Feeling helpless and confused
Hi I'm totally new to this,so no idea what I'm doing. Lol. Well I'm 36 mother of one and been with my boyfriend 8 years. We had a very whirl wind romance and had our daughter quite early on. We have always been very much in love, sometimes blindly in love as we at times feel we are no good for one another but can't seem to walk away. And when we do , we return back together. Although this time I feel it's different and it scares me.
We've had our problems, like any do. I must start by saying I used to have a drink problem. I wasn't an alcoholic but I turned to it when I was stressed which had become more frequent recently. I didn't treat my BF wonderfully when I drank so I took measures and I've now been completely sober for 9 weeks!!! Yay! I thought this would stop all our issues and we'd be back to how we were. If anything I feel the opposite has happened. My BF parents Health is bad. One had cancer but is now clear and one has a terminal illness. He never talks about it, you can't ask him about it as he shuts off or withdraws. Don't get me wrong I totally get why and I give him credit that he deals with it the best he can and I try not to push. To cut a long story short, things haven't been right in that department for a month or so so he went to the drs and he has PTSD,post tramatic stress disorder.
When he came home from the drs (which he didn't tell me he was going too) he was very anxious and confused. Saying stuff like "everything I've felt has been a lie" "I think I love you , but maybe that's a lie " " should I be a dad" "you deserve better" "maybe I should leave (then next breathe no I want to stay)" this happened all evening. The next morning he said he wanted to stay but his heads messed up. 2 days later he came home absolutely brilliant. Affectionate, happy , laughing and joking. And each day since has been a mix of that and Then sudden withdrawal from me, like we're walking on egg shells. Believe me I know he's really struggling with his parents and this is a huge factor. But I also feel very guilty that my drinking played a huge part too. I know it did as he's told me. And although I'm now tee-total I don't think he'll ever fully forgive and forget. I don't know if I can live a life trying to constantly make it up to him or be punished for.
Sorry I've really gone on, but boy it feels good writing it all down. I just feel very confused and very hepless. I love this man. He's the father to my daughter. But I feel maybe we are better off apart, but then I feel guilty as I know it's not the real him and I must be patient. Just I too suffer with anxiety and I feel I'm suppressing my feelings to be considerate to his. One min I feel loved and okay,the next I feel rejected and alone. I know this is all part of the disorder and he's only started his anti-dep a week ago , I just needed to vent to strangers.
Anyway thanks for listening and hello. X
This often happens when one person in a relationship sobers up. The balance of the relationship gets upset - even if that 'balance' was dysfunctional. Everyone's roles are different now.
How about some counseling with a counselor who specializes in addictions and family issues? It will help you two get thru this.
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I know you have read my post regarding my partner (or ex. I'm not entirely certain) whom is obviously suffering from a mood disorder.
It would be worth maybe for you both to see a therapist/s separately and dicuss your personal situations, feelings, etc. Anxiety is often a symptom of certain mood disorders, as is turning to drink, or to "self medicate" as they call it (my other half has never been a drinker, but now turns to it regularly).
One thing I didn't mention in my thread, is how I eventually come to "deal" with the really difficult times when they happen and after the initial shock and worry of it all. And that is to simply do my best to try and concentrate on looking after myself, be as positive as I can, and have faith in knowing that I'm a good person, as eventually the realisation hits me that I can't fix someone else, but I can fix myself...
We are responsible for our own happiness, but we are also responsible for our own misery. We all too often see our hurt and confusion as an external source. I.e "He makes me feel this way" or "She made me act that way". When in reality, it is ourselves that make us feel this when our expectations and needs of someone aren't met.
Guilt also is self destructive. We have to learn to own our mistakes, but ultimately forgive ourselves before we can move on to better things. Carrying guilt inside us is inevitably toxic to our lives. Everyone makes mistakes, and we all deserve to forgive ourselves or risk constantly living in the past or having past troubles repeat time and again.
We often, as humans, take the default stance that the problem is not with us but someone else. We can admit to our wrongs, we can say sorry for those wrongs, but on a deeper level, we never really get to know ourselves properly, and see our part in everything, as we are always looking at someone else trying to figure them out instead.
I hope I haven't lost you!
What I'm trying to say is. Don't lose hope in your relationship. There are obviously hurdles there to overcome, but I strongly believe now, that to even start trying to understand anything, or be truly happy with someone else, we need to get to know and love ourselves first.
Tell your fella that you love him, that you want to spend time with him if he wishes to, but that you also need to spend some time finding out who you are and what makes you tick. Take up an interest, socialise, get fit, whatever it is that you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Learn how to be you and like yourself for who you are. And suggest he does the same. Be positive, believe in that the best things in life can come to you and eventually they will (see "The law of attraction). We all want answers, we all want to be happy. It's just coming to the realisation that the only person that can really make us happy is ourselves.
You are, after all, a beautiful, one of a kind and amazing being the likes of which will never be seen again. You deserve to be happy.
Best wishes. And good luck.