Seeing no improvement in my life
Hi, this is my first time posting on this site, or on any help forum in general.
While I am young as an 18 year old male going into 19 in the spring I already feel like my life is hitting a wall that I can't break through. All through my education up until my current (university) I was regarded as the outcast by most, if not all of my peers. I felt like any action I took was mocked and ridiculed by my school mates young and old even some teachers joined in. To get to the meat of my problem it feels to me that I always tell myself at each new step in my life that things will improve, I try to socialise more, improve my body by attending the gym, gain hobbies but nothing works people interact but never let me into the 'inner circle' that everyone else around me seems to enjoy.
Its gotten to the point that if I notice the problems I percieve it gives me a physical crushing feeling in my chest and any positivity I have in the day seems to drain like coloura running off a painting leaving black and white behind.
Any friends I do make seem to use me and then fade away. The few relationships I have had crumble within the first months. Strangers on the street look at me with disdain for what feels like no reason. I would usually just move on and push further on with my life as it is like I usually do but it's reached breaking point i'm tired of being the man I am but i'm lost in how to achieve my goal there is opportunities to take abroad work as part of my course and it honestly worries me how alluring the thought of running away and never returning seems to me. Then again I know deep down that my issues will only follow me.
I hope this post comes out at least mostly coherant it shouldn't be to depressing to read I hope. I know that if I continued I could list my every problem but i'll stop here. If anyone else has experienced this in their life i'd love to know how you overcame it. Thanks
I'll be honest, how you explain things sounds very much to me like symptoms of depression, or at the least anxiety. Have you spoken to a GP about your feelings? I speak from experience, treatment for depression is effective and the stigma surrounding depression isn't as bad anymore. You don't even have to tell anyone you're depressed, I didn't. I just took the meds and after 18 months I was in a much better place.
I reckon I was in exactly the same position at your age (now 33). I was a neglected child, the smelly kid at school, bullied all through, I thought everyone hated me, I've always been the black sheep of the family, none of them really cared about me, I was homeless twice with no support. Relationships turned out to be created out of sympathy for me, people I thought were friends ignored me when they found someone 'better', girlfriends turned out to be weirdos who I fell for because of the attention. I couldn't find a proper job because no one wanted to hire someone who doesn't even have a place to live. I accepted it as my life and dragged it along with me until I was 25 when I went to the GP for headache problems and they diagnosed depression. I'd never in a million years imagine I could have depression, I thought I was made of titanium with all the crap I'd been through. But I took the meds, after a few weeks I perked up, gradually getting more confident in myself and able to take more things with a pinch of salt. Being more positive, I interviewed better, got a decent job, found a place to live. Developed a decent relationship, now have a proper house and a beautiful daughter. Although the relationship didn't work out, it was still 5 years long, I'm 'normal' again. I'm strong enough to sort things out without getting too low. I still have bad days, everyone does, combination of stress, crap weather, poor diet etc, affects your internal balance.
I'm not saying you are depressed, but I felt exactly how you describe and maybe I wasn't depressed, but the meds helped anyway.
One thing I implore you to do, is not to change yourself just to make people notice you. People attracted to muscles are just that, attracted to the muscles, not the person inside. I still don't have any friends, that is one thing that gets me down but I cope with it. I'm different to anyone I ever meet, I'm told I'm old-fashioned because I don't have my face stuck in an electronic device snap chatting or facebombing, whatever the new fad is this week. I have what others would call old fashioned values. I don't drink or smoke, I hate footie, I hate clubs - that limits my possibility of meeting new friends straight away. Before my daughter arrived I was a biker and was a member of a club, but like everywhere you go, there are cliques and unless you have something amazing to offer you'll never be accepted. In my case, without a brand spanking new pocket rocket plastic fantastic bike, I'm nothing special. I had second hand retro street bikes and mid-range tourers bleugh boring!
Now I'm a bit older I don't mind not having friends. It's hard to trust people because socially, nobody seems to want to 'get to know' people anymore. It's all about 'I have this' and 'did you hear about so and so' and 'I think I'm better because...'. Toddler groups - mothers are proper gossipers! Petty gossipers some of them, spouting anything that might make them look like better sources of gossip than the other. I'd rather be in the comfort of my home, baking or cooking something, listening to Sia, or writing essays on forums :)
Honestly, it might seem like hell right now but something will happen which will point you in the right direction. If you go abroad, you might be happier with the sunshine but if you do have depression it will affect how you interact with people, especially strangers, and you may end up thinking your problem has followed you and you're no better off. I really suggest speaking to a GP, suggest you're not feeling yourself, talk to them. If you get a GP who doesn't care, get a second and third opinion until you're sure within yourself that depression isn't the issue here.
Some of us are just not popular, and it's not our fault.