Losing best friend
Hi. I’m resorting to a forum because I don’t really have any friends I can confide with.
I’m a senior in high school. My best friend, (I’ll call her Jess), and I have been best friends since roughly 10th grade. While this seems like a really short amount of time, we’re extremely similar in interests, mindset, ideals, etc. In fact, we became so close people, including our families, thought we were lesbian together. In 11th grade, Jess was granted permission to graduate early. I wasn’t.
So last fall, Jess entered college. There, she met a boy, (I’ll call him Rob), and ended up forming a relationship with him. At first, it wasn’t a problem to me. She talked about him a lot, but that’s understandable, at first. Then I watched it escalate. She would cry when he left, and vice versa. The nonstop talk about him didn’t stop. It’s all I heard.
She stopped replying to my texts, and when she did, she mostly disregarded what I said so she could update me on what was going on in her life, with her and Rob. I sent her a snapchat of a song I found that I really liked (Somebody Else by the 1975). You can guess what the song means. When she opened it, she, once again, made it about her by assuming I was talking about her. There was a sarcastic “sorry” somewhere in her reply, followed by a picture of her and Rob having sex. Not really what I was expecting, and definitely crossing the line.
I think they’ve been together for maybe 3 months, now(?). Either 3 or 4. During her winter break, she blew me off three times, saying she fell asleep two of the times. I fully believe her there, but the second time, it seemed her apology was empty, and the nap was just an excuse. Both times, she didn’t even try to hang out with me after she woke up. It was just “oh I fell asleep, sorry”, and nothing. The first time, she didn’t even text me back until the next day, saying “sorry the weather has been bad”.
Rob visited twice during Jess’s winter break. The first time, Jess was all excited, saying she couldn’t wait for me to meet him. And I met him. For five minutes. Then, I was sent home, and I hardly heard from her again until Rob left. Once he did, I was a part of her world again. She hung out with me, and I easily forgave her for the hurt she caused me that week.
Then, Rob visited again, because Jess couldn’t leave early to go back to him. I expected it this time, and I was right. While she did try to get me to go on a double date with her, the guy I was talking to lives a good deal away, and I didn’t want to try finding a random person to go with me. So, I explained that, and she said “Oh okay”, then didn’t even try to create any other plans. I heard from her even less this time. I became so mad at her that, come New Year’s Eve, she asked me to come over (mostly out of sympathy), and I refused.
This whole ordeal has hurt my feelings a lot. I haven’t cried about something so much since I was 15. She insists she misses me, but actions speak louder than words. And she does know, vaguely, how I feel, via my school friend.
Now I get this is really typical, but these are my concerns.
I feel their relationship is largely based off sex. They have a lot of sex, from what she tells me. So much it seems they don’t do anything but have sex, and then maybe occasionally go out. I think that’s really really unhealthy, and Jess has a habit of letting sex with guys warp her perspective. She’s been with awful men, but the sex has been good so she convinced herself they were “sweet”. When she was home for winter break, she planned for him to visit. I was at her house at the time, and she proceeded to dissect her birth control calendar to see if they could have sex when he came over, because she “didn’t want him to go a whole month without sex”.
Me. I’ve done so much for her. I’ve taken, and paid for, classes I didn’t need just to help her out. I did a majority of her work when she got extremely, extremely sick, and I hung out with her the whole time. I have always been there for her, endlessly offering help and support, doing stuff for her, talking her through bouts of anxiety and depression, etc. And this is how she repays me? I understand when this happens in middle school. That’s supposed to happen, because you’re dumb little kids; but at our age? You should know best friends, and our kind of friendship, is more valuable than the first boy you meet at college.
She had an entire month home, and she made it all about Rob. I feel almost used. In the beginning of her break, she hung out with me a lot, but only because she wanted to paint him a Christmas gift, and I had all her old paints and brushes.
He actually upset her at one point, and she came directly to me. I so badly wanted to tell her to f*ck off, but I couldn’t, and I supported her, and was there for her. They made up, and it went back to ignoring me.
It seems like she only talks to me when it concerns Rob, or she’s upset/stressed out about something. She’ll ask me how I’m doing, but she seems to do so because she knows she’s neglected me and she feels obliged. It’s always “we haven’t talked in a while, how are you?” It hurts so much to be sidelined like this. And I don’t have anyone else. My mom and I have a crumbling relationship that’s faked most of the time. I live in such a small town, it’s really hard to make friends. She was all I really had.
Am I justified in feeling this way? Or am I overacting? How should I approach her with the problem, if I even should?
First of all, this very long complaint about the relationship is probably your way of telling yourself this friendship is over, which it should be.
Jess and Robs relationship isn't about sex, it is about drama. Both Jess and Rob really really like the drama they create and their very insular relationship. You are being used as a pawn, a sounding board for Jess to discuss and heighten her own drama. When Rob leaves, Jess will find another man and the cycle will start all over again. It will probably take Jess decades to get therapy and turn this around.
Let's only worry about you. You need another friend. You need a few more friends so you are not dependent on just one person. What kind of things are going on in your small town where you can get involved? What do you like to do? Start working on expanding your world within the limits that you have.
Thats terrible I am a lesbian and I feel like no one ever understands me im so sorry for you I hope it gets better
It’s pretty clear that your solid friendship with Jess has gone in a bad direction. But you haven’t given up on the friendship (at least the memory of it) and are patiently hoping that it can get better. I think it is clear you expect that it won’t. So this is a loss. Like other kinds off losses you are grieving. And telling you to just get over it is no help at all. I’m a little older than you but my memories of similar experiences with friendships are still all there. You deserve better. So a couple of reminders: 1. Don’t give up on your own ability to find and develop friendships. The cool thing about being a high school senior is that you get to start a new chapter in a few months. Maybe it’s a new job, or starting college, and maybe a move away from your hometown to go with it. Whatever you do next fall means there will be new people in new settings and there will be new friends to go with it. Are you planning to launch into something new that could also bring you new friendships? 2. Having some separation from Jess is probably called for since her lifestyle will be a rub for you when you are together. But, when she breaks up with Rob and before she picks up his replacement maybe she will turn to her friend (you) for advice. 3. Avoid the urge to talk about Jess to others. What may be meant by you as looking for advice or support may actually be seen as back-stabbing from someone else’s viewpoint. And big town, little town doesn’t matter—she’ll find out. Meanwhile take some credit for living a life driven by good values, whether they are faith-based or from good upbringing. Even though these are not appreciated by Jess, these values will keep your compass headed in a good direction each step of the way. I really hope this is helpful to you and you see some better days real soon.