Partner lied and now I can't trust
LEE2017 - Feb 2 2017 at 15:52
Me and my partner have been together for 20 years. To my knowledge he has never lied to me, not about serious stuff anyway. He went on a business trip and told me he was gonna go by himself. He keep saying how bad it was gonna because no one else was going. I had a weird feeling about 2 days into the trip that something wasn't right with him, so I checked the phone records and saw where he had been texting a number I didn't recognize. The texting started the minute he left our house. Come to find out a female coworker had went on the trip as well and the texting was to arrange supper one night with others ladies that also went and then the next night they went out "for some fun" (from the text I recovered). He says there was absolutely nothing to it and that he only lied because he knew it would make me mad and he didn't want to listen to it. I can't trust him now. We have 3 kids, and I spend most of my time checking his phone records, facebook, etc. I asked to meet this lady and he doesn't think that is a good idea since we had words and I wasn't very nice. They work together, so I deal with this every single day and its almost been a year. Is it a good idea to demand I meet this lady. I don't really know what I am looking for. I am certain that I have had a nervous/mental breakdown and its not fair to my kids or him, just because I can't "get over it".
The fact that he lied to me. The maddness, the angry all the time. I am so mad cause I trusted him and when I felt strange on the day he left, I should have reacted to it and I didn't. If I had looked at phone records then, he wouldn't have went anywhere with her. He says there was absolutely nothing to it. He deleted all the text but I recovered his phone and found nothing that would indicate a romantic relationship only work related stuff. So I asked him why he deleted all of them and he said he panicked and erased them. He called and asked the lady to send them to me and she only sent the ones from during the day not all the rest (30 or so). I called and asked her to send me the rest and even explained to her why I was so upset and she said I was crazy. I asked her where they went and she said she wasn't going to tell me that if he wanted me to know he would tell me. I texted from his phone to her and said "tell her". She immediately told me. It was just a restaurant/bar. I can't understand why she is so hateful, she even told me to get over it that I was making him (my husband) miserable at work. I have told him that I feel like he wanted something more out of his excursion because he risked our marriage to lie to be able to go out and about with her. He says it is nothing like that. He says he hasn't even spoke to her in the last 10 months. I find that hard to believe he is not a rude or mean man, so I find it hard to believe that he doesn't speak to someone that was obviously a close friend, and he doesn't think she did anything wrong. He says it is his fault. Which it is. There was even a video of him singing in the back sit of her car once they left the restaurant/bar so I know drinking was involved. I don't sleep at night, I lay awake and search online, pictures of the restaurant she said they went to. Even facebooked the owner to see if she had pictures or video from that evening. Am I just crazy, cause I wasn't before.
I have suggested meeting this girl, but he doesn't want to do that. I thought maybe if I met her then I could get a better understanding you know like the feeling that she isn't the type of girl to mess around with a married man. I feel as though he thinks she will tell me something that he hasn't. He says he is just embarrassed cause he had to tell her that he lied to me and asked her to send the text and he just wants to stay as far away as possible. I feel like they probably do talk at work. I texted and apologized to her and explained why I was so upset and her response was. I was hoping to never hear from you again. Get over it. Which just makes my blood boil.
LEE jealousy is a very powerful thing as I think we all understand. However at this time staying away from this woman "his coworker" would be best avoid confrontation.
Counseling is a good idea however coming here is almost just as good. In the meantime monitor the situation
I have looked into counseling and he says he will do what ever he has to to get us back like we use to be. The counselors in our town either don't take insurance and none are open past 5. We are both so involved in our kids (17,15, and 8) that I don't know when we could go. My daughters which are the oldest don't know what exactly happened between us, I am afraid they would think the worse of their Dad and I don't want that. He told me that I had always been jealous, and that was the reason he lied. I told him that I just don't want someone to take him from me and that I was always watching ( I am a private investigator), but really I didn't watch his every move, I trusted him and now I feel stupid and humiliated.
Well your being a PI explains it then....goodness no wonder. I think everything will be ok as long as your both on the same page. I know we hear that used alot these days. Communication is very important in a marriage it keeps things in check.
Don't beat yourself up it'll be alright.
I hope so. We both agree that to split up is not even a option. He says he hates the way I look at him sometimes he says with such "disappointment". I do not intend to do that, I just don't know how to hide it. I want him to be happy.
I wish I could just stop replaying it over and over and what I should have done. I have managed to get her demoted but not fired like I had set out to do. At some point I have to let it go. I do realize this.
LEE it takes time to let things like that go as time heals things.
It has helped tremendously to have just told someone. Neither of us have told anyone, and I am certain she hasn't either.
I can't understand why the anger comes and goes. I have asked my husband if I did something wrong and he wasn't happy and he says that was not at all the case. He had previously said that we were fighting all the time, which I didn't realize. So first he says there was nothing to it, then he said we were fighting all the time (which makes me think there was more to it). He said this isolated incident would make our marriage stronger. He said he didn't realize how much I loved him until he saw how devastated I was (I have cried for almost 10 months now) or how much he loved me until he realized that he could loose me. I feel like there is more to his side that he is afraid at this point to tell me.
This is what makes a marriage stronger communication,talking about these problems getting them out in the open. Most marriages are like that poor communication now at least you both know where you stand.
We have discussed him transferring to another plant but with our girls so close to graduation it seems unfair to move them. Besides that infuriates me to think that I would upset my life just to get away from "her". Since it's him I don't trust, that wouldn't solve anything. From what I have told you, would you think I had anything to worry about with him.
There will be trust issues and in order to gain trust back there has to be transparency on his part.
I feel that he is trying so hard. Do I just accept that he did what he did, even though I don't know all of it. Just accept that he lied and stop trying to figure it all out. I was in the chat room (which wasn't probably a good idea). Several said if he hid everything about her that he has something to hide and there is definitely more to it.
If you never had trust issues before do you think it best to give him the benefit of the doubt? Yes there could be more to the situation in deed. We do recommend counciling however your not sure of insurance coverage or your time schedule. Do you think that maybe more investigation is needed on your part?
I am always looking for ways to find out more. Any ideas. I have tried to think of ways to ask people he works with, but that's not easy to do without giving away why your asking. I certainly don't want to make things crazy for him at work. He says at this point if he had cheated he would have blown up by now and told it. I have blocked her number and from Facebook, but if they talk at work, I have no way of knowing.
I'll share my personal experience and see if it might help where your husband might be coming from.
I was having problems with a girlfriend, in fact my second ever girlfriend. Despite me being absolutely devoted to her, she turned out to be a jealous type. She seemed to constantly be worried that I would find someone 'better' - I put it down to a past experience that possibly made her feel very inconsequential. I laughed it off at first, when she started asking where I'd been, who I'd been with, was any girls there etc. "Don't be silly, I'd never cheat" didn't seem enough, I somehow had to prove I'd never cheat - go figure.
Now, before meeting this girl, I'd been living in a supportive homeless hostel. I had made a few friends there, people in similar situation so we had common ground etc, but a couple were female. Completely not my type, had their own issues, wrong hair colour etc. I don't see a problem with a man having female friends, I get on better with females, men are smelly! So I had no problem with telling her, I'm meeting so-and-so for a coffee, she's finally gotten out of the hostel and wants to tell me all about it. This was 2005ish, before facetiming became the rage. Oh that stirred the hornets nest - straight away I was cheating, must be, why would I be meeting another girl etc. This happened a few times before I decided to stop telling her I was meeting so-and-so. I was genuinely meeting for a coffee and having a good natter, that's all. That's when she started checking my phone for calls and texts. I had nothing to hide and pretended at first that I didn't know she was doing it. Bear in mind, we didn't live together at this time, so we had our own lives on the days we were in each other's pockets.
One day, I was invited to a kids party by a male work colleague. It so happened that I was nominated to be face painted by the kids! Such fun! The guy's wife texted me that night "That was fun, you were amazing x". Of course, to me, she was thanking me for entertaining the kids. Nothing happened, certainly not while 20 kids were spreading lipstick all over my face. The kiss was probably out of habit, I know I've sent kisses to the window cleaner before! Of course, I deleted the text, because I knew my girlfriend would misinterpret it and hell would break loose. But I didn't delete me deleted folder, she found it and all hell broke loose. What did it mean, why had I deleted it, who was it, I'm gonna call her etc etc.
The reason I deleted that text was because I knew what her reaction would be. If I'd said, listen, I've been sent a text with a kiss by accident, it means nothing. Despite being honest it would've drawn the same reaction. She couldn't help but believe she would be cheated on. Maybe it was her worst fear, maybe she'd been cheated on before and not told me. I'll never know, we didn't see each other again after that night.
Because your husband lied doesn't mean he is having an affair or has ever had any sexual relations with that woman. Nor does it mean he will lie about everything from now on. Many men leave when they're found out, they can't face the shame. Your man has stayed and from the things you say he's said, he really does love you and really regrets not being honest. When I was with that girl, I stopped telling her I was meeting anyone, not just girls. If I was meeting a guy, in her mind there was sure to be a girl to sweep me away. There were times that I genuinely didn't want to go out anywhere because I felt huge guilt for not telling her I was going out. It was my time, why did I have to tell her all the details anyway?
I really hope you work things out because it would be a shame to split a family up over a fear something happened with no proof. You really should take a step back, realise you can't jump on everything he does with mistrust and you're not entitled to an immediate explanation of everything. It will eat you up inside if you keep on this track of trying to find proof of wrongdoing. It will eat at him when he realises he will never prove he has done nothing wrong.
LEE the story above kinda hits home minus the kids and being married.
it does and maybe that is why he lied. except I didn't ask where he was all the time or look at phone records and text messages. I just always believed he was where he said he was. He knew in my line of work that surely I would find out. He also knew it would hurt me. He knew it would make me mad, so my question to him was "why did you take that chance."? His only answers are usually I don't know or I don't remember.
Well LEE I guess there's only so much you can do on your own to gain any satisfaction. I don't know how much tension there is between you two, or if your separated. But if you're not separated maybe you could both do something together like dinner or some kind of activities.
Just a serving suggestion
We are not separated. We actually go places all the time and always have. We had just gotten back from our 20th anniversary trip when a week later he went on his work trip. We have always made time for each other without the kids. Even now we go out to eat, movies etc. He never wants to talk about any of it but continues to ask what is wrong.
Hmmmmmmmm.... well back to the drawing board.
The drawing board........I call it square one. I can't understand why "she" was so defensive right off the bat. Why did she refuse to tell me anything. If I had been her I would have sang like a bird and told him, hey sorry you lied but I am not going to lie for you. I am suspicious that she wouldn't send me all the text and he didn't demand it. He said he doesn't want to talk to her again.
I guess what I'm saying LEE is I'm running out of ideas. She's probably defensive because she's not sure how you'd react knowing about their ordeal on that out of town trip.
Suspicion in a situation like this creates jealousy and anger and eats away at you when either one won't cooperate. If your husband is making an effort to distance himself from her see what happens. I'll bet with all this drama she's more than likely staying as far away from your husband as possible.
Yeah I am out of ideas too. I guess I have to either believe him or leave him. I hope that as time passes I will eventually stop thinking about it. Which is hard since she works with him (probably impossible). I can't keep drilling him about it. He will eventually get tired of it.
LEE i thought that both she and your husband had agreed to work apart in different departments no?
They never worked in the same department. He works all over the entire place, including her area. So for him to tell me that he never has to talk to her, seems like that is impossible since his job has him in her area. He says he sends other people to do what ever needs to be done over there, etc. He also said with her demotion that he doesn't have to deal with her. I am not sure I believe that. At this point, I hope I don't find out differently.
You'd think he'd know better than to pull this married to a pi. Well let's hope he holds true to his word.
He says if he was truly trying to get by with something he wouldn't have been using the phone I had access to. He said he just knew I would be mad and question him the entire time. He said he didn't want to look like a wimp and tell her no he couldn't go cause of his wife, which now he said he realizes was a big mistake. He certainly does seem remorseful, but I can't help but wander if he maybe tried something with her and was rejected or realized she didn't feel the same way. I just don't know.
From what you're describing which is pretty much what you described in the first place is nothing happened between them probably.
I still get the feeling you BELIEVE they did something together and that he's hiding it and she's hiding it. Now you may take this as being blunt, but bear in mind I know how it feels to not be trusted whilst being completely innocent.
I'm merely taking a different perspective. You say your husband has already said he didn't tell you because he knew you would be mad. I can only assume he sees a jealous streak in you. I'm not knocking you down, I'm just suggesting another way to look at this. He had a work event, he and this woman wanted to go "have some fun", have a few drinks, play some pool, eat take out, take a walk, whatever. Imagine his thoughts, "Oh man she'd kill me if she found out I was alone with another woman" even if (and there's no proof to suggest otherwise) the night was completely innocent. Imagine him saying to her "My wife wouldn't be happy about this" and imagine her saying "Oh shall we not bother?" and imagine him saying "Well we're not doing anything wrong, I just won't tell her about it because it might upset her" and her "Well OK if you're sure, you should be allowed to let your hair down now and then" and he "Yeah you're right, she should trust me". The reason he didn't tell you is because he felt guilty - that would explain any strangeness you sensed from him right before and 2 days into the trip. He didn't want to upset you, but at the same time he didn't see why he couldn't have a night out with a woman. I've had nights out with female friends and there was absolutely nothing between us. We were bored, she had a mate who ran a bar, we had cheap drinks. I was single at the time anyway but so what if I had a girlfriend? Why is a man not allowed to get on with women?
Don't forget, you invaded his privacy by recovering those texts. You broke his trust in you by pretending to be him when you text the woman to send those texts. So far, whilst I can understand why it would be an uneasy topic within your marriage, I see nothing to suggest you shouldn't trust him as much as you always have, or at least accept that he now has reason not to trust you too and it shouldn't be a one way issue. IMAGINE he's completely innocent and he's done everything to try and prove it, how must he feel right now? Wondering what he can do to gain your trust again when he's done nothing wrong except feel guilty about upsetting you? Possibly wondering what you'll be like when he has another work trip?
If you can't bring yourself to trust him, do HIM a favour by ending things. I know how it feels when you can't be trusted and have done nothing wrong. This will never get sorted whilst you're thinking the way you are right now, and next time he has a work trip, ASSUMING he is completely innocent, he will go crazy wondering what you're going to say before he even goes, wondering if you're going to be spying on his phone records again. He will expect you to go through his phone, he won't text because he'll think you're going to look, so any plans he'll make verbally, even if they are completely innocent, and by this time neither of you will trust each other. It will get worse! You won't be able to relax any time he's out because you'll always be wondering about that one time where you don't believe you have all the evidence and don't know 100% if he's still lying about it. You'll drive each other crazy! All for what, just because you can't trust that he is devoted to you?
I did trust him. I believed him when he said he was going by himself. My thought is, shouldn't he care enough about me to not want to make me mad. Shouldn't he have looked at the other women and been like, yeah your not worth making my wife upset over. It has always been both of our beliefs that we not do the bar thing without each other. It only causes trouble. He felt guilt cause he knew he was in the wrong, he would never have let me do that. He would have said its not you I don't trust its the other person. Don't you think him deleting those text were shady considering he already knew that I knew they existed. I didn't pretend to be him and text the other girl, he was standing with me and I told him to tell her to tell me and he had me text it out. He almost acts like he is afraid that if I have words with her either face to face or over the phone that she will tell something, but he says that is not the case. He just wants it to all go away and for it not to be brought up at work, he says people will assume he cheated on me and he will never hear the end of it and how sorry he is. He also asked me to fly out and meet him when he was on the trip. He said why don't you come on Wednesday and stay the rest of the week and fly back with me on Friday. I found out that she left on Wednesday. He tried very hard for us not to cross paths. I have known alot of women he works with and have even went to their houses and had them over to ours. Why was this girls so different?
Well we're not doing anything wrong, (except lying to my wife) I just won't tell her about it because it might upset her". (I didn't even tell her you were going, in fact I have made up several lies that I was going by myself."
I read that statement as I will just LIE to her. When she text me at 4:30 I will just reply that I am still in meetings instead of really being in the car with you. "Yeah you're right, she should trust me" (I am going to LIE about the this entire trip and who is going because really she should trust me, and not question any of it. Even though I am lying to her about it all.
I didn't realize I guess those were the rules to this game called marriage. If you want to do something outside your marriage, just lie about. Whether it be innocent or not. The other person really has no right to question you. If they do, they are invading your privacy and so you shouldn't be with them anyway. You should be able to lie, to save a argument and to get to do what you want.
I have always been honest with him. I have always called him and said do you mind if I go eat lunch with "whoever" cause it might be someone he really didn't like and he would say, I don't care or I would rather you not. I didn't realize I could just lie and not respect him. Wow, I have been doing this all wrong.
No LEE marriage is all about trust not tryst. BTW I noticed that you visited another thread. That's good puts your mind on other things and maybe help you get some answers.
Well it happened just as some of you said it would. My husband was having a project at work that I knew involved the coworker. I asked him if she would be working on this project and he said no. Time and time again he said no. Also assured me that if he had any dealings with her or about her he would tell me. Well he didn't. Someone else texted him for her (probably work related but I will never know). He erased it. When I asked him about it he made up some other lie. I finally said "you know I can recover the phone". So he told me. He said he lied to avoid a fight. He said he doesn't like to see me this way and we were making such progress. I don't think he gets it. ;-(
Huh.... well I'm stumped now besides I'm just getting off work driving home
I was stopped off at a store so I wasn't actually driving.
This is something you and he are going to have to discuss.
I keep telling myself that very thing. I have decided to ask for a divorce. I want him to be happy and my family and right now with me like this they are not. He is devastated But the kids will understand. I can't go on like this any longer. I have been called crazy for the last time. I have decided to find help. I told him I am going to leave and will be back when I am more mentally stable. He doesn't understand. He can't understand how all this generated from a lie, but it destroyed me and my marriage. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy and I can't do that for him anymore.
Well LEE I guess at this point all we can do is hope everything works out for you support and help you (Hug)