I have been with someone for over 2 years; he has a girlfriend and Son but they are only together for convenience; house finances etc. He told me all this when we were just friends before we got together. Says they dont sleep together/ he sleeps on the sofa etc and have separate lives. We mostly meet up every few weekends at a hotel; in his car or my house if my older children are out. He has been waiting for the right time to leave so he does not lose access to his son and the affair stays secret. The problem is the relationship has become quite toxic and appearing less likely he will leave. He has gradually become more controlling. He quizzes me over exes al the time; asked me not to be friends with an old friendship group as they knew some of my exes. He then also started to criticise my clothes - trousers too tight people would look at my crotch; skirts had to be below the knee etc even though I had always dressed the same way. Hats m going out; withdraws from me does not speak for days if I do. Things hit a low before summer; went to a works do - we work at same place- I got drunk- he said I was ''a mess'' he went mad; picked me up In his car next day repeatedly punched my leg; smashed my phone; spat in my face. We got over it but he did not want me to have facebook; I had a secret account; he found it on my phone; flipped as saw I had looked at old boyfriends- mad me have a normal phone- said I had to tell him everywhere I went; hacked my Hotmail account; printed lists of old facebook contacts and quizzed me about them all. After a man at work he claims likes me spoke to me he hit me again and grabbed my neck. He has a lovely side can be loving caring etc; but now says he cant leave until he trusts me; even worse about what I wear and if I go out; cant even wear skinny jeans or trousers; have to walk up and down a set of stairs to avoid corridors where I may bump into men he says likes me. I honestly do not know if I am in the wrong/ what I am doing any more... I am not stupid have a good job am fairly attractive but in my late thirties and feel I don't have time for waiting forever.
I know this is probably easier said than done but for someone thats gone through this exact kind of situation..you ha e to get out. If hes physical now it will highly lukely never stop and probably progress. It IS NOT YOUR FAULT. But you cannot expect someone to change behavior like that esp without the help. He has got to seek counseling and work on himself before hes able to be a helathy partner again. The reason i stayed in an abusive relationship like this was bc i had no self worth and always made excuses for him. This was bs..it was NEVER MY FAULT. He was the sick one. You deserve happiness and to be treated like a human being not like trash.Hope that helped a little.. Good luck!
BE STRONG! YOU ARE STRONG! LOVE YOURSELF AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.
It seems very easy to judge a relationship just by what we read and to jump to conclusions but im hoping that even you can see that this is not a healthy relationship. Not just because its an affair but because of the mental and sometimes physical abuse. If you think you can fix him and change him, which i doubt anyone can, then do so and fix it. but my honest answer would be to run as far away as you can.
If you ever feel scared by him you need help, back up and there is no harm in calling the police.
The abuse is the part that worries me, you HAVE to look after yourself. BIG LOVE