it. Every three months he gets drunk and then he will resort to using drugs "to make him sober". I have repeatedly told him I would leave if he does it again, but he disregards these warnings and has done it twice now since I said I would leave.
I love him but financially I am able to leave him, so that is not the problem.I want him to wake up and realize I am serious,I myself had a problem at one stage but I'm now 7 years clean and feel this is a negative influence in my life, any advice?
If you have been there and done that in reference to substance/alcohol abuse, then you will know that it's his responsibility to do something about it, just as you correctly state that it is a negative influence. The same applies to your relationship with him and and if, and how he respects it. Your warnings are obviously being disregarded whether it's because he's an addict or whether he doesn't care about your ultimatum, or both. You have stated the conditions of your relationship, and now it's time to stand by them and it's your choice and yours alone to make.
By marrying him, you will be accepting all of him and basically, if you need time to think about it, then it's a NO without looking for the excuses. Your instinct is kicking in to protect you. You may love him but if he does wake up, and decide to do something about his habit, it'll make no difference if you're with him or not.
Thanks for posting this question. It is smart and courageous to get more than one thought on this. I admire your decision to postpone your initial response until you thought it through. This decision is very important and can affect the rest of your life as well as your boyfriends. Perhaps using conflict resolution may help. First, review your values or the principles you wish to live by. Secondly, explore all options, which may only be three (1-Yes, I will marry you; 2-No, I cannot marry you under these conditions; 3-continue with your warnings to leave him, indefinitely). Third (and this may be the most difficult step because of the need to be totally objective) explore all potential consequences from each of these decisions. These need to reflect both optimistic and the negative potential outcomes. Fourth, choose and prepare. Fifth, evaluate as often as needed.
I will be interested in knowing what you decide. Please let me know. I hope and pray for a welcome outcome.
You've got all the warning signs. Yes, he is dangerous to your sobriety. I don't think personally that he's going to take it seriously as he's disregarded three times your threat to leave. It would probably be best to make plans to find another place to live. People like this often wind up causing or getting the other person in trouble, in more than one way. You really need a partner not this. Do your best but keep your wits about you. Many substance abusers are extremely clever manipulators and will play on your heartstrings. He might likely know your distress about this and be throwing out the marriage proposal to sway you. Even if its not a ploy, would you want to deal with this and potentially worse as time goes on? You know it won't go away and will likely get worse. The very best of luck as it is hard I know.