He cheated on me while I'm pregnant.. I'm still so in love
My boyfriend and i have been best friends (with benefits) for about 6 yrs. Last feb we decided to make it official and be exclusive..we were inseperable..still best friends but in a relationship as well. Our sex life was kind of rocky (unless there was alcohol involved) bc as a child he was in molested by his mothers boyfriends. Weve had talks about it and it was kind of just a general understanding that if he didnt want to have sex it wasnt bc if me. So with that being said sex ended up being a once a month maybe twice kind of deal. In may i was had to do 4 and a half months in jail. While i was gone he cheated on me with a 20yr old. (hes 40, im 32) and even moved in with her and called ger his gf. Kind of like he was trying to fill my shoes. When i was released in sept i found this out and we talked about it. I forgave him and now were starting over. I am now 8mos pregnant. I got preg the day before my arrest back in may. Up until about a week ago weve been staying in his cousins living room while we waited on our cabin/tiny home to be delivered. We had NO privacy. Weve now had sex one time since october. When i would bring it up hed tell me its bc of the living situation and he wanted privacy. (no one walking in on us etc.) i have tried to be as understanding as possible. Well last night we stayed the night in our cabin, in our bed..for the first time. Hes got a bad shoulder and has been doing all the construction on our home by himself and has been in alot of pain. This morning while he was asleep i tried making the moves on him and of course i was turned down, bc he said his shoulder hurts..then he went back to sleep. I am absolutely devastated and dont know what to do. We have such an amazing partnership with a solid foundation of friendship but the no sex thing is killing me.We havent had sex in three months yet He tends to make me forget about it with tiny gestures like a random "i love you" or reminding me hes designing our home for my daughter and i and hes so stoked. We are together 24/7, hes a tattoo artist that works from an at home studio and i currently do not work. The stress levels have been ridiculously high considering while i was gone we lost everything and are having to start from the bottom up so i try and take all these factors into consideration. But then you have my low self worth and insecurities, trust issues bc of the cheating and lets not forget a plethora of hormones bc of baby. I just dont know what to do. Pls help!
What happened to the 20 year old? Does he still see her?
No we moved back to where we're from..two hours from where she lives and hes blocked her from social media and hasnt even had his phone on since October..hes really made moves to prove to me he could care less about her. Even after he called me to come back to him he called her right in front of me and told her he loves me and wants to be with me and a father to his baby. Even while i was gone he told her once i came home if id take him back that hed be back with me bc im his "backbone". (she actually told me this once she exposed everything she knew to me) Theres no doubt that hes where he wants to be..i mean if he didnt care at all then why is he here with me working day and night on this house for our family. Its just that the no affection thing has really taken a toll on me esp after the cheating. The other night he told me that those e.d. commercials are starting to hit home bc hes pushing 40 so he in a way was sayi g he thinks that may have something to do with his drive. Idk. :/
This is so not me but last night i got this overwhelming feeling that i should check in his phone..even though its been disconnected for months..to see whats in it. Well i came across about 50 text msg threads where he was replying to classified ads hed put on craigslist looking for an older dominant man to be "top". Apparently he also had sex with men in addition to women while i was in prison and even months before. This explains the lack of sexual activity with me. Now im wondering what on earth to do. I know when i confront him on this ill be made to feel in the wrong bc i went through his phone. Not to mention im due to have this baby in 9 days and def dont need the added stress. I guess now im also dealing with a bisexual cheating man. Help.
My personal thoughts. It depends on what you want from him in the long term.
He doesn't sound like a bad man. From what you say it sounds like he's not being a bum and is making an effort with construction on your home and as you say, he could always up and leave if he wanted.
You could sit him down and try to get him to open up about the sex, hoping he breaks and admits a problem relating to his childhood molestation, but if it becomes heated there's the risk that you'll slip up that you've seen his text messages which could turn against you if he's looking for an escape route.
You could dive straight in and confront him about the texts, he may crumple and admit everything, or he may throw up the defences and you get nowhere further.
Either way, you have the baby to think of. Whatever issues he's had or still has, this man has cheated on you, don't forget that. He has betrayed your trust, he has lied, he is denying you intimacy that should belong in any relationship. You could do nothing, but this issue will always be there in your mind. You could accept the lack of sex in return for knowing he will be the dad he seems to want to be, but this issue will always be there in your mind. It's probably inevitable that the issue will come out eventually, it's whether you want to just grab the bull by the horns and get it out in the open now so you have time to sort things out before baby arrives, or wait until the baby arrives and tackle the issue whilst you're both stressed from being new parents.
If you know this guy well, only you know when and how you should talk about this to him, but I personally think you should get it out in the open before baby comes.
Thank you so much for your feedback. So it's been a few days since I found those messages and it is absolutely eating me alive not saying anything to him. I can't even look at him in the eyes and I'm seriously sickened imagining what could've and did happen. I mean there's a list of things that I am absolutely completely and totally heartbroken over. Just the simple fact that he was so unfaithful to me for god knows how long. I mean he had a pof account along with the craigslist ads and other profiles on sex sites. Then when I saw the messages to men with pictures of his you know what and wearing my panties. Like this is some serious sick least now I know the reason he doesn't want me is because I'm not an older man not Bc I'm not pretty enough or good enough. But that hurts me right there..the simple fact that he had me questioning myself..over and over..for a long time. Now I'm just faced with the question of when do I say something to him about it and how. After the baby is born he's supposed to be turning himself in for a warrant he's got and he's looking at a few months of jail time. I'm seriously thinking about waiting until he does that then writing him a letter explaining everything I know and sending him the screenshots of all the proof I have. This way while he's in there he can sweat and worry just like I did while he was doing the nasty shit he was doing..them when he's released he'll have no one and nothing to come home to..just like I did. I've never been a vindictive spiteful kind of person..like I always let karma handle it but I'm sick of putting my feelings and emotions on the back burner. While he's gone it'll also, hopefully give me time to heal and move on. I mean I know he's got some kind of amount of love or care for me Bc of the simple fact that he is here and keeps working on the house for the baby and I but that doesn't make any of the lies and infedidelity ok. I already know when I confront him about it, if I do it in person, he's gonna explode and most likely run away..Bc he is a coward and doesn't know how to communicate anymore without anger. It's all changed. This isn't the man I fell in love with or the man I've been best friends with for years. This is killing me.
This is all very complicated. Professional counseling is in order. He has issues, yet shows attention to you and the child now. Who knows what his motives are?
Your first concern should be the child. All this stress puts toxic chemicals in your body!!
I know he needs counseling..we need counseling..but unfortunately I think it's to late to even communicate that. He doesn't talk to me at all about anything anymore and it breaks my heart. We used to be able to talk about everything and now it's gone. All I can guess is that he's done so much behind my back and he's got such a guilty conscience that it's eating him alive. But THATS NOT MY FAULT..all these years, all this time I've questioned myself and whether or not I'm good enough or pretty enough etc. he's manipulated me to the point of questioning my own sanity. Even before we were a couple I was dating another guy..a perfectly crazy about me, loving, caring man..and him being my "best friend" at the time gave me advice on everything and when I'd vent to him about how I was feeling he gave me the advice to dump the guy..well of course I did Bc if he told me to jump off a bridge I would..well now I see his master plan. I can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I can barely look at him in the face. I'm trying to stick with the plan of waiting until he turns himself in and then writing a letter exposing everything I know. That way he doesn't have a choice to run from the truth and he'll have to sit and marinate on what he's done. I'm just hoping I can hold it in until then. Our daughter is due in 5 days.
I'm absolutely horrified of everything. Absolutely miserable.
Btw thanks for the reply. I need all the help I can get.
Sorry darling but you're wasting your time on him and you know it. Stop making excuses for him and get your life straight. It doesn't have to be with someone not interested in you or with so many problems. Life is really short.. Make the best of it. Keep your chin up, you're not foolish.