Stupid old woman
After not speaking to my ex boyfriend (A) for a year. In 2015 we started contact again, meeting for a coffee and occasionally sleeping together. However, he was now engaged to another woman and living with her.A year ago i met a older man (B), and since then i have done all the chasing. If i don't contact him, he will never text me. I deem this as friends with benefits, i do enjoy his company and the sex. I do find him hard work, set in his ways and have always known he does not want a relationship.During this time i still have contact with my ex, he texts me at least once a day.Normally i can go for weeks before i contact (b) but recently i want to contact him everyday, it's as though i want him to tell me to go away if i push him enough, i also keep watching him on whatsapp to see when he's online and wondering who he's talking too which has started recently.The other day i asked him when he was free as i normally do and he said he would let me know, for some reason i'm convinced he's got someone else, although he's so blunt and honest, should i ask him?. Sometimes i want my ex (A) back and then i remember what a liar and cheat he is, and why he won't leave me alone. I work long hours in a stressful job and don't have a social life and have lost contact with my friends.What am i doing? why can't i find the strength to make a decision?
Well, it seems you have plenty going on!
I will get straight to the point. My truthful & honest opinion is I think you are worth more than being a friend 'with benefits'. My firm belief is a sexual relationship should only be within an exclusive & committed relationship (preferably marriage). I know it sounds old fashioned but honestly, that's the only way a relationship remains healthy & is long lasting. I think you should cut ties with these men that treat you like their booty call; they don't have the right to access your body just when they feel like it. Deep down, you are yearning a committed & respectful relationship with a man who adores you, supports you & enriches your life... lots of sex has not & will not fill the void.
Please ask yourself why you allow the 'players' into your life. You have learnt somewhere in your life that's all you deserve, probably ex's who attack your self esteem no doubt. My feeling is possibly there's something more in your early life that's contributed, such as your own parents relationship or a family member who was toxic with in the home or similar.. please reflect back & understand you deserve happiness.
I wish you all the very best.
Thank you for your advice, you're so right I do want a proper relationship.i've spent so long thinking I don't deserve a relationship, that I settled for and was grateful for anything. I kid myself about the sex, I don't enjoy it I feel empty afterwards. i went to a pub with the old man and 2 of his friends, he said that he was happy if I wanted to go home with one of his friends!i was so angry and disgusted , that I can never forgive or forget!i will never see him again!
What if I may ask is old?
The reason that we hold on to someone is because we have created an comfort zone with them. We find it very difficult and lot of hard work to start a new relationship. Worse is when this ex is ready to sleep with you or even be in contact with you. The reason it is bad is because every message or every sex session that you'll have, creates a temporary relief for you. It puts things back in roll for you and also creates a new hope that things might just work out for the best.
I can totally understand when you talk about finding a newer person to fill this void. It is difficult and there are no certainties in it. But i've learned from experience that when you "delete" this person from your phone, your facebook, your whatsapp contact, it makes you look out for another opportunities. There is no easy way out to this. You will find varied type of people in this journey but you need to keep patience. The more hope that you create in yourself about your ex, the more contact that you keep with him, the more you shall sulk. Sulking will also lead you to break yourself down.
You have a lot of memories that built with that other person. And they will keep on popping up everytime you passby that place. I have learnt that you should never ever let yourself get so weak. Always keep your confidence high. Relationships are a part and parcel of your life, but they arent the only thing in your life. Look for activities where you can meet new people. Where you engage yourself in positivism. Sitting at the desk and monotonously thinking about him isn't going to do you wonders. You will keep getting a lot of pain when you hear about him doing better than you.
My question to you will be, is it really worth all the pain that your still keeping this person in your life ? Time flies away with a blink of an eye. My strong suggestion to you would be to firstly remove every single article or thing that reminds you of your ex. Build a wall that will not allow you to fall on him when you are weak and vulnerable.
In these weak times it is very natural to talk negatively of your ownself. Try changing that. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself about all the good things you have in life. I dont intend to preach you about the art of living, but these are small ways where you learn to tackle such things in life.
As i said before, try and engage yourself into activities where you can meet new people. People who you can just generally hang out with. It doesn't need to be a committed relationships. There are a lot of times that i have said to myself that i can't see the horizon in front of me. And it was true. I couldn't see any prospects of meeting a soulmate. But the option that i had was very simple, i needed to go out to places where i could meet some people of my kind and interest. It could be dancing studio, a Pilates class, yoga, hiking group, latin dance class. There are plenty of men out there looking for their soulmates. You need to reach out to them, you need to be visible to them for you to find someone. That is not going to happen by sitting at your desk.
There have been times where i wished that i could just crush my phone. People would just add negativity in your life and there was no easy of telling it to them. But once i made up my mind that i would make sure that they wouldn't beat me down any more, is when things changed.
I hope things work out for the best for you. Life is beautiful. You need to learn to enjoy it. Dont get stuck up with people and their avail-abilities. Being self satisfied is also an important thing. :)