I'm tired of my life
I'm a 23 year old female, my husband is 24. We have been married 4 years. At that time he was a contractor in the union, and I worked in a bank, and was renting a small home. We was doing very well then.Two years ago we bought our first home and a year later we welcomed a little boy, who is now a little over a year old.
A couple months after moving into our new home, our relationship became rocky. It lasted for a couple months. Then a couple months after everything went back to normal, I got pregnant. Then, halfway through my pregnancy I found out my husband kissed two other woman while we were having our issues. (As far as I know he only kissed the one, and maybe a little farther with the other, but I don't think, not fully sure, that he didn't have sex with her). But regardless of that I stayed, for my son. Sometimes I wonder why I even stayed.
I quit my job at the bank to stay home with my son when he was born, so that's what I do all day long. My husband is still a contractor but has been laid off a lot lately due to not having jobs. And because of that (and the reason that my husband hates our home) are forced to sell our house. Which we are in the process of selling now. So currently we are staying in my parents basement that they finished for us while we sell our home.
We have our own bathroom, kitchen, etc. down here, it's like a small apartment but with no windows, which I'm in constantly every day. My husband has been laid off for almost a month, so we have been stuck here together and arguing. He never wants to help with our son, he plays with him. But doesn't change diapers, feed him, watch him while I take a power nap, or do anything, and I'm tired of having to ask. I do everything for him. He gets aggravated when I ask him to watch him while I run to the store.
Lately I've just been feeling depressed and just plain tired of my life. I love my son more then anything, and he always puts a smile on my face. He is literally the only thing that gets me through the day. I'm tired of living in this small basement, my son shares our room because we don't have enough room for 2 bedrooms, I'd love for him to have his own space. We are planning to build a home out here on the farm. But won't be able to start that for another year.
I just don't know what to do at this point. After I gave birth to my son, my thyroid went crazy. I was tired and cranky. I'm currently on medicine to regulate it, but I still feel the effects.
Ok before you listen to anything I have to say bear in mind that I am 24, have had 2 relationships neither of which lasted more than 3 months so I may not be the best person to talk about relationship problems, that said here goes.
Now I don't know your husband but I know that I feel like a failure when I'm having trouble getting a job, and I know that my Dad feels the same way so it is possible that your husband is feeling like he's failing his wife and son which will not be helping his mood. Also in my experience everyone needs a break from people, even people they love, I love my housemate (not in the same way but you get the idea) but right now just being near her is upsetting me because we're fighting almost constantly.
Again I'm not married and have no kids so uncharted territory for me but I'm surprised that your husband is refusing to help out, a man not realising that he should be helping out or that things need doing, that I could see happening, I am guilty of that sometimes myself, in fact I apologised in advance to my housemate that it was likely to happen and all she had to do was ask me to do something and I would do it, either individual things or something like "could you vacuum the house every Tuesday". I'm not sure what you should do about it though since you've been asking and he refuses.
Personally I am very unforgiving with matters of cheating, whether that's a kiss or sex or whatever in between, to me that means I can't trust you anymore and that is just a deal breaker for me.
Speaking as someone who grew up in a house where the parents stayed together for the kids I personally wouldn't recommend it, you grow up feeling the bitterness between your parents and quite often become a tool in their fighting, I can remember a few times when my parents were arguing somewhere in the house and then they come in to see me and my sister and usually my Mum but sometimes my Dad would say "right kids, which parent do you want to live with?" it was never a genuine question it was just designed to hurt the other person, we never answered it but I have no doubt that if we had our answer would've been used as a weapon as well.
As for being tired of your life I really can't offer much in the way of advice but I'll try, you said you're in your parents basement right? I don't know what your parents are like but might I suggest spending more time upstairs with them? You'd be surprised what a difference regular sunlight and seeing the outside will make. Also the standard things like spending time with friends etc. If your husband won't look after your son is it possible to leave him with your parents or a friend for a few hours and just get out to do something for yourself every once in a while?
Hey there. I wanted to jump on and give you a little encouragement and support. I can see how frustrated you're feeling and I totally get it. You have several high stress situations going on, so it is no surprise you're feeling the way that you are. Stress has a way of putting MAJOR pressure on a marriage, doesn't it? I've been there, girl, so I know!
First things first- don't beat yourself up for staying when there were bad choices made my your husband. You care about your family and your son and I do not hold that decision against you one bit. I have several friends who have struggled with cheating in their marriages (all on different levels- a kiss all the way to a full blown sexual relationship) and several of them survived it. I believe things can change in those situations, so don't give up and don't beat yourself up. One of my closest friend's husband had a two year relationship with another woman and five years later, after counseling and much forgiveness by my friend, she and her husband are stronger than ever and their marriage has been healed. That is all I'll say about that piece. It CAN be fixed, if both you and your husband want it to be. Forgiveness will be key for you.
I feel like I hear you saying you feel trapped- probably both literally and figuratively. You are in a basement all day with all of your family and your finances are limited. Anyone would feel like you are feeling! Truly. It sounds like you might need a little something for yourself. I'd love to give you a couple of suggestions, if I may.
Do you all have a church home? I only ask because our church has been such a wonderful resource for my family. I know several families who have leaned on the church during difficult times and the church has prayed for them, provided childcare, counseling, and given them direction financially as well. More than anything, the prayers are just so comforting. I hope I am not offending you by bringing up faith. It has just done wonders for me so I want to share that with others, hoping it can do the same for them. Praying to God and asking for guidance and mercy has brought me such peace in the most difficult of times. I'd love to pray for you, if I may. :-)
There is also a group called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) at http://www.mops.org
that you would LOVE! If you go on the website it will tell you where a group near you is meeting. It is fun meeting for young moms where you get to eat (yum), socialize, do crafts, listen to amazing speakers on parenting, etc while the kiddos go in the room next door under the care of very loving caregivers. So you get two hours to yourself every other week to be with other moms just like you. And it's free! Woohoo!
Would it be in the cards for you to get a little part time job? It might give you some sanity and get you closer to your building plans? Just an idea. A church can also help you with that! Oftentimes they have small, part time jobs available.
If you are open to counseling, and I truly believe we ALL could use counseling at some point in our lives, try http://www.focusonthefamily.com.
They offer a FREE counseling session over the phone and then direct you to someone in your area. They also have amazing resources for challenges you might be facing, including the cheating stuff.
Listen, I know you're feeling awful and lost. You are not alone. We have all been there at some point. But, I know this- you can get through it and God is right there with you. He loves you and is there to help. Don't loose hope. You can do this!
As the first reply said, you could do with getting out of that basement, see if your parents will have little one even for an hour whilst you spend some time in a quiet place to have some time to yourself. I can't suggest what to do about your husband not contributing to the child care, I've had the same issue with my partner (now EX). But I know exactly how stressful it is to not have support. Even if you're coping just fine with the child care, knowing you don't have the support of the other parent is stressful all on its own! More so if you're child-caring for them too!
I had no family support, still don't. If your parents are kind enough to let you live there, I'd like to believe they'd support you by giving you some alone time. Maybe even plan some alone time with your husband! It doesn't have to cost anything, just cook dinner as you would but just you and him. Play your favourite music, cuddle on the sofa with a romantic movie, or Star Wars (whatever you're into), play Twister, make love. Just time for you and him.
I also agree with the first reply about your husband might be feeling a bit of a failure at the moment. I mean, he's the maaan. He should be out working and providing and making sure you have a nice house and a nice car and buying you expensive dresses and jewellery and bringing you flowers, but money's tight and he can't do those things. His failings with those other women were probably a combination of him feeling hopeless, getting drunk and thinking what the hell, I've got nothing to lose, I'm a failure already. Only you can talk to him about that.
When you get the money from the sale of the house, will you have enough to take a trip? Take a couple weeks off to all relax with the little one, make some memories. Nice trips might give your husband something to work for, motivation to get out there and actively hunt down work. You'd get a break from the 'norm' and that basement - sunshine is proven to be excellent treatment for stress (I think - it sounds good anyway).
Little one will grow up fast, soon be old enough for toddler groups where you'll be getting out of that basement and mixing with other people. If you stay down there and do nothing, you'll become withdrawn and won't want to do anything (depression), your baby will lose out. Those interactions are important for you and him, and husband if he'll go along. Before you know it you'll have things to do regularly and you'll forget you were ever stuck in your parents basement.